December 24, 2002
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The Adventures of Paisley
Blue
Ho Ho Ho. Santa will be taking off from the North Pole any moment now... traveling around the world in his sleigh, and when he gets to Seattle there is some good news waiting for him. On the way to work this morning I saw a sign at a parking garage that said, "Sleigh Parking."
Well, you KNOW how hard it is to find parking in Seattle!
Today I have to wrap the gifts I bought for Mechanic, Michael and Opera. They are the only ones I bought anything for, and their gifts are all edible. That's all I will say on that matter - just in case they read this before they get their gifts. *giggle*
Yesterday I saw my family doctor. I am again overwhelmed by how nice she is, and by how concerned she is about me. She asked me questions not only about my health but also about my living arrangements, who was still around, who might have left. She asked after Mechanic, which I thought was very nice of her. She set me up with an appointment for the optometrist and the podiatrist, and was pleased with the progress I'm making on lowering my blood sugars.
When I got home from work last night I opened the door to the fifth floor room, and there were computer skeletons and guts scattered from the front door to the back wall. My first thought was "What an obstacle course! I'll have to be careful to not hurt myself."
I was not in any way upset about this because I knew Mechanic was working on a computer. I watched as he would take parts from one and put it in another, test it out, try something else. It's fascinating to me that he understands that stuff. However, from the time I got home he seemed upset at me, and when I asked about it, Mechanic said I was the one who came in all pissy and depressed.
I know when I hear those words that I'm not going to win. I was in pain from my moontime, I had a lot on my mind - everything from stuff at work to stuff at home to stuff regarding my family to figuring out other stuff - so I feel like at most I was preoccupied with thoughts that were not necessarily sunshiny and light... but I was not depressed.
However, by him saying that I was 'pissy and depressed' I tried to take a good hard look at myself to discover if perhaps I was really depressed and unhappy. I had lots of time last night to think about it, and to also work some other things out in my head. My final conclusion was that I am not depressed any more than usual. There are some factors that have not changed and I don't see how they can change, but I feel like they really must change or they will continue to be depressing. But seeing as how I cannot do anything right at this moment to change it, I have to accept it... and bing-bang-boom I'm not depressed over it. The situation still exists; it is still in my mind; but I am not "depressed" over it.
I was sad by the things Mechanic was saying to me throughout the evening, though, and by the tone of voice and manner that he was saying them. THAT hurt my feelings. However, I keep in mind that I have no idea what might have happened to him throughout the day that might have influenced his mood and his words... and he is probably also still in pain from his mouth.
Before bedtime I tried to apologize for anything I might have done to upset him but even that went badly so I gave up and went to sleep. I was mighty tired and sleep came quickly. I hope that whatever was wrong yesterday is better today when I see him in a couple hours.
Today I have been reminding myself that Mechanic and I have been living under the same roof for nearly a year. We have had our share of disagreements and words, but it has not severed our friendship. There's no need to be worried about that now. If we can't be our true selves with each other - whether that's ecstatic, blue, melancholy, giddy, etc. - who can we do that with? Know what I mean?
On the diabetes front, I am up to over 60 units of insulin at night. Today the nurse practitioner raised my dose to include 10 units in the morning. At night I am still in the climb, increasing my dose by 2 units every night until I wake up with the magic blood sugar of 140. A couple times I have been under 200 but I still have a little ways to go.
It's not easy poking myself with two needles every night. If I had syringes that held up to 100 units, I'd only have to use one needle. Anyway, now I have to add a third needle to the routine. There's things about this that I had no way to know... like how most of the time the needles don't really hurt, but sometimes they do hurt going in. Sometimes when I pull a needle out, the hole stings for 10-15 minutes. I have bruises all across my abdomen from the shots. I always bruised easily but my gosh.
I never thought I'd be able to give myself shots. Once again, you do what you gotta do to survive. Today I saw a man in a wheelchair who had both legs cut off right below the knee. It reminded me why I'm taking insulin, and why I'm trying so hard. It encouraged me to try harder. I can give myself those shots to prolong the horrible side effects from this disease. There's more I can do, and I'm going to do them.
Some people might be surprised to read that at work, when I have to go down one floor, I sometimes take the stairs rather than the elevator. I know that's not much but with all the pain my feet are in, it's a start. Sometimes I take the stairs between the fifth floor and third floor at home, too. It's not a 5-mile marathon... but it's a start.
Today at work people have asked me what plans I have for Christmas. To my friends, I tell about going to Mechanic's father's house today. But my short answer is, "Go to a movie." We won't be basting a turkey and worrying over stuffing and pies and rolls, like others will be all around the country. But hopefully we'll have laughter and love, and if we have that, we'll have all we need and then some.
Frohliche Weinachten! Feliz Navidad! Merry Christmas!
~Paisley Blue
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