TITLE: Chapter One : I'll Never Walk Away Again
SERIES : All That You Want Series
AUTHOR: LJSAngel
EMAIL: LJSAngel@supanet.com
DISCLAIMER: I sooo wish.  And the series title comes from Dido's song on the album No Angel.  it rocks so get it now.  I especially love this song.  However some characters are mine.  Like Leigh.  And Alissa.
TIMELINE:OK.  this might be a little difficult to get.  After IWRY, Buffy fell into the arms of Riley Finn, too drunk to know what happened.  Buffy and Angel have had no contact since thanksgiving '99.  Rest of Season 1 + 2 happened but without the events of "Sanctuary" or the Scooby Gang doing anymore crossovers.  but Angel's still gonna Shanshu and all.  'What if' kinda deal.  Set in 2005.
SPOILERS: Yep.  Everything up to IWRY and a little beyond.
SYNOPSIS:  It's 2005 and Angel finally gains his reward - humanity - and goes to Sunnydale.  However, Buffy has already married Riley Finn.  He discovers a little blonde girl with brown eyes at Giles's door and starts to wonder..
AUTHOR'S NOTES:  The whole Buffy Angel no contact thing.  Riley and Buffy aren't so sick bucket worthy now too.  Ooh, and written from Angel's P.O.V. 'cept the bits he couldn't be there for.  they're in normal 3rd person narrative.  And set in 2005
FEEDBACK:Whadyya know ?  YES !!  You do realize that it's what I LIVE for?  Medically advised.  Doc says that if I don't get feedback I would just wither away.  You don't want that on your conscience do you?
RELATIONSHIP: Buffy/Angel  Buffy/Riley
RATING: PG-13 or 12
CONTENT: V. mild curse words.  Mentions of sex.

L.A.  October  2005

God I had a bad dream.  I woke up and I found myself not in me.  It was a weird feeling.  Also, hearing my breathing quicken is pretty new as well.  I shanshu-ed about 3 months ago and I'm still getting used to it.  But not to the pain.  I'll never get used to the pain and the hurt I feel so much now.

Buffy got married.

About 6 months ago to Riley Finn.  Riley.  God I hate him with everything I am.  My existence.  It takes all of my strength and willpower not to drive back to Sunnydale and take her in my arms, let her feel my heart beat.  Like our one day.

It still haunts me yet it's the only thing keeping me going.  Keeping hope alive.  I still haven't figured out what I'm gonna do.

Cordy, who got her own T.V. show about 2 months ago is trying to get me a part on it.  I had to laugh when i heard what it's about.  Cordelia plays this girl in a Dawsons Creek world who's unwittingly fallen in love with a vampire.  God, it's funny.  Ironic isn't it ?  She complains every day on that set about her vamp having no 'Grr' face.  Gotta love her.  Her and Gunn are still together.  She finally found someone who appreciates her and loves her.  Any day now, Gunn will ask her to marry him.  He still fights demons.  He got kinda weird about Cordelia bringing home the bread so he got a job working as a bodyguard.  Cor gets jealous when she sees him all tuxedoed up and protecting some beautiful actress.  He's really good and a lot of stars depend on him and he's got great charisma for the gig.  They really go well together, balancing each other out.  They can well afford to move out of Cordelia's apartment but why would they?  Cordelia fell in love with it first time she saw it and it's got Dennis who Cordelia loves like a brother.

Wesley went back to Sunnydale after I became human and helps Giles and the others now.  He met Alissa there and he really likes her.  He calls me a lot to check in, see how i'm doing, give me Buffy updates.  Just the basics.  If she's OK, if she's been hurt.  I think details of her happiness would kill me.

And details of the old gang's life.  Tara and Willow are still together although Willow went through a long grieving period when Oz was killed.  He called Willow to tell her that he was coming back to see her about something really important.  He was 'cured' but not as cured as he thought he was.  Buffy ran into Cain, the wolf hunter dragging a dead werewolf body behind him. A silver bullet.  Only thing that can kill a werewolf.  We didn't have any proof because all human traits disappear once the wolf is shot with a silver bullet but Willow knew it was him.

Xander and Anya got married two years ago.  Xander probably did it out of fear but she moved into his place before that and now they're expecting a baby.  I know they're happy.  Giles's girlfriend Olivia moved to Sunnydale and they married after Buffy did.  She really seems to make him happy.

Spike went to Europe to get his chip out and nobody's heard from him since.  Knowing Spike, I'll see my childe before the rest do.  Or my former childe.  I'm not sure what he is now i'm no longer a vampire.  I can't sense Dru as well or any of the others as i used to, but I get a funny feeling, bubbly.

So everyone's moved on and is happy except from me.  I'm still here in this hotel, alone.  Without Buffy.  I'm human and allowed to touch her but not.  She belongs to somebody else.  Her heart, is with Riley.

So I'm lying here staring at the ceiling doing nothing.  It's really all I've done since I became human.  Sleep and think about Buffy.

I don't know what'll happen tomorrow or what i'm gonna do.  I had eternity before me alone and not I've got another 50 years.  I wanted to spend it all with Buffy.  I have no purpose, no calling.

I can hear the phone ringing down in the reception.  Sighing I get up and go downstairs to answer it.  But I'm too late and the machine gets it.

"This is Angel Investigations"  Really should get that changed.  Haven't been very investigat-y recently.  "Leave a message and we'll save you as soon as."  Gotta love Cordelia.  I'll just let the machine get it all and go back up to bed.

"Angel.  It's Wesley.  i need your help."  I turn around.  "Buffy was attacked by a demon last night"  I know I should pick it up but my fingers aren't working right.  I'm frozen by fear.  All I'm thinking is car-drive-to- Sunnydale.  I do that and don't hear the rest of the message.

"Don't come here.  Angel trust me.  I'll come and see you.  Call me as soon as you get this."

I drive up in front of Giles's house and pull the keys out the ignition and run to the front door.  i couldn't have got here quicker.  I knock on the door strongly.  God I haven't thought this through.  Oh God she doesn't know i'm human.  I told Wes not to tell her.  Oh God how can i be in the same room?

Too late now.  The door opens and I look down.  There's a little blond girl with a huge smile spread across her face wearing jean dungarees.  She's about 5 years old.  Her hair's long and reaches quite far down her back.  One of her shoes aren't tied.  Her eyes are... familiar.

"Hi," i say to her.

She kind of hides behind the door shyly.

"You're not shy are you," I tease.  She giggles.  "Is Giles there?  Rupert Giles?"  She nods vigorously.

"UNCY GILES !" She yells.

"Who's at the door Leigh-Leigh?"

"A man!" She yells back.  She's got a pair of lungs on her.  Giles appears behind her.

"Oh.  A-Angel," he stutters surprised.

"Giles," I half smile.  "Sorry to show up unannounced."

"Uncy Giles," Leigh says in a whispery voice holding onto his leg and hiding behind him a little.  "Is this an angel?"

"No Leigh, his name is Angel," Giles kindly says to the little girl.  "Angel."

"Oh.  Hi Angel," she smiles bashfully.

"Hi," I say back.  I'm strangely mesmerized by this little girl.

"Do come in," Giles says holding the door open.

I walk in and look around.  Nothing seems to have changed.  There's a new sofa but it's the same old place.

"Can I get you something?" Giles says taking his glasses off.

"Did, um, did Wesley.."

"Yes he did Angel.  W-Well I believe congratulations are in order," Giles says.

"Thanks and um, could I have some tea."

"Tea.  Yes.  Of course.  Right, be back in a minute."

Giles walks away into his kitchen and I sit down on the new sofa.  Leigh's peeking out behind the edge.

"So your name's Leigh huh ?"

"Yup.  And you're an angel.  I mean, your name is Angel," she says sitting on the coffee table in front of me.  "I like your hands," she says softly.  I laugh.

"My hands.  What do you like about my hands?"

"They're big," she says proudly as if they were her own.  i have to laugh again.  "Mine's are only little.  Measure?"

"Sure," I say softly.  i lean forward a bit and we touch hands.  Her little hot palm against my larger one.  i can't help smiling.

"Oh," Giles murmurs softly.

I turn around and Giles is standing holding a cup of tea.  "Giles, are you OK ?"

"Fine.  No i'm perfectly fine," he flusters.  "H-Here's your tea"  He sits it down on the edge of the table away from Leigh.  "Watch the hot cup now Leigh."

"OK," she smiles.  "Look Uncy Giles.  Angel and i's hands.  His are big."

"I see them," Giles beams.  "But you're still a little girl and yours will grow big too."

"Not as big as Angels.  His are cool!" She says emphasizing the last word so much it makes me laugh again and Giles chuckle.

She jumps down by putting her two hands on my knees and slipping off the table.  "Try and catch me," she says with a wicked twinkle in her eye.

"I'll never catch you," I say to her.  "You're way too fast."

"But try," she says ducking under my leg and running away.

"Leigh, you'll trip and fall," i say darting from my position on the couch going the opposite way around and catching her in my arms.  I sit her on the chair at Giles desk that's near the door.  "Shoe lace," I grin.

"Aw man," she says.  "You caught me."

"We'll go again once I tie your shoe lace," I promise.

"I can't do them.  I try but I can't," she complains.

"Well I'll do it for you," I say.  "And show you so that you can do it."

"Mommy showed me and I can't do it," she said sticking her lip out in a pout.  It looks remarkably like... can't be.

"You can," I say soothingly.  "Look."  I take her right shoe lace tie it and make two loops.  "Right first you do a knot like this."

"I can do that."

"Then make two big loops and hold them like this.  Cross them over and put one over the over and pull," I say finishing the lace tying in slow motion.

"I could do it that way," she says quietly.  I straighten up her shoelace a bit so it doesn't dangle off the ground and then the door opens.

I turn round to see who it is.  Who I desired it to be and who I feared it would be.

"Buffy," I say softly.

"Angel," she returns in an equal tone to my own longing one.  I get up off my knees from helping Leigh with her laces.

"Mommy!" Leigh says jumping down and wrapping her little arms around Buffy's waist.  Mommy.  Buffy has a daughter.  Buffy is a mom.

She bends down and lifts Leigh up and kisses her head.  Leigh kisses Buffy's cheek and giggles.  She kicks her legs out further for Buffy to see.

"Look Mommy, Angel tied my laces!  He showed me how.  I could do it."

"That's wonderful honey," she says softly glancing at me.  I stand there not sure what to do.  Thank god the silence was broken by Giles voice behind me.

"I trust patrol was successful," he says.

"Fine," she says putting Leigh back on the chair and then kneeled in the position i had been in only moments earlier.

"Leigh, Giles will take you up to his bed for a little nap.  If you ask nicely," she looks round at her Watcher.  "He might read you a story."  Giles nods lovingly.

"Yeah!" Leigh says.  "Can Angel come?  Angel, Giles tells the best monster stories.  Scary.  Grr argh!" She says sliding down Buffy and running over to me.  She tugs at my hand.  Her tiny hand slips easily in mine.  I feel torn apart inside.

"I'd um, love to Leigh but I think I need to talk to your mommy for a minute," i say swallowing.  i see it all now.  She has Buffy's perfect face, her nose, her golden hair.  She looks like Buffy so much I want to cry.  And her father whoever he could be.. Riley.  He must have done something so right in his life to have Buffy as a wife but must have been a saint to be blessed with this little girl that stands in front of me.

"I need to talk to the man sweetie," Buffy says gazing at her daughter.

"OK mommy," she says going over and kissing her knee.  I smile and I can see Buffy nearly crying.  She takes Giles hand and he leads her upstairs.  Then they stop mid-flight.  Buffy is supporting her head with one hand.

"Mommy?" She says in a small voice.

"Yes sweetie?" She says quickly drying her tears.

"His name is Angel," she says simply.

"Sorry Hunny?" Buffy says not understanding.

"His name is Angel.  I just thought you might got confused."

"Thanks Leigh-Leigh.  Have a good nap."

"I will," she says confidently leading Giles up the stairs.

Buffy holds her head in both hands and pushes her hair back.

"How was--" I start before she cuts me off.

"Outside.  I don't want Leigh to hear us," she says firmly and opens the door.  I follow her out.

"Bu--"

"What the Hell are you doing here?" She says more frustrated than angry.

"Hi to you too."

"I think we can skip the pleasantries.  Six goddamn years Angel, six years next month i last saw you or heard from you.  So how did you want me to react when I come home to find my daughters fallen for an 'angel'?"

"I-I..."

"You never change Angel.  You never will.  Literally.  So what are you doing here?  Why here and why now?  Things were going great and... Leigh.  She's young.  Too young to know or understand what Mommy does at nights.."

I try to speak over her.  "Buffy I think you're overreacting.."

"Look Leigh, Mommy pokes things with sharp stick and they disappear...." She says at the same time.

"... It's kinda precarious but you're obviously.."

"And the last thing she needs is to be playing with a monster."

I stop speaking and feel as if she ripped out my heart - my beating heart.  Which she doesn't know.  But that's what she thinks of me.

"Oh god Angel.. I didn't mean.  I'm sorry for Buffy went catatonic episode there.  I never meant.. Oh god..."

"You- you think I'm a.. monster ?"

"No."

"You don't want me near your daughter.  I'm a monster.  The only woman i've ever loved thinks i'm a monster..."

"God Angel no..."  She says reaching out to me.

"GO TO HELL !!" I roar.  Tears are freely flowing down my face.  I fall against Giles Spanish style seats out front.  I feel like I can't breathe.

"Angel please.." Buffy pleads sliding beside me.

"Buffy, leave me alone," I tell her shielding my face from hers.  "Please just.. leave.. me."  She stands up and goes back into Giles house.  I just curl up and let all the hurt come out.  I swear she can hear me cry.  I swear I can feel her tears too.

Buffy shut the door behind her and slid down it.  She buried her head in her knees.  Then she heard footsteps and dried her eyes.  She stood up.

"Buffy, Leigh's asleep," Giles said yawning.  "She can stay there.  i feel you're in no state to return home."

"OK.  Thank you.  I'm gonna go kiss her goodnight."

"Dare I ask where Angel is?"

"Hell mentally probably," Buffy said walking past him slowly.  She quickened her pace upstairs and looked at Leigh.  She sat on the nearby chair Giles used for laying his clothes out.  She started feeling the tears flowing again.

 Mommy?" Leigh said turning over.

"Yes honey," Buffy replied softly.  She came over to the bed and hugged the small child on the bed.  "Leigh, you're shivering."

"Where's Angel?" She asked quietly.

"He's.."

"I hear you haved a fight.  He's upset isn't he Mommy?"

"Yes Angel's very upset Leigh-Leigh.  Mommy hurt him very badly."

"Oh.  You called him a monster.  Is he-"

"No," Buffy was quick to correct her daughter.  "He's not.  He's the furthest in this world we have from being a monster.  Cept you."

"So he really is an angel."

"In a way.  Why do.. why do you like him so much Leigh?"

"He's nice and he's soft and he has big hands.  And he owes me a game of tag.  His eyes are nice," she said snuggling into her mother in the bundle of covers.  Buffy pulled her in closer to her chest.  "Why do you like him mommy?"

"What makes you think I like him?"

"Well he said that he loves you outside so I thought you gotta like someone for that."

"What are you, 35?  You're just past five yet you know more than I do."

"Why did he use the, um, the word.  The place.  Why did he use that word mommy?"

"He was upset.  mommy made him sad."

"Oh."

I need to apologize to Buffy.  I can't.. i can't leave it like that.  i need to see her.

I open the door gently and close it equally so.  I nod to Giles and he looks upwards to
his room.  He mouths that he's going out for a while.  Softly i climb the stairs and lean at the edge listening for the right moment to announce my presence.  Too late.

"Angel.. look Mommy he didn't leave.  Angel come over here with me and mommy."

Buffy is huddled up on the bed with Leigh and she's gently rocking her.

"Got room for one more?" I ask Buffy hopefully.  I've already got Leigh's approval.

"Sure," Buffy says wistfully.  I walk over.

"You have to take your shoes off," Leigh warns me with a look.  "Uncy Giles will not be happy.  Auntie Willow says he's too English to be upset sometimes but I know he would be."

I take off my shoes and sit them gently and the foot of the bed.  Then I bring another blanket from Giles cupboard over and drape it around Buffy's shoulders and Leigh's tiny body.

"In," she insists.

"You really are as stubborn as your mother," I grin.  Buffy tickles Leigh's cheek slightly.  So I get in and her tiny feet and stubby legs fall over mine.  She wriggles her toes.

"Are you both friends again?" Leigh asks us both.  I stare at Buffy.  We need to talk but for now its' not necessary.

"Yeah.  Buds again," Buffy says to Leigh and to me.  I nod.

"Sing me a bedtime song," Leigh says almost losing breath from excitedness like little people often do.  She sighs to regain her balance again.

"You don't want me to sing," I promise the little girl.  She wraps her hand round three of my fingers.

"So, tell me a story."

"OK.  Three Bears?"  She shakes her head.  "You want.. a monster story?"

"A fairy tale."

"Once upon a time, in this magical land, there lived a princess."

"Was she beautiful?"

"Very.  But she was very lonely.  One day she met a handsome man.  He worked outside the palace and didn't live in her world."

"What did he do?"

"He helped people.  Or tried to.  They fell in love.  But the man couldn't be with the princess because a.. warlock put a spell on him."  Her eyes went wide and she smiled.

"Was it a ugly warlock that putted the spell on him, with warts and everything?"

"Hey you gonna let Angel tell the story?" Buffy protested playfully.  I continue.

"Yeah.  Really gross.  When the man felt happy, everything he loved was taken away.  His heart.  Which meant he didn't love the princess anymore.  And he didn't want that.  So after it happened once, he decided it wasn't safe to be around her so he decided to leave the kingdom forever.  The princess moved on and found another prince who wasn't cursed and could give her everything she wanted."  Leigh yawns and then closes her eyes slowly.  "The handsome man watched from afar as the princess got everything he wished she could have.  The princess lived  happily ever after and the handsome man got to be safe in the knowledge she was loved."

"Do they get back together?" Leigh said opening her eyes quickly.

"What?  That was supposed to put you to sleep.  Lamest fairy tale I ever heard," i grin.  "And we don't know.  Nobody does."

"Bet I know their names," she says giggling in a sing song voice.

"Who?" I asks.  Leigh looks at her mom who's giving her this piercing look.  She giggles and pulls the sheets over her head.

"Bangel and Uffy," she giggles as Buffy pulls the sheets off.

"Hey kid you should be sleeping," Buffy said half tackling her daughter.  "Give me a kiss."  Leigh bunched Buffy's cheeks together and planted a wet kiss on her lips.  "That was a slobbery one," Buffy smiled tucking Leigh again into bed.

"Night Leigh," I say getting off the bed.

"Wait," she said climbing out of the nest Buffy constructed for her.  Kneeling up she lightly kissed my forehead.  She smiled and then dove back into bed.  I can't move.  i can't believe.  I smile finally and look at Buffy who is just as shocked as me.  She tucks Leigh in again and kisses Leighs cheek and turns off the light.

"Sweet dreams," I wish her.

"Don't let the bed bugs bite Bangel," she giggles turning over.  "He, Bangel."

Buffy and I go downstairs.  She leans against the wall.

"Buffy I'm sorry for earlier--" She seals my lips with the touch of her finger.

"It's OK.  We can skip apologies.  Up there.."

"I'm sorry cuz I know you don't.."

"It was beautiful."  I meet her gaze.  "It's weird how she really trusts you.  Really likes you.  She says it's cuz you're soft."

"I suppose I'm kinda squidgy round the edges.  I shouldn't really be here."

"Glad you are."  Before I go to kiss her, I physically throw myself away and stare at the ground.

"She's Riley's isn't she ?"

Buffy nods.  "We all live in a house the edge of town..."

"When was she born ?"

"27th of August 2000," Buffy says.

August.  Five years ago in August.  That means she was conceived in.. November.  That's near Thanksgiving.  Near when Buffy and I.. our day.. our forgotten day when I go to feed her ice cream, kiss her in the sunlight and make love to her.  The day I was human.  She could be.. mine.  Could she?

Can you say false hope Angel?  Day erased?  Ring any bells?

"Angel.. What is it?" Buffy says.  "You have math face.  You're working out when he was conceived.  God.  I know this makes me some slut but it was after i came back from L.A.  I was at a party and Riley was there.  I was drunk.  Not just drunk drunk but the old can't-remember-whatcha-did-last-night drunk.  Riley was that drunk as well.  You don't need to hear this."

"I don't.  So it was around Thanksgiving.  Have you done a paternity test?"

"What?  You think there was others?  What do you take me for?"

"Buffy I--"

"I have never done anything like that before that night.  And I--"

"Buffy please calm down.  I need you to do a paternity test."

"What?  I'm not putting my child, my husband, myself through that so you can be certain.  not unless you give me a reason."

"I-I I think Leigh is my daughter.  And i think you do too.  Her eyes.  it hit me."

"Do you realise how crazy that sounds?" Buffy sdays shocked.  She looks straight into me.  "She has your eyes.  I look into them I see you.  i try not to but I can't stop seeing you," Buffy says mesmerized.  then she snaps out of it.  "But it doesn't make her yours."

I tell Buffy the story.  The day I was supposed to carry the memory of alone.  Everything.

"You.. gave it up.  For me.  And the day never erased Leigh."

"I don't think so.  Please Buffy.  Have faith in me."

"You are my faith."

"You believe me?"

"I think i've always known but denied it.  but Riley--"

"--Is still your husband."

"And nothings changed with us."

I grin remembering the vital information I've left out.  "Come here."

"What?"

"Please."  I take her hand in mine and press it against my heart.

"Beating," she blurts out excitedly.  "It's beating.  You're.. alive?"  I nod.  She feels my cheek and my head.  "It's warm.  You're alive.  Wait.  How long?"

"3 months after you got married."

"You jerk!  Wesley must known - and Giles!  Let's all have a game of let's keep a secret from Buffy and see how fun it gets?!  Why didn't you.."

"Show up and runaway with you?  Would you have?"

"If you asked me to die, I would.  And I really thought that Riley and I didn't have sex that night.  Other times I felt no deja vu.  As in, 'Oh that's been there before' y'know ?"

I laugh.  i'm too happy to be jealous.

"You are still married."

"I can join the 50 percentile of this nation and divorce."

"But Leigh needs.."

"She needs her dad.  It all fits Angel.  except the i don't remember factor.  Leigh knows you're her dad.  She just can't express it.  I feel it.  You know it.  i never had sex that night."

"We can see the Oracles.  help you remember."

"The who?"

"Oracles.  They.."

Buffy suddenly keeled over and screamed in pain.  I caught her and cradle her against my chest.

"Buffy.  God Buffy are you.." I say smoothing her hair back praying something hasn't hurt her.

"I remember," she says looking into my soul.  My permanent human attached soul.  "Everything."  Tears trail down her cheeks.  "The ice cream, the table, when you kissed me in sunlight.  God we were happy."

"We were."  I wipe the tears away with my thumb.

"And we have a second chance now Angel  Don't walk away.  You're not only walking away from me, you're walking away from Leigh.  Angel you can hurt me but dammit don't hurt her as well.  I won't let you"

"I'm not going anywhere," I promise.

"Should we tell Leigh?" She says glancing at the stairs.  She looks back at me and then feels my chest again.  My heart.

"Mommy, i can't sleep," Leigh complains trailing down the stairs rubbing her tired eyes.  Buffy meets her at the stairs and lifts her over to the sofa where we sit.

"Leigh-Leigh," she says as Leigh leans against her chest.  She yawns and it's so cute I think I'm going to melt away in big puddle of happiness.  "We have something to tell you.  It's gonna be confusing OK?  but you're smart so you'll get it.  OK.  Your daddy, Riley...."

"He isn't my daddy is he?" She says still against her moms chest.  Buffy slowly slides her back and looks at her daughter.  Our daughter.  God i'm so excited.  I'm tingling and I have a fizzing sensation in my stomach.

"Pumpkin, how'd you know?"

"I haved a dream."

"Oh.  Well stranger things have happened.  OK so Riley though he loves you, isn't your daddy.  Angel is.  We just found out now sweetie and didn't want to keep it from you."

"Leigh," I say softly.  She holds out her hand palm up and I engulf it with my larger hand.  I pull her over to me and she wraps her small arms round my neck and squeezes tightly, never letting me go.  I feel the tears coming now.  I squeeze my eyes shut and I can feel her soft hair against my face.  She pulls back and I can see she's crying.

"Leigh.. what's wrong?" I ask softly, so wanting to kiss away any hurt she has and make it better.  Shield her from everything wrong in the world.

"I knew you would come for me," she says in a tiny voice.  "I dreamed about you."

"Sweetie.." Buffy says touching her arm.

"I never telled you Mommy cuz I was a-scared."

"You don't have to be scared ever again," i promise meaning every word.

"I know," she whispers and hugs me again.  She kisses my cheek and I kiss her cheek and we hug again.   Buffy's crying as well and I wrap another arm around her and pull my new family close to my heart.

After what I hope was an eternity, we all fall back from each other.

"I'm tired Mommy...." She looks at me.  "Daddy."

I think I just fell apart with love, pride and joy.  Daddy.  Daddy.  I'm a dad.

"Daddy, you'll be here in the morning," she says her voice trying to disguise her anxiety but not very well because it was high and shrill.  It nearly kills me to see that expression on her face.  Her eyes wide, her eyebrows knitted, her little teeth clenched together.

"I wouldn't be anywhere else," I tell her trailing a finger down her nose and to her tummy button and tickling it.  She laughs and holds my finger.

"Though, Daddy, and I need to talk," Buffy says.  "Really.  So if you stayed here with Giles and we come back in the morning."

"We need to finish the fairy tale," I say softly.

"OK, but keep me posted on that," she says.  She jumps down and tugs my hand.  "Tuck me in?"

"Always," I say. and follow her up.

Giles came back 10 minutes after I went upstairs.  I just sat on the edge of the bed.  She had begged me to wait until she was sleeping.  Like Buffy used to do.  But I stayed long after watching her breathing.  Sighing in her sleep every so often.  She looked so sweet.

When Giles did come back I had to go attend to the other love of my life.

We went outside and then strangely didn't say a word until we were halfway down Giles street.

"Let's go to the mansion," I suggest.  "We can talk more there."

"Mansion sure.  Wait.  No."

"It'll be fine."

"You really don't want to go there."

"I really do."

So I rounded the corner and Buffy was still protesting that we go elsewhere.  I unearthed the key in a nearby plant pot and unlocked the front door.

I look around and everything's almost like it was.  But it's clean.  I haven't been here for 6 years and there's not a speck of dust.  And there's candles.

"I always come here," Buffy says wandering further into the mansion.  She takes a lighter and lights a taper.  Using the taper she lights about 12 candles.  "Just to be close to you.  Tried to make it nice."

Once all the candles were lit, I walked over to her.

"Buffy you are still married."

"Not caring at this point."

"So I'm going to kiss you OK?"

She nods and I softly touch my lips with hers.  It turns into a more passionate embrace.  She pulls her hair back and her top off.  She puts her hands on my hips still kissing me fiercely and to my old bed.  I sit down on it while she stays standing.

"I love you Buffy," I whisper.

"I love you Angel," she replies.  I take her into my arms and finally we can be fully be together.

Opening my eyes, the first thing I see is Buffy.  She looks so peaceful, so content sleeping there.  i think i'll just stay here, watch her breath in and out.  Every time we've made love, I've disappeared.  And I don't want to hurt her again.  It doesn't take long for her to stir and she groans and then opens her eyes fully.

"Morning," she smiles.

"Good morning."

"I like waking up to you."

"New experience and every day for the rest of your life."

"I should hope so."

We kiss again.  "I really don't want to rush but Leigh," I smile again thinking of my daughter.  Mine and Buffy's daughter.

"You want to go get her."

"I want to take her to the park and help her swing and take her for ice cream and then have you tell me off about it."

"I think that can be arranged."  She kisses my nose softly.  "Sounds like a good plan."

After a shower we're all ready to go out.  Buffy takes my hand and we walk outside the mansion into the daylight.

"We're in daylight," Buffy smiles to herself.

"We are.  No more darkness."

We arrive at Giles's house hand in hand like teenagers and she opens the door.  As she whispers something in my ear i notice the room full of people.

"Buffy," I murmur.

Willow is standing with Tara; Wesley told me remember, Anya and Xander are sitting on top of each other.  Giles is standing holding a cup of coffee.

"Hey Buffy, Angel," Willow says exploding in joy

"Giles.. did you?" Buffy starts.  He shakes his head.  Buffy nods back.

"Did he what?" Xander asks.  Willow hugs Buffy.

"What's with the huggy?"

"Angel - human.  Front door daylight," Willow says her eyes shining.  She hugs me.  "Ooh you're warm.  Yay people.  Angel's warm."

"Ok so I let one thing slip," Giles shrugged.

"Is Leigh awake?" Buffy asks.

"One thing?  What's the other?" Xander says.  Leigh runs over in her T-shirt and
shorts.

"Mommy.  Daddy!" She squeals jumping into my arms.  I really wanna get used to this.  I kiss her head.

"DADDY?!?" The other scoobies blurt out.

"Morning Leigh," i smile.  "Sleep well?"

"Yup.  But Xander waked me up," she moaned.  She squashes my cheeks together.  "Giles can my Daddy stay for breakfast?"

I'd say he'd better," Giles laughs.

"OK wait a minute.  Angel is Leighs dad?" Xander says standing up.  "How? Why? Back to HOW?"

"Long story Xand.  Tell you over breakfast," Buffy says yawning.

So Buffy explained all about the day and how she thought Riley and her had slept together.  Leigh sat on my knee and she insisted I feed her rice krispies even though Buffy said she was big and ugly enough to do it herself.  She laughed and clung onto my jumper with her tiny fist.

We spent all morning with everyone talking and laughing.  Like normal.  Like a family.  I've been human for 3 months but i had never felt like one.  And I have been on this earth for a good 250 years as a vampire and 26 more as a younger man but I have never once felt like it was to sit there with Leigh on my knee laughing and joking with everyone.

I am so glad i came back.

Later on, someone rapped on the door and Giles went to answer it.

"Oh.  Hello Riley," he said to the visitor.  At that second the happiness split.  Leigh clung onto me harder.  Riley walked in and then seen Leigh burying her face into my chest.

"Angel.  What the hell are you doing here?  And give me my daughter.  And Buffy what the Hell is he doing with her?" He roars.

"Riley we need to talk," Buffy says holding his arm.

"I want my child away from him.  He's a cold blooded killer - a vam, i mean a v-a-m-p-i-r-e."

Leigh's fingers went white from holding onto me that hard.  I sshhed her to calm her.

"Leigh come to daddy," he says in a softer tone outstretching his arms.  She turns away from him and rests on my shoulder.

"Riley outside," Buffy orders.

"No Buffy.  No."

"Riley, you want me to make you?  And I will," she growls.

"I'm not leaving him here with her.  She doesn't need to be around some centuries old undead bloodsucking ex of yours, OK?  I'm not leaving."

I cover her ears so she doesn't hear.  She whimpers at Riley's loudness and tone.

"You're scaring her," I say softly.  She holds onto me tighter by locking her strong legs round my waist.

"How would you know?"

"Close her eyes Angel," Buffy orders.  I place my hands over her eyes and then Buffy swiftly punches Riley who falls to the ground.  Buffy pulls Riley up and drags him outside half conscious.

"Hey lemme see!" She protests.  I take my hands off her eyes.  "Hey, where'd mommy go?"

Buffy sat Riley on the Spanish style seats and the he rolled back.

"OK first.  Never use that tone or language in front of my child again," Buffy yells at Riley.  "If you ever scare her like that again  I will personally rip your arms off."

"Our daughter."

"We'll get to that.  I have to tell you some stuff.  OK one.  Angel is not a monster.  He's human now.  Mortal.  And I don't wanna go into the whole Angel/Angelus personae breakdown right now but they're not the same guy. One is the human and the other the demon.  Next, i want to divorce."

Riley's jaw dropped.

"You're leaving me, leaving Leigh after your ex vampire hunny comes in town for an hour?"

"He got here last night.  And Riley, I'm 99% sure he's Leighs father."

"What?  You're.. you're taking away our marriage, now our daughter?  Five goddamn years we've spent as a family of you're 99% sure doesn't exist?"

"Riley, I know you love Leigh but last night, everything clicked.  The way she lights up around him.."

"Fairy lights light up around Christmas time!  You don't see them all paternal!"

"She's never been that way with you.  Because you're not her natural father."

"And he's natural?!"

"Riley you and i both know we never slept with each other that night we were drunk.  Leigh was conceived in L.A. two days before.  It's complicated.  Angel turned back time.."

"The weird just keeps on comin'."

"..And i had Leigh without telling him.  It was easier to believe she was yours.  Which is why we did."

"This is nuts.  I want a test.  One of those tests."

"Before breakfast i already booked one.  Today at 12.15.  We get the results in a hours time after it."

"What a well thought out plan.  Leigh is my daughter.  I have raised her--"

"Oh come off it Riley!  You hardly see her as it is.  You've never really read to her and you only play when she begs you."

"The military--"

"The military my ass.  If you really were her father you would act like Angel is in there and actually give a damn.  She would be clinging onto you.  But he is her father."

So we went and did the test.  Waiting for it was the hardest thing i've probably ever had to wait for.  Maybe with the exception of holding Buffy in my arms without guilt again.  6 years is a long wait.

"Ms Summers, Mr Finn, Mr.. Angel," the nurse says holding a clipboard

"Just Angel," I smile.

"OK," the nurse says.  "The doctor will see you now."

We all walk into the room, Buffy first and she sits down.  Riley and I both stand behind her.

"OK.  And where is Leigh Summers," the doctor asks looking at his results folder.

"In the crèche with Willow Rosenberg.  A friend," Buffy says.

"Very well.  The new screenings are 100% reliable," the doctor says looking at all of us.  "Recent developments have shown no margin for error.  The biological father of the child is Mr Angel."

"Just Angel," i smile quietly.  Buffy jumps up and hugs me, whispering 'I knew it, I knew it' in my ear.  In the corner of my eye i see a dejected Riley slipping out the room.  I hold Buffy back and go to get him.

"Riley!" I shout.  He turns round.  "I'm sorry."  I feel a little compassion for the boy right now.  But he took care of my family for six years.

He nods.  "Take care of them.  You'll never know how lucky you are til they're gone." Buffy appears at my side.  "For Leighs sake Buffy, I'll give you a quick divorce."

 "Thank you," Buffy says slipping her hand in mine.  he turns and then walks down the white hospital corridor alone.

"Mommy Daddy!" Leigh yells at the other end of the corridor.  She slips out Willows grasp and runs to us.  I sweep her up in my arms and pull Buffy in.

Buffy nods to Willow and Will gave her a big thumbs up as Tara appeared behind her.

Again i hold my new family and I am never gonna let them go.  After a while Leigh wriggles down and holds mine and Buffy's hand.

"Can we go home now?" She says.

"Yeah we can," Buffy says.  "But where?"

"I started redecorating the mansion but it's kinda unliveable.  So your moms house?"

"Good for me," Buffy says.

"What about McDoanlds?  I want a Happy Meal.  But the toy - I want a car not a stupid barbie.  The cars are for boys but daddy you can get it and give it to me and i'll give you my barbie," she says grinning and losing breath while she speaks cuz she's excited again.

"Welcome to family life," Buffy says grinning.

"I think I'm gonna love it," I grin and kiss Buffy while Leigh dances between us.

"Hey don't leave me out.  You can't do that," she says kind annoyed.  It's cute.

"I still owe you a game of tag," I remind her.  She takes off down the hall.  I pull Buffy to me and kiss her.  Leigh stops halfway down.

"Hey!" She shouts.  "You're a-pposed to be catching me!"

"Just giving you a head start munckin," I smile kissing Buffy again. Then I take off after Leigh and she squeals and giggles as I catch her and tickle her like crazy.

"Dad-day," she says giggling more.  I swing her round and then back to Buffy.  We kiss again.  "Could you stop slebbering daddy?  I don't think Mommy likes it."

"Oh Mommy likes it," I assure Leigh.

She nods.  "Big time."
 

27th of August 2006

It's Leighs sixth birthday today.  I can't believe i've spent 10 wonderful months with them already because time really flies.  The divorce came through a month ago because Riley was stationed in Cuba and couldn't complete the process.

I have a surprise.  I don't mean to take the sparkle away from my little girls day but she won't mind.  She really won't.

"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Leigh.  Happy birthday to you," Everyone sings as she blows out the six candles on her cake that Buffy and i made ourselves.

It's weird.  When I first seen Buffy on the steps of her school I never thought that a decade later we'd be baking our daughters birthday cake in the shape of a puppy.  I mean I fell in love with her knowing I could never be with her, but I never could have foresaw becoming human and having a family with her.  I wanted to.  I ached for it so badly but I never thought it could come true.  I was a vampire with a soul.  A former demon then pathetic excuse for an existence. And she changed that.  One glance of her walking down in front of her school and I wanted to change and help her. Become a person.  Because of her.  Buffy my love.

I bring out a smaller cake, the shape of a muffin from the kitchen and sit it on the picnic table next to her.

"Ooh cake," she grins.  Willow and Tara are sitting opposite fanning themselves with sun hats.  Xander's chasing Leigh and some of her friends around the garden and Anya's sitting back reading an 'Expecting' book.

"For me?" Buffy asks.  Leigh runs up and opens her mouth.

"For me?" she asks just as innocently.  I laugh.

"For me?" Xander asks appearing behind Leigh and swinging her round.

"Xan-DER," she giggles.  He places her back in her original position.  She's so dizzy she leans against Buffy's chair.

"Sorry munchkin," I say pulling her up to my lap.  She kisses my cheek and turns back round.  "This one's for mommy."

"Really?" Buffy says amused.

"It's a kind of Chinese cracker type of cake so you gotta break it open."

Playing along, Buffy splits the cake in two and sees the ring.  The most beautiful ring I had ever seen for her.  I knew i had to get it for her.

"Oh Angel.." She murmurs.

"Can I get the cake?" Leigh asks.  We all laugh.

"Buffy.  I'm sorry for losing all those years, for what I've done.  But it's all lead us to here and now.  I've loved you since you were fifteen and not one day have i stopped."  I place Leigh in my seat and get down on one knee.  "Buffy, will you marry me?"

"Yes," she says smiling.  "Yes I will."  We hug and kiss and then I slip the diamond ring on her ring finger.  She shrieks in joy and turns to Willow.  "I'm engaged!  i'm engaged!"

They hug and so does Xander.  Then Buffy picks up Leigh and she swings her round in happiness.

"Hey hey.  Getting a little dizzy here," Leigh protests.  Buffy stops and put her back on the ground where she falls down on the blanket.  Buffy kisses me and runs into the house to tell her mother in the kitchen.

We're married.  Never in my whole life have i been so happy.  Never.  We're at the reception.  Giles gave Buffy away.  Cordelia, Anya, Tara and Willow were bridesmaids.  Wesley and Gunn, my best men.  Xander was an usher.  I have one arm round Buffy and the other holding Leigh in her flower girl dress on my knee.

We get our picture taken as a family then with Joyce and the others.  Buffy's dad didn't show but she said she never wanted him to anyway.  She does.  He might have not been first choice to walk her down the aisle but he should have been there at least.

Our day was perfect.  And so will our life together.

I think i'm the luckiest man alive.