July 13, 2002 |
The Adventures of Paisley
Blue
7:00 a.m. Yesterday morning I had my regular weekly appointment with Trixie. I believe I pretty much blew her away with my accounting of the last two weeks. It's really not that I walk into her office with the hopes of blowing her mind, but it just seems to happen. My life is truly a soap opera.
Like the few others who know, she also cautioned me to be careful about letting Michael back into my life. Everyone remembers bits and pieces, and they relate them to me, in hopes of jogging my memory or convincing me that I really need to keep my eyes open. I do appreciate everyone's concern because it means they care about me. I'm going to keep my eyes open, and my lines of communication open, so that I do not (hopefully) walk blind.
So yesterday afternoon Michael returned to Seattle on a Greyhound bus. Mechanic and I were there to greet him and help him get home. Mechanic got there before I did but he was also closer to the bus station than I was. He brought the camera, too. When Michael got off the bus, he gave us both a hug at the same time, then went to retrieve his luggage. I know what it's like to finish a long bus journey - you just want to get your stuff and get away!
He looks different now with a goatee, moustache and eyebrows. I had forgotten what his new tattoo looks like, and when I last saw him, it was still healing. So we got to see the finished look for the first time. He returned with considerably fewer belongings than what he left with. I felt happy to see him again. He is a lot darker than before after spending all those weeks walking around in the desert sunshine. These are all my first impressions on seeing him again.
Over the next several hours we all visited at me and Mechanic's apartment. Queen, Escort, and Mama all stopped by to say hi. There was a lot of playfulness between Mechanic, Michael and I, including a squirt gun fight where I got absolutely soaked. I remember a lot of laughter last night, a lot of times when I felt very happy, and also some times when I personally felt awkward in not knowing what to say or do.
Michael did tease Mechanic and I because we had dirty dishes in the sink and the house was not the most spotless one you've ever seen. I had wondered, and my curiosity was soon fulfilled, about whether Michael would cook for us once he returned. Sure enough, we had some macaroni and cheese, after I got a lot of ribbing from the guys about my last attempt at making that dish. It was referred to as "mush-aroni and cheese" because it turned out so bad.
So I said I would go to work and earn money and do other things to make up for my lack of cooking ability. Michael immediately took me at my word and set me to washing dishes. Mechanic wasn't about to stop him - I know he wanted to see me do them, too. LOL
This morning I woke up at 6 am and tried to do some work online. I was able to connect remotely with the server at work but couldn't figure out how to get into the files. Later I will call one of my friends from work who works in IT and see if she can help. If not, I'll have to go into the office for a while sometime this weekend.
I've had some intermittent periods when the pain I've been in has flared up but I have to agree that I am getting better. This is a good thing. Seeing Escort yesterday though made me feel very uncomfortable. I later found out that Michael and Mechanic felt the same way.
So those are my first thoughts today. There may be more later.
11:30 a.m. Sure enough, there are more thoughts. I went back to sleep and, since Mechanic had gone out on business, Michael and I were cuddling together. I mean, he was still asleep when I crawled into bed next to him, and he just reached out and pulled me to him. Cynical Paisley is now warning me not to get too gushy and romantical about that...
I should tell you about Cynical Paisley. She's like the little devil that sits on my shoulder... only she's not mean or evil. She's just cynical. She always reminds me about how I've been hurt in the past, and that letting my emotions show is a bad thing. She has her uses, especially when I'm trying to take things slow and give myself a chance to decide who I want to be with.
Cynical Paisley has not always been her name, and she has appeared and hidden at different times of my life. Some people call this Dissociative Identity Disorder, Multiple Personality Disorder, and even Schizophrenia. I've had all those diagnoses at different times of my life with different shrinks. Personally I think shrinks still have a lot to learn. They think you have to be on antipsychotic drugs to live with, or manage, this condition.
I've managed to live without being "split" which is what I call it, for almost two years... without antipsychotics! There were a couple lapses last year but I was okay.
Multiplicity, simply put, is about hiding, pain and survival, no more, no less. It is a desperate, completely creative, and wonderful survival mechanism. It is a coping mechanism, as far as I can figure out, nothing more and nothing less. Well, it can be more, if it gets out of control. I am highly motivated to not let it get out of control because that would mean hospitalization while I got regulated on antipsychotics and I already know I don't want to go there.
One of the things I do worry about Cynical Paisley is that something might piss her off and she'll try to take control of me. I've learned a lot about this in the past, and to me it appears there are dangers associated with this, er, um, I can't call it a behavior. How about condition? Yeah, that's better. But since I am fully cognizant of Cynical Paisley maybe we can remain in balance with each other, and I will be in control.
Last night I tried to talk with Mechanic about this, but he just did not have any idea what I was talking about. It scares me to try and talk about it because I don't want to be rejected and looked at as a loony bird. So perhaps it would be better for me to just look at it as an opportunity to teach others. It's just that from conversations we've had in the past, I'm not sure he'll believe it. I sometimes wonder if he thinks all this stuff is just "in my head." Well, actually, it is!
Heck, it's scary just writing about it in here because admitting you have anything wrong with you is always a risk. But I have already decided that I am going to be number one to me and I am going to take care of myself, and talking out these things in my journal helps me deal with them. So here it is. I'm me and that's all I can be.
This morning about 9 a.m. Michael received a telephone call from his father, with an invitation to come out to the house and visit. This so totally blew Michael away he did not know what to think. So I'm taking advantage of this alone time to do a little work, and write again in my journal.
And ponder the strange twists and turns of my thoughts. LOL
~Paisley Blue
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