I'm nothing more than a pale reflection of the past to her now.  Reflection.  I'm not a reflection.  Just a shadow.  Something non-existent, something that won't show up, something that doesn't breathe.  Something hollow.

Not of the dead.

Nor not of the living.

Nothing.  Empty.  Inside.  Gone.  Done.

I desire that - to be empty and un-feeling.  But it's not true.  Some part of me wants her to forget me.  Albeit a small part, but it wants that.  The 'noble', martyr, self sacrificial part.  The part that turned back time that November.

Every other part is screaming for her.

(you my darling Buffy)

A touch, a glance, a whisper to the dark.

(a kiss)

Anything.  A stolen moment.  A perfect moment.

(intimate)

But I'll never get it.  I'll never come close enough.

(why?)

And oh God I want to.  I want to stop this paradigm of redemption, suffering and all that's good in the world thing - to swallow my pride.  Be able to collapse onto my knees, beg her forgiveness and let her kiss away a century and a half's worth of terror and destruction in my days when I brought Europe to it's own knees.

Homicide, genocide, parricide.  Mind fucking.  Psychological games.  Torture.  Excruitating, bloody, skilled, violent, belligerent torture.  Stalking.  Laughing from the darkness, dragging my victims under.  Ripping into them like a torpedo.  Hours upon hours of laceration.  Yet more hours of screwing Darla.  Hell, decades.

(meant nothing and everything)

And now I float about like some benevolent do gooder, helping the hopeless.. helpless... whatever.

(do I care anymore?  Do I care enough?)

But it's more than that.  I desire to be hollow.  Then I couldn't feel, or cry or love at all.  There'd be no earthly wishes and I wouldn't scar as easy; I wouldn't let Buffy touch me.

(Oh god touch me Buffy)

But I did.  Again.  And again.  Until I knew the scars hurt to much.  Hundreds, thousands of invisible scars marring my body.  Blood creating rivulets on my flesh, tearing me in two.  Can't let her touch me...

(Please please touch me)

Letting her wash over and under me.  Letting her close my eyes, forget everything crappy in the world.  Letting me lose myself completely and utterly in her.

(be lost, stay lost)

Then letting her end my lachrymal existence.  Letting her kill me.

Letting her go.

(I can't)

No.  No.

I'll never let her go

(I did let her go)

I'll never hurt her.

(I hurt her.  I always hurt her)

("You were born to hurt her")

And now I'm back from LA and my pathetic, lackadaisical attempt at protecting the world.  At trying to become someone.  Coming back to Sunnydale

(I'm nothing.  Nothing without her)

But I'm a better person than when I left

(I'm worse)

(I'm not even a person)

But she doesn't need this.  Not right now.  She needs someone safe.  Safe and human.  Riley Finn.  He's...

(A Fucking prick)

A debatable choice.

(Fucking worst choice she ever could have made.  Stupid fuck doesn't know anything except which way it is to fucking Iowa and what end of a cow is the mouth and the ass)

This is why I left.  This is what I wanted for her

(I didn't want sergeant no-neck. I wanted her to come and get me.. If she only came and got me...)

Beating him up last year...

(*FUCK* That was great.  I'd trade anything to have that moment back)

...About which I felt bad.

(HAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

She needs to move on.  Needs to forget..

('I'll never forget... I'll never forget.... I'll never forget....)

I need to forget.

('I'll never forget... I'll never forget.... I'll never forget....)

But I can't.  I'll never forget

('I'll never forget... I'll never forget.... I'll never forget....)

Never.

Oh God I love you.

("I..I love you.  I try not to but I can't stop...")

And as I watch from behind the wall at the Bronze, I see you leave with him.  I see you slip your arm protectively around him and gaze at him like he's the most important person in the world.

Like he's the one you gave your virginity to.

("It *is* a big deal!!")

Like he's the one who killed his Sire for you.

("Angel...?")

Like he's the one who came back from a demon dimension for you.

("B-Buffy...")

Like he's the one who loves you so goddamn much it pulls him apart inside.

("It.. throws me."  "Throws me too.")

Like he's the one who's your everything

("It is never over!  I won't let you die!")

Like he's the one who'll love you forever and never contemplate stopping - not for a second

("I love you..")

Like he's the One.

("I love you...")

He's not the One Buffy, I AM!

I AM!!

("BUUFFFFYYYY!!")

I'm the one you kissed and took you the night of your seventeenth and you gave *me* the most precious gift ever bestowed on any creature.

I'm the one who staked my Sire, Darla, who I worshipped for the foremost part of my vampire youth, in the back - a vampire bête noir.

("There was a time when we shared everything.. wasn't there Angelus?")

I'm the one who came back from Hell after 500 years for you a monster.. then turned back to something resembling human at the sight of you.

("B-Buffy..  Oh Buffy..")

I'M the one who loves you so much I can't lie in my bed at night for thinking of you.  Who feels every cell of me explode when I'm in your proximity.

("We'll keep our distance until our time has passed..")

I'm the one who's your everything

I'm the one who WILL love you forever - literally forever .  I'll never stop because the comprehension of such is not understandable.

I'M YOUR ONE BUFFY.  PLEASE REDEEM ME, MAKE ME, LOVE ME, COMFORT ME, TAKE ME, HAVE ME ALWAYS, NEVER LET ME SLIP AWAY, PLEASE.

I wish i could talk to you...

(I also wish I could tell the truth)

I wish I could smile at you

(Happy)

I wish I could push back your hair

(Protect you)

I wish I could kiss you

(Always - only me)

(I wish I could make love you - show you how I feel)

("Don't.. Just kiss me")

All you have to do it say it  -anything,  How you feel.  What you what.  I won't think twice.

("I missed you")

For now, I watch you.

(Like always)

And Him.

(fucking prick has everything that should be mine)

("I'm going to see an old girlfriend... Think you're gonna stop me?")

So I watch.  Skulk.  Over look.

From the shadows.

That's all I am

A shadow.
 
 

END

You know you want to.. you know you have to.. JUST DO IT!!  Pretty please?