pvolumeIV.html

Volume IV

I'm through asking
     and I won't come around anymore
No more standing in your way
Your life, your dreams
     I will not steal
If thinking of me
     is too great of a challenge for you
I'll set you free
I know now
     what I have to do
I know now
     that I offer something
     that you will never need
I've said everything
     that I know to say
run the miles and spent the years
that have lead to nowhere and back
Always back to your empty gaze
          that goes right through me
I'm through finding reasons
to believe in you
yes, it's diffcult to let go, but
An emotional burden, I could never be
No more tossing and turning in your sleep
I will set you free
     undo the chains I never put on you
     and return the freedom you never lost

Death lingers in my house
     and will not let me go
There it is
     in every corner of my life
     in all the places you should be
I felt the sadness that loss always brings
I cried for weeks
     which was only fitting
     and still weep inside
Death waits at my window
In my withering plants
In silent lifeless dust
     falling
     to cover
          all that is mine
Death lives in every dark shadow
     thriving on my despair
     waiting for my surrender
I cannot give you up
     even though you are gone
I thought I would be stronger
     but there's a sadness
     that will not let me go
          and still I hope to see you
     knowing I will find only emptiness
the emptiness of absence fills my heart
Leaves me longing for you
I'm lost to this grief
     lost to the darkness of death
That waits to take all that is mine
     and I cannot let you go

Filling me up with poison
poison flowing in my veins
Insecticide inside of me
Acid for blood
Cut me and I'll burn
     right through the floor
My heart loves the chemicals
     watch as it pulls gently
     and into me they infuse
Now I'm supposed to use
     the blood
     the bug spray
Kill the alien
     nesting inside of me
A scorched earth policy
     to kill what's invaded me
Insecticide kills every bug
     the fleas, the ticks
     the butterflies, the bees
          and maybe a bird or two
Pray to God there's something left
Hoping when the poison's done
     that there's something left of me

I've spent so many years
     on my death bed
     waiting
          for all of life's answers
Neither Nirvana nor the Rapture
     can be found in my closet
Only shoes
and dresses
     that I've never worn
But no angel's wings
On any of my plastic hangers
No brand of toothpaste will yield
     immortality
It's in the tube somewhere
but I can never work it out
The Gods and Godesses of the household
     are too often silent
     too busy in my freezer
          protecting the frozen orange concentrate
Leaving my bed, my warm cocoon
would be as great a feat as climbing every step
     to the top of the Temple of the Moon
So, I stay here and wonder
Do house plants sing?
Do dust bunnies have wings?
And if I took a pilgrimage
all the way to Mecca
would they let me bring my cats?

The rain came last night
     but I missed it
   Never heard the thunder
   or felt a drop
As if it never happened
I missed the rain
So, I chase the storm
     follow that cloud
Until I find the place
where green grass grows
and the wild rivers flow
Missed the rain
Follow the storm
     can't wait here in the desert
     where there is no shade
          not a cloud in the sky
     can't wait here in the desert
     for a chance that won't come
where greater is the chance that lightning will strike me
     than the possibility of a light tapping
          on my window pane
Chase the storm
     because I won't wait
     here with no rain drops to fill one puddle
Never again do I wish to miss the rain

Woke up in a cancer cell
now I'm trying to make bail
I'd love to flee
     break out of here
but a ball and chain
makes running much too slow
Calling from a cancer cell
     yes, I'm entitled to one
to my insurance man
he's a prince of a man
climbs up my prison tower
and boldly says to me
     have you any idea
     just how much
     your insignificant life is costing us?
When I get out of here
I'll have to do something extraordinary
just to justify
being alive
Scuba dive with that heavy ball chained to my ankle
It's never coming off
They'll never let me forget
     never let me walk away
I live forever marked; it's not so bad
being a major medical annoyance
The meter is running
And if I die, I won't have to pay

The man in black caught up to me today
I just stopped running
     and there he was
          right behind me as always
We didn't speak at first
     I expected to be killed
     expected to die
He had been chasing me all these years
     and I thought that was why
From the corner of my eye
Watched him watching me
and then he asked
     Why did you stop?
Curious and confused
He didn't know what to do
Then he smiled a mischievous grin
and looked at me
     Don't you know
     You aren't supposed to stop running
          from your dark side?
     he said that to me
     as if I'd won a great victory
And still he wanted to know why
but I didn't know what to say
still trying to catch my breath
I wanted to say something noble and bold
About how there's nothing to fear but fear
And say something wise
     about courage and wisdom
     and all that I have learned
          while on this life long chase
but the only reason that seemed honest
     was the reason that was the simplest
That sometimes
     you are just too tired to run

Oh, please blame me
It feels so good
to have meaning in your life
     if only to unburden all that guilt
No, I don't mind
without you and your shame
     what would I do
     with myself all day
Don't think for a moment
that I don't enjoy my job
of protecting you from you
Everyone needs a reason to get out of bed
I've got nothing better to do
     there are dishes to be washed
     cats to be fed
     and stories to be told
So, don't mind me
     and I know you won't
You are adept
     at pretending
     to need me
     more than life itself
But incapable
     of hearing
     the sarcasm
     in my words

A little suicide please
     for attention
Nothing in the world works so well
Pity please
     the knife at the heart
     the gun at the head
Give me what I want
A splendid funeral
     with lots of flowers
     and many grieving mourners
or maybe I'll end up dead
It's so violent
     the blood and the bullet and the blade
     and the way they mix
It's so easy to play this role
am I Othello, Juliette or MacBeth?
And it's all so subtle the way they mix
   the violence, the ease and desire
   to pretend to long for my own demise
Walking along the edge of the grave
but never really getting close
The soul has no destination
     but it tugs on your conscience
Read the eulogy
Spare no detail
And please
     tell me how great I was

"Adagio" by Samuel Barber