Nuclear Toast Reactor Y2K Preparedness

Toast Reactor, USA (NTNW) — The management of the Nuclear Toast Reactor announced today that the well-known facility is, in fact, prepared for the Year 2000.

"I want to assure the public that we have conducted all Y2K preparedness testing as required by the Nuclear Toast Regulatory Commission," said a spokesperson for the Toast Reactor. When asked for the results of the testing, the spokesperson declined comment and passed out a fact sheet.

Previously there had been concern about the ability of the nuclear site to properly deal with the repercussions of the Y2K bug. The so-called "Millennium Bug" is caused by programmers in the 60s and 70s using only two digits to represent the year (for example, using "99" for "1999"). Software not equipped to deal with the change of century could mistake "2000" for "1900", with possible disastrous results.

But according to the Toast Reactor's fact sheet, there will be no impact on the facility. Since everyone with an Internet connection can monitor the Reactor's web site, they can see for themselves. The fact sheet cautioned, however, that people should view the web site before January 1, 2000.

"Although the web site (and Reactor) will still exist on New Year's Day 2000, the widespread power outages, looting, accidental nuclear missile launches, rioting, plague, and general breakdown of civilization will most likely result in loss of dialtone, and therefore email," states the fact sheet. "Much less web sites."

The fact sheet is more specific regarding the Reactor's own preparations. They have no automated systems; everything is manual. So they checked all their employees for Y2K compliance.

"Down to the last core monkey, all our valued employees were cognizant of the upcoming year change, and the impact of a New Millennium. 'No doubt about it, I'm gonna screw up a hell of a lot of checks,' our accounting clerk told us.

"A standard shift will be staffing the Reactor on January 1st, keeping the facility operating nominally and monitoring the breakdown of social order from the hardened, self-sustaining Reactor Bunker.

"The duty supervisor has dispelled any rumors about a so-called meltdown pool. 'No, we gotta keep that thing going, just like we always do,' he said. 'How else we gonna survive in that bunker? Besides, a meltdown would really be a bummer.' "

Apparently the Reactor is also stocking up on cash. It seems the employees were concerned about their payroll after January 1st, so the Nuclear Toast management went that extra mile. Because banks will all have failed, they reasoned, having cash on hand will keep the employees happy.

And since most essential everyday services will have broken down, money will be worthless and everyone will need toilet paper, so the payroll department is stocking up on one-dollar bills. Talk about compassion.

A phalanx of corporate lawyers then filled the room, ushering all the press to the exits, saying they couldn't answer any questions or guarantee anything about the Reactor's Y2K readiness based on "innumerable variables and many-vectored uncontrollable outcomes".

The lawyers also threatened that anyone owing money to Nuclear Toast, Inc., The Toast Reactor, The Nuclear Toast Web Site, and any and all affiliates, should not expect to be able to use Y2K as an excuse for nonpayment.

"They've had their chance," said one of the nearly identical-looking legal soldiers. "They knew it was coming, just like we did. And on January First, they'll still owe us."

As a final act, a Public Relations representative handed out leaflets on surviving the upcoming apocalypse. It contained tips on generator purchasing, stockpiling supplies so your neighbors don't notice, and articles like "Who Says An Apartment Can't Be A Defendable Bunker?"

And, finally, an apology. "We are sorry that The Nuclear Toast Web Site is so important to the success of civilization that the loss of the Internet, and therefore the aforementioned web site, will result in the downfall of modern man.

"To this, we can only say, print out the pages now, that they may comfort you in your post-apocalyptic wasteland. Don't let the memory die!"