The Adventures of Paisley
Blue
The holidays have begun. Today was the Monday morning after the Longest Weekend of the Year. I was too busy relaxing to really spend any time online so here I am to share the dirt.
Mechanic took me to his father's house for Thanksgiving and it was one of the most special Turkey Days I've ever had. There were lots of people, lots of food, lots of laughter, and after the meal we played games. For Cranium, Mechanic and I were on a team together with another woman, and our team won the game. That was pretty cool.
Saturday we went out with an old friend of Mechanic's and this guy started making his moves on me. Of course, I found this somewhat flattering and altogether unexpected. Then I was flattered all the way to the bed... unfortunately he did not really live up to the promise that his flirting led me to believe in and, to make a short story shorter, about ten minutes later I was in the shower and he was calling a cab.
Okay, so I had four orgasms all within about five minutes... but a girl like me hopes for many more than that in a span of time at least 20-30 minutes long. So much for hope. I got something much longer lasting because he was either clumsy or stupid or both and wouldn't you know it, I got hurt again.
I won't go into all the gory details but it was a bloody mess. His calling the cab when I was still showering seemed to be the cherry on top when it came to his inconsideration. I don't really care whether I see him again, but if I ever do, I certainly won't end up in any type of intimate situation again.
I spent a great deal of time pondering things that night and all of yesterday. I spent the majority of Sunday in bed, reading, because even to sit up for very long at a time was painful. My day here at work, at a desk, has been an exercise in dysthymia (isn't that the one where you disconnect yourself from yourself in order to deal with the pain?). Even using the little girls room is painful beyond belief and a few times today I cried out before I could stop it from happening.
My thoughts run along the lines that I just really want to meet a man who will have consideration and thoughtfulness for my happiness and satisfaction and well-being... and I will not find that in the arms of a man who just wants to get his nut off. I'm not asking for the moon. I'm not holding out for marriage... although I don't rule that out one day in the far-off future. Hell, I'm not even free to contemplate that step.
The important thing is that I feel like I deserve more... and it really wasn't until I reached that point that anything was going to change, right? If I don't expect more of myself and of those I share myself with, why should anything be different? It all begins with me.
Now if I could just hold that in my memory long enough for it to do some good...
Because of the somewhat large and varied alcoholic beverages I had consumed, I vaguely remember telling something to Mechanic Saturday night as we lie in bed together. I remember telling him that I wished I could find someone like him...
*grin*
Today I pushed through the last two lessons of my first online college course. I now have a few days in which to study my notes and past quizzes, and prepare for the Final Exam. The quizzes have spoiled me a little, I think, because you can take them as often as you like. They only count the highest score.
The Final Exam can only be taken once, though, and that grade counts. It's not like we're really going to get graded for this course. It's more like you Complete it or you Don't. I have done every assignment and taken every quiz. I am proud of myself. I have learned a lot of new things, and I see ways that I can implement it in my work life.
I can't wait to begin the next course - which has already started - because I'll start learning more of the nuts and bolts of how things really work... how to implement the principles I have learned. This is exciting!
I remember last month that for a couple of weeks I had the strongest feeling that everything was about to change... and right now I know that I am in the middle of those changes. Things are changing in the living circumstances and the people around me. It's like we're all in the cupped hand of a universal manipulator and being shaken up. Soon we will be tossed back onto the playing board, and then we shall see where we end up.
If I can have any influence over where things end up, I will try my best to do so. However, change is a constant fact of life and I am doing my best to just roll along with things. I have to enjoy each moment - and each day - to its fullest, because there really is no telling what tomorrow will bring.
~Paisley Blue
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