December 3, 2001

The Adventures of Paisley Blue Today I have been smiling and happy and generally feeling very good. I know my coworkers are wondering what's wrong with me. After all, it is Monday morning. I think it started with the kiss Michael gave me this morning, and how everyone was in a good mood... I am also very pleased to be completely moved out of the hotel. I don't ever have to go back there again. During one of the trips to move my things, Twinkle stopped by. We had a tense conversation and in our awkward way, in front of everyone, said goodbye. I really hate that our friendship had to end like this... and maybe it hasn't completely ended because we have had our differences before. But this time it feels like the end. This time feels different. Even Smartalek could feel the tension on Thanksgiving Day, when Twinkle and Michael made me choose between the two of them. Smartalek says it was quite evident to him what was going on. I know I picked the right man, though. Michael is good and honest and I trust him. I feel loved and how can there be even one drop of doubt that I love him? He communicates so well, and I find it refreshing that of the two of us, he is the one who communicates better in the relationship. I am the one who needs to improve. Being with him stretches me into a better person, and I enjoy it. I enjoy him. There was some intense questioning by other people this weekend about why I would ever marry a gay man. I don't see Michael as being a label. He is a man. He is a human being. He is a spirit of light, and my spirit loves his spirit. My life has so far taught me that the things that really matter most in a marriage are the trust, companionship, love, and shared experiences. Being affectionate, being there for each other, and being intimate are vital -- however, that does not have to include sex. Otherwise, how would relationships with those who have physical disabilities and are unable to have sex survive? How many married people do you know who have less and less frequent sex as they get older, but it doesn't diminish their love and caring for one another? I guess my point is that while sex is enjoyable and healthy and can bring two people close together, I believe it is possible for Michael and I to have a long, successful, happy marriage just being who we are. I am so excited about the adventure that lies before us. I can't wait to see where we go. I am feeling the urge to draw again... if only I could find my pens! However, before I do that, I need to clear out a bunch of the stuff that I brought with me. Michael helped me go through a bunch of boxes yesterday, and that helped a lot, but there is still more to do. Once I've finished that huge project, then I can start drawing again. Right now it seems so important to live in the moment, day by day, and not worry too much about the future. It's not even that I am really worried about the future. Instead, there's just so much going on everyday that if I don't stay tuned in, I'll miss it. My days and evenings are jam-packed. It's cool. I feel really alive. ~Paisley Blue

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