The Adventures of Paisley
Blue
So many times I wanted to sit at the keyboard and talk about what is going on with my life, but it was not the time. So it is with great happiness that I am here once again to record my life and my thoughts.
In the middle of this mess resulting from my recent attacks, I have been stunned by the fact that the detective is actually doing detective work. It scares me a little that one or both of these cases might go to court, but I have a strong body of people supporting me, no matter what happens. I have reached a point in my life, in my growth as a person, where I am not terrified to go to court over this. I now realize that my life won't be ruined if this goes to trial. It will just be another thing.
Another thing that puts all this into perspective is the fact that we are at war. It is not just a war with another country -- instead, we are at war with terrorists. The media tells us that there is a 100% chance that the terrorists will strike again on American soil in retaliation for the bombing we are doing to Afghanistan right now... and I am very aware that Seattle has got to be right up there on the list of probable targets.
Why would I feel that way? One of the terrorists was caught entering the port here in 1999. There was an attempted terrorist attack at the Space Needle -- I don't know how long ago, but people are still talking about it.
I am once again in the calm zone that I have felt before where I am aware that I could die at any moment, and it is okay. I am at peace with my gods, and I am happy with my life. That may seem a strange thing to say, but just try walking away from the face of death a few times, and you'll understand my point of view.
If there were a terrorist attack in Seattle, it would probably happen downtown, within six blocks of where I work, give or take. I don't know if I would survive the initial attack, but if I do, I do. If I don't, I don't. Of course, I hope I do because then I can be of assistance to others around me who are hurt, and I can continue on with my life as a survivor.
Yesterday morning when Twinkle got off work, he came and woke me up saying he needed to do some "retail therapy." That's my favorite kind! I hurried up and got dressed and ready to go out, then we went to our favorite local thrift shop to look for bargains. Afterwards we hit a neighborhood tavern that served an excellent all-you-can-eat brunch for a reasonable price. It was such a wonderful day with him. I love making such great memories.
Last night I became quite depressed and started crying. Unable to stop, I began to pray and plead with the Goddess to make the pain go away, to help me find the will to keep going, to give me strength. It's like I reached a point of utter despair, and then She was there. I felt this warm tingly feeling flow through me, and words began coming out of my mouth:
"I will be okay. Life is love. There is beauty in love. There is beauty in life. There is beauty in me. I will be okay."
I repeated those words over and over, and my mind calmed and my heartbeat slowed to a reasonable rhythm, and soon I fell asleep. What a wonderful thing to have happen to me. I can't say it was a miracle, and I did not see angels, but I felt the presence of Divinity and Eternal Love in my little hovel of a room. For that, I am grateful and humble.
It was a wonderful, peaceful experience and I am fortunate to have had it. The events of the past few weeks have been hard on my soul, but I go on. And I go on.
~Paisley Blue |
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