February 26, 2002

The Adventures of Paisley Blue Well, I survived the Annual Meeting. It was a lot of work but it was a lot of fun. We have been receiving positive feedback on it, too. An hour following that was our Staff Retreat. Last year I was still a temp when the retreat rolled around, so this was my first one. Each person's nametag had a colored sticker on the back. Each table had a round piece of paper in the center with one sticker of each color. You had to find a table that had a space available in your color. This way people were put into random groups, as a way for us to all get to know people outside our teams. There were several interesting presentations and projects. The food was great and I enjoyed getting to know the people on my temporary team. What really seemed cool and coincidental was that there were two people from upper management at my table, and I made a positive impression. Rockin', eh? Everyday has been a challenge and a struggle because being in survival mode takes a lot of energy. You're constantly watching and ready to spring into action. It's not really something I can turn off when I go to work or when I'm away from Michael. However, I know that my situation will change soon, and hopefully I'll feel safe enough to go back to normal living mode. This past Sunday Michael, Mechanic and I went out to the church near the University District where Wisdom was directing staff and volunteers in preparing a hot meal for the homeless. Operation Sack Lunch serves a hot meal on Sunday and Monday at the Veterans Memorial Wall in downtown Seattle. They also pass out sack lunches on Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. It was a lot of fun helping out, and afterwards, we all felt very good about what we had done. I don't remember if it was Thursday or Friday night, but Michael and Mechanic had gone out and I was at home. I decided to go out, too. Twinkle had called me and invited me to visit with him while he was working security at a couple of buildings. He even offered to pay for a taxi for me. I called him up and took him up on that offer. Well, I took the bus up there, but I stayed for several hours. I left at two in the morning and did allow him to call me a taxi at that time. We caught up on old times and had a lot of laughs. I also told him about what Michael had been up to, hurting me, controlling me, using me... and Twinkle was ready to kill 'im. Of course he won't because he doesn't want to go to jail, but he sure felt like it. However, he did end up offering to let me stay at his place, move in with him and get back on my feet. I talked with Mechanic about this. Of course, he did not want me to move out... he seems to want to keep me with him. However, a talk with Scorpio later on revealed that Mechanic does not want a relationship, at least not with a woman, and does not want to be involved with me more than as a friend. But I've also seen Mechanic tell people one thing while really feeling another thing -- he just likes to keep his private life very private. I'm not saying that Mechanic has told me anything drastically different -- he just got out of a long term relationship so I know he doesn't want to jump back into one. But he does seem to want to keep me by his side, at least to keep me safe... at least as a friend. For right now, that's what I want and need and crave. Yesterday morning when I woke up to get ready for work, I did not feel well. I grabbed a bite to eat, used the bathroom, and laid down again. Within moments I had a TIA... it is kind of frightening but at the same time I knew what was going on and I just trusted God that I would be okay. As it was happening, I could not speak or move, and I did not cry because I told myself there was no reason to cry. I just knew that I wasn't going to go to work that morning. By the time Michael and Mechanic woke up, I was having chest pain, too. I had had two hours to think about what I was going to do because that's how long it took them to wake up. They were surprised that I was still there and asked me what was wrong. I told them I was having chest pain, and Mechanic gave me some medicine to ease the pain. They had planned to help Wisdom out again with the hot meal, and I assured them I'd be fine, so they left. I knew if I told them about the mini-stroke they wouldn't go, and there was a high possibility that they'd insist I go to the emergency room. All I really needed to do was rest, and with them gone, I was able to do so. After Michael went to work in the late afternoon, though, I told Mechanic the truth. I think he understood. We had a very quiet evening, talking and laughing and watching a little tv. The electricty went out for a couple hours, and the boiler had been out all day. When the lights went out I went to the office to enquire as to when it would be back on. The main 200 amp fuse had blown for half the building, and the manager had to go to the hardware store to get another one. I also found out the people who were working on the boiler had gone home for the day and would be back tomorrow. In other words, no heat last night. I have been reading "Turning Hurts into Halos" by Robert Schuller and it has already made a big impact on my outlook. I feel more positive. I feel hopeful. I know that things are going to work out. It reminds me that there is a reason for all the pain and trials that I go through. I have a feeling, though, that I am going to need to turn right around and read this book again so I can remember the really important things in it. Mechanic is the one who urged and encouraged me to read the books by this man. This is just the first of thirteen books that Mechanic had me get. It seems like a lot of reading ahead of me, but I don't mind. I realize that Mechanic has my best interests at heart, and he is a really good, true friend. May we all have such good friends as Twinkle and Mechanic in our lives. ~Paisley Blue

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