The Adventures of Paisley
Blue
Whatever it is that is wrong with me is infuriatingly stubborn. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting better and then it comes back with a fury. Sometimes the discomfort is bearable and sometimes its worse but most of the time I feel just plain weak. Its like I can gather enough strength to do something but its not sustainable. Afterwards I am more worn out than normal for the amount of energy exerted.
So while I have been taking it easy, at times I have spent the energy required to participate in certain activities. I do not know whether that is good or bad, but its part of my life philosophy. No matter what I have to deal with, I always want to feel like I'm alive... I always want to participate in my life, not have it just pass on by.
I went to the doctor alone today. I hate going alone. It just seems like every time I go alone they tell me something really bad. Seems like there's a range of possibilities of what could be wrong with me and some are more serious than others. To be safe, they're testing for a lot of them. The things they don't think are causing this are food poisoning or a simple virus, because I have been sick too long.
I don't feel like sharing all the things it could be, because in my mind, that gives those things power. None of them were pleasant, one of them is very serious, and some of them could require medication or even surgery. If untreated, one of them is fatal. I'm sure that's why they want to rule them out.
The lab took samples of just about everything you can imagine. Tomorrow morning I return for an ultrasound of my liver and gallbladder. Then... I wait. Later in the week I am to return to the doctor and see where we are, what we've learned... and go from there.
For now, I am not to return to work. The doctor wrote out a note saying that I am not to return before a week from today. I asked her why she thought it was necessary. The doc said that without knowing what was wrong, she still thinks my body is rather delicate right now. She was impressed with the fact that I am not showing any signs of dehydration. I jokingly told her that she should see how much Gatorade I've been drinking. Despite that, though, she said that working or anything stressful right now must be avoided.
After midnight tonight I cannot have any food or drink. I am taking advantage of the little time left to drink, because my medications make me thirsty. I have had ultrasounds in the past; I know what's involved so there's no fear there. I know they won't tell me anything right then. The best I can hope for is to be able to see the pictures while they're doing it. That's always interesting to me.
I need the support of my friends, family and loved ones right now. I just don't know how to ask for it. I don't know what to ask for. I feel silly even typing that. I've already gone through so much. I've already survived so much. I don't even know that anything is really wrong with me, apart from the fact that I've been sick. Maybe it's the not knowing...
I'm not saying I want anyone to go "Oh, poor Paisley..." No, not that at all!!! Maybe what I'm trying to say is I just want someone to say, "Hey, I know it's a little scary and things might get rough, but we're going to make it." Maybe what I'm wanting is someone to wrap their arms around me and just give me a long comforting hug.
Is that silly? I don't know. Maybe by writing this, I can come back and read it and feel like someone has said it... because I've said it to myself.
So one of the main things I've done to occupy my time is work on websites. I find that very relaxing. Of course, it's different when you're working on a website at work because there's all kinds of rules and guidelines and everyone has to approve or proofread or something. When you're working on your own website, though, it's a creative endeavor.
This evening I called my mother and told her what's going on in the Pacific Northwest. She updated me on the family news. I told her that today I received the package containing the custom-made jacket she'd had made for me. Absolutely no one in Seattle will have one like it - that's for sure! I like it, though. It's black with shiny metallic leaves and glittery trim. I told her that it might look good over a black dress.
I miss Lancelot. I'm really looking forward to his return. Mechanic is at work tonight, and Michael is here watching a movie with Opera. It's really a cozy domestic scene here at the moment. I find that very comforting.
~Paisley Blue
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