*There’s a thousand words I could say to make you come home*

Spike slammed his hand down. Watching dust float up from the table, he tried
to sort out his tumbled thoughts.

*Seems so long ago you walked away and left me alone…
And I remember what you said to me, you were acting so strange*

“Dru…” He whispered the name that had once ruled his existence. All he had
done for her, cared for her, and she just left… for Angel, for anyone but
him. She had never loved him. He understood that now, but he should have
read the signs.

*And maybe I was too blind to see that you needed a change*

But she had been gone so long now… over a year. Why couldn’t he just forget
her? He had been nothing to her. A toy, to be played with and discarded for
something prettier when it was torn and ragged. He watched his fist, curling
and uncurling his fingers as the clock sounded midnight.

*Was it something I said to make you turn away…
to make you walk out and leave me cold…*

And now… and now Buffy was gone too. Everyone that he had ever cared for –
gone. Drusilla, Buffy, his long dead family. “Anyone who ever bloody cared.
Or pretended to care.” He murmured softly, remembering his life, before
vampires named Drusilla and Angelus burst into it. And changed him. Forever.
Brought him into the world and turned him like a rabid dog upon everyone he
used to love.

*If I could just find a way to make it so that you were right here, right
now*

It hadn’t been much, but it was all he had. The vampire whom their naïve son
had become wouldn’t think of them for over a hundred years. Spike wondered
why he was now. All those years…what was it? Buffy made him feel, he knew
that. Now that she was gone, was the loss finally getting to him? “If only
someone was left for me. Could still believe I care, that I have emotions.”
It was barely audible, even to the vampire himself.

*Now I don’t wanna make excuses, baby
Won’t change the fact that you’re gone*

Standing, he left the musty room and wandered into the small garden outside.
Spike stopped at one flowering bush and plucked a small dark rose. Taking in
the rich smell with his heightened senses, the vampire looked up at the
night’s full moon. Time seemed to freeze as he stood there, in tune with
nature for the first time in his existence.

*But if there’s something that I could do, won’t you please let me know*

Then the scene, so similar to ones at Angel’s house a few years ago, got to
him. Throwing the rose into a pond, he sat morosely on the nearby bench. Dru
had left him so easily for Angelus. Like their 100 years hadn’t meant
anything to her. His pet, his darling, for so long. He had been hurt, then.
His first real feelings, he knew. He even kept his recovery a secret,
helping the Slayer to kill Angel. “It’s in the past. She’s dead and we’re
all better off. The Slayer’s dead and the worlds in chaos.” At least in
Sunnyhell.

*The time is passing so slowly now, guess that’s my life without you…
And maybe I could change my everyday, but baby I don’t want to*

Buffy burst into his world. Of course, he knew who she was. Trying to kill
her so many times when Angel was still her lap dog. But never succeeding.
Some how she always got away. But then, she’d never been able to kill him
either. She certainly tried.
“Great start for a relationship” he murmured slightly, a half smile on his
face.

*So I’ll just hang around and find some things to do…
To take my mind off missing you*

Then, just three months ago, she was dead. Sacrificing herself to save her
sister’s life. Spike thought fondly of the Nibblet. To get caught in
something like this at such an age… Buffy was wrenched from them. Just as
Spike felt he had reached her.

*And I know in my heart, you can’t say you don’t love me too…
Please say you do, yeah*

Now he would never have the chance to really know Buffy. And Dru was dead.
Was it him? Did he push them away? Was that his curse, to love but be hated,
or thrown away?

*I’ve been sitting here
Can’t get you off my mind
I’m tryin my best to be a man and be strong
I drove myself insane wishing I could touch your face…
But the truth remains,
You’re
Gone*

Spike moved out of the garden. It was too late for him now.

*What will I do if I can’t be with you
Tell me where will I turn to,
Baby who will I be…
Now that we are apart, am I still in your heart?
Baby why can’t you see that I need you here with me*

(one month later)

Storming into the Summers’ house looking for Dawn, he stopped short.
 “Buffy…” he said so low nobody heard him. She was back. Somehow she had
come back. But there was pain in her glorious eyes. What had they done to
her? Finally, he knew he had a chance. At last. He sat down and held her
bleeding hands. Staring into her hurt gaze, the vampire knew that he had to
be there for her now. No matter what.