THE GREASY CORNER HERITAGE GAZETTE

January 3

Wail howdy thar folks.......Happy New Year t' y'all

Now fer th' weather......Wail fer once I'm happy t' r'port that th' weather has improved remarkably since th' last r'port.....The temperature got up to 'bout fifty yesdidy en from where I'm at up here on th' tower I kin see that th' ice down on the river has begun t' thaw a might.....I kin tell real good' cause when ol Billy Hammerknock got drunk at th' party th' utter nite he drove his pickup truck int' the river en made a big hole thar en it
ain't froze over no more......course th' truck a sitting thar in the water with the motor a running cud be keepin' th' water warm too...Billy seems t' be doin' real good for hisself after th' ac'dent...didn't get hurt much ....Now thet he's a gottin' over th' shock of reckin'his truck his appeytite has improved a mite......in fact his wife jes left after a rowin' out thar en handin' em a cup o coffee en a egg McMuffin.... still says he ain't a leavin' with his truck parked away from th' house...hope somebody comes en gets ol Billy outta thar this mornin'.....he's s'pose t' pump out muh septic tank t'day......

Wail fer those of yew that weren't at the big party down at th' far house fer newyears y'all missed a good en...... Th' music wuz played by muh son Fayrow en his band "Th' Village Idiots" en th' cheer wuz a courtesy o Billy Clinton and the snow storm thet hit Wershuton en th' other good ol' boys back in Wershington D.C. .......Naw they didn't axually supply it real direct lak....but b'cause they dun went en shut the gov'ment down fer the snow th' revenuers been outta work en it gave ol' Silas a chance to git a batch o corn out without a bunch o party poopin' trouble makers a gittin' in th' way....We'd a never knowd they dun went en got laid off 'xcept when Silas's pickup truck didn't git shot fulla bullet holes las week we called up th' gov'ment office en asked what happened.....Sher we hadda few thangs t' happen at th' party thet didn't go quite as planned but it a worked out fer th' best.....It all pointed out a couple o thangs thet got t' be taken kare of this new year though.....As a member of the town council I intend t' make sher thet th' far equipment gits a little more maintenence......I mean it wuz bad 'nuff that we hadda call Bubba t' bring th' tow truck to git the far wagon outta th' house so's we'd have room t' dance en all.....but when th' fire works at midnight touched off th' blaze down at t' trash dump b'hind th' bloomer factory en they hadda call Bubba back t' tow th' truck down thar...I figures th' need t' work on it wuz purty clear at that point.....'nother thang thet cud use some work fer next year is the town's ball thet drops at midnight fer th' countdown fer thems then kin count...backwards......Wail we all know it ain't s'actly a ball...'axully it's a shiney milk can painted day glow red......en when it comes a fallin down the side of Henry's silo....it is indeed a sight t' behold en all....but when it drops in th' hog pen en makes thet big ol splash it sorta takes sumtin' outta it all at the end... Ah thinks thet maybe we should tie a rope er sumtin to it next year .....ah mean I know it wuz timed t' hit th' ground at s'actlly midnite which it did all right....but it would seem t' me thet if'n it wus t' take longer 'n 3 seconds t' hit th' ground it would be more dramatic.....'course this'll lead to 'nother problem 'cause we gona hafta learn most o' th' town folk to count beyond three.......en then learn it 'gain......backwards....Gona be a tuff sell t' git thet dun......

PERSONALS COLLUMN

Janey Marie...this here's Alfred......I knows yer mad at me end I knows yer daddy dun tole me I cudn't live at yer house no more 'cause of th' way I wuz a lookin' at yer l'il sister en all, but I got t' know.....did j'all check en see if Santa left enythang fer me in muh stockin'?

Til next week folks, this here's yer Eddyter in Chief Ol' dirty shirt a signin' off......(Please don't fergit t' put th' "R" in shirt"