Yard Wars

I need a lightsaber, and I need it now. It has nothing to do with saving the universe or thwarting the forces of evil. You see, I have a lot of work to do.

I have a large yard that needs constant upkeep. For many people, working in the yard can be therapeutic and relaxing. Some (as in any endeavor) are compulsively fastidious about it. But not me. Yard work is a necessary evil that keeps me from more desirable pursuits. The sooner I'm done, the happier I am.

This is where the lightsaber comes in. Landscape maintenance, while still a chore, would at least become an easier task. I could free greenery from the tyranny of unkemptness, prevailing over the dark side of its forceful growth. Imagine the simplicity. Five quick swipes converts an unruly shrub to precise cubism. Turn! Thrust! Parry! Prune!

It wouldn't be long until I'd be the Jedi knight of landscaping. Vrrrrrrhm! A two-handed hacker, feet apart, a flurry of blue light and flying fauna. Wooooohm! Obi-Wan instructing me on the finer points of topiary. Zzzzzzrm! I'd make Edward Scissorhands look like a spaz.

Of course, I'd be a neighborhood hero too. Not in the you-saved-his-life sense, but in the yeah-the-other-guys-envy-you sense. Remember the nuclear arms race? It was just an extension of the power tool one-upsmanship that's been happening at the local level for eons. I can see them now, hanging out in my garage, turning the thing on, taking it apart to see how it worked...

And I'd be happy to help them out. Hell, I'd be looking for stuff to slice and dice anyway. They'd just be giving me an excuse to come over, julienne some greenery, and get some free beer. Although I'd probably get tired of hearing, "Use the force, Luke." Yeah, ha ha, real funny there guys.

A hard job made easier, admiration from your peers, and free beer. What more does a man need? Life would be good. But what about that big ol' stump out back? Hmmm, I think I'll need a phaser for that.