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  There was a time when I believed what I was told. Especially if the person was a close friend, or someone that appeared to be telling the truth. Anymore I find myself being suspect of anyone that claims to be telling the truth. Maybe it's the truth as they see it, but it's not the actual truth. I guess people get off on playing mind games and hurting other people's feelings. Or maybe these people just get off on lying to others. Either way, the end result can be a very painfull experience. I have two extra special friends in the medical field. Both of these friends are supportive of my decision to stay off the medication. Both of them are dedicated to helping people, but they also realize that throwing medicine at a problem isn't always the answer. They want my personal happiness to come first, as it should be. If there were such a thing as a cure for FMS (and there ISN'T) I'd be the first person taking it....trust me on this. I am not against medication, on the contrary. If my doctor helps me this week, it'll be by putting me on more medication. I'm just against taking something that isn't going to help my situation. Medicine's that are worse than the problem you take them for are no good. There is such a thing as the cure being worse than the cause. Although my memory is about shot, I remember vividly the affects of the last medication I took for FMS. When you are in the deepest pit of dispare, and you think there is only one way out of this pit, yes, medication can be beneficial. Medication alone isn't the answer though. You need the love, understanding and encouragement from those around you as well. Reducing your levels of stress are helpful if possible, but this isn't always an option. Sometimes you are in a position where you have little choice as to what your next step will be. I'm lucky to have 2 people who love and care about me unconditionally, if only the person who should be here for me was, then my life would be complete. There are so many times I feel totally alone. Especially when the 2 important people in my life aren't here. I want to talk to someone, I want to be understood, I want to be loved...but...at the same time I want to be left alone. I don't want to have to put on a happy face when in my heart I'm miserable. I recently met someone for dinner. The next day I was told how they had learned alot from me. I was stunned....what could someone learn from me I wondered. When I asked, I was told that they learned hope and to keep going. I sat here laughing uncontrolably. Their next line of text was how they had been so far down, they could only find one way left. By meeting me, they'd begun to think maybe there was another way out. I found this all utterly amusing because I have felt the exact same way they had just described. More and more I've just wanted to give up, give in, and take the way out that seems the best. It is amazing just how far I've come to taking that path....so many times lately. When I think back on it, it's been months that I've felt this way. All the way back to last year in fact. One person has been here, asking me, pleading with me, and even begging at some points not to take that path. It is for this person I remain. For it's this person who has cared enough about me to care what becomes of me. I don't know what tomorrow, or the day after will bring. As much as I'd like to be able to promise this person I won't take that path, I can't. I will never intentionally lie to someone I love and care for. I'm just hoping...no, not hoping...hoping isn't a strong enough word. I'm desperate to find the answer this week from my doctor. Something has got to change for me. Today was one of those rare days when I actually had things planned to do. With FMS your concentration levels are almost nonexistent. Just following through with a certain train of thought can be exhaustive. It's hard to find the perfect words to use in any given situation, and it's harder still when there are distractions. Part of me wanted to just unplug my ICQ, but the other part of me....the one who wants and needs human interaction....won out. I had the daunting task of going through all of my awards for the last 2 years. I'd wanted to clean them up a little and toss out awards that weren't current. This I found out, was going to be quite a job. Normally my friends are only around in the evenings. So my days home are spent trying to catch up on my mail, updating 5 websites, as well as helping friends with their websites. While I was knee deep in browsers (I had 5 open at one time) my ICQ was going nuts. I was trying to respond to 4 people at the same time as I was trying to work in 5 separate browsers, and in Paint Shop Pro. I quickly found out that this wan't going to work. I was going to have to make some choices as to what priority things would be done in. My priority was to respond to my friends. No, not people claiming to be my friends. The other people, the one's who are here for me on countless occasions. Once I had my messages down to a select few I was able to concentrate slightly better. It was then that I realized that the well wishes and concerns of other people towards me was more important than any website. After all, when all is said and done, it's these people that are important to me. I can always find time in the wee hours of the morning (when the pain is too unbearable to sleep) to work on my 5 websites. The other day my friend Dave sent me the loveliest poem. As I sat and read it tears came to my eyes. Now I can become very emotional at the drop of a hat, but poetry has rarely affected me like this poem did. Over the course of the last few days I've found myself drawn to this particular poem. Everytime I read it my eyes become misty. I can't thank him enough for thinking enough of me to send this to me. I'd like to print it here, just as a reminder of what true "friends" are. The old man turned to me and asked "How many friends have you?" Why 10 or 20 friends have I, And named off just a few ~ He rose quite slow with effort And sadly shook his head "A lucky child you are To have so many friends," he said, But think of what you're saying There is so much you do not know A friend is just not someone To whom you say "Hello" A friend's a tender shoulder On which to softly cry A well to pour your troubles down And raise your spirits high. A friend is a hand to pull you up From darkness and despair... When all your other "so called" friends Have helped to put you there. A true friend is an ally Who can't be moved or bought A voice to keep your name alive When others have forgot. But most of all a friend is a heart A strong and sturdy wall For from the hearts of friends There comes the greatest love of all!!! So think of what I've spoken For every word is true And answer once again my child How many friends have you?? And then he stood and faced me Awaiting my reply Softly I answered "If lucky....one have "I" "You!!!!" Thank you Dave, you are a treasure to me. When my doctor entered the room he began to ask how I was feeling. It was then I told him how bad I've been both physically and mentally. He sat and listened without interruption. He said that since my FMS causes a chemical imbalance in the brain, my depression wasn't unusual, and it could be treated. So after being off meds for 7 months I'm now back on them. I'd forgotten how potent they were, and how hard they hit me. I'd opted to take them at lunchtime, which in hindsight wasn't a real smart thing to do. About 3-4 hours after I'd taken the pill it hit me with its full intensity. First, the waves of nausea took over, then the feeling like I was drowning, and last, the inability to concentrate or function what so ever. The scary thing was I still had to drive 20 miles home yet. Luckily the temps here today were a cool 55 degrees. I drove with both the windows down just to remain awake. I was lucky when the man in front of me stopped suddenly, I didn't rear-end him, all I can say is thank god for anti-lock brakes! For the first time in a long time I actually feel like there may be some hope to my situation. If nothing else I've learned who the people are that love and care about me. I'm lucky to not only have them, but a doctor that is there for me when I need him the most. The one image that has stayed with me today has been his face when I told him how activly I'd been considering suicide. I also remember him saying to me..."Promise me you won't do anything stupid till you come back again in 3 weeks. If you don't promise me, I'll have to send you to someone else." I said that I'd already promised not to, he then said "I don't care who you promised, you promise ME"....I did. When I'm happy I want to share my happiness with others. When I'm miserable and depressed I want to be left alone. There are only three people I let inside when I'm depressed. The three special people that hold the secret key to my heart. I decided to phone my oldest brother this morning as I really needed to talk to him. Now that I feel like I'm on the road to recovery concerning my depression, I want to talk to my friends and family about it. I wanted to share these feelings with him. We probably talked for an hour, and as usual he kept me laughing non-stop. Of all of my siblings, I've always felt the closest to him. We seem to share so many interests, and it's nice to be in the position of teaching an older sibling a few things about the computer too. (lol) After we'd hung up I got back on the computer. As I was connecting to my IP Pres came in carrying a large box addressed to me. I knew exactly what this was as I've been expecting it. Pres had opened the sides for me so all I had to do was to tear a piece off the top to reveal the contents of the box. Inside was a beautiful card, along with three of the cutest stuffed animals I've ever seen. Two of them being Dalmatians, and one being "Valentino", my beanie baby bear. These were all gifts from my friend Don. He's probably one of the sweetest men I've ever known. Over the last few months he's become a large part of my life. If it weren't for his efforts I wouldn't be here today. I owe him more than I can ever repay. Thank you Don, for the wonderful gifts, for being here for me, and for making me see how much I have to live for. When I woke up this morning I put a call in to my Dr's nurse. She later returned my call and answered a few of my questions. I'm hoping by taking this medication at night, that I'll be able to function tomorrow. I have no idea what to expect, nor what I'll be able to do given I'm not already sick from the side effects. Once I hung up I attempted to finish off my mail. I'd received a letter from a man that had wanted to comment on not only my websites, but also give his opinion reguarding Soc. Sec. Disability. He was of the opinion that "his" money was going for the care of people on disability. He also stated that he hoped he didn't offend me, and then continued to do just that...offend me. It kind of reminded me of the thing that goes on in the south from time to time. You can call someone any number of nasty, hateful things, but, if you follow it up with "bless his soul"...then it's ok. The end result is the same, you've hurt someone's feelings. I am a big proponent of free speech. I feel that not only is it one of our rights as Americans, it's also our responcibility to be able to say and do what we want. But, I don't feel that free speech was meant to hurt individuals. When you willingly say something that you know will hurt another person's feelings, then you are in the wrong. I'm reminded of something my 2cnd grade teacher taught us once. "Before you say anything make sure it passes these three questions: 1. Is it true?, 2. Is it kind, 3. Is it necessary to be said?". Think how much nicer our world would be if we all asked ourselves those three questions before we opened our mouths, (or in this case, sit down and write off an e-mail). In the meantime I alternate from being able to complete a full sentance, to being so whacked out that I'm not sure what I'm doing. I've tried several times to work on my webpages over the last few days that I've not been visiting my Mom. Each time I attempt to do something I spend hours fixing my mistakes. I've learned that while I'm in these "whacked out" periods I'm best if I just stay away from the computer. I've also learned not to be driving. So I spend long hours being totally dead to the world. Although I must say, the last few days I've actually felt like I was begining to get a handle on this new medication. The strange thing is how happy I have felt on this medication. I'd be terribly upset if I thought I had to stop taking it. My mood swings are much better. I'm no longer unhappy and contemplating suicide. Nor are my nerves shot. A great example of that has been the last few days. We've been under non-stop tornado watches and warnings for days. The thunder storms and hail have been most impressive. Normally I'd be a complete basket case. Instead, when a storm has hit here at 2 in the morning I've thought to myself..."oh, a storm", then I've rolled over and actually slept! There comes a time in everyone's life when they feel that it's time to reevaluate their lives. I guess you could say that's what I've been doing lately. I've been listing the things that give me pleasure, and the things that don't. I've even swapped a few things around. Meaning, things that used to give me pleasure no longer do, and so forth. Tonight I've come to at least one decision. I've been working on my "Blue Ribbon" award for well over a year now. Almost 2 years actually. As of tonight I have 397 recipients of this award. Also as of tonight I've decided to suspend further applications after the 425th winner has been named. I'm hoping at some time, later in the future, to continue this award again. However, if I do decide to continue to accept applications, once I've rested of course, then it will be done by the rules. Those persons not following the rules will be exempt from this award. Now, it's not in me to be a bitch, but trust me, I can when the need arises. Lately I feel as though I have been taken advantage of by some of the people applying for this award. It's almost like de'javu all over again for me. Long ago, I started awarding websites. I gave up this practice after several nasty run ins with applicants. Now I'm giving up the Blue Ribbon...for awhile...because again I'm under more stress than I need at this time. I often wonder just how many people who visit my websites take the time to read my bio. Afterall, it's only one page. It may not be interesting reading to some, but what better way to understand me? I ask this question because I am constantly getting e-mail from the Blue Ribbon applicants that lead me to believe they never took the time to read up on me. Asking me such questions as..."do you have children?"..."where do you live?", ect. I guess what I'm trying to say here..probably not too well either...is that if these people had taken the time to read about me, they'd know that added stress is the last thing I need right now. On that happy note, I bid you all a good evening. The sad thing is that it doesn't take much for me to "over do it" anymore. There was a time when I could do so many things and do them in no time at all. Now, between fighting the ever present pain, and trying to remember things I should know, it seems that whatever I do would be considered "over doing it". Just getting up in the morning, getting a shower and getting dressed could be considered "over doing it". Thursday I return back to the doctor to discuss my FMS and my depression. I'm sure he will want to increase my dosage on this new medicine, and I'll probably let him. I've gotten adjusted to it, and I've even felt that it's not strong enough now. So probably increasing the dosage is a good idea. I know that it will still be several more weeks before this new medicine begins to affect my FMS. Usually it takes a good month in your system before you can hope to see any results. Today seems to be a down day for me. I guess it's just because I have too much time to think, and the fact that I'm not feeling well. When I think of all the things that need to be done in and around this house it makes me tired and depressed. Pres and I were talking the other day that our best decision would be to put this house up for sale and try to find something smaller. Whatever possessed us to buy a home with over 2200 sq. ft. for two people??? The sad fact is that the homes they are erecting today severely lack the quality we have in this home. Not to mention how much they cost. We've also spent the last 8 years fixing this house to be what we've always wanted. To leave it now would seem such a monumental waste of time. Our porch is finally finished, and it looks terrific. It never ceases to amaze me how good a job Pres does when he's motivated to work. Unfortunately, the rest of the house looks shabby in comparison to the new porch now. (lol) Maybe we'll luck out and the weather will be so nice from now on that we can just entertain any guests we have outdoors? Naw, guess not. | |||||||||||||
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