Paisley's Journal March 14, 2002

The Adventures of Paisley Blue I have been insanely busy at work this week, which is a good and a bad thing. It's bad in that I have been stressed by deadlines and trying to get too many things done in too short a period of time. It's good, though, because being busy like that helps me keep my mind off of the troubles at home, and the things that stress me out otherwise. Another bit of good news that added to my busy-ness is that the attorney whom I occasionally work for at night called me in on a bankruptcy case. That's a few extra dollars in my pocket, and I love playing the paralegal. It's fun to interview the client, and ask questions and get to know them. I think the attorney likes to use me because I'm very down-home, squeaky clean and honest looking, and I put clients at ease right away. Last night after leaving the law offices, though, a man followed me, harrassed me, attacked and chased me, and I barely got away. There were no permanent marks but he did scratch my face up a little bit and I felt bruised all over when I woke up this morning. When I finally made it home, Michael and Mechanic were not there, and I was still pretty jumpy. I hung out downstairs on the front step, bummed a cigarette, and finally went back up to the apartment. I couldn't watch tv and I didn't want to listen to music. So I pulled out a book and started reading until I fell asleep. Two hours later I woke up, still alone, and very hungry. There's been so little food in the house it's not even funny. One night my supper consisted of two handfuls of cold cereal, a spoon of peanut butter, and sugar-free Kool-Aid. Anyway, shortly after I woke up, they returned home. I was very quiet, I suppose... although I wasn't really trying to be. I'm guessing I was still shook up over what happened. Well, I finally started opening up to them and Michael got mad at me... and accused me of making everything up... and asking me what was wrong with me that I kept getting attacked like this. Now I was truly in shock. My mouth hung open - I did not know what to say. How can you reply to such accusations? It was beyond my imagination that he would say such things to me. Mechanic, who was sitting on the bed beside me, put his arm around me just before I busted out crying. I couldn't stop it, hard as I tried. As soon as Michael walked out of the room, Mechanic said, "Don't sweat the small sh*t." I pointed towards Michael and whispered, "Small sh*t?" He grinned and nodded, and I smiled a little tiny smile. Later, when Michael was snoring, Mechanic listened to my tale and asked questions and the only thing he was upset about was the fact that I didn't call the police. I really need to do that when these things happen. It's just so hard... knowing the hell they're going to put me through... but if it ever happens again, I will not hesitate to call 911. Is this really the first time I've been assaulted since last September? Let's see, there was the two times in Jan-Feb 2001, and two times in Sep 2001, and does the ecstasy experience count? I dunno. Still, doesn't that sound excessive to anyone besides me? I keep trying to believe it's not my fault, like the counselors would tell me, but it's starting to get kinda hard... One thing I do have going for me is that I'm starting to get braver about yelling and fighting back. Out of those six incidents I just mentioned, only half of them reached all the way to penetration. That's better odds than when I was a teenager and young adult. (I have to try and find some silver lining here, y'know.) There's a new girl at work two floors up from me, and we had lunch together in the break room. She's just a couple years younger than me, has one child, and lives with her mother. We've got a lot in common, we already found out. I haven't thought of a nickname for her yet, but I'm sure it'll come to me. I am hoping that she and I will be friends. Last night I really wished I had a bottle of whiskey or something comparable. I know tonight I'll probably wish the same thing. The best thing that could happen to me, though, is if I could get through these crises without the aid of mind-altering substances. Then the alcohol could be just for recreation and fun, like it should be. Hmm... just ignore those rambling thoughts of a sober cubicle-sitting office worker on a Thursday afternoon. LOL ~Paisley Blue

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