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November 15, 2002
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The Adventures of Paisley
Blue
Today began like any other Friday with the exception of that morning sickness that has followed me the last few weeks. I went to work early and left at the appropriate time to get to my regular appointment with Trixie. We had an interesting visit, talking about the new development in my life and the things that have to be thought about when a baby is on the way.
On my way back to work I was feeling some cramps and pressure, but I dismissed it as being the result of walking too much and once I returned to the office, sat at my desk and took it easy, I expected to feel better. However, I never made it to my desk.
Instead, I ended up on the third floor which was the closest floor to the lobby that had a women's room. There, I went through mind-numbing pain and I knew what was happening then... and I just tried to hold on and make it through. At least I made it there in time so that I didn't make too much of a mess. I did not care who heard me crying or who might have walked in and seen me going back and forth for cold, wet paper towels to clean up afterwards.
I could hardly stand up straight as I headed back down to the lobby. I leaned on the counter while I asked the receptionist to call me a cab. She got the building manager, a sweet Native American woman, to come and talk to me while she called the taxi.
They tried to talk me into allowing them to call 9-1-1 and getting me an ambulance but I refused. I knew that nothing could undo what had just happened and all I could focus on was getting home and getting into my own bed. I have gone through this enough times that I knew what to expect and what signs to look for that might indicate that I needed medical attention.
My first priority was comfort - for my body and my head. Not too long after I returned home, Mechanic and Blue showed up, and Opera apparently told them what happened. I had cried my heart out before their arrival and was just reaching the stage after a good cry where you just lie there and have a wet face.
Mechanic was there for me, though. He came over and sat on the bed next to me, and then hugged me and held me, just like I needed him to do. I would have liked to have had more, but maybe I was just being greedy and so I told myself it was enough. I wonder if my heartbreak was visible to everyone... I can only suppose it was. While they were there, Michael called, and I guess they told him the news.
Opera was telling me her advice and opinions, and it seemed poorly timed and somewhat insensitive to me. She thought I should go up to the hospital and have them operate on me right then and there. I'm sorry but the last thing I wanted was to have strange, cold hands poking and prodding me. If I continued bleeding past what I thought was an appropriate time, then I would go ahead and go... but for now I was having a normal reaction based on past experiences.
After resting a while, I took Mechanic and Michael up on their offer to meet on Capitol Hill for lunch. I knew I didn't want to be alone with Opera, even if it meant dragging myself out, in pain, walking around. That's a pretty harsh choice, if you think about it. But watching out for my mental health had suddenly become the first priority.
I knew I needed to be around people who cared about me, who I felt loved me and would help me stay sane. Opera's company is not conducive to my sanity under the best circumstances, and I didn't need her telling me what to do. So I spent the rest of the afternoon out, first eating a late lunch with everyone, then shopping with Mechanic and Blue.
I think Mechanic's idea was to keep my mind occupied and distracted so I didn't think too much about what had just happened... and it worked. I was even able to start smiling occasionally, and even laugh once in a while. They accomodated my slowness and we had a good afternoon.
After a brief rest, we went back out for the bar tour we had planned for Blue. I got a little joking that at least now I could drink alcohol, and if I wanted, I could get sh*t-faced, but I did not end up doing that. However, I did end up having a good time, although the bar stools at Club Blue were slippery and I had a hard time staying on them. *grin*
We went home really early for a Friday night - 10:30 p.m. - but that was okay with me. Mechanic and Blue have rented another room in the same building we live in, and we decided to move the VCR up there and watch a new movie that they had purchased. Michael did not choose to join us for whatever reason he had, and I ended up staying until about 1:30 in the morning.
So I made it through the day... I guess it's really the 16th now but whatever. I did the right thing in not telling very many people that I was preggers because now I have to go back to each of them and tell them I lost the child. For whatever reason, it wasn't meant to be.
I know... I was kinda getting my hopes up. But that's allowed... or at least, I am allowing myself... and being gentle with myself. I think that's the best thing I can do at this stage.
I know I will still get times when I am overwhelmed with the loss... but that's normal and natural and I am not going to beat myself up over this. Maybe one day I'll know why I keep losing my babies, and maybe one day I'll carry one to term. But I still feel overwhelmingly happy that I knew, even for just a few days, that a little life was trying to grow inside me...
It makes me feel that connection with the universe... that for just a few moments I was like the other women throughout history... part of that chain that links one generation to the next and keeps the race going. It also makes me feel a sense of wonder and completion... and maybe one day I can complete that cycle.
And if it doesn't happen and if I never do bring a child into the world, I know that will be okay, too. It was just cool to experience those feelings for a while.
On to the next adventure...
~Paisley Blue
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