July 10, 2002 |
The Adventures of Paisley
Blue
I have spent a lot of hours redesigning this website. I wanted it to reflect the changes I feel inside after all the events and activities of the last several weeks. First, though, I would like to thank everyone who has been through these changes with me - my friends online and offline. Thank you for talking with me, for listening, for your advice and insight, and helping me process everything.
The time I have spent creating web pages and graphics has given me time to work through a lot of emotional issues and fundamental changes in the way I am looking at things these days. There has been so much upheaval in my life, so many questions and so much confusion, that I came close to abandoning my journal. However, I realize now how important it is to me. This collection of bytes has aided me in countless ways to figure out things like who I am, what I want, where I want my life to lead, and what goals I want to accomplish. It has helped me polish my ideals and even to abandon some ways of thinking that were probably more hurtful than helpful.
I have finally let go of CB, my husband. That was one of the hardest things for me to do. I had to go through all those steps - and all those months - to reach this point, though. Maybe I took a real roundabout way of doing it, but I had to do it my way. Doing it any other way, I believe, would not have been as real in my mind and heart. In the end, though, I have rethought my approach to relationships and what my hopes and goals for them are.
Now I have a much greater understanding and appreciation for friendship and loyalty, for trust and companionship, as well as self-reliance, inner strength and hope. I know I am not perfect in those things, yet it is good to know where I stand. This can only help me as I walk forward along my life path.
In some ways the relationships I have had with Michael, Mechanic, Hulk, and others have been central to these new ideas. They all taught me a lot, whether or not they knew they were being teachers. I've carried around certain ideas for two decades about what love is and is not, about what a relationship is and isn't, and what my part or role is within that framework. This is one of those times where I look to my upbringing and see how the things I learned through lesson, example, and experience have all shaped me.
I used to think that I could never have the things that my heart really desires. I used to think I was not good enough to even try for the loftiest of dreams. Now I know that I am worthy of good things happening. I deserve to be treated with respect, equality and honesty. I deserve to be number one in someone's life... beginning with me.
Mechanic, I am sure, will recognize some of this quite easily... how I went through a metamorphosis to reach a point of being able to acknowledge my own wants and desires. Then I reached the next step of beginning to verbalize those wants. I had to give myself permission to do that. I had to say to myself, "Paisley, it is okay for you to want that."
CB, Michael, and Mechanic all helped me achieve that in their own ways. The process is far from over, but how wonderful the journey of discovery is now!
One of the changes I have made in my thinking regarding relationships is in regards to those previously elusive demands of monogamy. Before, I felt that was a restriction, a cage, a limitation on my free will. Now I see it as the opposite... a freedom, a security, a solid ground from which to branch out. I have to kind of chuckle because I feel like I'm probably the last person in the world to discover this.
It's been a week now since the injuries I received on Independence Day. So far I've been to the doctor twice behind this. The first time I went, the doctor just did not believe me that this had been consensual. She questioned me closely to find out if I had been abused or raped. Just in case, she did a full STD screen. The second time I went, which was just this morning, I found out that in some ways I am worse off than the last time I was in, which is not exactly good news. I have more ideas of what to do now, and tighter restrictions on what I can eat and wear.
I have missed a lot of work, and in that time I also started to lose my confidence. This morning I was in tears, afraid that I was failing and doomed to be returned to my family in Arkansas. It's not that my family is torture but as long as I live this far away from them, I have the freedom to be me, to be an adult with my own ideas, feelings, and standards. If I returned to Arkansas, it would be admitting failure.
The pain I have endured in the last week has been indescribable. At first it was constant with flare-ups to the unbearable. With time it has slightly lessened in intensity but it is still always there. I am not looking at it as a punishment from the gods. I do, however, think that Escort shares some responsibility in this excruciating hell I've been through. I am not under any illusions, though, that I will receive anything - even emotional support - from him.
That is why I am so thankful for those who were there for me, each in whatever way he or she contributed. I know that I still have a long road of healing ahead of me, and it will certainly make me think twice in the future about who I choose to pair with.
I have to say that one of the biggest surprises of the last few weeks is the discovery of two men who want a real relationship with me. There have been lots of others who wanted "only one thing," but these two appear to be serious about wanting something more, something real.
One of these men is Michael. He has been through several interesting experiences since moving to Salt Lake City. From our discussions, I think he has apparently gained great insight into things that occurred between us. We have spent hours and hours on the telephone discussing our former relationship, the highs and the lows, what went wrong and why. He has apologized to me several times and I have felt that his words are genuine. All he is asking for now is a chance to start over, to win me slowly, to do things right. Based on our past, though, I have to say I will need to spend a lot of time watching, observing, and otherwise finding out if his words translate into actions. I hope he will understand that.
The other man is a newcomer. He introduced himself to me in an instant message, saying he had been reading my journal for months and felt like he knew me. He went on to illustrate several things we have in common, his thoughts on important topics raised in my journal, and his feelings as they relate to me. We are now friends, and who knows what the future holds?
It just seems mighty coincidental that as I reach these major changes in my outlook regarding life and love, that I am presented with opportunities to hone myself and grow in those areas. I am not a fortune teller; I do not know what will happen or if I will end up with one of these two men. However, I have to respect the fact that they came into my life in a strong but beautiful way at just this particular time.
At just this particular time... when I also let go of some unrealistic thoughts and dreams about Mechanic. He and I will always be good buddies. I know I will always be able to count on him, and I want him to know he can always count on me. We have been there for each other the past several months and it has been good. There were some really bumpy points, especially as I groped with the surprising emotion of jealousy where Red was concerned. I am over that now, thankfully. Because we were able to keep our communication open and work it out together, though, our friendship is immeasurably strengthened. I know this experience will help me in future relationships.
Going through the various discrimination and violent experiences of recent past have also helped me identify my strong feelings about freedom and equality. In the future I hope to do even more to promote understanding, tolerance, and respect for all people.
Sometimes I worry that I don't say things right, that perhaps I could word things better. However, I can only pray that the pure intent of my heart will show through in my words, and that everyone will be able to see where I'm coming from.
The important thing about recording these thoughts and feelings, and in fact, the important thing about this entire journal, is that it helps me to remember and focus on what's important to me. This journal is my digital memory to make up for what I lack in the organic one. Remember that saying about those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it? I feel like I've been stuck in a loop in some ways, and now maybe I'm starting to find my way out of all that tangled tape.
I believe the next several weeks and months will be full of adventure and education. I hope you will be there to share it with me.
~Paisley Blue
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