As Misty's World Turns


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Aug. 4, 2000

It's been a long time since I've written in here. So much has happened in the meantime. Most of it is only important to me, like spending cherished time with my nieces and nephews. Then there are the things that have happened, or continue to happen I should say, that bring me pain and continued stress. It reminds me of a saying I heard once.."the more things change, the more they remain the same." "Things" being the petty ante shit we all deal with day in, and day out. The stuff we really have no control over, and the things which drive us nuts.

The one "Thing" that has made me crazy has been my divorce. It's been like one of those thrillers you see at the movies. The evil villain has been shot, we all assume he's dead. Not so! He rises up just long enough to shoot the hero of the story. You say to yourself, "well, that's the end." Only to see the hero rise up from the ground, blood oozing out of him, and we watch him kill the evil villain.

I sure wish I had a machine gun at times, just so I could take care of the "evil Villain" that continues to stalk me. Two years ago last month my divorce process began. Two years and one month later, it's still not completed. Sure the house has been sold, and the money split. The savings & checking accounts have been closed, and the money split. The personal possessions have been split. I even have the final divorce decree from a judge, but it's still not over yet. Now comes the last final pain in the ass....splitting the retirement account at my ex husband's place of business.

This in itself has been interesting. People telling me to wait for a convenient time for them to split the money. Months and months spent waiting for the legal mumbo jumbo to begin, just so I can pray for it to end. Finally the day arrives! I begin to get the legal notices...something has finally begun. (I think Hell is freezing over right now!) At first my ex's lawyer screws up, and the process comes to a grinding halt. But once his screw up has been pointed out to him, the process starts all over again.

I begin to get letters from Michelin (my ex's place of worship, oops, I mean work.) The letters tell me that the end is finally near,(yeah right). All of a sudden I'm in shock. It occurs to me that this whole painful process is really coming to an end,(can this really be true??). NOT! This week I get another letter from the powers that be at Michelin. The letter says the money is there, it's all mine, all I have to do is open an account with them.

Um....wait a second, I think to myself. Why would I open an account there, when I have a whole team of financial advisors at Merril Lynch just waiting to go to work for me? So I call my contact at Michelin and say to her.."thanks so much, but I'd like to move this money technical term: roll it over) into my account at Merril Lynch". Her answer? "That's not possible." "excuse me????", I say. Let me get this straight, it's my money, awarded to me by a judge, but I'm not allowed to move this money unless my ex-husband turns 60 yrs old, or he leaves the company?????

All the time I'm on the phone I keep thinking to myself, I'm not falling for this load of crap. Thankfully I have a wonderful team at Merril Lynch working for me. I pick up the phone and tell them what's going on. Like me, they agree that this can't possibly be legal. One call from them to an attorney and I'm proven right. This isn't legal!

It's funny. For so many years I put myself down. I never thought I had the strength it took to take care of myself. I always felt I needed a man to fight my battles for me. I never believed in myself enough to go it alone. I knew when it came to my FMS I was a strong person. (Living 22 years with this type of illness isn't easy.) I knew when I watched my father die in the hospital that I was a strong person. But it wasn't until I began to divorce my husband, that I really knew what inner strength I possessed. I've proven to myself that I'm not a quitter. Now all I have to do is prove that to Michelin!

Aug. 13, 2000

Lately, I've been spending alot of my time in the pool. I find the warm water helps my FMS for short periods of time. Since it's way too painfull for me to actually swim, I spend most of my time either walking in the water, or hanging onto the air mattress and kicking my legs in place. Once my "exercises" have left me exhausted, I spend the rest of the day laying in my air mattress and working on my tan. In the 10 months I've lived in Florida, I've developed quite a tan.

This week however, all the work in the pool was a waste of time. I'd walked out to the car to go shopping, when I lost my balance and fell on the concrete driveway. My Mom came running over to see if I was ok. She held out her hand to help me up, but I knew I'd probably just end up pulling her down. It took me quite a while to get up, and when I did my knee was all scraped up and bleeding. My hip was already beginning to bruise also. I literally felt like I'd been hit by a truck. Now I'm right back to where I started out, unable to walk, and in horrible pain.

My dog seems to be in the same shape as me. Jack slipped and fell on the tile floor one night, as he was greeting my brother and his family. Yesterday I took him to the Vet to see what was wrong. The Vet indicated that Jack has arthritis in his right, rear hip. Because of the pain and the added stress put on his 10 yr old body, his colon is stressed, and he's passing blood in his stools. Not to mention dripping blood on the carpet, that gets me on my knees to clean up.

The Vet gave Jack a shot, and gave me some arthritis medicine to give him. Just over night I can see a big change in him. He's actually putting some weight on his leg, and he's more alert. The Vet said that he'd probably need an operation, but since Jack's life span was only another 2 years, he wouldn't recommend it. My oldest brother Mark, and his family, lost their dog this week. "Georgie" was 13 years old, and a basset/beagle mix. She was the sweetest dog, very laid back and loving. To see their grief and know there is nothing I can do to help, is hard. To know that I'll be experiencing the same thing in the near future is even worse.

Jack has always been more than just a dog to me. He's been my best friend, my constant companion for the last 10 years, and the little boy I could never have. I've already made the decision that I'll never have another pet. Not only is it too expensive for me, I'm also in no shape to raise a puppy and try to potty train them. I find myself spending more and more time with Jack than I ever did before. We spend many afternoons, huddled together on the bed. While I slowly pet him, he licks my feet. The only unconditional love I ever received has been from Jack.

Aug. 22, 2000

Jack and I seem to be bouncing back again. I think he's much better than I am, but then he's younger too. (lol) If we all live long enough, we end up watching people we love die. It seems like that topic has been on my mind alot lately. Maybe it's the loss of my brother's dog that has triggered it, or Jack's arthritis problems, I'm not sure. All I know is that I'm spending more time thinking about making a will. It's not that I really have much of any value. I'd just like to give my nieces and nephews something to remember me by I guess. They have, and will be, the closest I will ever get to having children of my own.

With hurricane Debbie coming this way, we've all been getting ready...just in case. My Mom and I shopped last week for all of our "hurricane necessities". Things like oil lamps, oil, batteries, bottled water, canned food, paper cups & plates, etc. At the time we went shopping there was nothing in sight. Now, a week later Debbie looms on the horizon. I talked to my sister-in-law in Melbourne this morning. She had just gotten back from hurricane shopping herself. The apartment complex they live in doesn't have hurricane shutters, so if the storm comes their way, they will have to go to a shelter. She had assured me that the car was all packed, just in case. I talked to my brother here in town tonight, and he'd been preparing tonight.

If it comes, this will be my first hurricane. I'm not sure why, but I'm not scared at all. It's funny, when I was married I was a basket case if a thunderstorm hit. Since I've lived in Florida I've gotten over my fear of storms. Of course it helps that Debbie isn't a major hurricane (yet), and that her projected path (as of tonight) will be far enough to my south not to effect me too much. I'm sure having storm shutters installed on the house helps my feeling of well being. Or maybe it's just the fact that I really don't care what happens to me anymore. Lately I've had this feeling of finality to my life. Not to be confused with depression, because I'm not depressed at all. I just feel like I'm ready, if it's my time.

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