The Adventures of Paisley Blue I will admit to being slightly depressed today. Somehow I've got to find a way to leave Michael, and I don't know what it is, but he's been in a fun, lovable, good mood the last two days. Oh, wait. I know why. There's money in the house. Wait til we're broke again... then leave, right? It won't take long. Yesterday he went to Rent-A-Center and arranged to get another television entertainment center delivered. I just shake my head in disbelief because we just went through how many days and weeks of no food and scrabbling for cigarettes and gas money... so once he gets a paycheck he uses it for that??? I haven't paid the rent yet. I'm holding onto my money til the very last second. The moment I pay the rent, I know I won't go. I want to go so bad I can taste it. Why haven't I left yet? Mechanic. He says, wait, we have to play this by ear, choose our time wisely. Mechanic has a lot to lose if Michael reacts in a vengeful negative manner. And I have a lot to lose if I don't have Mechanic's help to leave. First of all, Mechanic is protecting me. Second of all, I will not get to take much with me when I leave if I don't have his help. I may be able to manage a suitcase and a backpack by myself. With his help I can have all my clothes, my artwork, my journals and books, my jewelry, the few possessions I have in this world. I have left behind everything I owned before... twice. It's not that I can't do it. It's that I've already lost everything before... and this time I have things I didn't have before, like my baby photos that mom gave me, and like the first examples of my published artwork. It makes me furious to think I might have to lose everything again, just because of a M-A-N. Even if he is gay!!! I do not foresee myself being involved in any relationships anytime soon. I'm hurting inside too much. There is one man I'd let in... you know who it is... my husband. It sounds kinda funny to my ears to say there's one man I'd let into my life right now and I'm married to him, but heck, he's been gone how long now? Is there something wrong with me? Maybe. I chuckle to think that if a shrink read the last couple of months in this journal he might think I'm bi-polar or something. Nah. I just have a lot of emotions swirling around and have to let them out somewhere. Everyone talks about how unemotional I am... but there are a few people in this world who could testify that I am exactly opposite. I just hide it to protect myself. I have a new project to throw myself into. The leader of a local pagan group has sent me a story via email and wants me to illustrate it. The children get a kick out of having pictures to look at while the story is being read. I get a kick out of people enjoying my drawings. It's important to me to get back into contributing my artwork to the community because it is something that I do. Michael has nothing to do with it; he cannot take any of the credit or find any way to twist it to his advantage. I hope I don't sound selfish. I am just trying to retain my individuality. I'm trying to not disappear. ~Paisley Blue

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