As Misty's World Turns - November 1997


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Nov. 1, 1997

I've decided to start a new tradition. The first day of each month, I will dedicate a song to one of my friends. That song will play throughout the month in my journal. The next month will be dedicated to another friend, and so on. This is my way of thanking these people for being here for me. (Starting in alphabetical order.) The song is "California Dreamin", and it is dedicated to Cary.

Well, here it is 3:30 pm and I'm just waking up for the third time today. (lol) Preston had woken me up around 5:30 am this morning in THE most delightful way. : ) I then fell asleep again, waking back up around 8 am. I got online and I was able to catch Cary for a few hours. At noon he left to get a shower and go to work (9 am his time), and I headed off to bed again. I'm having one of my not so good days, and I'm sure before this day is done, I'll be back in bed again.

Between the amount of hours I've put into the PWS site, the weather turning cold and damp, and the fact that I haven't slept through the night in 2 years, my body has had it. If I haven't yet, I'm sure it's just a matter of time before I "crash". That's what we FM'ers call it when your whole body says 'I've had enough', and stops working. I've noticed the signs for a few days now. The increase in my fatigue levels, the decrease in what I'm able to do, and the increase in my pain levels. For me to take a nap during the day, I'm either sick with a flu of some sort, or getting ready to "crash". Although my doctor recommends I nap several times a day I don't. Mainly because I'm one of those people that feels worse upon waking, than had I not napped at all. It's only when I can no longer hold my head up that I give in and go to bed.

Nov. 2, 1997

I woke up at 9 am and sat down to talk to Cary for awhile. While I was talking to him in ICQ, I was also trying to answer my mail and get into Geocities (which was down AGAIN). Around 11 am I got a phone call from my oldest niece Amy. She and her husband had taken their little girl out Friday night "trick or treating". It's times like that when I really miss not living near my relatives. I'd have loved to see Megan on her first trick or treat in her Winnie The Pooh costume! (Megan is also JUST learning to walk) After I'd hung up with Amy, Cary and I decided to call it a day. While Cary went to work, I got on the phone and called my Mom.

My Mom told me that she'd received a phone call last night from my Aunt Jan. My dad had 2 sisters, and my Aunt Jan had called to say my other aunt's husband had died Sat. After my Father's death 11 yrs. ago, his family pretty much ignored us. The only person my Mom ever hears from is my Aunt Jan. Although we've never been close to my father's family, my Mom still felt bad to hear of his passing. Personally, I vaguely remember the man.

I went back to bed after I hung up with my Mom, and slept a few hours. Preston woke me up around 3 pm to say he was done with the laundry, and was going outside to work. I decided to get back online and see if Geocities had ever gotten fixed. They had and I spent the next hour working in PWS when I heard a crash, followed by words I can't print here. (LOL) I hobbled out to the kitchen to meet Pres coming in from the garage. He said "I'm really sorry, but I put a dent in the side of your car". I thought at first he was joking till I saw his knee. It was scraped and bleeding, and just looking at it I felt physical pain. He told me that he'd gotten the lace of his sneaker caught while he was carrying the ladder out of the garage. I guess it could have been worse, there were no broken bones, and hopefully we can fix the dent in my NEW car.

For dinner we decided to order a pizza to be delivered. I'm begining to regret that now, as Pizza and my irritable bowel syndrome do NOT mix. Still beats the hell outta cooking though. (LOL) After dinner, I got a message from Cary that he was having trouble using a border background that I had made for him. As it turned out, he didn't realize how to do the html coding for a bordered background. I finally persuaded him to let me help him. I typed the html for him in wordpad, then sent it to him to copy and paste onto his page. The next message from him was one saying the program wouldn't allow him to copy and paste. It's probably just as well. Now that he has typed it all in, it will be easier for him to understand how the process works.

Nov. 3, 1997

This is probably go to sound like a broken record, but GOD I hate Mondays!! I'm not sure if it has anything to do with having two days of quiet and solitude, and then getting back in the rut, or that it's just Monday. By the end of the day today my head was pounding, my body ached all over, and my nerves were shot to hell. My mood was less than great, as I snapped Pres' head off several times on the way to dinner. I'd also gotten a letter from a well meaning friend. That too made me mad. If someone had TRIED to be nice to me at that point it would have made me mad. Now that I've calmed down, and chilled out a little, I feel better.

I haven't felt well in days, and that along with the fact that Pres is leaving on a trip tomorrow, in addition to my usual problems has made today pretty bad. I know I've been putting too many hours into my new page. I also know that I'm not cut out to be a leader, and I question what I have done. I'm begining to think someone else would be better at the helm of PWS than me. Over the last few days, I've had many doubts about my ability to handle this new project. Both physically and emotionally.

Nov. 4, 1997

Last night I spent the majority of the evening depressed. I sat here for hours trying to find someone to talk to when Cary came online. Not too long afterwards, Jausten got online and began messaging me. About 3 messages later, she phoned me. (She could tell by my messages and my journal entry that I was depressed) While I was talking to her on the telephone, I was also messaging with Cary. At one point the two of them traded ICQ numbers, and added each other to their buddy lists. I'm really glad that my two best friends like each other and get along. But to anyone that knows them both, how could you NOT like either of them. They are both very special people in their own ways.

I woke up this morning and found an assortment of candy bars sitting on the computer desk with a note that said, "Happy Halloween, I love you, Pres". He's gone out of town on a business trip, and had apparently gotten the candy from work. He knows I love candy bars, but refuse to buy them because I'll just lay to them. So, I've sat here most of the morning devouring each one. The only things that are left are the "Sweet Tarts", I'll only eat them in an emergency. (lol)

I enjoy time alone, but I don't enjoy forced time alone. If I can be the one to choose when I will spend a day or two alone it's ok. It's when Pres has to travel for work that I get really lonely. I know I shouldn't complain, many women have it worse than me, it still doesn't change the fact that I miss him. It also doesn't change the fact that I'm here alone. Not being able to walk, and do alot of things for myself, makes it even more difficult. It's times like this, when he is out of town that I worry about being here alone and being unable to do anything. It makes me realize how very much I've come to depend on him over the years. Before the FMS took over, I was one of the most independant people you'd ever meet. Now I have to wait for people to buy my groceries, buy my clothes, take me places, clean my home, it sucks.

Nov. 5, 1997

Today seemed to be the spitting image of Monday.....not good. I suppose some sleep last night would have helped. I finally fell into bed at 2:30 am this morning, only to be woken by the alarm clock at 5:30 am. I woke up long enough to decide what was more important, more sleep, or breakfast. Yup, you guessed it, sleep won out and the alarm was reset for 6:15 am. When the alarm went off the second time I was wondering what else I could give up to capture a few more winks. I hit me that I could forego a shower, but that was just a fleeting thought. The house was freezing, naturally when Pres is away is when we have no heat. (trust me on this, there IS something that stops a Trane heating system...COLD weather!) I grabbed the thickest robe I had as I headed for the kitchen to load up on drugs and coffee. Jack, my dog, laid his head back down on my pillow and went back to sleep. God how I wish I could have just crawled back into the waterbed with him!

Once I'd gotten some coffee in me I felt a little warmer. I got online to check my mail and to see if Cary was awake yet. When I went into my mailbox I noticed I'd had three nominations for my "Blue Ribbon Award". When most people nominate a friend for this award, they tell me what terrific things that person has done for them, so on. These nominations were all the same..."she has a really great webpage, give her the award". Well, as you can imagine, this really didn't set a fire under me to "give her the award". I decided that since I was running late, I'd take care of them tonight when I got back online.

As I was driving to my Mother's house this morning, my stomach began to rumble. I knew I was going to regret missing breakfast. I checked my watch and saw that I had only 5 minutes to make it to her house on time. I still had to get gas. I checked my wallet and remembered one of the things I'd planned to do yesterday was to get some money out. I was running on empty in both tanks, and had very little money. What I wanted was a full gas tank, and a bacon, egg, cheese biscuit, what I had money for was a candy bar and 5 bucks worth of gas.

I made it to my Mom's a little late. I'd no more than shut off the engine when the kitchen door opened and she emerged with a towel over her head. I'd promised to give her a hair cut and a perm this morning, and she was raring to go. She got my bag of hair supplies out of the car for me, and dragged it into the kitchen. Once I finally made it up the steps and into the kitchen I collapsed into a chair and began to light a cigarette. I could see from the look I was getting, that having a cigatette was taking precious time from the cut and perm. Once I finished my smoke, I got up and got her started. It took longer than usual, as I was barely able to shuffle across the floor, and forget bending over a sink.

Once the perm and cut were done, and my Mom's hair all combed out, we got in the car to go shopping. I guess I am not a normal woman (I know this is going to shock y'all...lol) I hate shopping. I mean I REALY hate shopping! I'd rather take a beating than to wander aimlessly through department stores, or worse yet MALLS! Today I had no choice. My brother Jim is having a birthday in another week, and we had to get him something. Since Jim lives in Pa., whatever we got was going to have to be sent through the mail. We'd agreed to go in halves on a Civil War painting we had seen last week. On the way home the pain in my hands began. At first it was minor and only a bit uncomfortable. By the time we got out on the Interstate, I had all I could do to grip the wheel. I kept alternating hands, thinking with one hand off the wheel it would ease the pain. It didn't. The tears were literally falling down my cheeks as I tried to drive. Thankfully by the time we'd gotten to my Moms' house I only had 10 minutes to kill before it was time for me to leave.

I drove home in the worst pain I've had since I quit working 8 years ago. I'm still kind of amazed I even made it home. I'd been home all of 10 minutes when I got sick and had to run for the bathroom. Needless to say, I didn't get back online right away. When I did get back online, 2 hours, later I rechecked my mail. I saw that I had received another mail from the "nominator". This has not been a good day, and the last thing I needed was someone giving me grief. I opened the letter and read, "I sent those nominations yesterday!! How long does it take to give these awards out???". THAT did it, no awards tonight!! There used to be a time when I would have been intimidated into sending those awards out. Maybe if she had caught me on a better day, OR if she had used the word "please?" somewhere, she might have fared better. The idea behind those awards seemed to have been lost on the woman, and I have neither the time, the inclination, or the energy to explain it to her.

Nov. 6, 1997

Ah, morning. Quite possibly the worst time of the day for me. But at the same time, one of the nicest parts of my day also. With FMS, waking up and getting out of bed can be a real chore. Especially when every part of your body is screaming out in pain, as mine is today. The only good thing about morning is that's when I normally talk to Cary and Dave. I'll usually catch Cary for a little bit, then as he is preparing to go off to work, I talk to Dave. This morning I wasn't disappointed, I got to talk to both of them. While Cary was off doing what ever he was doing to get ready for work, I got into FreeTel and caught Dave for a little bit.

Usually my afternoons are spent dealing with mail, updating my websites, and waiting for Jausten to get online. It seems my world revolves around my friends. In my worst, and best times, they are here for me. Jausten is like my older sister to me. If I haven't messaged her at least once during the day I feel lost. It's especially nice that we both share FMS, and unlike alot of people I've met, she never whines. I'd have to say that she is very good for me, and to me. When I'm not feeling good, or depressed she knows. It's amazing when you can pick up someone's feelings through a message.

I have no plans for today other than getting some more sleep. My hands feel like they've been jammed in a window or door frame today. My back feels like a knife thrower has missed his mark and hit me instead. I'm hoping I feel somewhat better by the weekend. We've been invitied to a party, a rare event for us, and I want to be able to go. If it was going to be held indoors I wouldn't worry, but it's a bon fire party, held outdoors. Although this sounds like alot of fun, with the evening temperatures in the low to mid 40's here, I'm paranoid I'll get cold. When I get cold, the pain intensifies. I'm going to dress as warm as possible, and I'll have my blanket in my wheelchair back pack, I'm hoping that and being near the fire helps.

Nov. 9, 1997

As you might have guessed, from my lack of journal entires, I haven't felt well the last few days. Sat. I woke up early, around 7 am and got online to talk to a friend. At 10 am when he got offline I returned to bed. I'd slept a few hours when Pres came in with me. At 5 pm I woke up ravenous, as I hadn't eaten all day. We got our showers and took a ride to Burger King for dinner. Once we'd eaten, we filled up the car with gas and headed out to a Chilli Fest/Bon Fire party.

We got there about 20 minutes after it had begun and it was already in full swing. It was a perfect night for a chilli - bon fire party, as the sky was clear and starlit, but also cold as can be. I'd dressed with two flannel lined sweatshirts, jeans, boots, my leather jacket and 2 blankets, just in case. After a few minutes near the huge dancing flames, the front of my leather coat felt like it was melting. I was getting over heated so I took my coat off. Amazingly enough, with the front of me probably registering 90 degrees, (my eyeballs literally felt like they were melting) the back of me was probably more like 40 degrees. I didn't have to worry about my bottle of water getting hot in my wheelchair backpack.

We only stayed a few hours since we only knew the guy who was throwing the party. We got home around midnight. I got online looking for some friends. No one seemed to be about, so I plugged into FreeTel and decided to just start calling people at random. Since I have "disabled" in my listing, not many of the men I called accepted. I did finally talk to a guy that was a few hours drive from where I grew up. We talked for a few hours when I decided I'd probably over stayed my welcome. When I thanked him for a good time he actually asked me to stay longer. I hung around for an another hour when I got a phone call from Jausten. As I was talking to her I thanked him again and shut down the pc to concentrate on what Jausten was saying to me.

She and I talked until 3 am. Between being alergic to wood smoke, and the lateness of the hour, my eyes felt like they were being held open by tooth picks. The last time I saw the clock it said 4 am. I woke up around 9:30 am with Jack pawing at me. I stumbled out to the living room and saw that Pres was on the phone. After getting my coffee and medicine I got online to check my mail. I'd been online a short time when I got a message from a friend. We talked for quite a few hours. Later, I called my Mom for a few minutes. She'd gotten a travel brochure in the mail for historic places within South Carolina. I guess tomorrow will be spent traveling all over the state in search of the places in this brochure.

After I hung with my Mom, I was so tired I could barely hold my eyes open. I stripped and got back in bed. Four hours later I woke up to the smell of food cooking. Pres had not only done the laundry today but had cooked dinner too! Usually when he cooks, it consists of just making whatever meat we are having. Tonight however, he made a complete meal. Baked pork chops with sliced apples, saffron rice and peas. It tasted even better than it smelled. I appologized to him for not being much fun today, and he gave me a sly smile and said, "you were fun last night, I had a good time. Plus I know you needed your sleep today". I'm lucky to have someone that is understanding about my FM, and how it effects me.

Nov. 13, 1997

Although I really don't feel up to writing, I did feel I had to spend some time in here this morning. The last few days have been pretty bad for me physically. Of course the rain, and bone chilling cold, damp weather hasn't helped. There is no colder place than South Carolina when it's raining.

Last night I'd been on ICQ talking to Cary when I got a message from Jausten. She too has been having a rough time of it lately, and needed someone to talk to. When she messaged me she needed a good cry, I picked up the phone and hit my speed dial. The three of us, Jausten, Cary and I, all messaged each other back and forth for quite awhile as she and I talked on the phone. In no time at all I had her laughing and forgetting her problems for a while. Cary also got her laughing. I'm glad that my two best friends get along so well. After I'd been on the phone for an hour or so, I said I'd better hang up so that I could call more often. My phone bill runs around the $300.00 mark now that I've met Jausten, and it's worth every penny.

We hung up, and she messaged me that she was going to try to get some work done before bed. I then went back to messaging Cary in ICQ as I completely redid my borders and graphics for these journal pages. I'd been told by my friend VJ, that it was difficult to read with the color scheme I'd chosen. It wasn't long before Jack told me he had to go out to pee. I got up from the computer, hobbled to the back door, tied him on his long lead and stood on the back porch steps waiting for him to finish. That's when he thought he saw something.

Before I knew it, I was flat on my back, with my head bouncing off the brick steps. My hands have been giving me so much pain these last few days, that I was unable to hold as securely onto the lead as I usually do. I layed there for a mintue, I guess trying to figure out what had happened. It was so quick. Eventually I was able to roll onto my side and pull myself up on the door frame. I thought I was in pain before the fall, it was nothing like afterwards. Jack came over and began kissing me, he knew he'd hurt me, and he felt sorry. I got back inside the house, somehow making it back to the computer room. I messaged Cary that I'd hurt myself, and was touched by his concern. It wasn't long before I was in bed. My head spinning and throbbing as the rest of my muscles cried out in pain.

This morning definitely feels like the day after. I know if I can get dinner on the table tonight I'll be doing good. Pres had woken me up before he left for work, so I could get my medication started. I had planned on telling him about the fall this morning, as he was sleeping last night when this all happened. But I didn't. He had an important presentation this morning, and I didn't want to distract him. Hopefully I'll feel a little better when he gets home tonight, and I can tell him then. After getting my pills in me, and getting my coffee, I got a hold of Cary online. We talked for an or so before he left to prepare for work. Although there are a million things I'd initially had planned to do today, I won't be doing any of them.

Now that winter is beginning to set in here, my journal entries will probably be kind of spotty. Winter is the hardest time of the year for someone with FMS. For me in particular, I spend a great deal of time in bed, as sitting can be too painfull for any length of time. If you don't see an entry for the day, you'll know that I wasn't feeling good. I have no idea how many people read my journal. I know of 2 people that read it religiously, but as to how many others do I'm not sure. Maybe it's just those two people.

Nov. 14, 1997

What a terribly long day this has been. The fact that I'm still trying to recover from my fall doesn't help. I have never been in so much pain in my whole life. I must have pulled a million muscles when I fell down the steps. Not to mention I still have a headache, but not as bad as it has been. I probably should have gone to the doctor, but I really didn't want to be stuck with someone I don't know. My doctor has gotten so busy, that if you need him for an emergency, you have to see one of his partners. I hate his partners. My only other option is to go to the emergency room, sit for countless hours, then fork over all my money for 10 minutes of someone's time...no thanks.

I'd spent a few hours last night talking to Cary. He's been concerned about me since I fell, and has said he thought I should go to a doctor. It's nice to have someone that cares what happens to me. I had completely lost track of the time last night, when he said he needed to go to bed. It was then that I noticed it was almost 2 am. By the time I got into bed it was almmost 2:30 am, and I remember hearing the clock strike 3 am before I fell asleep. Pres woke me up at 5:45 am, and the last thing I wanted to do was to get out of my nice warm waterbed. I ended up laying there longer than I should have. By the time I had started to get ready to see my Mom, I noticed I was running late. I skipped breakfast and got right on the road. Half way to her house I noticed that I was actually running early!

That's when I decided to make a pit stop at Hardees and grab a cheese and egg biscuit. It wasn't until I got to my Mom's that I realized what I'd gotten was a buttered biscuit...period! No egg, and no cheese. We hung around her house for awhile when she decided it would be a good day to wander all over South Carolina. That's just what we did. We visited towns I'd only heard about before, and all in all we had a nice time. Tonight Pres wants to go listen to a jazz band play. Personally I'd rather hang by my nose hair, but I've canceled on him the last three times. Getting out of the house will probably be good for me anyways.

Nov. 15, 1997

As it turned out, we never did go to see the band last night. I'd been writing my journal entry when Pres got home. He'd looked over my shoulder and read where I'd "rather hang by my nose hair than see the band play". (lol) He laughed and said well, it seems like you really don't want to go, and I'm too tired to go myself. Whew! There is a god!! (lol)

I spent my night alternating between working on my pages, and talking to Cary. I also sent a card to Jausten to help cheer her up. She's been having some major e-mail trouble and has been stressed out. The rest of my night is a blur. All I do remember is getting to bed at 2 am again this morning.

At 8 am I was awoken by having my picture taken. (lol) I had been sound asleep when Jack had decided to join me. He is a lover, and likes to be touching you as he lays with you. This morning, like usual, he'd gotten up against me with his head on my chest and I'd had my arm around him. Since our hall bathroom toilet isn't working, Pres had snuck into our bedroom to use that bathroom. That's when Pres took our picture. He said we looked too cute not to document. Thank god after 11 yreas of marriage he's pretty much gotten THAT out of his system. I hate being photographed, and he knows it. When we were first married, he was always taking my pic. These days if I want it taken to update my online one, I ask him.

Since Thanksgiving is right around the corner, it's time to get some Christmas shopping done. Personally I only have 3 more gifts to buy. Preston on the other hand has yet to start. So I guess this afternoon will be spent fighting traffic, wading through crowds, waiting forever in long lines, listening to other people's screaming kids, trying to stay warm in cold temperatures, and shopping. Sounds just lovely....NOT!

Nov. 16, 1997

For a change I slept pretty good last night. Not as long as I'd like, but as long as I could. I woke up around 8 am with pain slicing through my back and shoulders. I'd assumed it was from our shopping trip yesterday. Pres and I had gone to the mall. Although he pushed me most of the time, there were times when I had to push myself in the wheelchair. It's kind of strange, without the wheelchair I can't walk at all, but sitting for hours on end in the wheelchair kills me. It's not comfortable for me to sit in an upright position very long. Then there is the use of my arms to push myself in the chair. Using my arms for any length of time is very painful for me. I try not to think of the many things that have changed for me over the years, and this last year in particular. And they STILL continue to say that FMS is not degenerative. To that, all I can say is B*LL***T!

When I first bought my wheelchair, I could push myself everywhere. In fact I used to have to fight with my Mom and Pres not to push me. Now, I hope that they will offer to push me, as I'm no longer able to do it for myself. I find that my level of stamina is very low. Doing the least little things tire me. If we go out to visit people, or are in crowds I get terribly fatigued. I mentioned this to Pres the other night. He said that yes, he'd noticed the changes in me too. He also said that I was showing more and more of the symptoms of CFS as well as FMS. To be quite honest, I've never read much about CFS. I figured why bother. There is no cure for CFS either, and why just make myself more depressed than I already am. But I now know that having that kind of attitude isn't productive. Hiding your head in the sand doesn't make your troubles disappear. I guess when I go to my doctor Wed. I'll have to talk to him about these changes in me.

After I'd gotten my coffee and my medication started for the day I came in the office to get online. Pres asked me what I had done to Netscape last night. I asked what do you mean? He said when he got online this morning, all of the bookmarks were gone. Had I done something. Then it hit me, as I was shutting down last night I'd received a notice that something had happened to the bookmarks, but I wasn't given a choice of saving them. It was just a statement that there was a problem. He said that he had backed his bookmarks up, but couldn't find mine. That's because I'd forgotten to. Like everything else these days, I'd forgotten. So, I guess I'll have my work cut out for me, trying to find everything I'd originally had. Most of the bookmarks are documented on pieces of paper, but all of my midi files are now gone for good. I don't even remember how I found the first ones. So much for adding new music to my site I guess.

I think of all the things I miss the most, I miss my mind. If you don't have short term memory loss, this sounds pretty funny. However, if you do have it, it's not funny at all. I used to be one of those infuriating people who could remember everything. Names, dates, faces, special dates like my anniversary, or birthdays. I used to be able to remember things as people talked to me. Pres would be telling me about his day as I knitted or embroidered, (more things I can no longer do), and he'd accuse me of not listening to him. That's when I would repeat word for word, everything he'd just said. He used to call me his human tape recorder. Now I can't even finish most of my own sentances, much less remember what someone has just said to me.

I'm surrounded by pieces of paper, and note pads. I have a note pad in the office for url's, bits and pieces of conversations that I want to remember, so on. I have post it notes all over the shelves to remind me of passwords and member names to different programs I use. I have a note pad at the sink to keep track of food I need to buy at the store. I have a note pad on the counter by the door to remind me what I need to take with me in the car for the day. I have a note pad on the kitchen table that I use to write down things that I need to do in the office, and then I'll bring that paper back here with me. If this wasn't really happening to me, I'd find this all terribly funny.

Nov. 17, 1997

Last night I got to bed earlier than I have in years. I'd talked to Cary until 11:30 pm. Once we'd hung up, I checked my mail one last time and shut down the pc. Although I was tired, I still had another half hour to go before I could take the last of my pills for the day. I'd decided to go in the living room, lay on one of the couches, and snuggle up with Jack as I read a new book. When my pill timer went off at midnight I was ready for bed. The next thing I knew the alarm was going off this morning at 5:45 am. It's the first time in 2 years that I've slept through the night.

Feeling more refreshed than I have in a long time, I drove to my Mom's. When I pulled in the driveway, I hit the button for the automatic garage door opener. The door went up all of 6 inches and stopped. I hit the opener again, still only 6 inches. [ at least I THINK it was 6 "...afterall, all my life I've been told this: <----> was 6 inches! lol] After a few more tries I knew winter had finaly come to South Carolina. We'd had our first frost last night, with near record cold temperatures. Like my heating system, once it gets below freezing, my mothers garage door will not open. I opened the car door....made my way to the garage door and began alternately hitting the button, and pulling the door up. Once I had the door open I drove in.

After an hour it was time to do yet MORE shopping (yuk). We went to Wal-Mart, and then on to the mall for my Mom's nail appointment. I opted to stay in the car and read. An hour later she emerged carrying a small bag. Once inside the car she handed me the bag and said, this is for you. When I opened it up, I saw two pair of earrings. I gave her with a surprised look. Then she said, I thought these would look nicer than what you're wearing. Although they aren't the style I normally wear (dangled ones) I put them on and had to admit they looked nice.

Once we got home, she pulled out a deck of Tarrot cards she'd gotten free from a book club. We've always been fascinated by palmists, and the like, and we were anxious to learn how to read our fortunes. She went first, selecting ten cards from the pile, then arranging them in order. I flipped over each one and read to her what the card meant, and how it related to the ones already exposed. In the end, her fortune was very bright and cheery. Next it was my turn. I selected my ten cards, arranged them in order, and she began exposing each one in turn. With each new card, my fortune looked worse and worse. By the 9th card, even she was looking a little worried. Then the last card was revealed. It was a "strength" card, which meant that although I was going to be going to hell and back, I'd have the strength to follow through. Thankfully, after my reading, it was time to go home. All the way home I thought about my "reading" an dwelled on all the bad vibes I'd gotten. I was so upset by the time I got home, that I picked up the phone and called Jausten. She was very surprised to hear from me, and listened to my tale of woe. I'd only been on the phone 10 minutes when I heard Pres come home. I told her I'd better hang-up while I still could.

I finally told Pres about my "reading" on the way to dinner. Being of the scientific mind, he finds it all mumbo jumbo. Talking with him made me realize how easy it was to attach different meanings to what my fortune foretold. Although it's still in the back of my mind, I still believe WE decide our destiny, but just in case the cards were right, I'm gonna tread very carefully.

Nov. 18, 1997

Well, I have to say that Pres was right about my "tarrot reading" yesterday. The things I had feared never came about. Instead my very worst fear was realized last night. I had a terrible fight with one of my very best freinds. It was stupid and pointless, not unlike me, and I've spent the whole day kicking my ass. I thought of nothing else all day long. On my drive home I had to pull over to wipe away the tears.

When Pres got home, he knew something was very wrong. When I'd told him of the fight he said you need to write and apologize. I said I already had, and I hoped it helped. I have made few special friends in my life, and this person is one of the two most special friends I have. To think I've screwed this friendship up scares me to death. It has been two months since I'd had a panic attack. Today I counted 45 of them. Between the fact that I never slept at all last night, the stress of the fight, and the 40+ panic attacks, I'm done in tonight. It's a good thing I have a doctor appointment tomorrow, I need it.

Nov. 19, 1997

Well, for those of you interested, my friend and I got our problems ironed out last night. I've just now gotten home from visiting my doctor. I'm not sure how I feel. Part of me wants to just sit down and cry, and the rest of me says to keep going. Every 2 months I visit my doctor. The last three visits have consisted of him trying to persuade me to go back on medication for the FMS. I argue that since there is no cure, and the meds make me sick, why take them for a few so-so days. He explains that his job as my doctor is to find something that will make me feel better.

Today, we covered the same ground again, except with a slight twist. He now wants me to enroll in a swim program. Just what I want to do, go out at night, in the freezing cold twice a week to swim alone where I know no one. He also gave me the name of a supplement that he wants me to try. He said from what he's read, it may or may not help me, but it's worth a try. As he said this afternoon, it's time we began to use you as a guinea pig. Gee thanks, just what I wanted to be when I grew up. He once more talked about new medications that I could try, and I once more talked about the weight I've taken off since I quit the drugs. Then he said well you might have a few more good days a week, and I said yes, and my sex life may go back down the toilet too.

What these people fail to mention when they are touting their medications, is how it effects YOU, the person taking them. When I was on the FM medications my sex life was non existant. I was lucky to get "lucky" 6 times a YEAR! My marriage was beginning to be effected. In the year that I've been off the FM drugs, everything is back to normal. My wieght is down from where it was ( I still have tons more to get off), my marriage is better again, my self esteem is much higher, my migraines are better, the panic attacks are less frequent, I have diarrhea less often, and I'm in more pain. I would gladly give up the chance to ever walk again, if I felt better about myself, my marriage and my life.

I explained to my doctor my reasons for staying off the meds. He laughed and said if his sex life had improved that much, he'd agree to no new drugs too. (lol) I'm lucky to have a good doctor, I'm also lucky to have one that I like, and one that genuinely likes me too. I know it's his job to do what ever he can to make me more comfortable. It's just that sometimes, by doing nothing, you are doing something positive. If I could just get him to realize that.

We also talked about the support-action group, (People With Substance), that Jausten and I have formed. I told him what our mission statement was, how we intended to procede, and asked for some input from him. He told me to get more active in the Americans With Disabilities Act, and gave me some ideas. I told him that if nothing else I was going to stir up some trouble, and see that someone knew how strongly I feel about this. He smiled and said...."Well you're the one to do it. I almost pity the people you encounter." Damn, this guy knows me TOO well ! :)

Nov. 20, 1997

Today has been kind of a lazy boring day. I'd woken up fairly early, and I was able to talk to Cary for a little while before he left for work. Then I went back to bed for awhile. I woke up two hours later, feeling a little more refreshed. I checked some mail, and spent the morning waiting for a call on Freetel. I've come to the conclusion that if someone thinks you are popular...ie, you're always busy...then they will call you. If however they see that no one is talking to you, they won't call. It seems like I'll sit here for hours with no calls, then one person calls and the whole place starts jumping with more calls. (lol)

I received a call from a man this afternoon in Freetel. We'd begun talking without the normal questions...are you married, where do you live, etc. After talking to him for 30 minutes he said something about living in South Carolina. I said YOU live in S.C.? He said yes, I live in Greenville. I burst out laughing. No doubt he thought I was quite strange. I said gee, I'm in Greenville too. (lol) It was fun talking to someone that lives in the same town. He even suggested meeting sometime.

I was talking to a friend of mine this afternoon in icq, when he asked if I had Jausten's phone number. Jausten has been feeling bad, and she has been kind of depressed. My friend was going to send her some real flowers to perk her up. Unfortunately, he'd lost her phone number and asked me if I had it. I looked around and wasn't able to find where I'd written it down. Luckily, I have her programmed into my speed dial. I called her and said I have a rather bizarre question to ask you....what is your phone number? She got laughing so much I thought she was gonna loose it big time. I explained that I had her number in my speed dial, but other than asking her, there was no way for me to know WHAT the number was. (lol) If nothing else, she had a good laugh. She already has wondered about my sanity, and I'm sure this really makes her wonder about me. : )

Nov. 22, 1997

I had every intention of writing an entry yesterday, but the weather here wouldn't allow me to. It had rained here all day, and by the time I'd finished dinner last night it got much worse. I thought at first I was hearing things, as I though I'd heard thunder. It was only 42 degrees outside, not your typical thunder storm temperature. Sure enough, not long after the thunder I saw a brilliant ligtning bolt out the window.

Normally our thunder storms don't last very long, so I curled up on my couch and read awhile. Almost 2 hours later it was STILL going on. Pres turned on the TV to look at the local weather radar. Sure enough, there was a line of storms coming up from Atlanta, 2 hours south west of us, and it looked as the the whole line was going to be coming right through here. During one of the lulls, I jumped on the pc, and jotted a note off to Jausten and Cary to let them know I wouldn't be around. As I was unplugging the computer the storm started back up with a vengeance.

I had spent most of the day yesterday sitting in the car as my Mom shopped. It takes awhile to get my wheelchair out of the trunk and set up, so on rainy days, I just sit in the car. It was so cold and miserable here though, I got completely chilled through. When this happens, my pain levels go through the ceiling, and it takes me hours to get warmed up again. I ended up getting into bed..t-shirt, flannel shirt, sweatpants and all. I read until about 10 pm. I had gotten up to go to the bathroom when I realized the thunder storm was finally over. Since I knew that laying in bed would put me to sleep in no time, I got back up and got online again.

My friends had taken me at my word, and weren't around. I did some mail, then played Scrabble for a few hours. By the time I fell into bed it was 1:30 am. Today has been spent in and out of bed. I'd woken up around 7 am to get my medicine going, and to talk to Cary for a little bit. Then at 9pm I got offline, and went back to bed. I woke up around 1 pm, called my Mom, then got back online again. The weather has turned wonderful here today, and for the first time in weeks, I've got my doors and windows open.

Nov. 24, 1997

Today was such a wonderful day. The weather was perfect, in the mid 60's and sunny. My Mom and I had decided to do some traveling today. A week ago she'd gotten some brochures on South Carolina. When I got to her house at 8 am this morning, we sat down and decided where to go. We'd chosen the town of Aiken, S.C. (2 hours away) It's well known for it's horse country and it's old southern homes. We grabbed the map, and hit the road at 8:30 am.

The trees were glorious, especially the red oaks. Every where you looked, there were shades of gold, red, and orange. We traveled through several small towns, stopping every now and then to look at some gorgeous old homes. We got to Aiken around 11 am. Our first mission was to find somewhere to eat. My Mom hates fast food restaurants, and she dislikes "true" southern cooking, (which means food swimming in grease usually), so this was no easy job. Just as we were about ready to settle for Shoney's we saw a Golden Corral and ate there.

After lunch, we drove down some back streets looking for horses. We found tons of stables, but only saw two horses. Oh well, at least it was a lovely drive with tons of "old money" homes to gawk at. Since there wasn't anything else to do, we started home again. We stopped at a road side flea market about half way home and poked around a little bit. Since there were two ways to get to Aiken we'd decided to come home using another route. That's when I got to see my 1st cotton field! Acres and acres of cotton, and we were lucky enough to see them harvesting it too.

Nov. 25, 1997

It's been almost a week since my doctor diagnosed me with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS). Looking back, I should have realized that I've had this for awhile. My stamina levels have dropped considerably in just the last year alone. The least little thing tires me, and I find I'm doing less and less and getting more and more tired. Our little road trip wasn't such a good idea after all. By the time we'd come home from dinner, I was totally exhausted. I tried to stay awake, but gave in about 8:30 pm. I got offline, walked into the living room and told Pres I was going to lie down for awhile.

I'd asked him to wake me at 9:30 pm, since I didn't want to sleep all night. After about a half hour, I was able to get my bearings again, and fully wake up. I worked on a few pages of graphics, and was surprised later with a message from Cary. He and I messaged each other back and forth for an hour or so. Since we hadn't spoken at all yesterday, it was nice seeing him. I'd gone into his webpage and looked around for awhile. Then I went into his son's webpage and looked around.

While I talked to Cary, I made his son a sign for the title of his webpage. I love doing graphics, and I enjoy giving people things. I'd finished the sign and sent it to Cary. He messaged me back that he'd called his son over as he was opening the picture up, and that his son was very pleased with it. Maybe this is what I'll do, just wander the internet giving away graphic work. It's a nice feeling to give.

I'd woken up around 7 am, got my coffee and meds going and got online for the day. I hadn't been on very long when I ran into Cary again. We talked for a short while as I worked on some mail. Mainly I've spent my morning on the telephone. I'd called my Mom to let her know I was alive. Then I received a call from my sister-in-law. And finally a phone call from a delivery service, looking for my house. Hmmmm.... And then another call from my sister-in-law. We're trying to all get together with Preston's folks for the holidays. Since my Mom and Pres and I are flying to Florida for a week at X-mas, it's difficult finding a time when we can get together with his sister and parents.

I think the rest of the day will be spent either trying to finish my book, or sleeping. I'm still very tired. Of course staying up till 2 am didn't help matters. I'd gotten a call from an old friend last night. He was very depressed and in need of some cheering up. So, it was time well spent, but I'm still tired none the less.

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