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  At first it came as a shock to him, as I've spent the last 10 years pretending everything is fine. Pretending to him, and pretending to my family and friends. Possibly even pretending to myself as well. It has taken me a long long time to be honest with myself and everyone that touches my life. I've always been the type of person who thinks of other people's feelings first, and thought of my own feelings last. I've decided that isn't right, to me, or to anyone else. My husband has always been there for me the best he knew how to be. No one is at fault here. It takes two people who are seriously commited to a marriage for it to work. Now it is time for me to move on. Thankfully we have no children to drag through this mess. I suppose God knew what he was doing afterall when he made it impossible for me to have children. The next few months are going to be very hard on both of us. Starting a new life at any age is scary, but it's also something that needs to be done occasionally. My entire life has been spent doing what was expected of me, and doing what I thought would make other people happy. For a long time I've felt like I was drowning. Now, for the first time in a long time I don't feel that way. I also don't feel like someone else holds my future in their hands. From now on my future will be decided by me, and I'm excited to begin my new journey. I would like to ask our internet friends to be there for us both. We have several mutual friends and I hope this doesn't affect that friendship. Not only do I need you, but Preston will need you as much if not more. For those of you that feel your allegiance is with Pres, I fully understand and there will be no hard feelings on my part. Pres and I have spent alot of time soul searching, and talking the last 24 hours. When we are both honest with each other we realize our marriage ended long ago. Both of us have just been going through the motions. I've felt for a long time that Pres felt trapped being married to me. With my being disabled I knew he would never walk out on me first. I guess maybe that's why I asked for the divorse instead of him. We talked tonight over dinner, and he did say that he did feel as though I gave him a way to leave me and still save face. Tomorrow I have an appointment with a divorce lawyer. Since we both want this divorce it shouldn't be too much of a hassle, at least that's what I'm hoping. If I never believed the doctors when they say stress is a major component to "FM flare ups" I believe it now. I really didn't think I could get much worse physically. The last 24 hours have proved me wrong. Not only is my FM much worse, but the IBS is in full swing, along with the panic attacks. I got 2 hours of sleep last night and today I've paid for it. I'm hoping with time, this will be easier to take....I hope. As I drove home from the attorney I kept thinking over and over how much simpler it would have been had I not been talked out of taking my own life. I'm not sure I have the strength that is needed to finish what I've started. Everyone keeps telling me how much strength I have and how they admire my strength. If they only knew how terribly scared and helpless I feel right now they'd be surprised. My biggest fear is that the alimony won't be enough to live on once the cost of living goes up. For the short term I'l be ok, but what will become of me once the cost of living goes up and what I receive tomorrow won't be enough to put food on the table, much less pay for the medication I need? These are the things that scare me. No wonder I haven't slept more than 2 hours at a time. Another fear I have is who is ever going to want me? Let's face it, the men aren't going to be lined up to take on a wife that is disabled and unable to function. Is it my fate to spend my life alone and unloved? God, I sure hope not. I've gone so long without that love already. To think this will be my fate is almost more than I can bear right now. Today was spent looking for a place to live. How depressing it is to start all over again looking for an apartment. As much as I love my house, there is no way I can afford to keep it or manage to keep up 2200 sq. ft. alone. If I wasn't disabled, and if I wasn't going to live on a small alimony settlement, and if I didn't have a dog that weighs well over 50 lbs, it would be a snap finding a nice apartment. When I left the house this morning I had 5 places to check out. At the end of the day I was left with only one place I could get in and out of (meaning no steps), and that I could also afford.....well, sort of afford. They do have a 50 lb. maximum weight allowance for dogs though. The last time Jack was weighed he was about 85 lbs., that's not too far over fifty. At this point, what they don't know is not going to kill them. It's either lie about the dog's weight or be homeless. Not a real tough decision for anyone to make. I spend my nights lying awake in bed, trying to be sure I've thought of every conceivable thing that could possibly go wrong and making sure I'm covered in the event it ever happens. I'm already used to the constant headaches and hourly bouts of diarrhea. The panic attacks have been harder for me to get used to since they haven't been this severe in a while. I alternate between feelings of worthlessness, and feelings of just giving up and doing away with myself. Then there are the occasional periods when I'm happy and I look forward to living my own life again. I've found myself mentally decorating my apartment when I'm not worrying over details of the divorce agreement. How I wish I could find that this has just been a really bad dream. Wake up and find that my husband adores me and loves me more than life itself. It would be so nice to think that none of this is really happening and that tomorrow the sun will shine again. As the days goes by I'm getting a better handle on my feelings, and I'm learning to deal with all the added stress a little better. I've been amazed by the number of positive, uplifting letters I've received, not only from friends and family, but from readers of this journal. It's been a big help for me to know I have so many people that truly care about me. I read a letter this morning that has remained with me all day. As I read it the tears began to flow. I cried not for what I was reading, as much as for the terrible feeling of loss I had while I read it. It was heartbreaking to read this person's feelings. If only I'd received this letter long ago, back when the words would have held more hope and meaning to me. Maybe things would have been different today, maybe not. None of us really know where our lives will take us. It is a long, mysterious journey, one that is usually traveled alone. My heart grieves for the writer of that letter, but unfortunately far too much water has spilled over the damn. Words and actions done today, can not undo the years of hurt and neglect that leads someone to make a decision like I did Sunday. There is something sad about love. Most people spend their whole lives searching for the love of their life. Some people find it, other people do not. Still others, like myself, are fooled into thinking they'd found it, only to deal with years of abuse, and hide from the world. When this happens you are left with two choices. You can do like most people and remain in an abusive marriage or relationship where there is no love or future. Or, you can be brave and throw caution to the wind in an attempt at happiness. Whatever you decide the choice is not an easy one. And who is really to say which choice is right and which choice is wrong....only your heart can tell you for sure. Never give up dreaming, and never give up hope. Today will be spent going through all of the possessions we've acumulated over the last 12 years and deciding who wants what. I've been putting this off for the last few days. By the time evening comes I'm so stressed out that the last thing I want to do is deal with more decisions. We've already talked about the major things we both want, and as luck would have it, neither of us will be fighting over a specific object. Once we have the items of the house settled, we are going to look at the apartment I visited the other day. I only spoke with the people that rent out the apartments, I hadn't actually viewed the inside of them. I'd like to see what they look like on the inside. I'm hoping there will be enough room for the items I've chosen to take with me. My main concern is that there will be room for my computer. (lol) In the state of South Carolina, you aren't considered legally separated until you each have a different address. Since there is no way we can swing having an apartment and pay a mortgage, we've decided to stay in the house, living in separate bedrooms, until the house is sold. It's amazing the amount of junk that can accumulate over a 12 year period. Since both of us will be living in one bedroom apartments, most of the possessions will have to be either sold, or given away to Goodwill. We've given each other a deadline of exactly one week today to "de-junk" the house and get it presentable for a real estate agent to view. I've spent the majority of my day taking care of my junk. I've been going through each room, one at a time, and tossing stuff I don't want or need. I've also finished de-junking one of many closets. At this point the computer room, my bedroom, our office, the living rooms and dining room are "cleaned out" of what I don't want or need. We also sat down and discussed how to handle this separation until we each move out of here. I feel that it's in both of our best interests to act as if we are legally divorced. By this I mean that we will no longer "pal around" together, nor will I wait on his call as to when he wants dinner made. We will make our own meals, clean up after ourselves and if one of us isn't here to take care of Jack, the other is expected to pitch in and help out. The sooner we learn to live our own lives, the sooner we will both learn to go on from here. I've tried not to dwell on things that upset me, but there are times when it's impossible not to. One of the things that has pissed me off royally is the way people have treated me through this whole situation. Most everyone I know has been very sweet, and very supportive and I appreciate it to no end. There is however a few people that have gotten under my skin lately. Over the last 12 years my in-laws have never tried very hard to be nice to me. They never listened to me when I needed them, and never loved me like I longed for. Now they are telling me how sorry they are to hear of our breakup etc., how sorry they weren't there for me when I needed it and how if I need anything to let them know. Where were they when I did need them? Where were they when I cried out for their love, support and understanding? I've always tried very hard to be nice to other people. I guess it's because not many people have ever gone out of their way for me, and I feel that someone out there should be treated decently. But I am only human and when I've not been treated well for years do not expect me to roll over and say "oh thank you for your love and support". It's too little and it's way too late. I find it an immense slap in the face for people to offer their love and support now, now when it's too late. Preston and I sat down last weekend and decided to continue living in the house until it is sold. We've been here 8 yrs. last month, and you can imagine the amount of junk we've accumulated since then. The first order of business has been to "de-junk" this house. This in itself has been quite an undertaking. With over 2000 sq. ft. of living space, this house was busting at the seams with unwanted stuff. Pres has been working in the library to get rid of books and such that he no longer wanted, as well as getting rid of mountains of magazines in the computer room. He's also begun to clean out the garage, as well as hauling off many bags of garbage to the dump. While he's been doing that I've been systematically going through closets and tossing anything that isn't going to be vital to my new life. Thursday I began to tackle the kitchen. I was able to clean off the countertops and scrub them all down before I put back some of the stuff. We both decided that if we were able to keep the counters from being so crowded, it would make our small kitchen look more spacious. As of this writing, I've finished all of the closets in the house, as well as all of the rooms. I've either thrown out stuff that neither of us will ever use, or put in a pile for goodwill to haul away later. Yesterday I was able to clean out a little less than half the upper cabinets in the kitchen. Since we seem to have duplicates of most things I've saved what I want, and left the rest for Pres to put in his apartment. This morning I woke at 9 am and started right in cleaning out the rest of the cabinets. I was able to get the rest of the top cabinets cleaned out then I started working on the lower ones. That's when I noticed we have not been alone in this house. We have apparently had a small, furry little visitor living with us for the last month or so. From what I can estimate, we've had a mouse living in the kitchen sometime within the last few weeks. I noticed what looked like mouse droppings as I began cleaning out our cerial/storage cabinet. From the looks of it, he's been feasting on a mixure of pasta and raisin bran cerial, as well as sampling some of my frosted mini wheats too. Since most of the space in this cupboard is used to store jars and food storage containers, I rarely use that cabinet. To say I was a little sqeamish about cleaning out this particular cupboard is an understatement. In fact I decided it would be far easier to come in here and do my journal entry than to finish cleaning out that cupboard. The more I began to clean, the more mouse droppings I found. I even took a peek in the adjacent cupboard under the sink to see what was in store for me there. All I can see is tons of mouse droppings. My immediate fear is that I will get to meet our furry little visitor face to furry face. Although I'm sure he is long gone, I'd rather not find out for myself. I think what I'll probably end up doing is to go on to some of the other cupboards (the non-food ones) and start cleaning them first. Then, when and if I can get my nerve up, I'll tackle the "mouse cabinet".....maybe. One thing I was able to accomplish this week was finding an apartment for myself. It's located on the trendy side of town, but I won't let that get to me. (lol) It's also located in a wonderful wooded area with a fishing lake and a nature trail leading to another fishing lake. The surrounding grounds are magnificent, and very well maintained. The one bedroom apartments are very spacious, and there should be room for the items I want to take with me. Another nice thing about this place is the fact there are no steps for me to climb and they will take a large dog! I just hope that Jack can adjust to apartment life. So after a week, we have come quite a way in preparing the house to be sold, and preparing ourselves to begin new lives. It's kind of ironic when you think that today marks 12 years that we have been married to each other. Twelve years that started out well, and began to decline after that. When I allow myself to think of all that has happened lately I feel sad. I know it's normal to be sad when your marriage ends. What I don't think is normal, is when my sadness is more for the years of my life that have been wasted, rather than the marriage that has been terminated. In the time it has taken me to clean 10 rooms of this house, Pres has finished one room. I realize I have always set high standards for myself and other people, but it kind of pisses me off to spend weeks working like a dog, (doing things I should never be doing), just to see him accomplishing so little. I had asked, (practically begged), him to clean out the "mouse cabinet" for me under the sink. I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it. The whole idea has made me physically sick. In order to get him to do it I promised to do one of his crappy jobs sometime. I had hoped since I was going to be so busy today, and he was taking today off, that he'd phone the painter for me. As it turned out, that was the crappy job he wanted me to do. As time goes on I realize more and more what a wise decision I have made in ending this marriage. Now I just wish I had done it long ago when it began to fall apart and the abuse started, instead of thinking it could possibly be saved. I had always been under the delusion that a marriage was a partnership. Both spouses working together to accomplish a common goal, no matter what that goal was. But I was wrong, for I've spent the majority of my marriage being the decision maker, being the one who gets things done, and doing it usually all alone with little to no support. How nice it would have been to have someone to lean on through all the hard times I've had over the last 12 years. When I told a good friend of mine that I was leaving Preston she said, "Are you nuts? How are you going to manage?" I asked what she meant....how was I going to manage? She said, "Who is going to do everything?" I said, well, other than the laundry, the one who always does everything....me! She was amazed to find out that I was the one that handled all the finances, paid all the bills, made all the arrangements for the cars to be fixed, for the house to be repaired...on and on. I said Preston mows the yard, and does the laundry, the rest has always been up to me. I will have to figure out some way to do my laundry, but other than that, there will be little adjustment for me to make once I'm on my own. I cleaned out the chest of drawers that I share with Pres, and took care of some minor things that needed my attention. Then I spent the rest of the afternoon doing graphics for a close friend of mine. Once I had finished all of the graphics, I came in to check my mail. That's when I read the letter Preston had written this morning. He'd read my entry for yesterday and felt he had to comment on it. I guess it's normal for two people who are breaking up to see two sides of a situation and/or story. When I look back on the last 12 years I see things he doesn't see, and I'm sure he sees things I don't see. I don't think it'll ever be possible for us to see things in the same light. Little by little over the last 12 years I feel like I've lost important pieces of myself. Things said and done, things not said or done, all have been crucial to this final outcome. I guess I should have tried harder, or maybe I should have bitched more than I did. It just seemed that no matter what I said, or how I said it, things never seemed to change for very long. I hate to fight, and I hate to have noticable tension in the air. For me it's just easier to give in, put my wants and needs on the back burner, and make other people happy first. Looking back now, I see that my biggest mistake has been putting my needs last. I'm not a selfish person, nor is it easy for me to ask for anything. But I think the sooner I can be happy for myself, and not because those around me are happy, the sooner I will begin to enjoy life again. I've been amazed at how this whole thing has effected me. At first I was in tears non-stop all day. Then, as the first week came to a close I began to perk up a little. Now, 2 weeks after the fact, I'm excited and very happy. I've found a terrific place to move into, I've got an idea of what my expences are going to be, and I'm confident that I'll be ok financially. I know I would have never gotten through the last 2 weeks without the love and support of my family and my special friends. My Mother has been terrific, and we've grown closer than I ever thought was possible. Although she has been sad to see my marriage ending, she knows that over all this is going to be best for me and she's been so supportive. My biggest supporter has been my friend Don. He has sat here night after night, listening to me, offering his love and support, and making me smile when I've been in the depths of despair. Another person who has checked on me daily is my freind Clem. She's sent me little notes of hope, and has given her love and support so freely to me. She's even gone as far as offering me her home to me. To my friends, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. To the people who have written and offered their support...thank you so much! Dealing with my impending separation-divorce has sent my emotions into anything from anger and frustration to loneliness and withdrawal. There are the things that have been said and done to me that makes me angry. For years I've been saying that I've not been happy. I've either been misunderstood, or totally ignored. This is when the frustration and anger come into play. There have been times in my life when I've felt that so much has been expected of me. Everyone seeming to need me for something. This is when I just need to withdrawal from everyone around me and regroup, trying to gain the strength I need to keep going. Lately I've been doing everything from cleaning, sorting, organizing and bagging up unwanted articles, to locating an apartment, finding what my expences are going to be etc. The cleaning and sorting has taken it out of me. My sleep patterns are less than my normal 3-5 hours a day/night. My pain levels are worse than I can ever remember, and then there's the mental fatigue of throwing 12 years of my life away, only to start all over again. There are times when I think I'm never going to live through all of this. Then I sit back and think to myself...are you sorry you started this? I answer myself with an resounding NO! I know this is the best plan for me, and I know I'll be happier than I have been. For a little over a month now, my best friend has been trying to find work here in Greenville. This week he's finally made some headway in his search for a job. As of this writing he has two places that seem very interested in him. This has made me feel so happy and filled me with hope. To have him nearby, where we can get together and either talk, play cards, or go places together is a wonderfull thought. At the same time, we are both very scared that the pay scale here won't be enough for him to live on. Now you can understand how I can be totally elated, totally unhappy, and miserable, as well wanting to be left alone. I'm hoping eventually things will settle down to what I will know as "normal". I know that once the house is sold Preston and I will go our separate ways. I am really looking forward to having my own place, as well as having something that is easier for me to manage on a day to day basis. I look forward to a feeling I haven't had in a long time...freedom. It took me a long time to recognize how trapped I had felt. In fact I don't think it ever occured to me that I felt that way until I broke the news that I wanted a divorce. At that very moment it felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders. There is a light shining for me right now, it's the end of my tunnel. | |||||||||||||||||
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