April Foolery

Intro music from Titanic soundtrack. FX of foghorn, maybe some howling wind and stormy sea.

Bare set apart from a small table and some sort of sign (or life belt) with ‘SS Titanic’ prominent. Enter ship’s steward carrying 2 deckchairs. He puts them up beside the table and exits. Enter Carruthers, slightly swaying with the ship’s motion, carrying a copy of Horse and Hound (or similar mag) and a small hip flask from which he takes frequent nips. He sits and starts reading. Enter Smythe, also with a suitable newspaper or magazine.

SMYTHE Good lord, Carruthers, what's all the commotion?

CARRUTHERS Hello, Smythe. Oh, some sort of emergency. It seems we’ve run out of ice.

SMYTHE Really? I thought my gin sling was a bit tepid this evening.

CARRUTHERS … or was it, run into ice? Yes, that’s it.We’ve hit an iceberg.

SMYTHE Never!

CARRUTHERS Afraid so! It appears we're sinking, old boy.

SMYTHE Rotten luck.

CARRUTHERS Rather. Fancy a nip?

SMYTHE Thank you, don't mind if I do. I suppose that explains why my cabin door was underneath the bed when I woke up. I though it a bit odd. I say, this is a very fine drop of Scotch.

CARRUTHERS Inchgower 12 year old Extra Special Reserve. I have a chappie in Edinburgh who gets it for me.

SMYTHE Awfully nice.

CARRUTHERS Yes... Pity, really.

SMYTHE How do you mean?

CARRUTHERS Well, I just ordered four dozen bottles at two guineas each.

SMYTHE Seems a bit of a waste. So you don't think we're going to make it?

CARRUTHERS Doesn't look good. Mrs Carruthers asked Croaker, the quarterdeck steward, when he brought her nightcap, and he said we had less than two hours. How's Mrs Smythe, by the way? Is her stomach any better?

SMYTHE Couldn't say. Drowned, I'm afraid.

CARRUTHERS Oh, rotten luck.

SMYTHE Went out the porthole when we started to list. It was her shout that woke me, as a matter of fact. Shame she missed all the excitement. She always enjoyed a good sinking.

CARRUTHERS Mrs Carruthers is just the same.

SMYTHE She didn't go over as well, did she?

CARRUTHERS Oh, no. She's gone to see the purser. Wanted to cable Fortnum's and cancel the order for the garden fete. Not much point now, you see.

SMYTHE Quite. Still, all in all it's not been a bad voyage, wouldn't you say?

CARRUTHERS Couldn't agree more. Young Kate, my daughter, has found the whole thing thrilling. First time afloat. You haven't seen her, by any chance?

SMYTHE No, why do you ask?

CARRUTHERS It's just that she rushed off in a rather odd way. Said there was something she had to do with young Lord D'Arcy before we went under. Something to do with them taking something elsewhere.

SMYTHE Taking something elsewhere?

CARRUTHERS Well, she made some reference to them having it away, if I heard her right. I can't pretend I understand half the things she goes on about. And in any case, I was somewhat distracted. Mrs Carruthers had just spilled her nightcap down her negligee - the impact, you understand - and was in a terrible temper because Croaker wouldn't bring her another. He told her to get it herself.

SMYTHE What extraordinary insolence. I suppose he was a bit out of sorts because he won't be getting his tips now, will he? Can't say I blame him really. Still.

CARRUTHERS I reported him, of course. One has to observe the formalities even in a crisis or we should be in a terrible mess, don't you agree? The quartermaster assured me he won't get another posting on this ship.

SMYTHE I should think not.

CARRUTHERS Bit of a technicality, I suppose, but at least it's been noted in the book.

SMYTHE It's been a funny old night, when you think about it. Wife drowns, ship sinks, and there was no Montrachet '07 at dinner. I had to settle for a very middling '05. I shall be very glad to get this day over.

CARRUTHERS You think that's unfortunate? Have a look at these.

SMYTHE Sorry, old boy, I can't see in this light. What are they?

CARRUTHERS Return tickets.

SMYTHE Oh, that is bad luck.

CARRUTHERS They're for the outside port cabin on the Promenade Deck.

SMYTHE Very bad luck.

CARRUTHERS No, it hasn't been a very good night, with one thing and another. Do you know, I won £500 off Johnnie Bugatti at bridge this evening?

SMYTHE Really? Jolly good show!

CARRUTHERS The thing is, he wrote me a cheque. Where am I going to cash it at this hour?

SMYTHE Oh well, worse things happen at sea... FX band playing in the background

I say, what's that noise?

CARRUTHERS That will be the steerage passengers drowning, I expect.

SMYTHE No, it sounded like a band.

CARRUTHERS I believe you're right. Yes, you are quite right. A bit mournful, don't you think? I shouldn't want to try to dance to that.

SMYTHE "Nearer My God to Thee", isn't it? They might have chosen something a bit more festive for our last night at sea.Talking of sea, is it my imagination or is the sea getting closer?

CARRUTHERS I think you’re right again! Perhaps we ought to move up the deck a bit.

SMYTHE Good idea… Steward! Steward!

Enter Steward, unflappably Jeeves-like

STEWARD Yes sir?

SMYTHE (rising) Be a good chap and move these chairs further up the deck, would you? It’s getting a bit damp down here.

STEWARD Of course, sir.

CARRUTHERS How long have we got, do you suppose?

STEWARD About 40 minutes, sir, I'd say.

SMYTHE Oh well, good luck! Don’t suppose I'll be seeing you again…

STEWARD Not in this life, sir.

SMYTHE What? Oh, that's very good. I must remember that. Here, better give you your tip now…Well, good night.

STEWARD Thankyou very much, sir. Good night, sir.

Carruthers and Smythe exit as the Steward packs up the chairs.

CARRUTHERS I'm sorry about Mrs Smythe,

SMYTHE Oh, I expect she'll bob up somewhere. She was awfully buoyant.

Steward folds up the chairs and, before exiting, pauses to face the audience.

STEWARD What a job! See the world, they said. So what do I get to do? Re-arange the deck chairs on the Titanic!

Sinking Of The Titanic
T'um Fu