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April FooleryDemonstration by the Painswick and District T’um Fu Society Music FX: Opening bars of ‘Kung Fu Fighting’, ‘Enter The Dragon’ or something else vaguely Chinese. Enter Mighty Warrior and Little Shining Star both dressed in traditional Kung Fu kit. Mighty Warrior wears a black belt and a self-satisfied smile. He is a pompous git. Little Shining Star has a yellow belt and is obviously bored by the whole performance. She would rather be watching The Spice Girls. They take up positions facing each other, smile in inscrutable oriental fashion and bow to each other with hands clasped. They then go into an elaborate kung fu style performance, circling, kickboxing, air chopping etc, until Little Shining Star jabs her fingertips into the ample belly of Mighty Warrior with a cry of ‘Tum!’ Mighty Warrior responds with a cry of ‘Fu!’ and doubles up in pain. They bow and smile to each other again. Mighty Warrior’s inscrutable smile has faded somewhat. They turn to the audience and bow again. Mighty Warrior: Good evening Ladies and Gentleman. My name is Alf O’Priol, otherwise known as Mighty Warrior, and I am Secretary of the Painswick and District T’um Fu Society. And this is Little Shining Star, one of our younger members. I would like first of all to thank PaDS for allowing us this opportunity to demonstrate the martial art of T’um Fu this evening. In T’um Fu, which is one of the most ancient of the martial arts, we use just our bare hands to paralyse the opponents central nervous system. As you have just seen, this is achieved by thrusting the fingers into a vital point about an inch below the navel, known in Chinese as the T’um. Little Shining Star will now demonstrate the basic T’um Fu thrust. Little Shining Star performs the forefinger thrust into Mighty Warrior’s stomach with considerable force and another cry of ‘T’um!’ Mighty Warrior responds as before. They both bow. Little Shining Star is beginning to enjoy herself. Mighty Warrior: The history of T’um Fu is really quite fascinating. It originated in the foothills of the Himalayas. According to legend, there was once a poor village whose inhabitants were terrorised by hordes of marauding bandits, armed with seven-foot spears. Each Spring as the snows melted, these bandits would sweep down from the mountains, brandishing their seven-foot spears, bent on rape, pillage, ullage and spillage, and causing the poor unarmed villagers to flee in terror. Then, one day, the wise man of the village decided that enough was enough and he sought the help of the Monks of the Holy Fu. And the Monks revealed to him the secret of the Great T’um. All Winter long, night and day, the villagers trained and practised until they had perfected the art of T’um Fu. And when the following Spring, the snows melted and the marauding bandits swept once more upon them with their seven-foot spears, the villagers did not flee. They stood their ground and did battle. The result was obvious. They were all slaughtered. All that is but the wise man, who proved how wise he really was by reasoning that the best way of surviving a marauding bandit with a seven foot spear was to stay eight feet away from him. And so the secret of T’um Fu survived and was passed on to the present day. Before we go on to the next part of our demonstration, I should like to mention our belts. Many people ask what is the significance of the different coloured belts we wear. Well, the significance is that if we didn’t wear them our trousers would fall down… Just my little joke! Little Shining Star rolls her eyes. She has heard this joke many times before. Mighty Warrior: In fact, of course, the belts signify levels of skill. As a novice, or Teenee T’um as we say in T’um Fu, Little Shining Star wears a yellow belt. I, as you can see, wear the black belt of a master expert or Great T’um. I shall now demonstrate some of my expert skills. In the next demonstration I shall prevent my opponent attacking me by use of a superior defensive strategy. As before they face each other, bow and begin to circle. Mighty Warrior places one hand on top of the head of Little Shining Star so that she cannot reach him. They circle like this for a bit. Mighty Warrior is looking smug, Little Shining Star is getting more and more frustrated. Eventually, she stamps on his foot and, whilst he is hopping around in agony, she delivers a ‘T’um’ thrust. Mighty Warrior: Fu….! You little shi…ning Star! He is about to thump her when she bows. Hurriedly, he follows suit, muttering darkly. He recovers and turns to face the audience with a fixed smile. Mighty Warrior: In the final part of our demonstration, Ladies and Gentlemen, using just the fingers of my bare hand I shall break a genuine housebrick in two. He picks up three bricks and arranges them on a low table thus:
The top brick is obviously polystyrene, the other two are real.) Mighty Warrior: When I say bare hand, in fact I shall be wearing a glove… I find the brick dust brings me out in a rush. Little Shining Star, my glove, please! Little Shining Star: Oh… er sorry. I forgot it! It’s on the chair behind the screen. Mighty Warrior: Typical! If you want something doing… He storms off stage. Little Shining Star makes sure she is alone and then turns to the audience and puts her finger to her lips to hush them. She swaps the polystyrene brick for a real one. Mighty Warrior returns with a glove on his right hand. He prepares himself… Mighty Warrior: Ladies and Gentlemen! I must ask you please to remain completely silent during this demonstration… After much posturing, deep breathing etc, he brings the gloved hand rapidly down onto the brick. There is a nasty crunch as of bones breaking. He yells in pain. Mighty Warrior: You little sh… just wait till I catch you!…. Exit Little Shining Star very rapidly, pursued by Mighty Warrior. |
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