August 14, 2002
The Adventures of Paisley
Blue
It has not been easy to find the time or opportunity to enter things into this journal. I just want to state for the record it's not because I didn't want to write, but the few times I did have a chance to write the internet did not cooperate with me, or I'd go blank. Figures, eh? In fact, my writing desires have been directed in some other directions that are looking quite interesting. I've been writing some short stories that are very satisfying.
I've done a little artwork and my fingers itch to do more. I've been playing around with watercolor pencils and rediscovering the joy I've had with those in times past. I created a fairy for Michael, and it's a full page picture. I need to touch it up a little, and who knows, maybe he'll frame it.
For a while there was a literal onslaught of men in my life to the point where I nearly had a nervous breakdown. It seemed like every time I turned around there was another man who wanted to ask me out on a date. Didn't matter if I met them in the club or in a cab, they were asking for my number.
Perhaps that sounds like a really weird thing to write about, and perhaps it sounds a little like I'm complaining. Yet, if that's what I'm doing I am immediately overcome with guilt feelings because aren't there (date) starved women out in the world who would love to have this problem? (Doesn't that sound a little like your mom telling you to eat all your lima beans because there are kids starving in Africa?)
I spent some time kinda balled up inside and the men drifted away... at least, the men who weren't patient and understanding and interested in the real me. That's just about all of them. But to me that is okay because I'm really only interested in the type of guy who can stick it out and who can deal with the real me. Sometimes I'm just a little hard to understand... just ask Mechanic.
Mechanic has been so very patient with me through everything, even when he didn't understand what I was doing or what was going on in my head. Michael wasn't all bad, either. I had a very difficult time explaining to myself, much less to them, why the attention was bothering me and why I did not trust these strange men who wanted me all to themselves for several hours at a time.
The important thing is that the people who love me and care about me were there for me. Period.
At work I convinced my supervisor to let me order Paint Shop Pro 7. It will increase my productivity and my turn-around time on projects. Oh yeah... and it's going to be a very very fun toy to play with. Expect more original graphics on this site now. LOL
There has been a lot of sad news. QTBoy has learned that he has HIV. I don't suppose he'd mind me sharing that in my journal because he has been out at the bars and all over Capitol Hill telling anyone who will listen. He seems to be on self-destruct. I care about him and worry about him but don't see what I can possibly do except be his friend and be available if he ever wants to talk or anything.
While working late today, I received a phone call from Mechanic. Someone had been shot on the corner of our block. There were police and fire vehicles, the street was taped off, and a news van was on the scene. The blood-covered victim was in the ambulance, he said, and apparently they were working on him, but the ambulance was just sitting here. The victim must have died because otherwise the ambulance would have gone screaming down the road towards the hospital.
Despite all the bad things, though, I still feel optimistic inside. Go figure.
Today I feel like I am a new butterfly, ready to spread her wings and fly and discover the world and experience everything wonderful that there is to experience. And in the past couple of weeks I have definitely cocooned myself, so perhaps this is a very fitting analogy. I have come through a dark period and into the light and I'm very happy to be here.
Very happy indeed.
~Paisley Blue
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