As Misty's World Turns


1997 - 1998 - 1999 - 2000 - 2001 - 2002 - 2003 - 2004 - 2005 - 2006 - 2007 - Home - E-Mail

Next ->

Aug. 4, 1997

We arrived home from our long weekend vacation at about noon yesterday. I had no more than walked in the door when I jumped on the computer. Once I had gotten through the huge amount of mail I'd receieved I had tried to enter my journal entry. As I was viewing it before putting it on my page, I lost Netscape...and all that I had written. Since we were due at my Mom's for dinner, I had decided to just bag the whole idea and start out fresh today. With 3 1/2 hours of sleep, I'm not too sure how "Fresh" I am right now. : ) If I hadn't stayed up so late talking on the phone to Jausten last night I might have gotten a bit more sleep. But then, it's a good bet I wouldn't have gotten any more than an extra hour at the most. Either way, it was well worth it to me. I had missed her immensely. She is one of the few people that no matter what kind of mood I'm in when she calls me, I am always smiling and happy after we get together.

Now for the highlights of the vacation! : ) We had a wonderful time. The weather was absolutely perfect. Highs in the mid 80's with a nice breeze. Normally, when we go to the mountains we can count on at least one good day of rain, but there was never a cloud in the sky. We had left on Thursday morning, ariving at the lodge around 2 pm in the afternoon. Preston crashed as soon as we had gotten there, and I headed out onto the front porch of our cabin to do some reading.

One of the reasons we keep going back to the same place year after year, is to see the wonderful people who stay at the lodge. Each year the same people come at the same time, and over a 3 year period we have met and made quite a few friends. It's nice getting together again with these people, seeing their kids and their grandkids growing up like weeds. This year we had met an older couple that have been returning to the same lodge now for 15 years. Another reason we continue to return each year is the terrific view, the wonderfull meals (included in the room rate) and the fact that the Gem & Mineral show is held there each year. This year I made out like a bandit when it came to our jewelry purchases. : ) We had both decided to wait until we got to N.C. to buy and exchange our anniversary presents.

There are two different shows held each year, one held indoors and one held outdoors. On Friday morning we went to the indoor show. After wandering around for awhile we came across this beautiful ring. It was a Tourmaline gem stone, kind of melon color, carved into a heart shaped design flanked by Diamonds on each side. It was gorgeous! Once we had it out of the case, I knew I just had to get it, and Preston being the sweetheart that he is, said it was mine. (My anniversary present) On Saturday we went to the outdoor show. This is held in a field next to the fire department and is always referred to as the "Swamp", with good reason. Preston sure got a workout pushing me in my wheelchair for the next 6 hours. Half way through the show I saw another ring. It too was made of Tourmaline, but had been faceted instead of carved like the other one, and had gorgeous filigree work around the whole setting. After reminding Preston that my birthday was next month, and massive begging and pleading, I rode away with another ring.

Aug. 5, 1997

I think I was able to catch up on some much needed sleep last night. The last time I looked at the clock it said 2:45am. I woke up at 1pm this afternoon, so that gave me more sleep than I've had in months. How nice it is not to be woken up by the phone ringing or the dog waking me.

The last few days have been very stressful for me. Returning home from a vacation, however short, always messes me up. It takes me days to reprogram myself into my daily rut. One thing that has helped has been having my older brother and his family here visiting. On average, I only see my brothers once or twice a year. Tomorrow Jim and his family will be returning home to Pa., and I know I'm going to have a hard time not crying when I say goodbye to them. I keep wishing things were different, and I could watch my nieces and nephews grow up. Kids are small for such a brief time, and by being so far away, I'm missing most of it. How I wish they could move here, but I know they are getting a better education in Pa. than they would ever receive here in S.C.

Another thing that has been nagging at me is the disappearance of Jausten tomorrow. In a very brief time she has become my very best girlfriend. She is one of the few people that I feel I can talk to and open up with. She is always there for me, and never judges me. As much as I know how badly she needs a vacation, I'm still going to miss her. She has become an important part of my life. My day never seems complete without talking to her, either online, or on the phone.

Aug. 6, 1997

I'm not quite sure what to say tonight. I seem to be a little bummed out today. Probably because Jausten is now gone for a week of vacation, and my brother and his family left to go back home to Pa. today. There have been many times that I have regretted moving here to South Carolina. For the most part, the people aren't too friendly. The summers are unbearably hot and humid, and the winters are just cold enough that you seem to be trapped inside more days than I like. I guess this must be "bash S.C. night". (LOL) At least when we were living in Pa. I was able to see my nieces and nephews more than once a year.

Not being able to have any children of our own, my nieces and nephews have given me great deal of comfort. At one point I held onto the delusion that we might be able to adopt. But let's face it, they want healthy people, not people who need help getting dressed etc. Even when you are "healthy", it's a real struggle to find a child. Oh well enough of that for one night!

I spent most of the day painting Christmas presents. I have three done so far, with three more to go. I wish I could see Jausten's face when she opens hers....maybe Christmas in British Columbia would be fun. (LOL) I've already talked my husband into going to Vancouver next year on vacation to meet Jausten. He went to Vancouver Island earlier this summer on business. He came home with the most gorgeous pictures, and vowed to return on vacation sometime. So, now all we need to do is save up the air-fare.

Aug. 7, 1997

I was able to get about 5 hours of sleep last night, and that helped, but I find it did very little to make me feel any better. I have been in a "bad spell" now since January. No matter what I do, I still feel miserable. Secretly, I think my family members have gotten TOO used to seeing me this way. I find if my bad times are prolonged, like this one has been, my husband tends to forget I need a little more help than normal people.

Our clean clothes were pretty much depleted from being on vacation last weekend. Normally, Preston does the laundry for me, but for some reason he never offered this week. I had started the laundry last night thinking that he might offer to finish it up this morning for me, or at least drag it all back to the bedroom. I had told him last night that the clean clothes would be in the kitchen (our laundry area is in the kitchen). That was my way of HINTING it would be nice if he would put them away for me this morning. But, when I made it to the kitchen this morning I saw they were still sitting on the chair. It's a good thing he wasn't here to deal with my mood at that time! (LOL) I'm still finishing up the laundry today and I've already decided that there is no way I'm going to be able to drag the other clothes back to the bedroom. I've already made 2 trips just to hang up the clothes that wrinkle easy, mainly his work clothes.

One of the many things that has changed about me since I developed FM is my attitude about small, insignificant things. The way my house looks, whether or not the laundry gets done, etc. I have found the only way to deal with having FM is to limit the things I know bother me, and try not to put so much pressure on myself over stupid things. There was one time you could have literally eaten off my floors. I suppose you could still do that, although I wouldn't recommend it! : ) One of my dreams (other than a cure for FM) is to have someone clean my house for me. Whether it be for free, or to pay someone. Unfortunately, I'm unable to get disability...been out of work too long....and money always seems to be earmarked for more important things, like a new roof on the house, etc. I'm just not able to do my house justice anymore. The only time it gets cleaned is for a major holiday, and only because I feel I need to invite my Mother over to join us. I come from a LONG line of perfectionists. Growing up my Mom would REALLY do the "white glove" test after I had dusted for her. I can't ask her to come visit us when my house looks like it does now. I'd be too ashamed, so consequentially she is never invited over here

I remember once, in an online chat, a man asked me if he could fulfill my fantasy. I told him that was easy. Clean my house! :)

Aug. 8, 1997

I seem to have run the gamut of emotions today. Upon waking, I was extremely tired, wishing I could stay home and sleep in longer. But, I got up at 6 am, had my coffee and got my day started. I arivied at my Mom's house at 7:50 am (10 minutes early). We had decided to go To Commerce Ga. to go shopping today. Commerce is about an hour from Greenville, S.C. For some reason I have never made this trip without experiencing several severe anxiety attacks. I can always count on having an anxiety attack whenever I go someplace new, but there are some places that I've been to a million times, like Commerce, where I have one every time I go there. For some reason I have always felt the need to hide my attacks when I'm experiencing one. To my knowledge, there has only been one person who was able to tell I was having one. No, not my husband, a girlfriend of mine from days gone by.

Mercifully, we got to Commerce, did our shopping, and got home before I totally lost control. I was so relieved to cross the state line into S.C. If you've never experienced an anxiety attack, you have NO idea how miserable it can be. Since I've been on medication for them, my attacks have gone from 20-30 a day down to a managable 1-10 a day. Each time I have one they get worse and worse. Lately, when I have an attack my arm and/or shoulder will go completely numb. Sometimes my face goes numb. The chest pains are so bad that breathing is almost impossible. All the while your heart feels like it's going to beat out of your chest, and you know any second you're going to faint. The fact that my Mother has never learned to drive makes it even worse. I know if I have a very bad one where I lose consciousness, we'll never get home.

As usual, when I have had a very stressful day it just seems to hit me later. While Preston and I were sitting in Burger King it came. The feeling is hard to describe. It's like this HUGE feeling of utter fatigue encloses you. I was barely able to hold my head up I was so tired. When we got home, instead of getting online like I normally do, I decided to just lay on the couch with a book. After a few minutes the next sensation hit me. It's always the same, first the stress, then the utter fatigue, then the "brush burn" effect as I call it. That's the only way I can verbalize it. Every inch of your skin feels as though you have a brush burn covering your entire body. The feel of the softest fabric feels like tiny knives in your skin. Thankfully, the sensations usually leave as soon as they come, and after 3 hours I felt a little better. That's when I got online. (lol)

've been in a funk ever since Jausten left on vacation.So tonight as I opened my mail I was amazed that I had received 2 awards for my websites. Winning awards are always nice, but to win these two particular awards made me feel so good. The one woman, Linda, had been nominating people for my Blue Ribbon Award. She had said in her letter tonight, that she wanted me to know that she appreciated the work involved in giving this award, and thought I too deserved an award. It was nice to hear somone thank ME! I have always felt just seeing so many happy people was payment enough. The next award came out of nowhere. This woman had just come across my website and couldn't say enough nice things. I hear nice things on occasion, but they are usually followed by a request to do borders. (L0L) So, I have indeed run the full gamut of emotions today. I'm happy to say, the ones that are still with me now, are making me smile!

Aug. 9, 1997

It has taken me quite awhile to sit down and write this entry today. Mainly because my mood has been less than great, and I was hoping to cool down a bit before I wrote this. Guess again. It seems that won't be happening for awhile.

I am not a big fan of MSIE for a browser, and I'm RAPIDLY losing my respect for Netscape. Over a period of 5 months, we have had one problem after another with Netscape crashing. Today, I can't use the darned thing at all, which really bites, because one of my mail servers is through Netscape. It's working well enough to see my oldest brother has written to me, but not well enough to know WHAT he wrote. It won't let me in. I guess I'll have to find out the old fashioned way...call him long distance.

Another reason for my less than great mood is problems I've been having with a few of my "friends". You know who they are...they're the people that you listen to, help them with their problems, then when YOU need someone, they are long gone. My best friend (Jausten) is on a much needed vacation, so I have had to turn to some of my other "friends". Over the last week, things have been rougher than usual for me, and I've really needed someone to talk them over with. Of all of the people I had considered friends, the only person that has been there for me recently is a woman that I don't even know! She came across my site, and jotted me a lovely letter. We have been corresponding like crazy, and she has helped me more than I ever thought possible. Jeannie, if you read this entry, I want to thank you for your friendship!

I remember reading once that in most relationships there is one person that loves/cares more than the other person. Other than my marriage, this is so true. I have two friends that I DON'T feel this way with, namely Dave C. and Jausten. The rest of myfriends I feel as though I'm the one that is doing all the work making the relationship work. I often wonder if it's worth it. I realize more than anyone that life is hard, and that you just don't have the time to do all the things you want and need to do. All I'm saying is that if you are truely friends with someone, you'll find the time. I sure do! I don't take my friendships lightly, probably because I sincerely care about people in general, and my friends always get top billing. There, now that I have that off my chest I feel a little better....sorry for the ranting.

Aug. 10, 1997

Well, as expected, I received a few e-mails from the "friend" I spoke of yesterday. If only he had put this much effort into being there for me, instead of slamming me, it might have worked after all. I have done alot of soul searching, and I don't feel that I was at fault, so therefore, I find it difficult to "Apologize" as I was instructed to do. It ishard to consistanly give and give to someone, and not have them not be there for me when I need them. I don't ask more than I expect from myself. Maybe my problem is expecting more than is reasonable to other people. I'm truely sorry he has chosen to behave in this manner.

Aug. 11, 1997

I spent 2 hours in the car this morning, waiting for my Mom to have her bi-monthly nail appointent finished. Thankfully, I have found an author I enjoy reading. I was able to finish one of her books, and get through a few chapters of her next book while I waited. The only real problem was not being able to move 2 hours later when I finally got out of the car to go to lunch. Thank god for my whelelchair. As much as I fought my Doctor when he insisted I get it, I'm so glad I finally got one. Now I just wish I had done it 19 yrs. ago!

I've had my chair for just about a year now. I've had all sorts of reactions in the time I've been in it. People openly staring and pointing at me...which I HATE! Other times, when I've been in my chair I've had salepeople treat me as if I were a vegetable...just because I'm in a wheelchair. Not to mention the remarks..."oh, I'm sorry you are in a wheelchair". I'm not! I have always felt my life began once I got it. Before I got my chair, my life consisted of either laying on the couch, or laying in bed looking at the cobwebs on the ceiling...lol Day after day, the same thing.

For the last several years I have been unable to move more than a foot or two. My life was far from complete. Now, with my chair, I can maneuver around the house, go to the store...by myself! (What a concept!) For the first time in years, I feel like anyone else.....just shorter in my chair...LOL

Aug. 12, 1997

My friend Jausten got home last night from her much needed vacation. It was SO great getting her ICQ message that she was home! I had really missed her! We ended up getting right on the telephone. I called her, and after 2 hours of long distance (I'm in S.C., she's in Canada), she called me. We were on the phone for another 2 hours. With most people, if I had talked to them for 4 hours I'd be wondering what else to talk about. With Jausten, I was wondering if we had enough time to talk about MORE things. (lol)

After getting to bed at 4 am this morning, I slept till 1 pm this afternoon. I began to do some work on my webpages, as well as try to answer some mail. We have been having difficulties getting into Netscape to read our mail. I was kind of sorry when I finally got Netscape working and was able to read my mail. I had received some disturbing mail from a friend, but I suppose that was to be expected. I did get a nice letter from another girlfriend of mine, and that helped to put me in a better mood.

I also checked out another chat area for people with FMS, and had a really good time. Everyone there seemed to be nice and in the short time I was there, I heard very little "whining". I'm anxious to go back in there later, when my friend Jeannie is there. Well, my stud is home from work, so I had better drag myself outside and put the hotdogs on! Don't ya just love gourmet meals?! (lol)

Aug. 14, 1997

I'm not sure what to say today. I want to write about how miserable I feel, but I hate to sound like a "whiner". Although every day I continue to get worse and worse. It seems as though every part of my body is either in pain, or is sore to the touch. To make matters worse, I think I'm getting a cold/sinus infection. I felt so miserable yesterday that writing in my journal seemed to take too much energy. I don't feel any better today, but I figured if nothing else, at least it might help to take my mind of how rotten I feel.

Most of the time I feel that I'm at the end of my rope. Being off my FMS medication has been good and bad for me. My husband, and my Doctor have been very suportive and understanding, as have been some of my friends. My family is another story. Especially my Mom. Lately, she has been on me about my decision to quit the meds. She thinks I should go back on them. I don't. It's bad enough to be stuck in bed, or in horrible pain all day, every day, without also suffering the miserable side effects that go along with most of the medications used for FMS.

The good I've gotten from being off the meds is that I'm no longer in the bathroom being sick all day, every day. Nor are my migraines as frequent as they were. I've also noticed that my memory is a little better. I have also lost 25 of the 75 pounds I gained while on 8 years of medication. I'm hoping to loose another 25 lbs., we'll see. The bad part of being off the meds is that the pain is much worse. I'm sleeping even less than MY normal. On a good night I average 3 hours of sleep. If it wasn't for the constant pain, I'd sleep round the clock. On that note, I' think I'll go back to bed.

Aug. 15, 1997

As I sit here tonight, the words from a song keep pounding in my brain..."what a long strange trip it's been". As usual, I have no recollection as to who sings that. There was a time when I remembered all of the bands, and songs that I loved. But ever since the FMS has gotten a hold of me, my mind seems to be in a constant state of mush. Lately, I've gotten to the point where I don't even try to remember things. I know that no matter how hard I try, it will never "come to me". I only end up more frustrated than ever.

I can remember my childhood from the age of 5 to the present, but nothing, or very little, before the age of five. I can still remember meeting my husband (Preston) for the first time. I can also remember the night he proposed to me. Although I can't remember the names of some of the places we visited on our honeymoon. I can't even remember the exact date we went out for the first time. I used to know it. I used to know alot of things.

Preston used to refer to me as the "human tape recorder". (LOL) We would be having a conversation, and I would either be knitting or working on my embroidery. (hobbies I can no longer do) He would claim that I wasn't listening to him, and I would repeat word for word, everything he had just said. Today, my consentration levels are so bad, that I have to repeat the words to myself as he is talking to me. That seems to be the only way it actually sinks in somewhere. My Mom and I will leave her house for a day of "shopping". She will tell me when we get in the car where she wants to go. I have to constantly repeat the words...bank...bank...to myself so that I won't drive right on past the bank. After she's done her banking, I then I have to repeat the words to the next place she wants to go.

There have been times when I've gone to visit a friend, and I have no idea where I was at. The first time this happened to me I was scared shitless. I had been to my friend's house a million times. All of a sudden I looked around me and I had no idea where I was...or where I was going. I pulled off the road and sat there for a few minutes until it came to me where I had been going. I'm not sure what is worse. Not remembering things we all take for granted, or trying to cover up so no one will notice you're not in control anymore. "What a long strange trip it's been."

Aug. 16, 1997

I must have song lyrics on the brain. (lol) Yesterday it seemed to be the lyrics.."What a long strange trip it's been". Today, it seems to be.."The long and winding road". (lol) I'm not sure why I'm all of a sudden having song lyrics popping into my brain. Since I've become a computer junkie, I rarely listen to music. The only time I hear songs, they are in midi format.

It's 11 pm and I'm trying to chill out from a LONG and stressful day with my Mother. Don't get me wrong, I love my Mom dearly. It's just that lately, she has begun to drive me stark raving nuts. She has been widowed for 11 years now, and is all alone here. Unfortunately she lives in a neighborhood where none of her neighbors will talk to her. She and I are refered to as "Damn Yankees". (Yankees being notherners that visit but go home, and "Damn Yankees" being northerners that STAY!) You see, we are not FROM South Carolina. (LOL) And still that song plays on in my head..."the long and winding road".

Aug. 17, 1997

Today my thoughts are with my eldest nephew Brian. Today is his 19th birthday. As with most families, my family is spread all over the east coast. Brian and his Mom and Dad (whom is my eldest brother) reside in Florida. I had gotten an e-mail from my brother the other night saying they were going to take Brian to Orlando. Apparently there is a race track there, and they'd hoped to take him there to see them race, and possibly get to sit in a REAL race car. Brian suffers from Cerebral Palsy. Unlike most 19 year olds, he will never learn to drive a car. He doesn't seem to mind. He has several model cars and trucks that he collects, and is never without one of his vehicles. He is the most loving child I have ever met, and one of the most outgoing kids I've ever seen. He is intersted in anything mechanical, and has a real love for building and construction work. He is probably one of the most knowledgeable kids on the topic of home construction that I've ever seen. I think there are few episodes of "This Old House" that Brian has never seen. You can ask him anything about remodeling and the boy knows his stuff! =)

His compasion for other people is remarkable. He goes to a special school for childred with disabilities. Out of the other members of his class he is considered one of the least disabled, and helps many of the other kids in class. When he comes to visit us he is my "wheelchair pusher". It's a real treat for me to have him help me. Most of the time I'm not able to push myself very far, or up inclines, and with Brian's help, we go all over. He is also an excellent "driver", unlike my Mom, who tends to run into people from behind when she's pushing me. (LOL) I hope he's having a great birthday weekend.

Aug. 18, 1997

This is indeed the day from hell! I am SURE of it! As far as I'm concerned Mondays stink...all Mondays...every Monday. There just aren't enough days in the weekend to prepare me for Mondays. It seems like Mondays creep up on you from out of nowhere.Why the hatred of mondays you ask? How long can you sit here and read this? =)

Now that I have that all out of my system I can get on with today's entry. =) I woke up, as usual for a MONDAY, at 5:45 am. Rolled over, hit the "snooze", and went back to sleep. Pres came in about 10 minutes later and woke me up again. After awhile, I made it to the kitchen and got my coffee started. Once I had my coffee, I sat in my recliner and mentally outlined my day. I had promised my Mom weeks ago that I would cut and Perm her hair for her. I have beenpostponing it almost daily. It is almost impossible for me to use my arms for any length of time. Standing in one place for more than a few minutes is shear agony for me. I wish I could get her to GO to someone else to get her hair done. She really makes no sense. One day she acts concerned that physically, I am getting worse and worse. Then the next words out of her mouth are "when can you do my hair?" She was also a hairdresser at one time, and knows how hard the work is, yet she doesn't seem to realize my hairdressing career has been over for the last ten years!

Needless to say, she did get her cut and perm. I also got "spruced" up a bit. Now I look at LEAST 5 years younger! If I squint, that is. (lol) I got a much needed color and cut. That should hold me for a few weeks. Once we got done playing beauty parlor, we went back to working on our Christmas presents. At this point in time, I have only one thing more to make and my presents, except for the nieces and nephews, will be done. Next on our agenda will be making Christmas cards.

When I got home, Preston informed me we were having "company" tomorrow night. We are in desperate need of a new roof, and we've decided to go ahead and have what isn't brick, sided as well. Pres has a man coming tomorrow night to give us an estimate. For most people this would be no big deal, but you see, our house hasn't been cleaned since the last major holiday. Now, let me see...which one WAS that? Oh yeah, it was Mother's Day! I'm not able to clean this house as often as it should be done, and Pres won't let me hire someone to do it, so it just doesn't get done. Tonight, the two of us started in. I dusted and did the toilets, (UGgg) while Pres ran the cleaner. Within 3 hours we had this place ship shape. Unfortunately, it took me almost ten minutes to make it to the rear of our house to get to the computer. Now that I'm here, I plan on settling in for the night. If we can just hold out until Thanksgiving, (the NEXT major holiday) we'll have it made! =)

Aug. 19, 1997

With all the cleaning I did last night, it seems that every muscle in my body is in pain. It does seem SO nice to have my house looking normal again. If it would just stay this way.

I stayed up way longer than I should have last night, (gettingto bed at 4 am this morning). Jausten and I got together in a new chat room for FM sufferers. This was only the second time we had actually "chatted" online. Most of our conversations are in e-mail form, or on the telephone. I had a great time and hated to go to bed. If someone would have told me a year ago, before we had gotten online, that I would have so many women friends I would have called them a liar. =) Normally, I've always been attracted to men as friends.

In the last few weeks I have met some REALLY wonderful women, and it has restored my faith in female friendships. Most of these women suffer from either FMS or CFS, or in some cases, both. Before we had bought this last computer, I'd never met anyone else with either of these diseases. It has been a huge source of comfort for me, to be able to talk openly about the effects FMS has on me to someone that truely understands. As I was sitting here having my coffee this morning I realized that I need to do so revamping on my "Friends" page. I want the people who have been here for me to realize how very much I value their time, caring, and friendship. So, to Jausten, Othelo, Sam, Gingko, Jeannie, Gossamer, Thank You! For everything!

Aug. 20, 1997

Well, here it is Wednesday already. This week has seemed to go at a snails pace for me. Today was my day to visit my Mom. I had arrived at her house at 8 am, we played cards for awhile,then I took her to her nail apointment. Normally while she is getting her nails done I'll wander around the mall in my wheelchair and do some shopping, or just sit near the fountains and read. Today I was on a mission. =) I was in search for the perfect pair of jeans. I suppose to most people it would seem silly to call that a "mission". But for someone like me, who hasn't OWNED a pair of jeans in over 8 yrs. it WAS a mission! The last 8 years I'd been on medication, I had gained over 75 pounds. Wearing jeans was not only uncomfortable for me, but I also looked like the broad side of a barn in them. (lol) I began wearing pants with elastic waists for comfort. Although I still take 3 pills a day for my non-stop panic attacks, I have discontinued all the medication for my FM. At this point I have lost a little over 25 lbs (with 25 more to go to reach my goal). Over the last few months several of my family members, including my husband, have been on me about ditching my leggings and buying a pair of jeans. Thus my shopping trip today.

I wish I could say this story had a happy ending. (lol) I tried on SEVERAL pairs of jeans over a period of an hour. I guess I'm just too set in my ways. The only jeans I could find today were the new style, you know, the ones that have the wide legs all the way to the cuff. I kept thinking all the time I was put on these loose, formless, baggy pants, why did I bother to lose the weight only to cover my bod with something that doesn't fit? =) I know that's NOT what Preston had in mind when he suggested I buy some jeans. His taste in jeans are the same as mine, the tighter the better. (lol)

Aug. 21, 1997

This has been one VERY frustrating day! I have been asked to be a host for the FM channel on mIRC. As I was going in there to chat today, I was unable to get a connection. I tried everything I could think of, but nothing seemed to work. I'd had this problem last night, but thought it would clear it's self up the next time I tried to log on. WRONG!

As I was sitting here, fuming and swearing at the computer, I noticed one of my computer *expert* buddies (Harry) was online. I called him up in ICQ and said hello. He called back and asked how I was. (lol) Not a wise thing to do!I told him I was frustrated, when he asked about what I unloaded my troubles on him. Before long my telephone was ringing. I answered, and there he was! He helped me, calmed me down, and pretty much led me by the hand through SEVERAL attempts at fixing my problem. Our final solution was to re-install mIRC all over again. It took a few more attempts before I got it to install properly, but at least NOW I can get back into IRC. It's friends like Harry, Jausten, and many, MANY more that have made my life SO much better. Although you do come upon these people from time to time that "claim" to be your friends, it's true friends like these that make life worth living. I've been doing alot of thinking here lately about my friends, and the good fortune I've had meeting so many nice people online. Along with the misfortune of some that I've met also.

Last night I had such a great time talking to two of my *buddies*, Jausten and Ouch. Ouch and I are very close in proximity to each other and Jausten is CLEAR out in British Columbia, Canada. We were trying to talk her into moving out here near us. I can't honestly imagine what the three of us together would be like, it's just too scary to contemplate. (lol) I do know I would definitely be in heaven! :)

Aug. 22, 1997

Last night proved to be as frustrating as my day had been. Since reinstalling mIRC I'd found that all the programming I had done the previous night had been erased. This meant that in order to be a host in the FM chat room, I had to redo all the programming I'd done the night before. Normally this wouldn't have bothered me too much, but Jausten and another friend Ouch, had come in to see me. I felt bad that I wasn't able to spend the time with them I'd have liked to. I just hope they understood.

After getting to bed at 1:30 am, and being woken by the alarm at 5:45 am, I really hadn't expected today would be much fun. I was happy to be proved wrong. I had taken my Mom to see her accountant early this morning. After we'd finished there I suggested we take a ride up to the mountains and have lunch. We are less than 40 minutes from the mountains, and only 45 minutes from a quaint little country craft place. Neither of us are into country crafts, but we do enjoy the little sandwich shop they have there. They also have an organist that plays on the "porch". She really isn't all that great, but I love to hear organ music, and she IS funny to watch! : )

Aug. 23, 1997

If you asked Preston (my husband), what I've done today, he'd probably tell I spent the whole day on the telephone. (lol) To be honest, that's precisely what I've done today. I called my Mom when I woke up to let her know I was okay. After I called her, I decided to get online and check my mail. I'd gotten a letter from my oldest brother Mark and figured I'd call him in Florida, rather than write him back. We talked for about 45 minutes, rather short for us. Then I got back online and did some additions to my webpages. After a little while I'd gotten a message from Jausten. When I tried writing back to her, ICQ said she was not online, although she appeared to be online. Being in the mood to talk to her rather than message back and forth, I again picked up the phone and called her. Preston walked in the computer room not long after I'd dialed her. He smiled when he saw me on the phone yet again. This time he knew exactly who I was talking to without asking first. : )

Jausten and I had talked for about 2 hours, when I told her I'd better be off the phone when Preston returned from the hardware store. Since neither of us REALLY wanted to hang up for the day, she called me right back. I was still on the phone with her (3 1/2 hrs. later) when Preston got home. At that point I had left the computer room and had wandered out onto the porch to chat. He came out on the porch, looked at his watch, and smiled some more. I explained to him that I hadn't been using OUR money all this time talking, that she had called me back. :)

I suppose most husband's would give their wife alot of grief at this point, but Preston being the sweetheart that he is, just walked away to let me finish my conversation. He's talked to Jausten once or twice when we've been on the phone, and likes her as well. He also knows how important our relationship is, and is happy that I have someone that I consider to be special.All in all, I'd have to say that today was one of the nicest Saturdays I've spent. I didn't have to worry about doing a thing. I could just sit and relax, and do what I enjoy doing best, talking to Jausten.

Aug. 25, 1997

Since Geocities was down for the count yesterday, I was unable to get in here to write my journal. It's probably just as well, it was a boring day. :)

I would like to take this time to wish Ginkgo & Kepper all the happiness in the world! Gingko is a good friend that I've met online. She and Kepper got married this last Saturday. Young love...isn't it wonderful?! :)

Ok, so what have I done today? THAT, is a good question. Well, as normal I visited my Mom, today being one of my designated days. Nothing really earth shattering. We seem to do the usual things. We went to a clothing store and did some shopping. For my loyal readers out there, I think you might remember an entry I made a few days ago about being on a misson for jeans? Well, I'm still on it! (LOL) Today I bought a pair of Gloria Vanderbuilt jeans. They looked good in the store, and since this store didn't have a fitting room I had to try them on at home. Now I know why there wasn't a fitting room! Had I been able to try them on in the store, I would have never bought them. As it was, I waitied until Preston came home and modeled them for him. Once I got them buttoned and zipped, (this involved ALOT of sucking in of the gut), I found that I could hardly move! (LOL) Preston didn't seem as concerned about that as I was. My "comfort" test for pants has always been how easy they are to sit in. With these jeans? FORGET IT!

I stood there, with my gut hanging over the top of the jeans, and said "honey, I don't think these look very good, do you?". He got this wicked smile on his face and said, "They look NICE from here". "From here", meaning from the back. : ) Once I wriggled back out of them I felt an immense relief. The worst part of the fit wasn't how tight they fit through the waste, but that they were BAGGY everywhere else. Excuse me? I did NOT lose 25 lbs. to be HIDDEN in a pair of baggy jeans! I put my leggings back on and said to Preston, "You can't tell me these tight leggings don't look better than those baggy jeans". He said they looked better that the jeans from the knees down, but not through the butt. (Typical male response) :) I told him until I lose the OTHER 25 lbs., he won't have to worry about seeing my butt.

At this point, I do NOT want to accentuate my waste. Until I've gotten down to my goal weight, (I'm not telling), I'm going to continue to wear my shirts over my LARGE butt. I told Preston that once I've lost the weight, I'll tuck my shirts in again, then he'll get to view my ass all he wants! That seemed to please him. :)

Aug. 26, 1997

It's amazing how fast the day goes when you don't wake up until 1:30 in the afternoon. : ) As usual, I was up too late on the computer, (I fell into bed at 4am this morning). It is now 6:36pm. This is the time of day I like best. My dinner has been made and eaten. The dishes are all done, and now I can sit and relax for the rest of the evening.

Last night a friend asked me to help him get his new webpage submited to the search engines. I'd given him the addresses he needed, but being completely new to it all, he was very lost. He wrote and said he had no idea what to do. If I like someone, and I've been treated well by them, I will walk on water for that person. Bob has been very good to me, so I offered to get his page submited to all of the search engines. I was also trying to be a host in #Fibromyalgia at the same time. As I was working, another friend of mine, Ouch, called me on ICQ to ask what I was doing. It wasn't until I responded to her that I realized just what all I WAS doing! I told her I wasmaking a banner, working on Bob's webpage for him, adding his name to search engines, getting him signed up with Link Exchange, and hosting in #Fibromyalgia, not to mention talking to her. :)

She responded with something like...WOW. : ) I will be the first person to admit, I AM AN ADDICT! I've always been the type of person that whatever I do, I do it with a vengance. I am also a perfectionist. What a horrible combination huh? (LOL) Normally, I tire of what I'm doing before too long. Being online seems to be my exception. Probably because there are SO many things to do out here. Once you tire of one thing, there seems to be something else to turn to next. I also find that if I can keep covered up with things to do, it helps to take my mind off how miserable I feel. Don't get me wrong, I still feel like hell, it's just that by doing other things I'm not aware of just how bad it all seems.

Aug. 27, 1997

I never thought I'd get this far today. I had gone to bed around 12:30 pm last night. I laid in bed for awhile with a migraine before I realized that sleep was not going to be coming anytime soon. So, I got up and played some solitaire on the computer. By the time the migraine had eased enough to go back to bed, the clock read 3:45 am. Not good, especially when I have to be up at 5:45 am. When the alarm went off at 5:45 am I hit the snooze and rolled over. Preston came in about 15 minutes later asking me if I was going to go to my Mom's today. Oh how I would have LOVED to stay home instead! Naturally, the day I sleep the least and feel the worst, is the day my Mom has a doctor appointment. Today it was her eye doctor. I decided that if I skipped breakfast, I could lay in bed another 20 minutes. I told Preston to come get me at 6:30 am. When he came in to wake me again I knew I had to get up.

Somehow I made it to the kitchen, got my coffee going, then turned on CNN Headline News. Normally I sit on MY couch (we have 2), but mine's leather and cold, so I opted for Preston's couch. As I laid down and sipped my coffee, Jack (our dog) jumped up on the couch with me uninvited. I suppose I should have yelled at him to get down, but what the hell, I just didn't have the energy. My eyes felt like they were pried open with tooth picks. Later, when I examined myself in the mirror (EWWw) I could see how bloodshot they were. After 2 cups of coffee I made it to the bathroom to get my shower. Once showered and dressed I noticed that it was already past 7:30 am. To make it to my Mom's by 8 am I have to leave BEFORE 7:30 am. Now that school is once again in progress, there are buses and more traffic to contend with. I knew I'd ever get there in time so I called and said I was just leaving and would be late. As I passed through the last town before my Mom's house, I was VERY tempted to stop at Hardee's and grab a biscuit sandwich, (even though I HATE their food). I decided I didn't have the extra time.

The rest of the day was pretty uneventful until I got home. Yesterday I'd received a call from the man who is going to replace our roof. He said they would be here today to get it started. Sure enough, when I got home the driveway was full of what used to be our roof. I parked on the street in front of the house (a no-no), and made it to the house. When I started up the driveway I noticed that none of the men were working. (not good) I said hello, and how was it going. (my 1st mistake) The foreman said "are you Mrs.(name withheld)?" I said, yup I sure am, what's wrong? "Well, those skylights you were wantin to put in ain't gonna work", he said. We have a VERY dark room and since we were reroofing the house, we'd thought skylights would do the trick. He mentioned something about valleys and such, and to be honest, once he said "it ain't gonna work", I'd quit listening. Sure enough, once Preston got home, he explained that it wasn't going to work. Oh well, at least that's another $1000 we won't need to come up with. (lol)

Aug. 28, 1997

Another day with no sleep the night before. I'm beginning to wonder how long I'm going to hold out at this rate. Last night I was in the #fibro chat room, hosting, when I asked my friend Bob to help me with "Pop ups". Pop ups are the colored designs that show up on your screen once you designate someone to send them to. I'd received a file of them from another friend, but I didn't know how to use them. Bob helped me for probably 2 hours when he said he had to go to bed. He called one of his friends to help me. Warlock showed up and was a big help. Before too long I was using my Pop ups. :)

Once I'd gotten back into the chat room it was going on 3 am. Jausten had come into the chat room to talk, and I felt bad not being able to talk to her as much as I'd liked to. We hadn't really corresponded at all in the last few days, and we'd both missed each other. I stayed a little while, finally collapsing into bed at 4 am. I had just fallen asleep when Preston rolled over and caught me in the face with his elbo. What a way to wake up! He woke up after he heard me moan, quite loudly, and apologized for hitting me. : ) By then it was almost 4:45 am. The last thing I remember was hearing Preston get up and shutting the bedroom door.

At 8:30 am I was woken by Jack barking in my ear. Apparently he'd gotten into bed with me sometime after Preston had gone to work at 7:30 am. My guess is that one of the roofers had rung the doorbell and woken Jack up. I laid there a few minutes trying to decide if I REALLY wanted to answer the door. I really didn't feel like trying to make it to the front door. Not to mention at this time of the morning, with less than 4 hours of sleep under my belt, I'd look like death warmed over. I hadn't even removed my make-up from yesterday. So, needless to say, I rolled back over and tried to sleep. After an hour of BANGING and louds thuds on the roof I knew my day was going to begin, wether I wanted it to or not.

It's almost noon, and already my work for the day is done. I'm not really sure what I will do with myself the rest of the afternoon. I do know I'd LOVE to go back to bed and sleep! Eventually I know I'll end up in bed, as my migraine is getting worse. I've often thought if the only things I had to deal with by having FMS, was the pain and inablitity to move my arms and legs, I could live with it. It's not. There are all the associated illnesses to contend with too. For many people this includes TMJ, which causes tremendous face and head pain. Thankfully I don't have that one! I do have the migraines, which seem endless these days, and the depression. Then there is Irritable Bowel Syndrome (or IBS), which manifests itself with constipation, diarrhea, abdominal pain, abdominal gas and nausea, cramps and or pelvic pain. On top of all of that are the nonstop panic attacks. Normally I have anywhere from 10-30 panic attacks a day, depending on the situation. And last but not least is thecognitive or memory impairment, confusion and impaired coordination, lack of consentration. Wrap these all together and I guarantee you'll feel like hell in no time! :)

Aug. 29, 1997

AHhhhhh....7 pm, the weekend has already officially started, THANK GOD! Between the limited amount of sleep I've gotten this week, and the stress of being at my Mother's house today, I'm just about at the end of my rope. It seemed that no matter what I said today, my Mom found fault in it. By lunch time I'd just quit talking altogether. I kept looking at my watch every few minutes and kept thinking to myself.."only X amount of hours before I can go home". At one point this afternoon she asked me what my problem was, why wasn't I talking. I KNEW better than to respond with the truth, so I told another truth instead and said that (as usual) I wasn't feeling good.

Finally 4 pm came and I could go home. The traffic was brutal as usual. What used to be a moderately traveled back road, has now turned into bumper to bumper traffic. Ah, the price of a good economy, and progress wrapped into one. To make matters worse, the cops have started patrolling the highways with a vengeance this week. This is because on Monday of this week, the AAA Motor Club announced that Greenville County had the highest death rate of ANY county in South Carolina.

I hope this wasn't a shock to anyone! Afterall, Greenville county ALSO has the lowest unemployment rate in S.C., not to mention being one of the fastest growing areas in S.C. It's only natural with more people flocking to this area, and driving on the roads, that the death rate will be higher. It WOULD help if the drivers out there knew what they were doing. Unfortunately, this area has grown faster than alot of the drivers can cope with. It is not only NORMAL for people to STOP at the end of an ON ramp here, they also do not use their signals, OR drive in the RIGHT lane on a four lane highway. And they're wondering WHY the death rate is so high??? Sorry about that, I tend to go off the deep end when they target the wrong drivers on the highways. In my opinion, the person that drives 45 mph on the open highway, fails to use his signals, AND drives in the left lane making you have to pass on the right, is MUCH more a detriment to people's safety than the person driving 70-80mph.

Aug. 30, 1997

All in all this has been a pretty good day. As usual, I only got about 4 hours of sleep again last night. I'd gone to bed around 2 am, but found once I got in bed the pain was too much to allow me to sleep. The last time I looked at the clock it was 4 am. It seemd like ten minutes later when Preston came in to wake me up, although it was actually 8 am. We'd planned on visiting his parents today. They live about an hour and 15 minutes south of us. The drive down was very nice. There was little to no traffic, and it seemd nice to have some time alone together. It seems that since we bought our latest computer, we rarely talk to each other much.

We got to his parents house around 11 am, not as early as we had planned. We sat and talked awhile, then had dinner, which as usual was delicious. I tried my best to remain awake. I've noticed that most times when we visit his folks, I end up sleeping through my whole visit. Preston says he thinks it's because when I'm at his parents house I'm more relaxed than when I'm home. Who knows!? I'd taken a LaVyrle Spencer book with me and spent most of the afternoon reading. Late in the day we had some coffee and desert and not long afterwards we started the drive home. The traffic had picked up considerably since we'd made the trip this morning. I find myself getting more and more frustrated driving here as the drivers continue to get worse.

I'm hoping, now that I've called my Mom and let her know we are home, that I can find a few friends and while away the rest of my evening chatting online. Eventually I will probably go into the FM chat room later. I've been there just long enough now that I'm begining to get to know alot of the "regulars" there. Not to mention that I thoroughly enjoy hosting the channel.

Aug. 31, 1997

Today the world mourns the loss of a truly inspirational woman, Princess Diana. As I awoke this morning I think it finally began to sink in. I had been online, in the Fibromyalgia chat room last night when I had first heard the news of the car accident. A man in the chat room had seen she'd been involved in a car wreck. We waited for him to tell us she would be alright. Awhile later he said that they had announced she was dead. I remember saying, "naw, she can't be." I quickly got into www.cnn.com to see if they were announcing she had died. CNN online was saying that she was "seriously injured", but nothing of her death. Another man in the chat room confirmed that yes, they were now announcing her death on American television.

My first thoughts at the time were...oh lord, her poor kids. I can't imagine what it must be like to be told that your mother is dead. My next thought was of the press, and the shitty way they have treated her throughout her short lived life. I have always felt sorry for Diana, she has had a pretty miserable life all in all. I'm not alone when I say that she will be deeply missed!

Next ->