Tuesday 15th April 2003
 

Buffy woke up and nearly fell off the bed, but knocked over the lamp.

"Buffy.  You OK?" Riley asked putting his strong arm around her waist, pulling himself closer to her.

"Fine.  Fine," she said pulling away quickly and sliding out of bed.  "Why wouldn't I be?"  She ran a hand through her hair and then studied her left hands' ring finger.

That shouldn't be there!  There should be a beautiful silver claddagh ring that means so much more.  Not a grossly expensive diamond ring, Buffy screamed inside her.

//  "The hands represent friendship. The crown represents loyalty.  And the heart.. well you know.  You wear it with the heart pointing towards you it means you belong to somebody.  Like this." //

"Buffy you sure?  Want me to make you some coffee or something?" Riley offered sitting up.

"No i'm fine.  I just remembered, I have to patrol."

"Now?" Riley asked, blinking.

"Nightime's usually the vamps favourite mealtime," Buffy said pulling on a pair of leather pants and tucking Rileys shirt into them.  She took her jacket from the chair.  "I'll be back soon."

Buffy walked for half an hour.  Just thinking.  The dream, the flashbacks.  They'd been going on for weeks now.  She ignored them.  Had to.  Had to ignore everything from that part of her life.

"But why?"

Buffy turned round to find the voice but no one was in sight.  She wasn't looking for a stranger.  She was looking for Angel.

"Why Buffy?" The voice insisted.  Only his.

"Where are you?" She said searching the bushes and trees nearby.

"You can't see me.. with your eyes.  Your heart however.."

"Am I dreaming?" Buffy asked. to the darkness.  She didn't feel stupid or ridculous talking to nothing.

"Wouldn't say dreaming.  You aren't sleeping if that's what you mean."

"I-I have to forget."

"Why Buffy?  You were happy.  You were free."

"I'm not now?"

"You tell me."

"You left me."

"I did."

"Are you leaving me again?"

"I was always with you."

"Great, gone all cryptic recently?"

"Could say that."

Buffy let out an exasperated laugh.

"So why is apparition-you here?"

"To show you the way."

"The dreams.."

"They happened."

"Some did."

Buffy heard a laugh.  Only the laugh that Angel could.  The laugh that made her feel alive and whole.  Buzzing.  When he smiled it was magical. But when he laughed..

"They all did.  I remember watching you at Hemery High's school dance.  The guy - Taylor - he made a fool out of himself for you.  But he didn't deserve you.  That was the night you burned down the gym.  I was there.  You went into the basement and you heard a noise.  You asked if anyone was there.  I was.  Then you turned and muttered - 'vampires, cut me some slack OK?  Being Prom Queen and saving everyone's ass is not as easy as you undead dudes might think.'"

"You remember that?  I can't believe I said dudes."  No voice answered for a long while.  "Angel?"

Then a hushed whisper.  "I remember everything."

And then he was gone.

Buffy got home an hour later and took of her clothes, leaving Rileys shirt on and went back to bed.

"Catch any vamps?" Riley asked yawning.

"One or two," Buffy said staring at the ceiling.

"I hope you won't be off to patrol this Sunday," Riley grinned kissing her shoulders.

"What happens then?"

"Our wedding night.  Did you forget?"

"No, no.  I didn't forget."

// "I'll never forget, I'll never forget, I'll never forget.. "  //

A sob caught in Buffy's throat as she felt the overwhelming urge to break down in tears.  It caught her off balance.

"Buffy?"

"Just coughing," Buffy lied.  she got up again and went to the bathroom to get a drink.

"Well you come back when you're ready," Riley said sleepily, turning over.

Wednesday 16th April 2003
 

"Yeah Will.  Tell Giles not to worry.  I have to," Buffy said throwing shampoo in her bag.  Cradling the phone she put in several changes of clothes and a few stakes.  "Will I have to go.  I need to see him...  Yes I think Riley's a great guy.. No i don't want to break his heart.  And I'm not going to.  Break it...  Will I've been having dreams.  Of Angel.  And everything that happened...  yes i know, bad Buffy.  But I.. enjoyed them...  And i'll leave him in one piece.  I just get the feeling he's not telling something.  It's been 3 years Willow, I know he won't still love me," she lied to her friend.  "I need to go now.  OK, love you too.  Bye."

Buffy pressed the button on the phone and threw it on the bed.  She zipped up her bag and slung it over her shoulder.  After checking herself in the mirror one last time, she took Riley's keys to his car and headed out the door

Buffy parked outside Cordelia's new apartment, where she'd been told Angel had been staying for the past couple of weeks because his hotel (hotel! The Crawford Street Mansion was one thing but.. hotel?!) was getting renovated.  She checked her hair again and then got out.

Buffy knocked on Cordy's door and waited.

"I'll get it," Angel offered.  Cordelia and Wesley were both on their knees marking locations on a huge map. Cordelia picked out a red marker and bit the cap off with her teeth.

Angel opened the door.

"Buffy," he breathed.

Cordelia spat out the red cap in shock and choked.

Buffy nearly died.  Her name, the way he said it, it was like foreplay. His accent mixed with a husky, sexy lowness made her want to kiss him.  It was like their language.  He would say her name the way he only could.  Angel.  Then she'd say his back in her own foreplay manner.  Last time she had said it harsh and unforgiving.  The way that she was sure cut into his soul like it did to her to say it.

"Angel," she say warmly.

Cordelia got up and stepped over the map.  She went over a stood beside her boss.

"Buffy," Cordelia said raising her eyebrows.  "And you're here because...?"

"Angel," Buffy blurted out.  "Um, here to see Angel."

"Aren't we all.  Well if you're here to rub mister oh so handsome and human in our faces again are you?  Three years ago and you still can't leave us alone--"

"Cordelia," Angel started.

"No Angel.  She should pay.  Angel we are us now.  You, me, Wesley and Gunn.  And that's the way it should be.  We all stand by each other.  I wil not let her come back here just to hurt you again.  And dammit, this is my apartment.  I could get Dennis to kick her out - ooh add Dennis to that list before," Cordelia pointed out. Then she whispered up a quick 'Sorry Den' to the ceiling.  "So Buffy, make like you're a vampire and be non-invited OK?"

Buffy felt herself going to cry.  Angel was a part of something that didn't include her.  He had.. 'family'.  She nodded slowly and turned.  Angel reached out and pulled her arm.  The sunlight shone over his arm and it caught on fire.  Angel growled and felt his vampire face on as he held his arm in pain.

"Dammit, Buffy stay there.  Don't leave," Angel ordered and then went through to Cor's kitchen.  Dennis had already pulled out the ice tray and put it in a bowl for Angel sitting down.  Angel sank his arm in amongst the ice cubes and sighed in relief.  He had reached out to her, and he had been burned.  Not the first time that's happened.  Everytime he has tried to be close to her, he hurt her and left himself with another burn scar.

//  "Now you're here and I can actually reach out and touch you.. it's more than confusing.  it's unbearable."//

He picked the bowl up and carried it to the door.  "Thanks Dennis," he called back gratefully.  Then a towel fell over his right shoulder.  "You're a great ghost."

"Does it hurt much?" Wesley said cutting in standing on top of the Los Angeles map.

"What's a little immolation between friends," he growled turning his face back to human.  Cordelia wrapped the towel around his arm and Buffy still stood at the door.

"So can she come in?" Angel asked studying Cordelia's face.  He knew Cordy meant well.  "I could go out there.."

"No.  It's fine.  She can come in this once," Cordelia said.  "And Wesley and I are gonna go get Gunn.  I think we've got something," she said putting on her jacket.  "Leave him in one piece," she ordered seriously.  Buffy nodded still looking down.  Once Wesley and Cordelia had left, Angel sat down and motioned for buffy to sit opposite.

Buffy glanced at the map.  "What is it?"

"Sulvara demon pack," Angel shrugged.  "Why are you here?"

"To ask you about something.  I.. had a dream.  A very vivid dream."

"Portent?"

"No.  No.  Flashbacks.  Of our first kiss.  When I first saw you."

"Technically you stomped on my chest."

"Well, our first stomp.  Our first, my first, the time we... made love," she said with difficulty as he gazed at her.

"They're memories Buffy.  I don't see the different."

"Were you watching me?  The night I burnt down Hemery Gym?"

"Yes," he admitted, his brow low.

"I thought I heard you.  You told me all about it, word for word.  You told me you remember everything."

"I do."

"Then what's I'll never forget supposed to mean?"

Angel stayed silent.  Then he closed his eyes praying for a miracle way out of this conversation.  It couldn't be...

//  "How am I supposed to go on with my life knowing what we had, what we could've . . . "
    "You won't. No one will know but me."
    "But everything we did . . . "
    "It never happened."
    "It did! I know it did!  I felt your heart beat."
    "Buffy . . . "  They kissed passionately with so much desparation and longing.  //

The whole heartbreaking moment played out clearly and so real.  He opened his eyes and Buffy slowly opened hers.  Angel stared straight at Buffy.

"Did you.. see that?" Buffy asked slowly.

"What did you see?" Angel asked standing up.

//  "Oh, God. There's not enough time."
    "Shhh, please, please.
    "I'll never forget ... I'll never forget ... I'll never forget ... I'll never forget ..."  //

Buffy felt tears streaming down her face.

"Oh God there wasn't enough time," she said breaking down in to a hurt, longing cry.  She covered her face with her hands and choked out sobs high in her throat and wanted to cry until she felt tired enough to curl up and die.

Angel's heart broke.  He took her hands away from her face but it didn't stop her crying.  She clung onto his sweater and cried into his shoulder.

"It happened..."

Angel hestantly put one arm around her and then slowly touched her hair with the other.  He was so afraid to be near her because after three years of thinking aboiut nothing but her, he wanted to break down.  And if he was too close...

"Angel.."

"Sshh."

"No," Buffy said pulling away.  She tried to dry her tears but they kept coming.  Like trying to plug up a dam with pebbles.  "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I couldn't."

"You did that.. You.. Angel.. Don't you love me?"

"Oh God.." he said walking up to her, so close.  He rested his cheek to her cheek and whispered in her ear.  "Never one day have I stopped loving you, aching for you, thinking of you..."

"Then don't!  Say we can be together again!" Buffy pleaded.

"We can't," Angel shook his head.

"Kiss me," she begged.

"I can't.." He said.  "I can't hurt you again.. I won't.."

"Why?"

"Because I want you so badly!" He nearly yelled.  "Remember the last time I said that Buffy?  Our day is all that's kept me alive.  Cor, Wes and Gunn, yeah.  But you.. I love you so much.  And I go back to Sunnydale EVERY week.  Did you know that?  I wait behind that tree, near your house.  I know I'm torturing myself.  I know I am.  Watching you with him.  You kissing him, telling him you love him.  It destroys me.  I feel like dying everytime he holds you.  But I go back.  Just to see you at least.  I watch you laugh with Willow and Xander and I instantly feel like this life is worth it, just to see you smile.  But when you cry.."

"I'm crying now!"

"Because of me."

"You think I love Riley?  I don't.  How can one person love somebody else.. when they're already part of someone else?"

"Tell me you don't love me now Angel!  You were only to quick to say it before the Prom.  Say it again."

"I never said that.  I said I don't want your life to be with me.  God I wanted to be with you but the Mayor, and then your mother.."

"My Mother?!  I don't care Angel.  Either you kiss me or--" Buffy started angrily until Angel gave into everything that felt right and kissed her.  He kissed her the way he had first kissed her in her bedroom as a 16 year old.  They way he kissed her before she sent him to Hell.  The way he kissed her in the minute before time erased everything that he had ever wanted.

Buffy gently pulled back breathless.  She took one look into those chocolate eyes and kissed him again.  Sweet, passionate, longing, loving, lingering.

"I love you Buffy," he told her in between kisses.

"I love you," Buffy said kissing him again deeper.

Then Angel pulled himself back and he collided into the table.  He kept away form her.

"Angel?"

"Buffy.. I don't have any strength left.  I can't..." He explained still not looking at her.  "I want to.."

"But we can't," Buffy said looking down feeling fresh tears forming.

"I'll give you your answers.  Which you already know.  I was mortal for a whole day.  I asked the Oracles to turn back time to keep you from being killed.  I was only supposed to remember.  Now you do."

"Everything," she promised.

"I still can't give you what you need or deserve.."

"You're telling me to go?  How can I ever touch Riley again knowing what we had?"

"You managed pretty well before."

"Don't."

"So we're.. what?"

"We have to.. we have to be over."

"It is never over."

"We have to be," Angel said leaning on the table, still not looking at her.

"Turn around and say that!"

"I can't."

"Why, you coward?" Buffy raged pulling his arm round.

"Because I'll kiss you again and never be able to let you go.  And then you know what'll happen.  This isn't just about our hearts.  Other people could get hurt.  Will get hurt."

"Riley?" Buffy spat.

"Angelus will..  You know what.  So you have to go.  Please Buffy.  Please leave me."

"Give me the choice!"

"Fine!  Choose whether to stay here, let me make love to you and we'll unleash a monster.  Or choose to go and get married to that.. thing that you love!"

"Angel.." Buffy said covering her mouth to muffle a giant sob rising.  Her eyes stung and her throat was raw.

"Go on Buffy choose!  This is what you envy about me isn't it?!  Choose Buffy!"

"Close your eyes.." Buffy begged.  "I can't.."  'Look in your eyes and make the choice...'

Angel never gave a second thought and then closed his eyes.  He felt Buffy's kiss and then heard her footsteps heading towards the door and a muffled sob.  Then the door closed.  He opened his eyes.

She was gone.

Buffy got into the car and started the engine.  She had to get away.  She furiously wiped her eyes and then tore out of the parking space.  Once on the freeway, she started crying again, sobbing Angel's name.

Once she got home, she screeched the brakes and pulled out the keys.  She walked in her and Riley's apartment and he was waiting.

"Where have you been?" He asked, not threatening or accusing.

Buffy kept her back turned as she hung up her coat.  She threw her un-needed bag in the corner.

"LA."

"Why would you go to LA?"

"To see my father.  I told him not to come to the wedding.  After he already said he couldn't come," Buffy lied.  That had happened, it was just a conversation that had taken place on the phone.  "Anything else?  You want my fingerprints?" she said angrily as she threw her boots against the chair.

"City of Angels," Riley mused.  "See any Angels?"

"If you're suggesting I went to see Angel I did.  I told him not to come too."

"OK," Riley said standing up and kissing her cheek.  "If that's what you want.  And he can't really because.. well it's daylight and in the middle of Sunnydale Memorial park." Buffy flinched as he started to kiss her neck.  "You OK?"

"I'm cold and will you stop asking me if I'm OK!  You act like I'm gonna run out tomorrow."

"You might.  Kidding.  I love you," he says turning her round and kissing her fully.

"I have to see Willow," Buffy said pulling away.  "Sorry would stay but--"

"Take the car," Riley said throwing the keys.  Buffy caught them and nodded.

As soon as she got outside she broke into fits of sobs and she drove away.

Buffy sat behind a gravestone in the cemetery in tears.  Slaying, this was not.  She was so confused.  She convinced herself into loving Riley - normal human Riley - but even before she found out about their day, she still loved Angel with everything she had to give and that Riley could never be able to touch.

"Slayer."

"Spike," Buffy said wiping away tears.  "What do you want?"

Spike went round to the other side of the gravestone and sat down on top of the grave.  Buffy and he were now back to back save for the head stone between them.  He took out his cigarettes and lit one.

"Angel tears," he remarked.

"What?" She asked him.

"You're crying over Angel.  Again.  You know, dark brooding guy.  Sire of mine soulmate of yours?"

"I know who Angel is, thanks Spike," she said mocking him still trying to stop the tears.  "And what are you doing here?"

"Waiting for a vamp to rise so I can kick it's ass," he explained simply.  "Instead I find you weeping over your ex boyfriend instead of your husband to be in a weeks time.  I can tell when you're crying over Angel - everyone can."

"Why the Hell do you care?" Buffy spat trying to get angry enough to forget.

"I don't."

"Oh."

"I just think you're being a little unfair to everyone's favourite Iowain."

"I'm suddenly deciding I don't want to talk about this with you," Buffy says pushing herself up off the earth.  Spike anticpated and moved up with her.

"You trying to tell me you don't still love the great Soulful One?  Aww come on Slayer you're only fooling yourself.  Remember years ago and, ha, I told you that you'd love each other til it kills you both.  Guess I was wrong.  Angel doesn't love you any more."

"Shut up Spike."

"Don't shoot the messenger."

"OK.  I'll stake it," Buffy said whipping out Mr Pointy.

"Or that.  You trying to tell me he still loves you?  After everthing you did to him?"

"He does," Buffy said looking down.

"That's right.  Angel's the persistent type.  Always get's his man- or his Slayer.  But you're not his anymore.  You've got Captain Cardboard.  And he's got Shanshu."

"Shanshu?  What is she?  Japanese?" Buffy fumed. "He never said anything about her."

"Aw Slayer.  Shanshu is one helluva bitch but she's what Angel wants. What he needs.  What he's been looking for."

"Shut up Spike!"

"Why?  When I'm having so much fun!" He smirked.  He walked up close to her.  Buffy pushed him down onto the earth.  He laughed.  "I like it rough Slayer."

"You're a pig Spike."

"So you've told me so many bloody times before," he said looking up at her from his position on the ground.  "Go on Buffy.  Kill me for Angel.  Kill me for Riley.  Kill me for bloody mankind and chipmenship.  Go on Slayer.  Do me."

"Do me," he enforced.  Buffy threw her stake down on the ground and it stuck straight up in the earth.  Buffy broke down into a sob in front of one of her greatest enemies.  Her strong legs gave way and she collapsed onto the ground beside Spike.  Spike didn't know what to do as she cried into her arms.  Cautiously, he brought her to his shoulder.  She clung onto his black t-shirt and cried louder and harder, the tears soaking him.  He bit his lip to stop him saying something to her.

"You're so cold," Buffy whispered.  "Like Angel.  Angel feels so right and so so cool," she moaned.  Spike nodded, not sure whether she acknowleged it or not.  "I love him so much Spike.  Why can't--"

"It's the buggering way of the world Slayer," he said sitting up straight trying not to touch her anymore than he had to.  "Don't beat yourself up all over again.  Let Angel go.  Or go get him.  Simple as."

"No.  No it's not."

"Well, yeah it is.  Get married six days from now to Sergeant Bugg-- I mean Riley.  Or go to LA.  Confront Angel."

"Already did today."

"And?"

"And he has a life.  Without me.  A family.  A world."

"You kidding Slayer?  He doesn't have a world without you.  You are his everything.  He doesn't have a life or anything resembling the one he wants because your not with him.  Without you, Angel is just.. Even as Angelus you two kids were co-dependent.  If you didn't cry over him he'd be pissed off as hell you didn't love Angel anymore and if he didn't torture you, you'd think that he'd stop caring."

"Huh?  That vampire logic?  Torture, hurt that what it amounts to?"

"You and Angel anyway.  As for the rest of us... well. You and Angel are the ones in the world.  Fighting for it and all.  You just let the rest of us live in it."

"What are we doing here Spike?"

"You are sobbing over the great Poof.  I just happened to come by.  Like I said Buff.  You are the attraction, we're all just the sideshow."

"You're like dual personality vamp."

"I'm probably drunk.  that's what it is."

"So Oh great drunk one, what do i do now?"

"It's not a question of love.  It's a question of faith."

"Huh?"

"Flying in the face of common sense Slayer.  Faith.  Not your Slayer buddy but the word.  The feeling.  Faith to make it work.  I'll let you in on a little secret."

"For money?"

"What do you take me-- Well yeah."

"A 50 for tomorrow?"

"Good enough.  I was just teasing you about Shanshu earlier on.  It's not a person.  It's a prophecy Angel's a very big part of.  Trust me."

"Like how?"

"That I'll leave up to you.  Aberjian.  There's another clue for the scooby brats."

"I can't tell them, I can't tell anyone.  They won't understand.  I'm getting married in days!"

"So I'm like your confidante," he concluded grinning.

"Yeah.."

"Ugghh," Spike said sitting down against the gravestone.

"I know.  Spike.  Would you go to LA?"

"Now you want me to play matchmaker?"

"Please."

"Buffy you know.."

"200 dollars in it for you."

"When did you say you want me gone?"

"Now.  You can get there before sunrise."

"Oh Buffy you really care about the immolation of my ass."

"Don't take it too personal."

"I'll keep that in mind."

Angel stood in the lobby and looked at his newly renovated hotel.

Nice, he thought. Is that all?  This much on redoing the whole place and the best comment i can come up with is nice?

"Nice," a familar voice remarked behind him.

"What do you want Spike?" Angel growled sitting on his red velvet chair and holding his head in his hands.

"Thought I'd come by, say hi," Spike said sitting in the opposite chair.

"Really?"

"No not really.  I'm not gonna play mind games with you Angel.  Too tired for any of that.  The Slayer, your Buffy, sent me here," he said taking out a cigarette.

"Is she hurt?  And you can't smoke in here."

Spike growled at him and tucked it back inside his jacket pocket.  "No but she's going a bit loopy.  Courtsey of you.  You know i found her crying.  In the graveyard.  Where all sorts of nasty demons could get her."

"What happened?  Are Willow and Xander--"

"No, nothing like that.  Are you listening?  She was crying for you.  She's at the end of her rope and she's getting married to a man she doesn't even love.  And that's your fault.  Hell you haven't even told her about Shanshu, but I gave her a few hints."

Angel sighed and lay back in his chair staring at the newly painted ceiling.  "I never told her about the prophecy because I don't want to get her hopes up.  It could be generations before I finally do get my reward.  This way she gets to l-live her life."

"With that poof?" Spike spat.  "Angel don't let him beat you.  You never let anyone beat you man, don't start now!"

"He's already won.  She's marrying him isn't she?"

"She doesn't want to Angel.  And she can't get out it.  She wouldn't do that."

"There's no chance Spike."

"There's every chance with you two.  Granted you have some obstacles, but you can get past all that.  I know what it's like Angel, to love someone completely and totally forever but have them wrapped up in someone else.  Like Dru.  She loved me but you were her Sire and you would always be her Sire.  She only wanted me when you were done with her.  And it's sort of like how Riley is now.  He must know Buffy doesn't love him.  Put them both out their misery."

"Spike.. I can't.  I left for her to have this.  You want me to pull out the carpet just as she gets what she wants?"

"She doesn't though.  She doesn't want a normal life with brats because she'll never get that!"

"Why are you helping me?"

"Because you need it.  And I really, really hate that commando bugger.  Oh and Buffy's paying me."

"She's what?  Paying you to come here and talk to me?"

"Guess so."

"How much?"

"300," Spike lied.

"Spike."

"OK, 250."

Angel went to the desk and pulled out a metal tin.  He opened it and took out five fifty dollar bills.  "Don't take the money from her.  It's a wasted journey.  I'm not going back, I can't see her again and i can't save her.  She said she would marry him.  I can't help her."

"You won't.  Don't you care about her at all?"

"It's because I care too much that I'm letting her go!"

"You never let the Slayer go Angelus, don't pretend you have now."

Angel pressed the dollar bills into Spikes hand.  "Don't take anything off her.  And I'll find out if you did.  And I'll kill you.  I'll maybe have a renaissance of torture from the Angeuls period.  I never did get to use a chainsaw on Rupert..." Angel said slipping into Angelus mode to scare Spike a little.  "Plus there was that whole incident where you tortured me.  You've got your money, now get out."

"Uh, sun just came up?"

"Fine stay til night fall and then get out of my sight," Angel growled walking up the stairs.

"Got any blood?" Spike shouted after him.

"Fridge."

Nightfall.
 

Buffy waited in Spike's crypt for about three hours before he showed up.  He staggered in the door carrying a bottle of bourbon.

"Spike-- are you drunk?"

"No.  No I am not," he said sitting down the bottle and walking over to where she was sitting.

"So?"

"So he said you shoulda went there to talk to him instead of sending the middle man."

"You came straight out and told him?"

"Wasn't into buggering around."

"Ho-how did he look?"

"From my perspective same old, same old.  From yours, he was wearing a black pin stripe shirt, smart pants, and looking kinda pale.  No visible battle scars but this whole thing with you was eating him up."

Buffy closed her eyes and imagined him alone.  "What else?"

"I told him you wanted him and he said that he wanted you to have a life.  You told Riley you would marry him, so it's your fault and your problem."

"He really said that?"

"Not in so many words but it was coming."

"Yeah, he's probably thinking it anyway.  Here's the two hundred like we agreed."

"Yeah.. Well.. Angel already paid me.  He asked me what I was doing and how much I was getting paid.  He was none too happy about you paying me for a wasted trip so he gave me the money."

"Oh my god what's that?" Buffy shrieked, taking something from Spikes bleached head and stamping on it.  "It's your conscience!"

"Ha bloody ha Slayer.  He threatened to beat me within an inch of my life if I took money from you.  Then I think he was going to go that extra inch."

"He would do that," Buffy mused.

"So what's the game plan now?"

"I don't now.  I just miss him so much," Buffy said breaking down in tears again.

Oh bloody Hell, Spike groaned.

"Do you know what he did for me?  He turned back time," Buffy said, crying more.

"That Angel's a determined and powerful bugger when it comes to you."

"No he really did.  He erased a day.  Our day," Buffy said through tears.

"Not making any sense Slayer."

"He was human for a whole day Spike.  When i went to LA.  He was human.  Sunlight and happiness and--"

"Shagging?"

"Well yeah," Buffy said drying her eyes.  "And he erased it because I would end up dead.  Only he was supposed to remember.  Something happened and i do."

"Is this why you want back with him?"

"No.  I wanted him before I knew but how can I even think about someone else when he does that for me?"

"Always had to be the bloody martyr, even at loves expense," Spike told her.

"Something like that."

"Slayer you can't force him.  He's stubborn and thinks he's doing what's best."

"I know!  And it's so frustrating because it's not!  i need to find out what Shanshu is.  Can't you just tell me Spike?"

"No because it takes all the fun out of you guessing!"

"This is serious!"

"So am I.  I'm having fun.  So off you go, homework to do."

Friday 18th April 2003
 

Buffy spent all day in Giles's books trying to find the meaning of "shanshu".  She looked up every possible translator she could find and nothing brought her closer. Giles never asked what she was doing because of the resolve on her face.  She would tell him when she was ready.

"Giles," Buffy shouted, holding pen in her mouth.

"Yes Buffy?" He asked rushing to her aid.  she would be ready.

"Giles sit down.  I need to ask you something.  Do you.. um.. do you know what Shanshu is or means?"

"Shanshu, shanshu.  Not off the top of my head," Giles said looking anywhere but Buffy's face.

"Giles you're not telling me the truth."

"You're not telling me the truth either," he accused.

"It's to with Angel, you know it is."

"Buffy it doesn't concern you.  Don't punish yourself.  Let it go."

"No.  I'll call Wesley if you won't help me," Buffy said getting up.

"No Buffy no need," he sighed gesutring her to sit down.  "It's a prophecy Angel's part of.  Wesley thought at first it was that Angel was going to die.  But Shanshu means the circle of life.  Angel's not alive so he's not in the circle.  To shanshu means he gets back in the circle to live until death. He becomes human."

"Human?"

"Yes."

"Mortal?"

"Normal, ordinary Angel in sunlight a-and happiness.."

.."And shagging..."

Buffy blinked.  "Why didn't he tell me?"

"Because he doesn't know when.  Why make you wait?"

"Because i love him!  And he loves me!"

"Buffy--"

"He told me!  Again.  On Wednesday."

"Buffy you're not with Angel now.  Riley and you are getting married in two days."

Buffy stayed silent and stared at the page.  "He should have told me.."

"Buffy please don't do anything rash.  Know what you have and where it's going to take you.  OK?"

"Yes.  Thanks Giles," buffy yawned getting up and putting on her coat.  "I'll do a quick sweep..."

"..In Sunnydale?"

"Yes.  in Sunnydale.  And then go home."

"To Riley."

"Yes," Buffy stared hard.

"Sorry.  I just don't want to see you hurt," Giles said apologectically.

"Yeah i know."

Saturday 19th April
 

"Hey Angel!"

Angel stopped and turned round in the sewers.  "Whistler?"

"Yeah man, it's been a while.  How's the unlife?"

"Fine."

"How about your Slayer?"

"She's not my Slayer."

"Yeah man try that on someone who doesn't know everything about you two.  I did see her come here to see you a few days ago."

"And?"

"And I saw her back in Sunny-D paying a bleached blonde to go spy on you."

"And you're telling me this because...?"

"You remember what I am, what I do."

"Bring the balance between good and evil."

"Yeah.  And I gotta get you two back together."

"That restores the balance?"

"Well we need you two upfront for the battle coming in a few months."

"So we'll work together."

"You really don't get it Angel."

"Get what?"

"Why do you think I introduced you to the Slayer?  So you could get some meat on your bones?  You two kids need to be together. It's fate."

Angel laughed.  "Fate?  Let me tell you about that fate.  Having to always stay away from your love when you want to touch her or hold her.  Keeping the woman you love in darkness with no chance of a family or hope of a normal life."

"You got hope Angel.  Shanshu."

"Like when?  When Buffy's already dead in decades time?"

"Buffy won't make it to next decade if you're not watching her back.  Did you think that kid, the commado kid, knows anything about her or can protect her properly?"

"Buffy doesn't need protecting."

"Great so she's a Slayer.  She's also fragile woman, scared of giving her heart away because the jerk she gave it to last time left her."

Angel shot him a murderous look.  "For her--"

"Own good.  We already heard this song.  Look Angel, you gotta think about the future."

"I don't have one."

"Oh you do," Whistler nodded turning and going in tne other direction.  "Watch your back man!"

"Huh?" Angel said as he dispeared.  Before he could move, he was attacked from behind.

Angel had fought with everything he had against the army of Sulvara demons.  Warriors of Death.  He was bleeding from his right ear, there was a deep gash in right arm which ached and stung everytime he struck out.  He moved between them, throwing a blow with his right fist and swinging his axe with his left arm, decpaitating them.  He kicked out at everything around him.  Shadows or demons, it didn't matter.  He just fought.  Landing blow upon blow on anything that crawled or walked.  His left eye was swollen and he couldn't see very well out of it.  He spat out blood and continued through the army.

He felt dizzy and elated.  He shut his good eyes briefly and opened it.  He realized he had killed all of them.  About thirty dead Warriors of Death.  Angel collapsed against the wall and felt himself soaked to the core with his own blood.  He would get up.. he would..  Sometime soon.. Anytime.

Maybe I'll just shut my eyes for a moment.. then head home..

"Buffy are you alright?" Willow asked her best friend.  She'd been staring out the window for the past 30 minutes silently.

Buffy closed her eyes and let his name escape her lips.  He was hurt, in trouble.. worse.

"FIne.  I'm fine," she shrugged.  "Why wouldn't I be?"

"Wedding jitters?"

"Buffy."

"Will, I think Angel's in trouble."

"How do you know?"

"I never told you this.. You know how I feel him when he's near, inside?  Well when he's badly hurt or scared, I feel it inside too.  He's really scared Will," Buffy said quickly drying a tear with the heel of her hand.

"Oh Buffy.." WIllow said hugging her.  "This is your pre-wedding night jitters really.  Angel's always in trouble.  He will always be in trouble.  But he gets out of it."

"I know I know.. But what about the one time he doesn't and I'm not there.. I don't know.."

"You can't know Buffy.  He thinks the same thing in relation to you," Willow soothed.  "He'll always be a part of you.."

"No Will, he's every part," Buffy told her through tear stained cheeks and gritted teeth.  Willows jaw dropped noticeably when she saw the truth in Buffy's eyes.

"Buffy why are you marrying Riley?"

"I don't know, I don't know.  I've never loved him a fraction of what I felt for Angel.  But he's nice, normal, human guy.  He loves me.  And I can't break his heart."

"So you'll spend fifty years with him?"

"Shorten that by forty-five years."

"Buffy."

"Willow."

"What are you gonna do?"

Buffy looked out the window again over Sunnydale.  "Marry Riley.  Tomorrow at three.  Angel's hardly going to come and stop me.  I have to-- I have to move on.  Right?"

"Right."

"But I don't want to."

"It's hard Buffy--"

"No Will, it shouldn't be this hard. Four years next month he left me.  I should be over this.  But he's the only one I love like that.  God, Will," she whimpered.  "I have a dress.  I have fifty people coming.  I have hymns and floral decorations for crying out loud.  But I don't have my soulmate waiting at the altar."

"Next Best Thing?"

"I guess."

"So.. Are we on?"

Buffy nodded, furiously drying tears.  "You won't tell anyone.. what I told you?"

"Buffy I always knew without you telling me.  I haven't blabbed so far."

Buffy smiled in relief and enveloped Willow again.

Sunday 19th of April

Buffy stood in the temporary shrouded gazebo on the park lawn, specially erected for the ceremony.  Willow was fluffing her dress and fixing her veil.  Buffy just studied herself in the mirror, every inch.  Thinking what Angel would say if he was here.  How he'd tell her she looked so beautiful.

"Buffy," Giles said behind her.  She spun round and saw Giles dressed in a suit.

"Giles," she smiled at him.

"You're father.. is alright with me giving you away?"

"I don't know.  And if he wasn't I wouldn't care.  Look around.  He can't come to his only daughters wedding."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm not.  Really.  He's just an.."  Willow shot her a look.  "Sorry. I forgot, no aggressions before nuptials.  Sorry Miss Bridesmaid-In-Charge-Of-Everything."  Giles repressed a smirk.  "Why thank you Giles," Buffy said sarcastically, turning to him.

"F-for what?"

"Complimenting me on--"

"You look lovely Buffy," he smiled.

"Thanks."

"I think we're go," Willow said looking outside the covered gazebo.

"Ready?" Giles asked offering his arm.

"As I'll ever be," Buffy replied slipping her arm through his.  They heard the wedding march start up and Willow walked in front as Bridesmaid.  Then the proper march started and everyone rose.

"Here we go," Buffy sighed.  Giles looked at Buffy alarmed and stopped her from exiting the gazebo.

"Y-you don't want to get married to Riley?"

"It's too late now Giles.  I made a promise.."

"Buffy you are not going to waste your life because you accepted a proposal."

"No it's OK Giles.  I do want to get married.." Just not to Riley.. Hell Spike'd be better... At least he has Angel's blood..

"Let's go," she urged him.

Outside they shuffled nervously and Riley peered past the rows of garden seats.

Buffy and Giles came out and everyone gasped at how Buffy looked.  She looked at Riley up ahead, grinning like this was the best day of his life.

It probably was the best day of his life.  Buffy reached the front and handed her flowers to Willow.  She turned to Riley and took his hands.

She cleared her throat and turned to the priest as he started speaking. "Dearly beloved we are gathered here today.."

Buffy glanced past the priest and caught sight of something past the tree.  Someone.  Angel..

It couldn't be..

That wasn't him racing over the grassy hills in the park on a beautiful warm summers day. Was it?  He destroyed the Gem of Amara.  It looked like his duster flapping in the wind and his torn shirt and trousers with dried blood in patches.

Buffy did a double take and the man was still making his way to them.  Buffy froze.  Her throat was dry, her legs wouldn't do what they were told.. Her lips tried to sound out words..

"..Should any persons present know of any reason why these two shouldn't be joined in holy matrimony, please speak now or hold your peace."

"Me!" Angel shouted running up to the ceremony, the last few yards Buffy knew it was him.  She put off the feeling as butterflies from the wedding but it was Angel Feeling.  "Go back a line!" He announced.  Eevryone gasped and was curious about this battered man.  "I object!" He panted.  As he reached the altar, he doubled over and breathed heavily.

Angel didn't need to catch his breath did he?

"Buffy wanna tell me what's going on?" Riley asked her embarassed.

"She can't marry you," Angel told him.

"Why Angel?" Buffy probed.

"Because I still love you.  And for once I want to be selfish and have you be with me instead of anyone else."

"You do?" Buffy asked near to tears.  Riley dropped her hands from his and she didn't notice.  Angel nodded furiously.

"I'm so sorry Buffy for everything.. And Hell I might be throwing away your happiness here but I know you'll be happy with me Buffy.. And if anyone hasn't noticed it's a nice sunny day, air in my lungs.." He grinned.

"Are you..."

"He's human," Giles remarked.

"100% human and all for you Buffy," he laughed giddily.  "Sorry, it's just been a while since I've seen the sun.  I love you.  And I'm betting you still love me too because you did that whole thing with Spike and all.." He grinned.

"Shanshu?" Buffy remembered.

"Shanshu," Giles said thoughtfully.

"What-shu?" Xander asked.  The students and friends of Riley and Buffy looked on confused.  RIley was grateful his family couldn't make it from Iowa for the first time.

"Angel would 'shanshu'.  Turn human."

"Dead boy's not dead?  He's undead.. Well.. Alive?" Xander asked.

"Well?" Angel asked.

"What are you offering?" Buffy teased.

"Everything we almost never got to have.  I'm offering the full package Buffy.  Life, family, bed in breakfast, shoulder rubs, a certain thing we've only done once in your mind.  Everything.  And this time I won't run away or give it back.  Believe me, I'm not that stupid," he grinned.  Buffy laughed and ran forward into his arms, kissing him passionately.

"Oh God Angel," she cried kissing him all over repeatedly, hiking up her wedding dress.  "Oh Angel," she whimpered as he laughed and returned his kisses.  Her hands wandered irrationally over his body, not sure what to do, just happy to feel him.  "Let me feel your heart beat."

Angel smiled and pulled her hand to his chest.  She muffled and cry of joy with her hand and continued kissing him...

In that moment there was only sun, Angel human again and working on making up those three years of not touching him, kissing him and being near him.

They forgot about Xander, Willow and Giles nearby.  They forgot about the priest and the congregation.  They forgot about a hurt Riley retreating back down the aisle.  They forgot about the world and the demons in it.

It was just them.  Together again.  Reunited.  Whole Again.