December 25, 2002
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The Adventures of Paisley
Blue
Merry Merry Christmas.
Yesterday morning I was hopeful that things could go better, that a good night's sleep would improve everything. I didn't talk to Mechanic until I had been at work for a few hours, and everything was fine. We made arrangements to meet in the afternoon at the bar where Michael works. We would leave for the Christmas Eve supper from there.
So we went to his father and stepmother's home for the traditional dinner and games. There were not as many people there as at Thanksgiving but there were still quite a few people. The food was scrumptious, there were cocktails and goodies and lots of Christmas lights. I have to say that it felt good to be in that family atmosphere.
I just wish things had gone better overall. There were a couple incidents that upset Mechanic, and I have started to really see the things that he has been talking about all this time. My heart breaks for him over those things... over the disappointment and the pain. I see some of his family trying to reach out to him, and I see what appears to me to be him reaching out to them. I just hope no one loses faith in the process before achivement can be realized.
I was surprised when there turned out to be gifts under the tree for me! His father and stepmother gave me a glass candleholder with a pillar candle to go in it. It's just the kinda thing I love. I also realize that candles are an easy thing to give someone who you don't know much about. *chuckle* Another couple gave me a Ghiradelli's gift pack. They gave Mechanic a snowman teapot and cup. Actually, they gave everyone either one or the other of those two items. They are incredibly cute, though.
Mechanic's parents gave him - like they gave all the kids and grandkids - a mousepad. The mousepads for the others all had photos on them of the recipient, all except for Mechanic and his half-brother. His half-brother just recently returned from Marine boot camp, and I suppose they didn't have a photo of him. However, there should have been a photo somewhere of Mechanic... and instead he got a preprinted mousepad with a lighthouse on it.
He also learned last night that there had been a family reunion in July and he never received an invitation. These two things hurt him, and I hurt for him. I was speechless, though. I did not know what I could possibly do or say that could help... so I listened, and I was there for him.
There were lots of fun and funny moments, though. Every single time Mechanic smiled or laughed, it was like I was trying to take a snapshot of those moments in my head so I could collect them all and remember them all. He's so cute when he gets laughing real hard, when something really tickles him. More importantly, though, life has been such a struggle, and so serious, that it was great to see him enjoy himself.
So... this morning I woke up when Michael called to let us know that Christmas breakfast was ready. I had to go to the bathroom, and the very manner in which I got out of bed irritated Mechanic. My heart felt like shattering when I tried to stand up for myself and the morning kept deteriorating. He said he had gone to bed just two hours earlier, his head was splitting, and he was not going downstairs. I told him Merry Christmas and gave him his gift... and I went downstairs to the third floor room.
Michael, Opera and I exchanged gifts. We ate the scrambled eggs and sausage links that he had prepared. We drank the coffee that had been brewed. Then Michael left to go to his father's house for Christmas gift giving. Opera and I watched Christmas movies while I played Civilization III on the computer for a few hours.
Opera talked with me. I decided to go upstairs and see if Mechanic was awake yet, and if he felt like having company. As long as he still wants me to be his friend, I won't stop being his friend. I'll go to hell and back for someone I care about... and like Opera said, I just have to decide if its worth it. Mechanic is worth it.
Right now we're at Mama's house, and Mechanic is helping Mama put new brakes on his car. In the time between going upstairs until we arrived at Mama's house, Mechanic and I had time to talk... and I understand more now... and I know that he's not saying and doing these things out of hate or indifference. There's deep water running here... there's a lot going on in his mind and heart... but he's still the good man I always knew him to be. And so I know he's worth it.
In the car on the way over here, a couple of Christmas carols started playing on the radio, and he started singing along. If I'd known the words, I would have, too. LOL Just the same, I love to hear him sing so I was enjoying it quite a bit. However, with just that little bit of music, it seemed like things relaxed quite a bit... and I smiled because I felt warm inside.
I don't know what the rest of the day has in store for us, but I am hopeful and happy and full of love... and those are good things to feel on Christmas Day.
~Paisley Blue
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