February 13, 2003
The Adventures of Paisley
Blue
Today I called my sister and we talked for about two hours. We had the kind of conversation that we used to back in the day... when our minds were meeting and we were having good discussion. We avoided the topics that separate us... and I feel like I have my sister back, at least, as best as I will probably ever have her back.
Things about me that separate me from my family:
- I insist on thinking for myself.
- I refuse to make the same mistakes of past generations, i.e. staying in an unhealthy, unhappy marriage just because that's what you're supposed to do.
- My inactivity in the Mormon church. My basic disbelief in some aspects of Mormonism.
- My skepticism and disbelief that men have a God-given priesthood right to rule over women. Even if its supposed to be done in righteousness, I saw precious little of that in the first 25 years of my life.
- My belief system that I have chosen to label as witchcraft or paganism. (They are unaware of this one.)
- My inability to stay quiet when injustices are done, especially to family members and loved ones. In other words, I have a damn hard time turning the other cheek when others are getting hurt.
- My open-mindedness. I will entertain new thoughts, observe and try to understand different ways of thinking, and encourage this aberrant behavior in others.
- My passion in defending and exercising my rights, including free speech, freedom of religion, freedom to pursue happiness, and freedom to live my life free of oppression, guilt and shame.
- My tolerance for people who do not look like me, act like me, believe like me, or who have the audacity to just plain be different.
- My use of mood-altering substances such as alcohol, caffeine, nicotine, and hormones (okay, I'm talking about sex... tell me sex doesn't alter your mood!).
These are just off the top of my head. I have to remember them from time to time, though, to remind myself what's important... what I'm fighting for... because it always feels like a fight. I am constantly given little reminders by family members that I would be better off back in Arkansas... that I belong with my family...
There aren't any family feuds going on right now, as far as I know. Still, those times do happen on a somewhat regular basis, and I am often thrust into the role of mediator, peacemaker, and confidante. I don't want to be in the middle of their arguments. Often I think both sides are stupid and don't hesitate to tell them that. Their disagreements could be easily settled by exercising some patience, tolerance, and love.
Maybe it's because those are simple and easy that makes them so impossible. I don't know.
Today I was saddened because of the way myself and others were talked to... by one individual... One thing I learned a long time ago is that the thing that irritates you most about a person is the same thing that you cannot stand about yourself. Well, I'm sure there are exceptions, but I have found this to be true in many cases. Another maxim is that the thing that most attracts you to a person can also be the thing that rubs you the wrong way, irritates you and finally enrages you... it's a thin line between love and hate.
So whenever I become impatient, upset or irritable because of someone else's behavior, I have this painful twinge inside that reminds me that I am not perfect and, many times, it is a behavior that I do not like in myself. For example, if someone wakes up grumpy and begins snapping at people, I feel almost paralyzed to express my unhappiness with this behavior because I am all too aware that I have, in the past, waken up grumpy and snapped at people.
How can I say anything when I have done it myself? So... tell me... what does a person do when they are feeling this conflict? I can tell you what I do... I stomp down the reaction I have to the behavior, and instead, I feel sad. If I feel angry at being snapped at without cause, as far as I can see, then I do my level best to bury that anger so it won't be hurled at the grumpy puss.
I feel like I cannot allow myself to feel that anger because I do not deserve to feel that emotion, especially regarding this situation. On top of that, this person will not be grumpy forever and then things will be nice again. On top of that, I love this person, and what kind of friend am I being if I cannot forgive a moment of grumpiness? To err is human... to forgive is, oh, pretty darn cool... okay... divine.
Now that I think about it, this also applies to the judgements my family passes on me regarding my choices. I do try and enlighten them about some of the thinking that goes into my decisions, but for the most part I just keep it inside. I cannot change another human being... only myself.
So when someone asks me what is wrong... there is a complex answer for which I cannot even begin to find words. Trying to summarize it I may say, "I'm just sad" or "I'm just feeling depressed." That's the best way I can say it. However, the reaction I often get is "You've got no reason to be depressed." Even when I try to express myself, being judged that quickly shuts off the communication pipeline.
So I feel guilty, ashamed and angry at myself for feeling sad and depressed... and the original issue is never even remotely examined. So the problem builds and builds... whether it takes weeks or months or years... that anger is still being buried. But hey...
that's what THERAPY is for, right?
Well, I have made some progress today... just being able to find the words to explain a little about how I think and feel must be progress. Right?
~Paisley Blue
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