Corporate Fitness Program:
When an applicant asked if the company had a fitness program, the human resources manager replied, 'Oh, our employees don't need one. They are routinely jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, beating around the bush, running down the boss, going around in circles, dragging their feet, dodging responsibility, passing the buck, climbing the ladder, wading through paperwork, pulling strings, throwing their weight around, stretching the truth, bending the rules, stabbing others in their backs and pushing their luck!'

JIM & MARY:
Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.
Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Mary the news, he said, ‘Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Mary replied, 'He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry.'

Two Guys:
Two guys were walking through the jungle. All of a sudden, a tiger appeared from a distance, running toward them.
One of the guys took out a pair of Nikes from his bag and started to put them on. The other guy, with a surprised look on his face, exclaimed, 'Do you think you will run faster than the tiger with those?'
His friend replied, 'I don't have to outrun it, I just have to run faster than you!'

Defamation of Character:

A man was sued by another man for defamation of character. He charged that he had called him a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge,
'This means that I cannot call Mr. Johnson a pig?'
The judge said that was true.
'Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mr. Johnson?' the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mr. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mr. Johnson and said, Good afternoon, Mr. Johnson.'

Meanings:

A teacher is drilling her young students. "Give me a sentence about a public servant," she said.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Do you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

The Genie and three wishes:

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are in Ft. Lauderdale for a two-week period helping out on a project.
About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you 3 wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish."
The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.
The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie. "I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.

To achieve great things we must live as though we were never going to die.

Every act of will is an act of self-limitation. To desire action is to desire limitation. In that sense, every act is an act of self-sacrifice. When you choose anything, you reject everything else.

The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life.

It is only shallow people who do not judge by appearances. The true mystery of the World is the visible, not the invisible.

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit.

The happiest people seem to be those who have no particular cause for being happy except that they are so.

The present is the necessary product of all the past, the necessary cause of all the future.

Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.

Many might go to heaven with half the labor they go to hell.