The Alien Fishin' Hole

Something happened on a ranch near Roswell, New Mexico in June 1947. Of that we are certain. What exactly happened is still a matter of considerable discussion. But "The Incident", as it has come to be known, is a cultural legend. And an endless supply of feed for the conspiracy mill.

Because of The Incident, and a long string of UFO sightings (beginning with one near Mt. Rainier in Washington state, reported almost simultaneously with The Incident), many have come to accept the presence of extraterrestrial visitors. And with this acceptance have come various forms of proof, such as grainy home movies and cattle mutilations. My personal favorite, though, is alien abductions.

By now everyone knows the typical story. Joe Schmoe is hanging out in the middle of nowhere when, out of the darkness, a beam comes down from a UFO and sucks up the hapless hombre like some sort of heavenly hoover. Once inside the alien vessel, our poor protagonist is probed and prodded. He might even be subjected to interspecies mating studies.

After the aliens have finished their lab experiments, they thoughtlessly hock him out like a human hairball. No "Thank you's", no instructions on making the talk show circuit, nothing. Needless to say, things are never quite the same for Mr. Schmoe.

You know why I like these stories? Because they remind me of fishing.

Yes, that's right, fishing. Not as in, "Woo-EEE, it's a keeper, pass me another beer, Earl!" But rather from the fish's perspective, where the result of fishing is an alien abduction.

In this version, the poor fish is just minding his business, cruising around looking for a snack. One appears, and suddenly everything goes wacky. Pulled by the mouth, he's lifted out of the water, and while gasping for breath, is manhandled by something out of a nightmare.

If our buddy is good eatin' material, the torture continues until the inevitable end. But today's growing number of catch-and-release fishermen add to the possibility that he'll have quite a story to tell his friends.

Do you think they will believe him? Or will they just whisper behind his dorsal fin about what a nice fish he used to be? Needless to say, things will never be the same for our fish friend, either.

Which brings us back to alien abductions. Do you think the extraterrestrials are ever unsuccessful? Do they tell stories about the big lumberjack that got away?