August 17, 2002
The Adventures of Paisley
Blue
Well, I am sick again but at least it's not bronchitis or pneumonia - it's just asthma. It was bad enough, though, that when I called the doctor's office yesterday afternoon, and they were unable to squeeze me in, the nurse told me to go directly to the emergency room.
I questioned the need to go directly there, so she told me that based on the difficulty I was having talking, the sounds of my breathing, and my description of mild chest pain, that this could be a life-threatening asthma attack and to get myself there immediately. She then offered to have an ambulance pick me up. I politely declined but that convinced me that this was serious.
Sometimes its kinda hard to believe that asthma is so serious but I know people do die from it. I had been using my inhaler a lot yesterday, though, and did not feel any significant improvement. At the emergency room they took x-rays to make sure I didn't have anything else, and once that was done, they gave me three breathing treatments in a row. After all that Albuterol, I was shaky and had trouble with my balance. By the time I was getting breathing treatments, Mechanic showed up at the ER soon followed by Michael.
I can't tell you how overjoyed and happy I was when they arrived. It's not like I was laid out bleeding or anything, but in a way I was kinda scared and their presence was very reassuring. Soon, the doctor came in with my prescriptions and information sheets, and released me. So now I am on Prednisone (steroids) for a while, and he gave me a humongous bottle of Robitussin with Codeine.
We drove to our neighborhood and Michael and I went into the video store while Mechanic went to the pharmacy for me. He said the pharmacist's first reaction to my cough syrup prescription was something like "Do you have any idea how much cough syrup the doctor prescribed? Enough for the rest of her life!" At first he wasn't going to fill the whole prescription, saying he'd fill half of it. Mechanic told the guy he could call the doctor if he wanted to verify the amount, but he would not take just half the prescription, because that would mean paying two $10 co-pays instead of just one.
Very, very reluctantly the pharmacist filled the order for nearly one-half liter of cough syrup with codeine. When I saw the bottle later, my eyes about popped out of my head. I'd never seen such a big bottle of cough syrup. But you know, all I can figure is that the ER doctor read my file and saw that this asthma really kicks my butt when it flares up like this. So he was just helping me out, and in my book, that makes him very cool.
So................ I reckon this is a good time to quit smoking. I know, I know. But do you know how many times I have tried to quit in the past? Many, many times. When I have asthma attacks, especially when I get hospitalized for them, I tend to quit for a few weeks. However, it's really difficult to stay quit when both Michael and Mechanic smoke. There's ash trays around and they're buying cigarettes. I think I'm about to make a decision that if I'm not smoking, I don't want ashtrays out.
The guys said they would go on the patio to smoke, but that didn't last even three hours. I don't know if I can do it. In television, movies, and even books, there are references to smoking and, to me, that is almost a subconcious clue to light up. How can I ever go to a bar again? One of the things I always do is smoke.
Okay, this is sounding a little whiny... but I haven't had a cigarette since Thursday afternoon. This is Saturday morning. I want one real bad. I know where some are. I could just walk to the store and buy a pack if I really wanted to... but I also like to be able to breathe. That's kinda nice, too. So for as long as I can, I'm going to stick to my guns and not smoke.
Mechanic is supposed to be going to California. The trip was planned to begin this morning but has been postponed to Monday or Tuesday. Once he's gone, though, he'll be gone for two or three weeks, and that already seems like an eternity. I know in the scheme of things, though, it's not really that long and it's for a really damn good reason.
Michael will be here. Michael has really amazed me. He is working two jobs - he really has three but the third is rather sporadic - and there have already been a few situations that, in the past, he would have quit, but now he says, "Sorry, I've got to go to work." He's being so responsible! Another instance of this new responsibility was last night at the video store. He saw a video for seven dollars he really wanted, but if he bought it he would not have enough money to buy supper for us all, as he had previously said he would do. So he didn't buy the video. He turned to me and said, "It's not a need." I about fell out. I'm not used to seeing Michael deny himself of things he desires.
Money is real tight right now, and I haven't even told Mechanic how tight it is. Michael told me that I shouldn't because Mechanic's already under enough stress. But I don't feel right about not talking with him about the situation. We always talk about everything. I'm so confused... so I'm writing it in my journal. Now that I've written it out, I feel even more strongly that I should talk to Mechanic. It's not right to keep things from him.
Somehow half of my paycheck is already gone and there isn't enough left to pay the rent, much less the cell phone bill. Then there's laundry and groceries at the least. I know lots went towards fixing the car, though. I don't think we "blew it" all... but now I don't know what to do. I wish I could remember better what we did with the money but that doesn't really matter now. What's done is done and we just have to go forward from here.
Michael might be able to help on the rent in a week but it was due yesterday, well, actually Thursday. Still, I may be able to hold off until Monday or Tuesday and see if Mechanic gets his good news. If so, no worries. If not, we go to plan B.
That gives me some time to come up with a plan B.
So, that means for the weekend, I don't have to think about it cuz I've made a plan and I can stop worrying about it. Cool.
I feel quite weak although I am wide awake. Typing is not difficult, but the thought of going into the office like I really really really want to do seems to be out of the question. We have some cool movies to watch. I have great books to read. As long as Michael's at work and Mechanic's asleep, I can play on the computer. hehe
At the ER last night, the nurse told me that it's not surprising that I felt weak because my blood oxygen was so low, and probably had been for a couple days because of the symptoms I described. So I guess I need to be easy on myself and rest this weekend, as much as I yearn to get up and *do* something.
I won't be much good to anyone if I don't get any rest, right?
Do you see what I'm doing to myself? I'm trying to talk myself into being a good patient. LOL
Last night we watched "The Others" which is a rather slow but suspenseful movie. The guys were constantly trying to scare me. Michael got me good when I was coming out of the bathroom. I turned out the bathroom light before opening the door so as to not shed unwanted light into the living room. Of course my eyes weren't adjusted yet, though, and as soon as I opened the door Michael kinda jumped forward shouting something like "boo!"
I screamed for all I was worth. Michael just rolled laughing. I ran for the bed and snuggled as close to Mechanic as I could get. It was just this flight reaction, and seeking protection reaction. Mechanic put his arm around me, but he couldn't help but laugh, too. I was still frightened and hyperventilating even though I knew it was Michael and I knew I was safe... it just took a few minutes to calm down... and then I laughed, too.
After that movie we watched "Shallow Hal." My sister had highly recommended it. Mechanic had already seen it and told me there were a couple points in it that he was offended, and asked if I could identify them. Yep. The times when the furniture broke was rather offensive. That just doesn't happen all the time to anyone I've ever known. I suppose if you weighed more than 400-450 pounds it might be more likely, though.
It wasn't funny to the person it happened to, of course, but the other (skinny) people were all rolling. But as I sit here and think about it objectively, that is what happens in real life. If a fat person falls or something happens to them, skinny people laugh. Or they act disgusted at the fat person. This was pretty realistically protrayed.
(For any reader who does not know me in real life, I am a BBW [big beautiful woman], a person of size, or in other words, fat. So I know what I'm talking about.)
I can't remember ever seeing a movie that had so many fat people in it, which was kinda nice to see in a film. I was pleased that they protrayed fat people as being kind, doing good things, having interesting personalities... I just wish that fat people weren't protrayed as pigs when it came to eating. I did appreciate the comments about how stupid it was to count calories and that not everyone ate like that. I did not appreciate the cutting, sarcastic, and downright hateful comments that some people made - but again, this is realistic and actually DOES happen in real life.
In the end, I think overall the movie was realistic, and also ended up pointing out that fat people are still people inside. Hell, one of my biggest philosophies has always been that the outsides of us are just accessories. We're all the same inside. No difference. And I also like movies with happy endings. Life doesn't always have happy endings, so it's nice when the movies do.
Hmmm... I wonder if I'll have a happy ending. I'm sure trying to.
~Paisley Blue
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