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Lately I've been watching a different variety of movie I guess, for I've begun to see bits and parts of myself I hadn't allowed myself to see in a while. I guess it's just human nature to want to hide certain things from ourselves that we may find unpleasant, or things that make us feel weak. Maybe it's just uncertainty that's making me feel this way. I've always been a "control freak". Wanting to feel in control in every situation. But then life is so full of uncontrollable things isn't it? Writing a journal is good therapy, but, writing a journal others read can be hard at times. I find myself wrestling with just how open I'm going to get. Do I tell all? Do I tell exactly how I'm feeling, and why, what has made me feel this way, or who has made me feel this way? Sometimes it's not even a "who", but a collection of people that make me feel a certain way. Then I wrestle with the fact that if I expose too much of myself those people will be angry with me, or hurt, or worse yet, people will read this drivel and think I've either lost it, or that I never "had" it in the first place. (lol) I've always been a big believer in the fact that everything happens for a reason. I believe this so much that when something happens to me, I find myself immediately wondering what the particular meaning is for me. I really try to learn something positive from everything that happens around me. I always wondered what my purpose was in life. Over the years I've begun to piece it out. Taking with me the things that happened to me, and seeing what the meaning in these events was supposed to be to me. It wasn't until I created my FMS-CFIDS Information site that I felt like my life had a purpose. Through me, other people with these illnesses could see that they are not alone, and that what they are feeling is very "normal" to others suffering from these illnesses. By helping others I began to feel like there was a reason why I was going through this in the first place. It's only when I'm near a couple in love, or when I look around and see people paired up and happy that I feel like there is still something missing somewhere in my life. Obviously I'm a million times happier now than I ever was while I was married. But there are times when I ask myself.."is this it?" Most of the time I try to take life as it comes, and I don't stop to question why. People write to me all the time asking me for the "answer" to FMS and/or CFIDS. I always have to chuckle a little when I read this. Like I'm some FMS-CFIDS guru or something. Just like FMS itself, (how it effects each person slightly differently), each person with it handles this illness in their own way too. I tell people, "surround yourself with upbeat happy people, surround yourself only with people who support you, try to do the things you enjoy that you are still able to do, and try to keep your mind occupied." I find that if I'm listening to someone else and trying to help them, I don't have the time to think how miserable I feel. But this world can be a lonely place when you travel it alone.   When I figured up what I was going to need to live on, after my divorce, I figured it based on living in South Carolina. That was my first mistake. The cost of living here in south Florida is far above what I had counted on. Even living with my mother doesn't really help out all that much. Mistake number two was not having my ex provide me with health and dental insurance. A three month supply of one medication used to cost me $3.00 when I was married. Now a three month supply of the very same drug costs me $328.14 Add in the cost of a filling at $104, a root canal at $400, and a crown at $800, all for the same tooth, and you can see where the money is going. It pains me more than the original tooth ache, when I think of how much more work my expensive teeth need. Then there is our wonderful government. Since I'm on Social Security Disability, I'm not taxed for my monthly allowance. However, I am taxed on my alimony. By the time I pay the taxes on what my ex-husband pays me, it erases what I make in disability payments. This makes alot of sense, and helps immensely....NOT! Between the cost of my medical expenses, my dental expenses, helping with home improvements to the house, I've "pissed away" close to $8,000.00 just this month alone! All this leaves me with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, either that or my IBS is kicking in again. Nothing really exciting to report here. My life seems to have fallen into a pattern here. Waking as late as possible, before my Mom comes looking for me at noon. (lol) We do a lot of painting. In fact we've been painting now for months. I've done a seascape with a lighthouse, a picture of a pond near the edge of the woods with geese on the water. I've done another painting with Great White Herons flying over the water at dusk. I've also done a painting of a covered bridge in the fall, as well as a painting of tropical fish. In the evenings we usually go out to eat, then we take a ride over to the ocean. We're not far from a really nice beach with seating in the shade. Or, other times we take a ride down A1A along the ocean. There is nothing more relaxing than sitting by the ocean, listening to the tide roll in, and hearing the wind rustle through the fronds of the palm trees. A few weeks ago I bought a high powered pair of binoculars. I keep them in the car. Now when we go to the beach, I get them out and watch the freighers and the cargo ships pass by. Every Friday night the whole gang gets together at Pizza Hut. The "gang" consists of my brother Mark and his family, my Mom and I, my niece Amy and her husband and daughter. It's become a tradition now, and they all know us by name at Pizza Hut. After dinner the smokers go outside for a quickie, while the non-smokers remain inside. Once we're finished with our cigarettes we come in and play some of the machines. My favorite machine is the one where you try to get the claw to pick up a stuffed animal. I've gotten quite good at this actually. Last week Megan, my "great niece", walked away with 5 stuffed animals that I'd won for her. On the weekend we usually drive up the coast to Jupiter and have dinner at this great restaurant along the Intercoastal Waterway. Or we will hit one of the many indoor flea markets nearby. Other times we'll go to Mark's house and lounge by the pool all day. That's what we did last weekend. Mark had come up with this great idea of having the men cook dinner on Mother's Day. He and my niece's husband Andrew, (who's a chef,) put together a fabulous meal for us. While they cooked and grilled the "mother's" hung out by the pool, swam, and read. Here it is Thursday and my burn is just now getting better. It had been so long since I'd been out in the sun. I ended up looking like toast. At least now it's turning into a fantastic tan. Brian was one of the lucky ones today. Many of his former classmates never lived long enough to see their graduation day. He was one of ten kids celebrating graduation today. Brian has always been fortunate that his disability has never been as severe as alot of the children he attends school with. Although he will never drive a car, or work at a great paying full time job, he is able to walk unassisted. He isn't dependant upon a resperator, or tracheotomy. He doesn't require a full time nurse to help him survive each day, as most of these children do. Watching these children today was heartbreaking to say the least. Living inside these twisted, mangled bodies are children with so much love and enthusiasm to give. The smiles on their faces can warm even the coldest of hearts. As I sat in the croud and watched the graduation unfold, I couldn't help but swipe the tears from my eyes for these brave children. I listened as they sang their hearts out on several songs. What they lacked in talent they made up for in heart. As the name of each senior was announced and an award given, they told of what each child's future plans were. A few, like my nephew, will be attending a habilitation center designed to teaching these kids marketable job skills. Sadly alot of the kids would be attending an adult type daycare program. I find it sad because these kids have spent, in most cases, most of their lives at this school. The teachers are more than mere teachers to these children, they are friends and family members to them. The tears in not only the eyes of the kids, but those of the teachers will attest to this. As the graduation was coming to an end, a mother of a graduating senior was asked to say a few words. She told the story of how her child came to be placed there, and how much impact the teachers had on her daughter over the years. She spoke of the dedication the teachers of this school have for each child, and how they teach the kids to be happy with who they are for what they are inside. I sat behind her daughter, and on many occasions during the graduation exercises I couldn't help but laugh. This girl was SO excited to be there today. She would scan the audience, looking for a familiar face. When she saw someone she knew up would comes the "thumbs up" sign and a huge grin on her face. I was so glad I was able to attend today. Not only to see my nephew graduate, but to experience the love, warmth and compassion of these children. Most people would walk out of their way to avoid such children, but then that would be their loss. I think these kids can teach us alot about hope, happiness, and what really matters in life. | |||||||
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