"You got over me long ago Buffy!" Angel growls.

Got over him?  Got OVER him?  Yeah sure if got over means the polar opposite of what I actually am.

"Over you?  Please, I will never get over you!" I yell.  I feel all this Angel related anger and resentment build up and i'm sorry, but he's the outlet.

"I think about you every single day.  I think about you when i wake up.  I think 'hey what's Angel doing now?  Maybe sleeping'.  Then for the next 15 minutes I think about calling you, finally talking myself out of it as I go to class.  For the next lecture, all I think about is what i could say to you that won't sound stupid or immature.  Then at lunchtime I think you maybe get up or so.  I picture you in front of the mirror, staring at nothing and feeling lonely.  I imagine your cute bed head hair.  Then comes the part where I'm in it.  I walk through the door and kiss your neck.  I smooth your hair for you and you laugh.  We kiss and then you take me to your bed.  And we lie there, not saying anything.  Just happy being with each other.  My fingers are laced through yours and you kiss each individual one.  Everything else is just a filler in my day.  My life is turning into one big fantasy with you sometimes interrupted with commercial breaks of the Will, Xand and demon fighting kind.  Sometimes my mind wanders, and I think about you when I'm supposed to be slaying.  I think about the times you would come to the graveyard with me and we'd patrol together.  We'd laugh and smoochies also big on the programme."

"Buffy.." Angel says so softly.  He's melting.  And when he touches me I finally feel alive. It sends tingles through my body, exciting me, breathing new life into me.  He just brushes my hand and everything falls back into place where it should be.

I know I shouldn't be here.  I shouldn't.  Why am I here?  In LA, in his hotel.  Letting him touch my hand on the counter.  I came here to see if he could help with Glory Hell-bitch not to tell him every waking moment of my day.  But those eyes bring it out of me for some reason.

Two deep, deep chocolate pools of brown that I dissolve under.  Oh my God his eyes.  Nothing in the world could compare to that.

// "Why is it that Angel and Dracula have so much power over you?"  //

OK Dracula, that was actual mind screwing power.  That's why Drac had power over me you stupid Iowa farmboy, sorry, my beautiful human boyfriend.  Like duh.  It's not something that I can help OK?  Dracula has actual powers.  Hey heres an idea, go shout at Xander for eating bugs because that was all his fault.  Hell no, Dracula never used any mind powers Xander just likes the chewy goodness.

But Angel.  Angel has power over me because he holds my heart, my soul.  Like I hold his.  He told me that.  In the mansion.  He whispered it in my ear after I went to sleep.  But there's no sleep around Angel but in his arms.  He whispered that for however long he stays on this earth, he'll never stop loving and thinking about me for one second.  No one could love him like i could which is why i hold his soul- his curse.  And i hold his heart because he couldn't imagine a better or more frustrating unlife like the one loving me.

A few days later, he told me in the sewers it was over.

It is never over.

He's a fool to think otherwise.  It doesn't matter if we're apart for 13 months or 13 years, as soon as I'll always love him exactly the same.  No love will ever be lost or mistrusted in the heart of another.

And I have to deal with it.  Every single minute of every day that he doesn't want me, he keeps walking away and rejecting me.

No no no, I know he wants me.  I feel it deep inside, in this hollow part.  It fizzes and bubbles everytime I see him.  So much so I can't do anything rational around him.

He still runs though.  Walks, disapears but always lurking nearby.

"Angel, it's killing me slowly.  The want, the passion and need.  It'll kill me.  I need you.  Here.  Protecting me and my heart as it gets broken and torn.  Like you said you wanted to do the first time you saw me.  Do you now?" I challenge.

"Oh Buffy," he says swallowing steeping forward to embrace me.  I leap back like I've been shocked.  It's my Angel-Heartbreak-O-Meter coming into play.  it put me on the defence when Angels' sucking me under with the voice, or the eyes or the general Angel-ness.

"Don't Oh Buffy me!!  I used to think a moment in your arms was worth the hurt afterwards but now it's ungodly, unbearable soul tearing pain that leaves me wailing on the bathroom floor for a hour.  And I can't go through that again!  I know you still love me but why don't you show it?  Why don't you say it?"

"That would be easier?" He asks looking straight at me.  "I love you Buffy, oh God I love you.  I love you so much I would do anything to see you laugh, see you smile.  You don't get that in my world."

"I get pure joy in your world.  Every other kind is tainted because it's Angel-less."

"You know what you just said, about what you think about during the day?  I think about that too.  Comtemplating whether to call, working out what to say.  I have to force myself to make new reasons for not driving back to Sunnydale each day.  I imagine what you're doing too."

"You do?"

"But with your imaginings, they do actually happen.  I do get up and stare at an empty mirror.  You know I have bed head.  And I think about you.  But in my dreams, you're alone.  Which you're not in real life.  You'll be with Riley," he said spitting out his name with venom.  "Letting him run his hands through your hair, letting him kiss you and letting him make love to you.  And I can't think about that because that killsme."

"You let me go because we couldn't have sex?  Angel that means nothing.  Yes, I desire to be that close to you and sometimes it is too much, but in my fantasy, you don't make love to me.  You lie beside me.  My basis of my relationship with Riley is.. sex.  It's not important and it's never one millioneth as good as my first time.  It's only flesh with him.  With you it's so much more and it feels so much more.  It makes me happy, crazy insane but happy."

"Just flesh?"

"He's never scratched the surface of me Angel."

"So why did you.. chose him.. when i came to Sunnydale and we fought.. you chose him."

"I never chose anyone.  I was waiting for you Angel.  Waiting for you to tell me you love me.  You just had to snap your fingers and I would have dropped everything."

"You know I love you."

"Maybe I just needed to hear it.  It's so meaningless when he says it.  Remember at the Bronze, when you gave me your leather jacket?  I looked at you and knew you loved me.  But you never said it, not until my 17th birthday.  And that meant something so much that he could never give me.  It was hard for you to but you did against everything that should be.  He just loves me because I fucked him even though we only started seriously dating for a couple of weeks."

Angel's eyes went wide and I thought for a moment his jaw was gonna hit the floor.  Then came the hurt.  Well done Buffy, you hurt him again.  But he needs to hear this.

"Yes Angel, I'm a slut.  Your pure beautiful Buffy is a slut.  The same Buffy you showed the ropes to as a seventeen year old.  I slept with Parker Abrams.  First date.  How's that for easy?  Oh and Spike.."

He quickly covers my mouth with his cool hand.  "Buffy, please."

"Please what?  Angel this is why you left.  So your Buffy could have big dirty meaningless sex.  Because you couldn't give me that so I had to work off all my sexual tension elsewhere with as many guys as I could pick up."

"Buffy!"

"Oh and I can outlast any man any time with me and my Slayer proweress.  Oh yeah Angel.  Riley can never keep up, trust me.  So I go to Spike and he--"

"Buffy please stop," he begs looking away from me.

"OK so I was totally making up the last part when I mentioned Spike.  Oh my God I think I nearly made myself sick.  Anyway, I need you to know it's not important to me.  It's not as important as you make me feel."

"What are you saying Buffy?  You want to get back together?"

"Angel I've never not wanted to get back together.  All you had to do was ask.  All you had to do was look my way and I would come running.  Why are your eyes closed so tight that you can't see exactly what I want?  Who I want?"

"Buffy you know what I want.  I want it so much it's going to get people killed."

"Angel, two and a half years ago I told you to close your eyes.  Did you ever open them?  Did you ever see how I'm destroying myself with the sex and the booze?"

"What?  You were drinking?"

"After Parker I drank - heavily.  But over you.  With Parker it was like 'look at me not with Angel.  See this is me - not with Angel.  Witness me with someone who is not Angel' That's how you're destroying me.  By not being with me."

"Please God Buffy don't beg me.  Don't ask me because I can't say no another time," Angel said tears forming.  "I'm just trying to do best by you."

"Have you even been listening?"

"I don't deserve to be with you Buffy.  I don't deserve to be happy."

"You're what?  Punishing me as well as you?  That's not fair!"

"I'm not punishing you!  I'm trying to keep you safe!"

"Were you?"  I pull up my top to reveal a scar.  "Vampire staked me."  I pull back my collar to show my scar.  My once beautiful scar because Angel had given me it.  "Dracula bit me.  Countless bumps, scatched and bruises.  You should have been there Angel, to save me from falling."

"Dracula bit you?  Where I d..  He bit you?"

"Yeah.  Now I hate my scar.  I used to touch it all the time, because it's a little bit of you on me.  Now I hate it."

"Oh Buffy.  I'm sorry."

"Sorry?  You'll be more than sorry when I die."  That hits him like a ton of bricks.

"Die?" He says his throat closing up.

"Yes, die.  When I get killed, drained, blown up - whatever and you come to see me in the cemetery or wherever, you'll regret not being there."

"That's not fair," he says his voice fading away.

"But it's what you'll think and feel.  You're living forever Angel.  You wanna live with that guilt forever?  Because if I were in your position, I wouldn't want to know that i coulda done something to stop it."

"I know what you're doing," he says walking away from me.  I run after him and pull his arm back.

"Do you?  Angel open your eyes.  What am I trying to tell you?"

"No."

"What am I trying to say?"

"That you want me to kiss you."

"Yes.  So do it Angel," I challenge him not letting go of his arm.

"I--"

I take control.

Or lose it completely.

I kiss him, and oh God does he return it with equal fevour and passion.  He equals my desire and wanting.  He slips his hand in mine, lacing his fingers through.  He brings our hands up to separate our mouths.  I laugh as he kisses each one.  Then he kisses my nose and goes back to my lips.

"Let's go upstairs Angel," I breathe.  I tug him behind me, not taking much persuasion.  I open the door to his room and see his neatly made bed.  "Better hang do not disturb on the door," I grin.  I sit him down on the bed and all he can do is watch me.  I remove his boots and leave them on the floor.  I take off my own shoes placing them beside his.  Then I take off my jacket and pull off his jumper to reveal his white vest.  I push him full out on the bed and join him.  I wriggle under his soft expensive sheets and he follows me.  He spoons me and we lie with our heads touching.

"This is what I want," I whisper to him taking his hand.

"What?"

"Sleep," I giggle.  "Well I've had a tiring day."  I kiss him once again and then close my eyes.

I wake first and watch his chest rise and fall simulating his breathing.  I check the clock.  8.23 am.  We slept all night.  Then he opens his eyes slowly and smiles when he looks at me.

"I had the strangest sensation it was a dream."

"No dream.  Just the real."

I kiss him again and instantly let him pull me on top of him to bring me closer.

"You hungry?" He offers.

"Famished.  Are you?  Because if you were, I'm here," I tease.

"Oh ha ha," Angel says kissing my forehead and rolling our of bed.  He takes off his vest and looks for a shirt to change into.  I just enjoy good stare.  his beautiful tattoo, his muscles flexing and the lamp light shimmering over the bones and muscles.  He turns round and notices my gaze.  "What?"

"Your back's the most beautiful thing I've seen in a while."

"Wow, we got a charmer," Angel laughs and slips off his shirt again.  He holds out his hand and I take it.  He pulls me out of bed and close to him.  "There may not be sex, but they'll be dancing," he says in an English accent.  I really can't believe he saw "My Best Friends Wedding."  I lean over and switch on the radio.  He pulls me closer to him and I lean my head against his bare chest.  He leans his head against mine and we dance.  Angel and I are always dancing.  The way he moves, so graceful, never putting a foot wrong, never slowing down or going too fast.  Perfection in a dance.

I drive back to Sunnydale with the most incredible happy.  Giles paged me and asked me to come back urgently.  So reluctantly I left.  We never said goodbye.  I don't mean I walked off in the distance like he did to me, I mean I promised to call and he said he'd wait for it.  No goodbye.  More of a see you later.

I get back to the Magic Box and stride in.  Everyone's there.  I still can't stop smiling.  Giles apologizes and says he thought they had a Glory shaped breakthrough but it was another demon all together.

Then Riley puts his arms around my waist.  I slip out of them easily and sit beside Tara.  Then he draws up a chair and kisses my neck and ear.  I push him away.

"God Riley stop it," I snap.  I'm sort of embarassed because everyone turns around and looks at me.  "What?"

A little while later he whispers in my ear.  "Buffy could we talk?" Riley asks quietly.

Must we?  Oh God what fun!

Y'know I haven't let him touch me or kiss me really.  I feel unfaithful to Angel though.  He never said he definitely wanted a relationship so I'm going for broke.  We go into the training room.

"Buffy what's wrong with you?  You won't let me--"  he looks down at the ground and then straight at me.  "What happened in LA?  With Angel?"

"I-I don't think that's any of your business Riley!  I mean, God if you don't trust me to get a couple of books?!"

"Where are they?  The books?"

"Oh.  I left them in LA.  Forgot them.  Maybe I should just go get them," I say walking past him.  He spins me round.  "Let go of me!"

"I'm only going to ask you this once.  Did you sleep with Angel?"

"Yes."

Oh my god I can't believe I just came out with that.  Honesty best policy yada yada yada.

"You fucked him?!  You fucked a demon?!" He says louder.  "Again!" He screams.  The entire scooby gang appears at the door.

"I didn't say that.  I said I slept with him.  Literally beside him."

"Oh," he says in relief.  "Oh.  I knew you wouldn't do that to me, to us."

Oh I would.  Given the chance, I would.

"Really?  How well do you know me?"

"We should disapear," Willow says.

"No I wanna find out what happened with Angel," Anya says staying put.

"No, you guys stay there.  This isn't private.  As I was saying, how well do you know me?"

"Well, Buffy.  Well."

"No you don't.  For the past two years, I've been this whole other person.  Ever since--"

"Angel left," Xander finishes.

"Yeah," I say staring at my best friend.

"I noticed," he says.

"But you hate Angel."

"I love you.  And I think I know you pretty well.  You've shut off," Xander says.

"Yeah.  Riley, you've hardly even touched me.  I can't believe it took Angel brushing my arm to notice that.  You've never touched me like that."

"Buffy I've brushed your arm plenty of times."

"You have but you've never made me feel alive.  Every second I'm with Angel I feel that.  Oh and I would sleep with him in spite of 'us'.  But you know why I don't?  I love him too much.  I would lose him for one second of passion.  And our love goes deeper than that."

"So does ours!"

"Riley, the first time you told me you loved me, you said it sleeping with Faith.  And you say it constantly like it's supposed to mean something.  But it doesn't anymore.  I'm sick of going for the ride along.  I wanna be me and take chances again.  Would you ever be content just lying beside me holding your hand?"

"Of course I would."

"Then how come we don't?  Ever. Ever.  You can give me sun but Angel is my light."

"Buffy," the unmistakable voice says behind me. I turn around just as he sheds his blanket.

"Angel."

"I'm sorry i couldn't wait for your call.  I brought the books," Angel says handing them to Giles.

"Thank you," Giles says going to work on them.

"Angel I'll give you 10 seconds to get--" Riley starts.

Angel doesn't even acknowledge his existence and kisses me deeply.  "Missed that," I murmur.

"Missed you."

"Deadboy," Xander says coming over to Angel.  Angel stands back and watches Xander come over to him.  Xander offers his hand.  "The best demon won," he grins.  "And I wasn't even competing."  Angel smiles and takes his hand.  "You bring back our Buff."

"Thanks Xander," Angel grins more.

"What?" Riley fumes.  "Xander?"

"Sorry Riley, I hate Angel, I sorta like you and you can still borrow that crescent wrench but I want what makes Buffy happy.  Angel makes her happier than you can fathom."

"Wow Xand you learned a new word," I smile at him.

"All the time," he shrugs coming back to Anya.   Riley stands squared off with Angel.

"I'm not afraid of you.  You can't kill me.  But I'll sure as Hell kill you."

"I'll give you three seconds to get out my way boy.  And I assure you I will kill you," Angel warns darkly.  "And you know what?  You're not worth my time."

Riley grabs Angels jumper and Angel shoots out one hand and palms it against Riley's chest.  He flies across the room and collides into the wall.

"I did warn you.  And I won't think twice about killing you.  You have no idea how much I hate you," Angel growled.

Riley picks himself up and looks at me.  "Buffy what's wrong with you?  What-- has the last year meant nothing?"

"It did Riley.  But a moment with Angel means so much more."

And he leaves my life forever.  Thank you God.

Or thank you Angel.  I plan to make up the past year and a bit.  Starting with this kiss.