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Paisley's Journal
May 28, 2002 |
The Adventures of Paisley
Blue
Last night Mechanic and I had a good, long talk. We went up to the roof, which seems to be my new favorite place, and just got really open and honest with each other.
I was overreacting to some things and apparently sending out really wrong signals about other things. Mechanic said he was starting to feel like I didn't want him around. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Basically he said I needed to relax and not sweat the small stuff. I agreed. I think things were a lot more comfortable and relaxed the rest of the night.
Then, tonight, we were talking and stuff, and he quoted something from my journal to me, and we talked about what he had read in my last entry. His account of the time at Pike Place Market was, in some ways, vastly different from mine. He said that especially after the disappearing act to the bathroom, he always knew where I was, and several times I walked next to him. And, he said, Red never edged me out.
I can only reach one conclusion. I must be so disconnected from reality that I don't know which way is up. We also talked about a few other things... things that he said he's told me several times... and I have absolutely no memory of it. None.
I wonder if he is exasperated with me. He has said that he believes I have selective memory. Dear God, if only I could remember better... and yet, if my perceptions are out of whack, what do I know? Is it within the realm of the possible that I have a selective memory but just don't know it?
If I had a dime for every time in the past someone has told me how frustrated they are being with me because of my memory problems, I'd be independently wealthy. So many, many times I have felt that it's just an exercise in futility to have relationships with people because of my memory, or lack thereof.
Heck, back in 1992 or 1993 (I can't remember which), my shrink at the time told me that I should not get seriously involved in a relationship for at least 10 years while I underwent intensive therapy to improve my interpersonal skills. At the time, I just laughed, and married my third husband a short time later. Now I have to wonder...
But what can I do? I just can't put myself on hold. I'm a very social person. Relationships are very important to me - the friendly kind and the romantic kind. I can live alone but I prefer to live with someone.
Shoot... if I'm that messed up, maybe it's dangerous for me to be alone. I dunno.
All I can do is the best I can do. I'm not going to go hide in the mountains away from people. I'm just going to forge ahead and keep trying... and keep hope alive that people will find something in me that is worth putting up with my weaknesses. I love completely; I feel like I'm a generous person. Sometimes I'm confused... yeah, I'll readily admit that.
But I am not a bad person. I am worthy of being happy. I am worthy of loving and being loved. Nobody's perfect, right? Well, I know there's these areas where I'm big, giantly 'not perfect' so maybe I can find a way to make up for it.
These revelations have much more far reaching consequences in my psyche than the relationship with Mechanic. This touches every social encounter, friendship, and romantic attachment I ever hope to have.
I just gotta keep my head up and nurse the flame of hope that burns in my heart.
~Paisley Blue
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