As
Always ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “I felt completely nude of all protective devices like thoughts about life and purpose and duty… I started seeing myself as doomed, pitiful – just this awful realization that I’ve been fooling myself all my life thinking that there was a next thing to do.” She said, looking out of the large mess hall window. “And then the rest, as they say, is history…” “I think I would rather you fell in love with me for me.” “I did. Of course I did.” She said, taken aback. “Why would you think otherwise?” “Oh, I don’t know. Just… things… that you used to do.” “Such as?” “Kathryn, I do not really know if you want me to talk about this.” The blonde said, stirring her peppermint tea slowly. “What’s that supposed to mean?” “You don’t want me to talk about this. It will make you extremely uncomfortable.” “Well, that’s never been a deterrent before.” She said with a wry laugh. “Why so now, Seven?” “Annika. My name is Annika now.” “Yes, I know.” She said ruefully. “But you’ll always be Seven to me.” “And you’ll always be stubborn to me.” “Mmmm, stubborn old cow.” “You are not a cow, Kathryn.” She smirked. “Why, thank you, Annika.” “As always, Captain.” “Why do you keep saying that?” She asked, her hair falling past her ears as she leaned forward. “What?” “That… ‘as always’. It’s a strange reply. I’m sure the other senior staff have noticed.” “Ah there it is, that endless obsession about propriety.” “Alright, alright let’s not get into that again.” She said, rolling her eyes. “It’s just that -- to return to the original topic of discussion -- I did love you for who you were. Very much in fact. I'd like to think that I loved you in a way that only ever asked the everyday from you… that never asked you to be anything other than you.” “Your thoughts are certainly your prerogative, Captain.” “Is that your polite way of telling me to go to hell?” “As always, Captain.” She glared in mock anger. “Now you’re just doing that to provoke me.” “As always, Captain.” She let out a small sigh. “You know, I’m glad we can still talk like this. I don't believe in burning bridges.” “Nor do I. But I must admit… sometimes I believe that this is one that should no longer be crossed. Or maybe it's one that should have never been built at all.” “Oh?” “Yes, sometimes I… I…” Her words faded into silence. “Go on…” “Never mind. I’m sorry, I’m not quite myself… today was long and particularly emotionally taxing.” “All the more reason for you to tell me what’s bothering you.” She leaned closer to the table and placed her hand gently on top of the younger woman’s hand. “I told you, Kathryn… Believe me, you wouldn’t want to hear what I have to say.” “I hate it when you say that.” "It’s the truth. You know it is. You’re just being supportive and nice because you think it’s your duty as a friend… as a Captain. That’s why you’re ‘glad’ we can talk this way, that we can still interact." “You know, this is the part of ‘Annika’ that pisses me off the most. This overweening arrogance, this presumption… I hate how you always act as if my behavior is predictable. As if you finally figured me out, finally discovered what makes me tick and now you patronize me. That’s probably why you left me in the first place.” “Kathryn, that’s not fair.” “Admit it. You thought you knew me so well. You thought it was just going to be too difficult, too inefficient, too high a cost for you to pay.” “Kathryn…” “Admit it!” “Computer, freeze program!” Annika Hansen slumped against the holographic table and wept into the palms of her hands. “Can’t you understand? This! This is the reason I left you! This is the reason I had to leave you! You never wanted to hear the truth! The truth is that being free is not being without obligation, but being able to love. To love someone else enough to forget about yourself even for one moment is to be free.” She stood up and leaned over so she could look the hologram in the eye. “The truth is that I want to be allowed to love without limits.” She started jabbing the hologram in the chest, feeling increasingly more frustrated as the force field pushed back. “The truth is that sometimes I need to know how you feel about me. The truth is that sometimes I grow weary of asking and of ‘figuring you out’. The truth is that I still love you.” Annika sobbed and wrenched herself away from the perfect replica of the face she saw in her dreams. “Even if I changed who I am, I couldn’t change the fact that I still love you.” She said softly, tears slipping down her cheeks and neck. “The truth is that I cannot even be your friend anymore, because I can’t even talk to a hologram of you without fighting with you... without being hurt by you.” “And as always, the truth is that I miss you… and I don’t know how to tell you in a way you would understand or would think was appropriate.” Annika dried her tears on the black sleeve of her Starfleet uniform. “As always, Captain,” She said with a dry laugh, “The truth is I need to touch you and be touched by you. The truth is that I want you to allow me to love you. I want you to love me… or tell me the truth.” Annika took a last look at the hologram before she called an end to the program. “Happy Anniversary, Kathryn.” She sank to her knees on the black and yellow grid, the cold hard deck plating of the holodeck. Annika smoothed her fingers through her hair and schooled her features, taking deep cleansing breaths. The chirp of a communicator broke the still, slightly stagnant air. “Icheb to Annika”. “Annika here.” She acknowledged, steadying herself. “The prescribed time for your holodeck session will expire in five minutes.” “Thank you, Icheb.” “Certainly.” The young man replied. “Icheb out.” Closing the comm channel, she leaned against the wall, closing her eyes and letting her thoughts meander, soothing her nerves. Tuvok had taught her several relaxation techniques, as well as suggesting that her future time in the holodeck be timed by another person, and not the ship’s computer – which she could override. Naturally, she had chosen Icheb. He was the most precise. She had never asked him to stop reminding her, and it had become a habit neither of them had “grown out of”. Annika sighed. She wished the Doctor would find a stronger therapy for Tuvok, something that would delay the progression of the disease… he had seemed to be in remission for the past eight months, he had even returned to duty. But he had a relapse and was even now slipping further into the coils of this disease. She needed Tuvok’s calm, his words of peace and quiet support, now more than ever. As the holodeck chronometer signaled the end of her holodeck time, and Annika Hansen stood, holding her head high. She realized as she walked out through the arch and into the corridor, that she missed having her own internal chronometer, missed to a certain extent, the accuracy and precision of her implants. “Sev-Annika.” A voice called out as she stepped out of the turbolift on Deck 3. “Captain.” She acknowledged. “How can I help you?” “As you know, Naomi will be taking her first Combat Tactics simulation exam in two weeks. I was wondering if you and Lieutenant Paris could throw something together to fit this mold.” The Captain requested, holding out a PADD rather stiffly. “Certainly.” The smaller woman’s tone softened. “I don’t want you to put too much time into this, you’ve been taking on a lot of extra work since Tuvok… went on leave.” “I understand.” “I mean it.” She warned, her tone softening. “I don’t want you, or anyone else on the crew, to push themselves too hard." “As always,
Captain.”
|