The Adventures of Paisley
Blue
Well, this month is already flying by. So much has been happening and I just want to take a moment and record some of the highlights.
On December 5, I passed my Final Exam with an 83% and actually passed my very first college course. I am so excited!! Of course the second class is already in full swing and *gasp* it is harder than the first one.
Earlier today I accompanied Mechanic to his jumping off point for a brief vacation. I know I am going to miss him like crazy but he'll be back before Christmas. In the meantime I plan to use my evenings constructively. I want to try and get my house a little more organized, and I want to also work on my art. I hope to do some drawings, and perhaps even play with my watercolor pencils.
I have been reading a novel that is set in Seattle and full of little jokes and inuendos that only "Washingtonians" would get. I have to get the title and author to write it down in here because it's just so good... I have to find out whether this author has other books.
Michael has been up to his tricks, with little power plays and games. The difference now is that I can see them for what they are. Usually they just make me upset, and instead of holding it in, I stand up for myself and I let him know how I feel. He seems rather confused by this behavior. *wicked grin*
One other item of note: this weekend my mother called me and we talked briefly, less than half an hour. By the time I hung up, I was crying so hard you would have thought I'd lost my entire family in a tornado or something. She had pummeled me with words until I felt worthless. Opera was greatly shocked and upset that my mother would do this to me. Mechanic helped me recover, and said something that I thought was very profound:
"I think your mother feeds off of hurting you."
In my heart, I wonder if he isn't right. I mean, you would think she'd be happy for me to have come to the big city and found a career and friends, and to be standing on my own two feet. But that's not the way she sees it. She sees that her little girl is far from home, making what are, in her opinion, bad decisions. I'm not living my life the way she'd like to see me live it, and she doesn't give me credit for being smart enough or something to live it in a good way, even if its not her way.
Which leaves a niggling question in my brain about whether I am... whether I am doing a good job... but that's just my insecurity speaking. That's just the little brainwashed girl who is scared of not doing what her elders say.
The adult me knows that I am doing great. My blood sugars are slowly but steadily coming down now that I am on insulin, and I am starting to feel better. I forgot how tired it makes you feel when your diabetes is out of whack. I feel good knowing that I have had my job for so long, and I am getting better at it, and I am improving myself by taking college courses online. I feel good knowing that I have made it out here on my own... even though I am not living alone at the moment I know that I CAN if I need to... and I can enjoy it.
The movie "Sabrina" starring Harrison Ford still comes home to me. There's a line in the movie where she says something to the effect that you have to learn to be alone without being lonely. When I first saw that movie, I don't think I really understood that line. I do now.
One day I have to get that movie on tape, just like I had to get "Red Dawn." They are not just movies; they are important milestones on my personal journey.
~Paisley Blue
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