August 18, 2002
The Adventures of Paisley
Blue
An extraordinary thing happened in the wee hours of this morning. To set it up let me tell you that Michael was gone almost all day yesterday and decided to stay the night out at his mother's house, and by late evening, Mechanic and I were settled down to watching one of our rented movies, A Beautiful Mind.
We were well into the movie, at least half an hour, when it was boring us both. It was very slow paced and did not make sense. Mechanic received a phone call from someone inviting him to go out, and he accepted. After he left, I continued to watch the movie.
If you have not yet seen A Beautiful Mind, this may be a bit of a spoiler for you but I have to talk about it. I started to understand more and more as the movie progressed, and it touched me in ways that I'm not sure it could touch most people... because my point of view of the subject matter is a bit more intimate than "normal" people.
The main character, John Nash, is a brilliant mathematician. Early in his career, though, he began suffering from schizophrenia but he didn't know it. Because of the way he worked and the lack of understanding of his work by his colleagues, his eccentric behavior was tolerated and his condition went undiagnosed longer than most people would have gone.
The movie follows his treatment in a psychiatric hospital with the methods that were available at that time. I tried to watch this from two points of view - that of a person who has never been committed, and of course, the point of view of someone who has been there. Treatment nowadays is more advanced but some of the experiences still ring true.
What I am about to write is almost frightening to me but I have to. If it scares people away from me, I can't help that, but I also know that my true friends will still be my true friends no matter what my past holds, and no matter what I live with or have been through.
John saw and heard and interacted with his delusionary friends for many years. Because of that, the process of learning to distinguish between reality and hallucination was very difficult and painful for him. I know that pain. I cried watching him go through the hospitalization and treatment. So many memories came flooding back to me. These are things I never talk about.
Watching how he struggled to overcome, adapt, and succeed in his life was so inspirational to me it could almost be described as an epiphany. The scene where he was awarded the Nobel Prize - and when I realized this was a true story - felt like such a triumph, not just for him but also for me because for the first time ever I felt like its possible for ME to overcome, adapt and succeed.
I cried again through that scene. I kept saying out loud "This is so beautiful. He did it." I can do it. I said to myself over and over, "I can do something this beautiful. I can make a difference. I can do something that will change the world, that will make it a better place."
No, I'm not developing some kind of superego. I'm not coming up with some kind of savior complex or anything like that. I am looking at myself and realizing that the talents I have, the experiences I've survived, and the unique points of view I have about life can be used in some way to help others. I can impact the world like John Nash did.
That doesn't necessarily mean I'm going to win a Nobel Prize, of course. But maybe I can do what lots of people dream of -- when I leave this life, perhaps there will be something left behind that will say "Paisley Blue was here." Perhaps people will remember me for something good. Maybe even something wonderful.
As the credits rolled and the music played, I started thinking, "What could that something good be? What can I do?" It all started to come together in my mind. The unique combination of events and experiences I have survived can be shared... How many times, as I underwent these things, did I feel like no one knew how I felt? How many times did I ask myself, why do I have to go through all this? I felt so alone.
Well, it only stands to reason that I am not the only person in the world to have gone through these things. There must be others out there who are asking the same questions, feeling the same pain, and wondering why they have to go through it. I'm not saying I have all the answers, but I feel like I do have some ideas and something to contribute... some comfort to give.
And how can I do that? What is the method I have at my disposal to make this difference? The answers to those questions are quite obvious to me. I have my art. I have my writing. I have my websites. Obviously the internet is going to continue to be an integral part of the future of communications. And this is where I feel at home. This is where my talents can all come together and be something good.
These ideas and thoughts make me feel like everything I've been through is all coming together. The skills I've learned and the talents I've honed can work together to achieve this goal. I feel so good about this...
In a way, it seems like fate that I was left alone to watch this movie for the first time. It was a deeply profound and moving experience for me. I don't know if it would have been the same if anyone else had watched it with me. I don't really have to worry about that, though. The important thing is that I had the experience. Immediately I knew I had to come to my journal and write it down, record it in my 'alter' memory so that when I forget, which nearly always happens, I'll be able to come back to it and remember and recapture these feelings and ideas and excitement and hope.
Sometimes when I talk with my mother I ask her if she thinks I have accomplished anything with my life. After all, I have not married and produced grandchildren. I have not graduated from college to become some big time executive (although I'm still young - you never know what can happen). But when I looked at my life, all I saw were a series of failed marriages and hardships and bad experiences.
She always reassured me that my life was not a waste. I have touched people with my life and my spirit, she said. Some things can't be learned in college. Some things you have to experience to learn. For some reason I have gone through a lot... sometimes it seems like a lot more than most people are asked to go through, she says. But there's always a reason, and one day I would learn what it is.
I think I know now. I can't wait to call her and tell her. I really want to show her but it will take time to make my ideas become reality. Still, she has been one of the best people in the world to me, supporting me even when everyone else questioned and agonized and gave up on me.
Some people who know me in real life right now, who were not with me when I went through a lot of these things, may read all this and wonder what the heck I'm talking about. It'll come out, though. I hope they will be understanding and accepting. But one of the things I have learned is that even if others don't understand, I know what I've been through and I know what I have to deal with and that's what matters.
And now, I have to get to work.
See "The Beautiful Mind" with Russell Crowe. It's a beautiful movie. If you have ever known anyone with schizophrenia, post traumatic stress disorder, or anyone who has ever been hospitalized in a mental hospital, it will be an enlightening journey for you.
I am so glad to be alive. It's one of those times when I truly feel the spirit behind the saying "Today is the first day of the rest of your life."
Have a great day!
~Paisley Blue
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