THE GREASY CORNER HERITAGE GAZETTE

February 9 , 2000

Wail Good mornin' folks,

Herman H. Fly back up here on th' tower a r'portin' t' ya. Sher is good t' be on th' job after a two week absence here....Actually compared to th' place ah spent muh vacation, eny place would look would look good, en this tower feels lak heaven. Me en th' wife had been saving our money fer all this time, en a making plans fer our dream vacation t' Jamacia...... thinkin' 'bout th' wunderful time we'd have jes a laying thar in th' sand with our l'il o' buckets en shovels a diggin' up sand fleas t' use fer fish bait en all....en a gittin' more en more excited each day as th' tyme to go gits closer.....then finially th' big day gits chere en suddenly ya find thet all them high expectations becomes a let down......Now don't git me wrong folks....ah ain't up chere t' put down th' folks thet arranged fer th' trip, en ah ain't up here to say nutin' bad 'bout Jamacia....in fact muh wife is jes a rantin' en a raving 'bout th' place......thinks it mat be close t' heaven on Earth in fact.....en she jes can't stop a talkin' bout how all them people is so nice en all....a waitin' on her hand en feet.....en personally I'm real happy fer her t' be having sech a good tyme......en it sher wuz a stroke o fortune fer her th' way lady luck allowed her t' take whut wuz t' be a two week vacation en turn it into a four week thang......Yep....I'm real happy fer her......Whut ah ain't happy 'bout is the way them revenooers jes happened t' pick s'actly th' day before we wuz t' leave on th' trip t' raid th' still en encarserate me fer two weeks while muh wife goes off en uses both her en muh meal tickets t' double th' tyme she gits in Jamacia.....Ain't gona look at no more of them smart alecky post cards thet come in th' mail from her every day neither.....

Wail las Wednsday wuz a big day here in Greasy Corner as th' whole town turned out down behind Lukey Hogswaller's barn before daylight t' await th' forcast on when spring would arrive this year.....Fer them of yew out thar thet ain't fimilure with the local situation down chere I need t' point out t' ya thet since we ain't got no ground hogs in these here parts we had t' improvise a bit.....A few years back we got sick en tired of them yankees up in Pennslyvannia a tellin' us jes when it would be time t' strip off th' long johnies en wooley bloomers en plant th' garden en all.....they's wuz never rat 'bout it.....many a folk down chere found themselves a suffering th' 'fects o' frost bite on th' toosh when winter hung 'round fer seven weeks enstead th' six them yankees had predicted....We figured thet since it would seem thet all yew needed wuz an animal thet spent th' winter in a hole in th' ground to come out en look at his shadow we oughta be able to dew a pretty good job by jes a watchin' Willy th' wild razor back hog thet lived behind Lukeys barn.....Now since this here is th' first year thet we tried this we expected thar mat be a hitch er two but we could git by en learn en git it rat next year.......Since thar ain't many books 'bout th' subject in th' Greasy Corner library, we got us a tape o' th' affair they had las year up in PA.....Whut we seen wuz s'citing indeed......all them dignified fellas up thar a wearing the fancy clothes en top hats......en when they pulled the ground hog from his den he looked so calm en content 'bout th' whole thang.....they sits him down on a piece o carpet en the ground hog don't see no shadow so thet means spring is only six weeks away....en then one fella.. he kisses him en puts him back in the hole.....Wail las Friday we got us our prediction about how they's gona be six more weeks of winter en all.....but th' 'fair didn't go quite so tranquil as them yankees have it......First off when we got t' th' barn we found thet Lukey had parked his dad burn corn picker square over top th' hole.....everyone gathered round to push it away.....unfortunatly the mayor who wuz a wearing th' brand new rental tuxedo en top hat slipped en fell flat on his belly in the 6" o' cow manure....so he weren't too purty fer th' TV news cameras.....then Ol Willy wouldn't come outta th' hole by hisself so Lukey went en poured five gallons of hot water laced with garlic sauce down the hole... en sher 'nuff......Ol' Willey he come outta the hole.....trouble wus he come out with an attitude... en yew cud see rat away he weren't in no mood to be a kissed by nobody........people wuz a running into one another en a scattering in all directions as he chased em through th' barn yard....then, jes t' further display his displeasure 'bout losin' his sleep he slashed all four tires on the mayor's car with his tusks en then jumped back int' th' hole.....but all wuz not lost......we's pretty sher we kin expect 'nother six weeks o winter.....During all th' comotion a gofer had come up outta his hole en wuz a standing thar in th' middle of it all a lookin' at his shadow.....

This chere is Herman H. Fly...Eddyter in chief....a wishing y'all a good en....