February 19, 2002

The Adventures of Paisley Blue You have to have a little rain to enjoy the rainbow, right? I am expecting one helluva beautiful rainbow soon. Yesterday I came into the office for five hours and got lots of work done. I told my boss and one of my coworkers about how things were going at home. If anything happened to me, I wanted someone to know... Another bit of bright cheerful news that occurred while I was at work is that my moontime began. Oh, joy. So last night before Michael went to work, he seemed to be in an okay mood, mildly bitchy, not happy about having to go to work. Once we knew he was gone, me, our housekeeper (I need to give him a nickname!) and Mechanic, mobilized. Well, Mechanic basically stayed in bed because he was not feeling well and had a fever. Our housekeeper is one of the guys who lives in the basement. I think I'll call him Scorpio because that's his birth sign. Michael made an agreement several weeks back with him that in return for keeping our place nice and washing dishes, Michael would pay him $200/month. This has not yet happened, but I think Scorpio sees that doing these things helps divert anger away from me... I don't know for sure but I think he continues to do the housework, in a way, as a gift to me. I am thankful that I am of such a personality and temperament that I endear some people to me and that they feel protective of me. Otherwise I would be well and truly isolated and alone in my current situation. Scorpio and I worked as a team to gather some laundry. Since the elevator's not working and I live on the 4th floor, Scorpio carried it all downstairs, did the laundry, and brought it all back up when it was dry. He even helped me fold it and put it away afterwards. We did this laundry with quarters that I had hidden away from my paycheck. If Michael had known about this money, I'm sure he would have spent it. I kept musing that you know it's bad when you have to do laundry in secret. You know it's bad when you have to hide money for doing laundry. I didn't feel too bad about the deception, though. Mechanic agreed with me that I need clean clothes for a professional appearance at my workplace. I fell asleep around midnight or so, knowing that whenever Michael dragged his butt home, I'd get awakened. Sure enough, about 3:00 am or so, he came bouncing into the apartment. He was in a good, happy drunk mood. With a sigh of relief, I prayed that I wouldn't do anything to mess it up. He passed cigarettes around to everyone, totally revelling in the power he wielded in being the only person with cigarettes. At least, that is what we allow him to think. Anyway... he came over and jumped on the bed and landed right on top of my abdomen. I sucked up the pain and did not make a sound, but you know with the hard cramps that come at the beginning of moontime, I was close to tears when he'd done that. While sitting on me he grabbed my wrist and flopped my arm back and forth while making a point about something. I was focused on the pain in my arm from his tight grip, but again, did not dare to say anything. I just tried to be as relaxed as possible to prevent it from hurting anymore than it already did. Then Michael noticed I was not yet smoking the cigarette he'd thrown at me. So in his drunken intention of being helpful or something, he tried to get me to light mine off of his. Instead, he ended up dropping the lit cigarette onto my arm, and in the process of trying to pick it up, rolled the burning end down the inside of my arm. I screamed from the pain, picked up the cigarette from the bed, and threw it onto the floor. He immediately jumped up and grabbed his cigarette, and called me a big baby. He went into the kitchen to continue cooking his macaroni and cheese, while I sat on the bed stunned, trying to figure out what to do. Mechanic had been sitting less than six feet away when this happened. I looked to him, and he silently motioned for me to come over to him. Staying out of Michael's sight, I stood close enough for Mechanic to examine my arm. He said it would hurt a little bit and a mark would come from it, but it'd be better by tomorrow. I asked if I should run it under cold water or something but he said no. I just know it hurt. I did my best to swallow the tears and not make any noise. Michael continued to rampage and say horrible things, driving Scorpio out. He sent Mechanic to the basement to fetch his housekeeper back, and Mechanic told me I would be okay while he was gone. I know he knew I was panicked at the idea of being alone with Michael. It might have been all of five minutes, and Michael did not attempt to hurt me any further. In fact, he tried in his clumsy way to apologize. Finally Michael went to sleep in the bathroom. We weren't exactly sure why, but about ten minutes later we knew when we heard him worshipping the porcelain throne. After throwing up a couple times, he started snoring. This morning I had an opportunity to talk with Mechanic, while Michael slept. He told me that when he'd gone downstairs to get Scorpio, he'd told Scorpio that if Michael hurt me one more time, we were leaving. There are some really important reasons why we haven't left yet, but if Michael is going to continue hurting me, we can't stay. My heart filled to overflowing to hear these words. Someone gives a damn about me. He's a wonderful friend. This morning Mechanic looked at my arm where the cigarette burn was and asked how I was doing. He gave me a big hug and said he'd see me tonight when I got home from work. He knows that I'm scared of Michael. He knows that I am scared to come home. He knows that I feel like I have no choice. But he also knows that I trust him to protect me. I don't see how anyone could have protected me from the cigarette burn. As Mechanic put it, that was an accident, but if he'd done that to someone, he'd have been kissing some serious booty instead of calling that person a big baby. While Michael was trying to cook his mac & cheese, he broke my crystal bowl. He flung things around and also broke the glass candle bowl that I received at Yule 2000 from my friends at Widdershins. Mechanic and I have both stepped on glass, but of course, it is a bit more serious with my diabetes when I injure my foot. He had me soak it then put a bandaid on it. So that's what's going on with me... I'll survive. I have to. I've come too far to not survive. Michael ain't nothing on my second husband. That wacko used to point loaded guns to my head and ask me to give him one good reason why he shouldn't blow me away. Michael's small potatoes compared to that. As long as I can remember all that I have survived, I know I can make it through this. One way or another, something is going to change... I have to believe that. Wouldn't you? ~Paisley Blue

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