The Adventures of Paisley
Blue
I am doing better than the last time I wrote. There are big changes ahead in the next few days and I feel a building sense of anxiety over it. Intellectually I know it is because change feels scary, but in this case, it is going to be for the better.
From this point, anything has to be better.
In particular, I am talking about where I live. Michael and I are moving to Kent. At least, that is the plan today. Last night we went and had supper with a nice couple, to meet and let us all decide if we wanted to share an apartment. Kent is a good commute from Seattle, about 45 minutes by Express bus. Of course, Michael says he will give me a ride to work each day.
The most important thing to me is to be with Michael, whether that's in a little fleabag hotel room on Capitol Hill, or in a 3-bedroom apartment in another city shared with 4 other individuals and 2 cats.
Sometimes I feel concerned because when I ask questions or even just try to be myself in a friendly manner chatting with people, I somehow seem to irritate or rub Michael the wrong way. When this happened last night, though, we talked it out and I tried to explain where I was coming from, and tried to understand where he was coming from.
Another thing I learned during our conversation last night is that Michael is one of these guys who *shows* his love rather than *tells* his love. When I asked him if he were happy being with me, he replied that if he were not happy, he would not be going to all this trouble to move us down to Kent, and if he were not happy, he would not have signed the papers to buy the entertainment center with me.
This is true. These activities are evidence of someone in a committed relationship. If he were not happy or satisfied being with me, he would not be here now, would he?
I am going to have to learn to think in this manner, so that I can find the answer to that question that all women ask themselves -- whether or not they verbalize it -- "Is he happy with me?" "Does he want to be with me, or am I just convenient?" "Does he still love me?"
Okay, maybe other women are not that insecure, but I'm not going to beat myself up about wishing for reassurances. For one thing, I am getting better. I am learning to rely on myself more for the reassurances I need about my own worth and value, etc. For another thing, I am a lot better than I was in the past about that kind of thing. If I remember right, I've only asked those kinds of questions a handful of times *ever* as compared to a handful of times everyday. You have to admit, that's improvement.
I am very happy with Michael. I am happy being with him, talking with him, doing things with him, sleeping with him, and living with him. I try to let him know that, in case he's the type of person who would never ask "Are you happy with me?"
~Paisley Blue |
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