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How do you decide when to let something go or to deal with it? CT - Purchase, N.Y.

If you choose to deal with the issue straight out, there are two goals to accomplish.  The first is to tell the other person how his or her action made you feel.  The second is to let this person know the effect this action had on you.

One way to do this is to use the "I statement".  An example of this is, "I felt angry when you yelled at me in front of my friends.  It made me want to embarrass you in front of your friends.    This way of dealing with something that bothers you lets you get your feeling out without blaming the other person and causing more problems between the two of you.    It also gives the other person a chance to know what's going on and maybe may stop him or her from doing the same thing again.   Many times this person may not have realized what the effect was on you.

Even if this person doesn't understand why you are upset, or seem to care, you've given yourself a chance to let out your feelings rather than let them build up inside of you.   Withholding feelings can often make you feel worse.

If you don't deal with the situation, you may find that it will effect your attitude, not only about the person who has made you feel that way, but on other people who you care about.  It's your choice.

How do you help yourself to get ready for dealing with a situation that you know will stress you and the other person out? TA -Rye, N.Y.

When you come into such a situation you need to be able to think about what you are going to say rather than just rushing into it when you are upset.

The key to getting yourself ready for such a tense situation is to make yourself as relaxed as you can.  One way to loosen yourself up is to take 5 or more slow deep breaths and shake your hands and body.   Another way is to think of something or someone who makes you smile, of a really nice experience that you had, or a place that made you feel relaxed.  (Being at the beach or in the country having fun or just lying around and taking in the whole scene).   Some people like to listen to music or do other things.  No doubt you have your own ways of calming down.  Try any way(s) that you think may work for you.

How do you deal with people who won't listen to what you have to say even if you know what you tell them would be good for them? GB -Rye, N.Y.

If someone doesn't want to hear what you have to say or listen to your advice, just leave it be.  The only thing that you can do is accept that the other person's way of thinking of what he or she believes is different from the way you see things.  Pushing your beliefs or ideas on others does nothing for your relationship with them except make things more difficult between you and the other person.  Accepting the way the other person thinks or believes says to them, "I respect your thinking.   It may be different from the way I think or feel, but it's okay.  We don't have to agree with each other."  This is another form of respect between the two of you.

You have a problem and you want to talk about it to another person.  All that you want from that other person is for him or her to listen to you.  He or she keeps giving you advice and tries to help you solve the problem.    You get more frustrated and don't listen to what they are telling you to do.    This person becomes angry because you are not going to follow his or her advice.   What do you do? PF -New City, N.Y.

This is something that happens to many people of all ages.   Before beginning to tell about the problem you are having tell the other person, straight out, that all you want from them is to listen.  It is what you need from them at this point.

Another way to deal with this situation is to cut them off as they are giving you advice or criticism and tell them that all you want from them is to hear you out.

The same is true when someone comes to you with their problem.  When they come to you, ask them whether they want your opinion or advice or just want you to listen to what they have to say.

Letting people know directly what you want from them is a great way of being able to really feel comfortable talking to others and having them feel comfortable talking to you.    It also prevents misunderstanding and allows you and the other person to speak freely without receiving UNWANTED advice or criticism.