Authors Notes, Disclaimer and Intro
 

PART TWO -- Is This Real Or Just A Nightmare?
 
 

Six hours later, Buffy awoke, thrashing and fighting from her nightmare.  Only to realise she was living it.  She closed her eyes, and remembered quickly that Angel was sleeping beside her.

"Angel?" She asked, turning over quickly.  Nothing there.  Was he a dream?  Is it all a dream?  Please God let it not be real..

"Buffy?" Angel asked, running through to his old bedroom, dumping bags at the side.  He had just come up out of the sewer.

"I--" Buffy shut her mouth.

"What happened?  Did you have a dream?  A nightmare?" Angel asked, worried, as he came to her side.

"I.." Buffy started again, pausing.  "Nothing."

"Buffy, you know you can.. tell me," Angel said quietly.

"I just had a nightmare.  Usual," Buffy smiled and shrugged.

"How are you feeling?"

"I could say fine but we'd know I'm a big fibber," Buffy sighed, making a cradle under the sheets with her legs.  She placed her arms inside and rested them.

"Hungry?" Angel asked, walking back over to the bags and bringing them back.  "Apple Poptarts?" Angel suggested, presenting the box.  "If they're still your favourite.."

"You remembered," Buffy said aloud, knowing he would of.

"Course I did.  But they're not your favourite favourite," Angel smiled bringing another box.  "Chocolate Poptarts are your favourite favourite.  And I think the occasion calls for chocolate," he decided, ripping the box open.

"I think so," Buffy nodded.

"Still like 'em cold?" Angel made a face, handing her a silvery packet.

"Yup," Buffy nodded again.  She opened it eagarly, never feeling so hungry before.  "And how would you know what it tastes like hot or cold?  Got an upgrade on Vamp Tastebuds?"

Angel opened his mouth to reply, and shut it again.  He couldn't tell her ever - especially not now - that the first time he really tasted cold and hot Poptarts was on insistence of the woman on the bed next to him.  Along with strawberries, chocolate, ice cream and peanut butter.

Buffy caught that and cocked her head.

"Angel.."

"What?"

"What were you gonna say?"

"Nothing.  At all."

"OK," Buffy shrugged.

"OK," Angel nodded, getting up and gathering the bags of food up.  He paused at the door and looked back.  "Reverse psychology not gonna work on me Buffy."

"Oh damn.  I took Psyche for a whole year and I can't even get anything out you."

Angel disapeared and then came back minutes later.  "What'd you mean me."

/  "Next time.. Just ask.."  /

"You told me once just to ask you what you were thinking," Buffy said, taking a bite out of her breakfast.

Angel pursed his lips.  "Want some orange juice or something?"

Buffy only nodded in return, telling Angel he was in the dog house.  He came back, seconds later.

"You can't be mad at me," he told her.

Buffy raised her eyebrows.  "Why not?"

"Because you have Riley to ask what he'd thinking.  Although generally it'd be a big blank sheet.  Nothing in there," Angel mumbled, thinking Buffy couldn't hear him.

"How good is your hearing Angel?"

"Vampire strength."

"Mine's is Slayer strength," Buffy narrowed her eyes.  Angel looked down and then walked away.  He came back again as Buffy devoured the last of her Poptart.

"Sorry for that," he apologized.  "I think maybe I should phone him and he can come--"

"No," Buffy shook her head.  "No."

"Why?  Because Forrest is his friend and you want to protect Riley from the truth?"

"No.  Because I want you... To stay here with me.  Because he won't look at me the same.  You do."

Angel tried to be passive but it struck something in his Soul.  "Maybe I should call someone."

"Who?"

"Willow, maybe.  Giles.  Xander.. No not Xander.  Your mom.  Dawn," Angel rhymed off.  "Well not Dawn directly.  But they'll all be worried that you didn't return from patrol."

"I want to stay here," Buffy said in a small voice.  "Could you call them.. Don't tell them what happened.  Ask them not to come here.  Tell them everything's OK."

Angel sighed and nodded.  "If that's what you want."

"Call Giles.  He'll lie for me.  Keep the others calm."

Angel tried to get Buffy to rest that day, but she couldn't.  She couldn't sleep because she would dream.  And she couldn't rest because she felt restless and she couldn't go out because nothing unnerved her more.  Not outside.  She could meet anyone.  Best case scenario, Willow and everyone, Worst Case scenario, Them.

But she couldn't sit.  She couldn't read one of Angel's books.  She couldn't read the magazines he brought for her.  She had to be still for that.  The lack of a TV wasn't a great loss anyway.

So she got dressed in some of Cordelia's clothes in Angel's bag and went outside.

"Buffy?  Buffy?"

Angel couldn't find her anywhere.  He hadn't looked outside and luckily it was an overcast day.  Carefully, he pealed back the curtain and saw Buffy outside with a fire.  He shouted her through the glass and she looked back at him, before throwing something else in the fire and coming inside.

She just let it burn.

"What were you doing Buffy?" Angel asked gently.

"Fire," she replied, walking to the bathroom.  He chased after her.  She had the taps on full power and was scrubbing her hands furiously with the new soap and sponge Angel bought at the 711 early that morning.

"What did you put in the fire?"

"My clothes," Buffy said in a hard tone.

"Why would you-- Oh," Angel nodded, "OK."

"I wasn't looking for your permission Angel," she swallowed, staring straight at him.

"I know you weren't."

"She's OK Cordelia.  I don't know how long I'll be here.  You guys can manage right?"

Buffy hugged her chest and leaned on the old pilar.  She watched Angel's back as he switched ears with the phone.  He was sitting by the fire, talking to Cordelia on his cellphone.

"Good.  OK.  No, I'm fine Cordelia.  We can talk more when I get back.  I have to go now.  Maybe make something to eat... I don't know.  Buffy used to like cheese melt and spaghetti O's.  Maybe she's into gourmet food now.  Beside's she's watching me right now so I have to go," he told Cordelia on the other end, without turning round.  "No one lurks like I do.  OK.  Bye Cor."

Angel turned around and tucked the cell in his pocket.

"How are you feeling?"

"How did you know I was there?" Buffy asked curiously.

"I feel you.  Inside," he quoted, wondering if that was the right thing to do.

/ "I don't know.  I just know that when you're around, whether I see you or not.. I feel you.. inside - and it throws me," Buffy explained with difficulty.

"Throws me, too," Angel agreed.

"So let's just stick to the plan.  We keep our distance until a lot of time has passed.  Given enough time we should be able to.."

"Forget?" Angel interjected.

"Yeah.  -  So, I'm gonna go - start forgettting," she said sadly.  A crash shattered Angel's window, spilling sunlight into his office.  A green warrior demon, the Mohra, jumped in and launched into a fray.  Angel ducked a blow and used his clock to shatter the bright red jewel in his forehead.

"That was unreal.  -  How did you know how to kill it?" Buffy asked suspiciously, slightly stunned.

"It's a Mohra demon.  I - I had a lot of time to catch up on my reading," Angel half lied.

"Yeah.  Okay.  -  So I guess we've covered it, right?"  Buffy asked, needing to get out of the tense atmosphere before she did or said something really stupid.

"I guess we did," Angel's eyes reflected regret.

"And that's all there really is to say."

'Is it?' Angel thought.

Angel drew in a deep breath, and glanced down on the smashed clock, forever frozen at 9:02.  When he looked back up, Buffy had disapeared, before the door closed over.

"Yeah.  -  That's it.">

Angel picked up the clock and stared at it, going back to his desk.  After staring at it for an eternity, he placed it back down and went over to the fridge.  He saw Cordelia's chocolate bar there and took it out.  Gazing at it and taking it back to his desk, he broke a piece off.  The same square-cum-triangle he had previously broken off in the day before that never existed.  Fascinated, he placed it in his mouth and crunched it.

Flakes of chocolate sprinkled on his tongue, but it didn't taste real.  Nothing felt real.  He ate more chocolate, sucking it until it became liquid in his mouth and trickled down his throat.  It didn't taste the same.

He stared at the remaining chocolate for ten minutes before he got up and emptied the contents of the fridge onto his desk.  He sat behind it conservatively, and sampled each food again.

An hour later, Cordelia and Doyle came back to the office.

"Wow," Cordelia exhaled, watching him from the door.  "Your window's smashed in and your having a regular Teddy Bears Picnic."

Angel looked up at them, sorrowful expression taking hold.

"I'm sorry I ate your chocolate Cordy," he mumbled covering his face with his hands.

"Y'know you can't do comfort food Angel.  You have to knock back the O positive,"  she said lightly, coming to his side.  "Cool if Haagen Daz made blood and rasin rocky road.  Or Blood chocolate fudge mint chip.  Not for me, for you."

Angel looked up at her quickly.  "Ice cream," he nodded, remembering.  "Ice cream."

"Yeah bud.  You gotta love ice cream," Doyle smiles.

"She's gone huh?" Cordelia said apologetically.

"Yeah.  Yeah she's gone." /
 

Buffy looked confused as soon as the words left his mouth.  /I feel you inside/

"Me too," Buffy told him.  Buffy caught her breath in her throat as she took him in.  She swore she could see a white light eminating from around him, illuminating his perfect face and body.  Square inches of muscle covered with a marble like complexion.  Strong and powerful.  Yet quiet, gentle and soft.  Passionate about books, art, classical music and.. her.  Broody, tortured and awkward.

But that was how she liked them wasn't it?

"Something to eat?" Angel offered.

"Cheese melt and spaghetti O's sounds good," she smiled faintly.

He nodded and got up.  Buffy paused and followed him to the kitchen.

"Angel.. I'm sorry about earlier," she said calmly.

"It's forgotten," Angel told her, taking a tin of Spaghetti O's out of the brown paper bag, bread and a block of cheese.

Lie.  Every moment with Buffy is recorded and relived.

"I'm.. Still sorry about it though.  I was offish."

Angel stopped and turned to her.  "Buffy it's nothing."

"I shouldn't have spoke to you like that," her voice wavered, like it was being transmitted over a frequency.

"Then you're forgiven," Angel said.  "OK?"  Buffy nodded, taking a few tentive steps towards him.  She slid her arms around his waist.  Angel returned the gesture, wrapping his arms around her shoulders.

"I'm so glad you're here Angel," she said in a hush.

"I'll be here as long as you need me," he promised.

After making Buffy dinner, he stared at the cell phone, thinking of what to say.  Finally, he gave up and dialled Giles's number.

"Hello, Rupert Giles," Giles answered politely.

"Giles.. It's.."

"Angel.  You just called a few days ago to check in.  I wasn't expecting a call for another few days yet."

"Yeah.  I know.  Cordy had a vision.  Of Buffy."

"Oh dear lord.. Angel she's missing and if anything--" Giles wavered on panic.  This was not good news.

"Giles, Giles, it's OK," Angel assured him, adjusting the phone.  "Buffy.. Is here.  At the mansion.  With me.  Nothing.. At all.. I mean uh.." Angel got himself in knots.  He sighed and started again.  "Cordelia had the vision last night.  I came straight to Sunnydale and I found her.  She'd had a run in with a demon."

"And?"

"She's fine.  Resting.  It sort of got the better of her.  She's a little red faced and staying here until she feels better.  I don't know why she wants to.. But she does.  She asked me to call so you know she'd OK."

Lies, lies, lies, lies.

"Oh.  OK," Giles nodded.  "Any physical wounds?"

"None that'll scar.  She asked you guys not come and see her.. She feels a little.. She's not herself."

"I see.  What shall I tell Riley?" Giles asked, his tone short.  "That her old boyfriend is staying with her in a place that holds many memories for both of them and she doesn't want to see him?"

"Giles, it's not like that.  It can never be like that," Angel said wistfully.  "It's not about me.  It's about Buffy.  And right now she's.. hurting.  And I'm not leaving until.. Until.."

"Until when?"

"Whenever she needs me."

"And Riley?"

"I honestly don't know Giles.  Tell him anything.  Tell him the truth--"  Or what you know of the truth..  "Buffy said specifically she didn't want him here."

"OK.  I am wary of this you know," Giles told him.  "But I trust you.  And Buffy.  Pass on my well wishes.. Unless I can speak to her?"

"I'll just check if she's sleeping or not," Angel flustered and put down the cell phone.  He went to his bedroom.

"Buffy, Giles wants to talk," he hissed.  Buffy was sitting on the side of the bed, staring into oblivion.

"Huh?"

"He wanted to talk to you.  I don't think he believes me too much and I think they could come here."

Buffy nodded slowly and Angel retrieved the phone.

"Here she is," Angel notified Giles, passing her the cell.

"Buffy."

"Hey Giles."

"Are you at the mansion?  Are you well?  Are you badly hurt?"

"Yes, yes and not really.  Just..." Buffy trailed off.

"A little flustered?  Just needing time and space?"

I wish..

"Exactly."

"And you're fine with Angel?"

"Really OK with Angel here."

"Do you want to speak to Riley?"

"No," Buffy answered too quickly.  "I mean no.  He'll only worry."

"Because Angel doesn't do that," Giles surprised her with his sarcasm.  He sighed wearily.  "Don't you think you're on dangerous ground here Buffy?  There's something I don't know."

Tears stung her eyes.  "Nothing's going to happen between Angel and I."

"Alright.  I trust you," Giles nodded.  "What shall I tell the others?"

"That I'm in LA," she said in a low voice, scared of weeping over the phone.  "Visiting my dad."

"Alright.  On one condition, you call me soon.  So I know how you are."

"OK," Buffy said in an even lower voice.  "Bye Giles."

"Goodbye Buffy."

Buffy handed the phone to Angel who pressed it to his ear, checking Giles was gone, and then hung up.

"Are you.." Stupid question.  "Can I do anything?" Angel held his hands out helplessly.

Buffy gazed at him.  "You can tell me the truth."

"What truth?"

Buffy stood up.  "Why did you leave me?  Is it because I'm a disgusting thing..?  Horrible, dirty slutty whore?  Murderer, revolting, repulsive ugly.." She shrieked, falling into all the different pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.

"Stop!" Angel begged, gripping her arms.  "Stop this Buffy."

"I'm so dirty... And unclean.. I can't be clean again Angel.  I've took five showers and I can't get it off my skin.." She squirmed as he held her close to his chest.  "Can't be near me.. You'll catch it.."

"Buffy, I won't catch anything," Angel told her.

"I couldn't do a thing. I was.. paralysed somehow.  But I seen everything. I felt everything," she enforced, more tears spilling over the edge.  "Am I her again?  Am I the girl who can't do anything about the evil?  Can I ever go back to her?  I don't want to.." Buffy hysterically wept into his sweater.  Angel swept her up and carried her back to bed.

"I can't be her again.." She hiccuped.

/ "--Or taken literally, incredibly gross," Buffy realized as she embraced Angel.

"I was thinking that too."

Buffy looked up, and kissed Angel delicately, like he would break.

"Being normal wouldn't be so bad Buffy," Angel sighed.  He returned to his spot on the rug.  "Not having powers.. It's not only not so bad, it's a blessing."

Buffy followed him onto the rug and sat beside him, closely.  She ran her fingertips over where his heart would be.

"You don't want to be who you are, do you?" Buffy asked aloud, transfixed on his chest.

"You have no idea how much I want something to be beating under there when you touch it," Angel sighed, pressing her hand closer, feeling her warmth radiate through his skin.

"There is," Buffy smiled up at him.  She placed both of her hands on his shoulders and guided him down to a lying position.  Then she lay down beside him in front of the fire, putting her head on his chest, protectively covering his body.

"Thump thump, thump thump.  I can hear it Angel," Buffy whispered. "It's real to me."

"Buffy.." Angel murmured.  She used her fingertips to draw a curtain over his brown eyes.

"Feel it Angel," she whispered, as the fire danced off and around them.  "It's vibrating through your body and mine.  We're both normal.  And we get to be normal every day.  For the rest of forever..  I love you," she held onto him tighter.

"I love you," Angel replied, feeling a lump rising.  Such a thing would be the greatest gift in the world and nothing could make him give it back.  To have a heart beat../

END OF PART TWO