Paisley's Journal March 21, 2002

The Adventures of Paisley Blue It's exactly one week later and, once again, life has changed in some pretty dramatic ways. For one thing, over the weekend we moved to another studio apartment in another hotel. For another thing, Michael quit his job and I'm the only breadwinner in the 'family.' The really biggest news of all, though, is that Tuesday afternoon I broke up with Michael. I took his ring off, and told him we are not getting married. I even asked him to leave but I ended up backing down on that demand. He's been horribly sick since last week, to the point of vomiting and diarhhea and I'm just not that heartless. I'm thinking, though, that once he's better, I'll be ready to stick with that demand. He, on the other hand, is determined to not lose this relationship. He does not want to break up. Right now he is hard core kissing up to me, having dinner ready for me when I get home, that kind of thing. He's back to saying "I love you" all the time. But it's just not softening my heart... He admitted to me that afternoon that he had not been treating me with the respect I deserve. He admitted to me that when he is drunk, he is even meaner to me than usual. Even though he has sworn to never get drunk again, though, I know that he will. That's a really big promise to make. The clincher came when I asked him whether he would stay with someone who was abusive towards him, and after a quiet moment of reflection, he said in a real small voice "No." I knew he'd say it... because I know that he, too, has been in abusive situations and got himself out of them. But I needed him to hear me say that he's been hurting me, and I needed him to know that it's not okay. Another thing that Michael does not know is that his friends tell me how he talks about me when I'm not around. I know that he calls me his sugarmama and that when asked, he admits that the only reason he's with me is for the money. Oh, how I burned with anger the first time I heard that. Then I was really sad and depressed. Now... I'm a little more philosophical about it but I'm also not going to let him just mooch off me for the next 20 years. So I feel stronger and more empowered... and I sometimes wonder if I could have come this far without Mechanic's help. He has been a real source of strength for me. We have become exceptionally close and shared some really special times. He has opened up to me about things that he swears he has never told anyone else before. Well, if he trusts me like that, how can I help but feel special about it? Basically I just know that he is a good man, and no matter what happens in the future, I will always be grateful to have known and loved Mechanic. There are just some people in our lives that make lasting impressions... who, it seems, are placed into our lives to teach us something or give us some kind of extraordinary gift. I can think of one man whom I knew when I was 18 years old, living in Salt Lake City. Arisht was the name he went by. He was an Aries, very handsome and all the girls loved him. He had been in a room in an apartment building one day when it caught fire. Later we learned that the fire had originated in the kitchen of an Asian family. The hot oil in the wok had started a fire, and in the end, the entire building was gutted. Arisht watched his roommate burn to death, and he had burns over 80% of his body. For nearly a year he was in the University of Utah hospital, recovering. The day he was discharged they let him wear a set of blue scrubs out onto the streets, and gave him a pair of slippers. Thank goodness it was spring and there was no snow on the ground. Everything he wore that day was all he owned. He started looking for friends, and ended up at a mutual friends house. That person was not in a position to take anyone in, but my husband and I were, so I took him home. Arisht was in my life for one summer. He taught me so much about life, so much about acceptance and tolerance and forgiveness and love. How could I ever repay all the good that he gave me? Oh, I was still a horny teenager and he was so good looking he'd make your clothes melt off your body -- but he would not touch me. I thought perhaps it was because I was married, but even after my husband told Arisht pointblank that we had his permission (my husband was very lenient with his young, adventurous wife), Arisht still said no. It was because he respected the intense spiritual bond between him and I. Up to that point in my life I had only met one or two other people who had refused to be sexual with me out of some similar kind of respect. I didn't know how to deal with it, and at first it felt like rejection. But as I learned the lessons that Arisht taught me that summer, I started to realize how precious and rare such respect was... that he was honoring me by not having sex with me. As the weeks went by, I knew in my heart that he was a special, spiritual, holy man, and that I was being granted something extremely wonderful by having him in my home. Sometimes we even talked about that, because he felt like I was the one who was very special, destined not for material greatness or fame, but for some kind of spiritual goodness. He often said that I was a teacher in training, and that while he knew he was teaching me, he would often learn things from me at the same time. Sharing all this in my journal is, in a way, kinda scary because I very rarely talk about this man, or the summer he was in my life. My first husband remembers this man, but he was too wrapped up in himself to really pay much attention to Arisht. My husband accepted the fact that I was always handing out food to the hungry, and sometimes bringing homeless people home for a hot bath and supper. Arisht was different, though. And in the same way, I feel like Mechanic is different. I know that I am learning things from Mechanic, and that my soul is growing from just having known him. Mechanic is a few years younger than me, but more often I'll get carded before he will. He just radiates the fact that he is an old soul. Old, wise, loving, loves a good joke, yet still learning for himself. Just being an old soul doesn't mean you're perfect and that your life is a cakewalk. I know that I have been a support for Mechanic as he has gone through some of his own life trials. One of the things I think about sometimes is the growing love I have for Mechanic. Even after what I wrote just a couple of days ago about never getting married again, about CB being the grande passion of my life... I could envision growing old with Mechanic. We have a closeness and ability to communicate that is incredible. Sometimes he tells me that something we're doing is the first time he's ever let anyone do that with him. How can statements like that make me feel less than special? But then I think who am I to think this gorgeous wonderful man would consider having a long-term romantic relationship with me? I'm old, been around the block a few times, and sometimes I wonder what I have to offer to anybody. That is when I draw on the lessons that Arisht taught me, when I give myself a pep talk about how I am special, too. Sometimes Mechanic will tell me "We need to find you a man who will love you and want only you..." and in my heart I am saying to myself, "What if I already found the one I want?" I'm not being conceited and thinking that he would want only me, but it's a nice dream. If I can just be his friend and business partner, and bask in his wonderful aura whenever possible, it will be good. I'll just keep these fantasies to myself (and hope that Mechanic never finds this journal). *smile* At least I keep growing as a person as a result of all the relationships I have. I guess its good that I'm still having growing experiences. If you ever stopped learning, I believe you'd stop living. Even my engagement to Michael was a growing experience, and I have learned things from him that no one else had ever taught me before. Sometimes my heart is too big. I am confident that I can love just about anybody on this earth. For many years I truly believed that I could survive an arranged marriage because I can always find the positive, find something to love about someone, until the love grew and became reciprocal. Most people who know me, like me, and most people I meet, I like. I think that is one of the reasons I can love many people at one time, and even a one night stand can have special, spiritual, and loving emotions swirling around it. For me, there is no casual sex because every sexual experience is an encounter between two souls. However, that doesn't mean that I have to marry or be deeply involved in the life of every person I have sex with. Perhaps to others it sounds strange -- I don't know. What matters is that this is how I am, and while it took many years for me to come to an understanding of how I work, at least now I am "self aware" about how I feel, and how I operate. I went and found myself, and I like myself, and I accept myself for how I am. This is one of the great lessons I learned from Arisht, one of the gifts that Arisht gave me. Ahh... memories.... This week has been very stressful at work for various reasons, and I'm glad that tomorrow is Friday. I've gotta go home and get some rest before I face the last day of this week. Have a good night, kiddies. ~Paisley Blue

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