November 13, 2002
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The Adventures of Paisley
Blue
Sometimes things happen that remind me how blessed I am, despite all the things I've been through. Sometimes I stop and watch the rain fall from the sky, or watch how gracefully a bird moves while flying through the air, and I realize that there are little miracles around us each and every day.
And sometimes little miracles happen and they are actually big miracles... like the fact that I am pregnant.
I have wanted to write this in my journal for a few days but I also wanted to wait and hold it inside and hug it to my heart. There were so many mixed emotions inside me when I started suspecting. Part of me wanted to get tested and just find out once and for all. Part of me did not want to know, because there would be so many emotions and fears and life changes associated with it.
But when I found out for sure in this crazy little clinic downtown, after I turned down the 'morning after' abortion pill, I just sorta let the realization sink into me... just sorta looked at it from all angles and let myself feel a moment of joy at the idea of a small, itty bitty person trying to grow inside my body.
Then, on the way home, all the other things started flooding in... by rough count, this is at least my thirteenth pregnancy. I've lost exact count over the last two decades. I have never really found out why I keep miscarrying, and had basically given up on the idea of ever having children. But now that spark of hope has been lit again.
I know it's really early to know... but ever since the first time I was pregnant I always knew right away. In a way, that has been a blessing because I've never carried a child past the fifth week. Most of the time the only way I knew I had been pregnant were the signs my body told me. It's actually pretty rare for me to have it confirmed by a urine or blood test.
So this is a rare, miraculous time, because I absolutely know that I am pregnant... and I have the morning sickness... and the sensitive breasts... and the emotional fluctuations between joy and fear and everything in between.
Mechanic is the first person I told. I wanted to see the happiness in his face and I was not disappointed. Before, when I had been suspecting it, we talked about a great many things surrounding the issue of me having a child. So with the confirmation of my condition, he quickly reassured me and was happy with me... which is such a wonderful blessing in and of itself.
The last time I was pregnant was December 1999. CB and I were living in Las Vegas, and I lost the baby just days before my first scheduled doctor appointment. I was devastated, and he would hold me for hours, stroking my hair and whispering to me. I recovered quicker emotionally that time, I think because CB loved me through it. How excited he was at the idea that we were going to have a child... and just as quickly, it was gone.
Well, I'm not sharing this joy with the father... he's not around... but Mechanic has volunteered to be 'daddy.' I think its so sweet of him. There are times I sit and think about what it will be like if I am able to carry this child to term... the myriad of possibilities is mind-boggling.
Michael has shared in this happiness, too. He announced the other day that I was going to be pampered for the next nine months. Well, when the nurse at the clinic confirmed my pregnancy and we had talked about my history, she asked if it was possible for me to spend the next nine months lying down. No, I answered. So she advised me to not lift or carry anything, to rest as much as possible, to not go up stairs, etc. to give myself the best chance possible to bring my baby to term.
Sometimes its hard to remember all these things I'm not supposed to do. It's not hard to remember to not drink alcohol anymore... everyone around me remembers for me and won't let me near it. I love it that everyone cares so much.
I've told very very few people. Part of me is afraid of telling this early on, just in case... and Mechanic and Michael, each in his own way, have been saying all along that if its meant to be, it will be, and if not, thats okay too.
I'm 36 years old. I know that clock is ticking away. I also remember all the times I've been told dire things should I try to have a baby. But there's no way I would do anything to intentionally abort. This little baby has already defied enough odds to fill a classroom. I'm going to do everything I can to give it the best possible chance to continue surviving.
I looked up on the internet about babies at this stage. They are not even fetuses - they're embryos. At this point he is already attached to my uterus. He is just now growing his first brain cells. The embryo really consists of just two layers of cells - the inside and outside layers. He doesn't even resemble a human yet... but he's there... fighting to survive...
Funny how I already picture this child as a "him" and as a "survivor."
Mother Goddess, please let this be the one... let me have this one... let this child live...
~Paisley Blue
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