Jokes, Military Humour etc...

On July 20 , 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil
Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first
words after stepping on the moon,  "That's one small step for man, one
giant leap for mankind" were televised to Earth and heard by Millions.

But, just before he reentered the lander he made the enigmatic
remark: "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some
rival Soviet Cosmonaut.  However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky
in either the Russian or American space program.

Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the
"Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions
following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question
to Armstrong. This time he finally responded.  Mr. Gorsky had died and
so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

In 1938 when he was a kid in a small midwest town, he was playing baseball
with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in 
his neighbor's yard by the bedroom window.

His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs.
Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky.  "Sex!  You want sex?!  You'll get
sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
Despite acts of great heroism, three British soldiers returned from 
the Falkland Islands without being decorated. The captain called them
into his office to explain.

"Bit of a cock-up in the medals department, chaps," he said, "so the 
regiment has decided to give you ten pounds sterling for each inch of
measurement between any two parts of your bodies. Private, which 
measurement for you?"

"Tip of me toes to the top of me head, sah!"

"That's 720 pounds. Well done, private. Corporal?"

"Tip of one hand to the tip of the other, me arms outstretched, sah!"

The captain took the measurement. "Six feet, two inches....740 pounds.
Very good, corporal.

Sergeant, how about you?"

"Tip of me prick to me balls, sah!"

"Very well. Drop your trousers, then."

The captain put his tape measure at one end of the man's penis, then 
looked up and asked, "Where are your balls, Sergeant?"

"Goose Green, Falklands, sah!"
Mutant Marsupials Take Up Arms Against Australian Air Force

The reuse of some object-oriented code has caused tactical
headaches for Australia's armed forces. As virtual reality
simulators assume larger > roles in helicopter combat
training, programmers have gone to great lengths to
increase the realism of their scenarios, including detailed
landscapes and - in the case of the Northern Territory's
Operation Phoenix - herds of kangaroos (since disturbed
animals might well give away a helicopter's position). The
head of the Defense Science & Technology Organization's
Land Operations/Simulation division reportedly instructed
developers to model the local marsupials' movements and
reactions to helicopters. Being efficient programmers, they
just re-appropriated some code originally used to model
infantry detachment reactions under the same stimuli,
changed the mapped icon from a soldier to a kangaroo, and
increased the figures' speed of movement.Eager to
demonstrate their flying skills for some visiting American
pilots, the hotshot Aussies "buzzed" the virtual kangaroos
in low flight during a simulation. The kangaroos scattered,
as predicted, and the visiting Americans nodded
appreciatively... then did a double-take as the kangaroos
reappeared from behind a hill and launched a barrage of
Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter. (Apparently the
programmers had forgotten to remove that part of the
infantry coding.)
The lesson? Objects are defined with certain attributes,
and any new object defined in terms of an old one inherits
all the attributes. The embarrassed programmers had learned
to be careful when reusing object-oriented code, and the
Yanks left with a newfound respect for Australian wildlife.
Simulator supervisors report that pilots from that point
onward have strictly avoided kangaroos, just as they were
meant to.
From June 15, 1999 Defense Science and Technology
Organization Lecture Series, Melbourne, Australia, and
staff reports.
If you tell the Army to secure a building, they will occupy
it and forbid entry to those without a pass.

If you tell the Marines to secure a building, they will
assault it with heavy fire, capture the building, fortify it,
and call for an air strike.

If you tell the Navy to secure a building, they will turn out
the lights and lock the door.

If you tell the Air Force to secure a building, they take out
a 3 year lease with option to buy.

1995 Darwin Awards Runner Up
A pile of smoldering metal imbedded into the side of a cliff
rising above the road, at the apex of a curve. The wreckage
resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The
type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The folks in the
lab finally figured out what it was, and what had happened. 
It seems that a former Air Force Sergeant had somehow got hold
of a JATO unit, (Jet Assisted Take Off unit, actually a solid-
fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport
planes an extra `push' for taking off from short airfields.
He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert, and found a
long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit
to his car, jumped in, got up some speed, and fired off the
JATO! Best as they could determine, he was doing somewhere
between 250 and 300 mph (350-420kph) when he came to that
curve.... The brakes were completely burned away, apparently
from trying to slow the car.

Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however,
small fragments of bone, teeth, and hair were extracted from the
crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from the
steering wheel.
"In a hurry are we, sir?"
Two members of the Lothian and Borders traffic police were out
on the Berwickshire moors with a radar gun recently, happily
engaged in apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment
suddenly locked-up completely with an unexpected reading of well
over 300 mph. The mystery was explained seconds later as a low
flying Harrier hurtled over their heads. The 'boys in blue,'
upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint to
the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out
that the damage might well have been more severe. The Harrier's
target acquisition computer had locked on to the 'enemy' radar
and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile
attack. Luckily(?), the Harrier was operating unarmed.

How was that?
A couple of TAC pilots were flying F-102's in escort with a B-36
bomber and were chinning with the pilot of the bomber to pass
the time. Talk fell to the subject of the relative merits of
their respective aircraft with the fighter pilots holding that
their planes made for more interesting flying because of their
manueverability, acceleration and the like. The B-36 pilot
replied "Yeh? Well this old girl can do a few tricks you guys
can't even touch." Naturally, he was challenged to demonstrate.
"Watch," he tells them.
After several minutes the bomber pilot returns to the air and
says, "There! How was that?" Not having seen anything, the
fighter pilots say, "What are you talking about?" Reply, "Well,
I went for a little stroll, got a cup of coffee and went
downstairs for a chat with the navigator."


Captain Kirk
The loadmaster on a USAF C-130 was invited to take the
engineer's seat for awhile. He started jabbering away, not
realizing that he was trans- mitting on Uniform instead of over the ICS:

LM: "Hey, this is great! I see why you engineers like this seat
so much -- you can see everything from here! This is just like
the starship Enterprise! All ahead, Mr. Sulu, warp factor ten!"

Followed shortly afterward by:

ATC: "You wanna get back on intercom, Captain Kirk? You're
transmitting on my frequency!"

Military Aircraft Registration Card...
McDonnell Douglas

AIRCRAFT-SPACE SYSTEMS-MISSILES

Important! Important! Important! Important!
Please fill out and mail this card within 10 days of purchase.

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft.
In order to protect your new investment, please take a few
moments to fill out the warranty registration card below.
Answering the survey questions is not required, but the
information will help us to develop new products that best meet
your needs and desires.
1. __Mr. __Mrs. __Ms. __Miss __Lt. __Gen. __Comrade __Classified __Other 

First Name____________________Initial____Last Name_________________________ 

Latitude________________________Longitude__________________________________ 

Altitude________________________Password, Code Name, Etc.__________________ 

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase? 

__F-14 Tomcat __F-15 Eagle __F-16 Falcon __F-117A Stealth __Classified 

3. Date of purchase: Month___________Day___________Year____________ 

4. Serial Number____________________ 

5. Please check where this product was purchased: 

__Received as Gift/Aid Package 
__Catalog Showroom 
__Sleazy Arms Broker 
__Mail Order 
__Discount Store 
__Government Surplus 
__Classified 

6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas
product you have just purchased:

__Heard loud noise, looked up 
__Store Display 
__Espionage 
__Recommended by friend/relative/ally 
__Political lobbying by Manufacturer 
__Was attacked by one 

7. Please check the three (3) factors which most influenced your
decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

__Style/Appearance 
__Kickback/Bribe 
__Recommended by salesperson 
__Speed/Maneuverability 
__Comfort/Convenience 
__McDonnell Douglas Reputation 
__Advanced Weapons Systems 
__Price/Value 
__Back-Room Politics 
__Negative experience opposing one in combat 

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:

__North America 
__Central/South America 
__Aircraft Carrier 
__Europe 
__Middle East 
__Africa 
__Asia/Far East 
__Misc. Third-World Countries 
__Classified 

9. Please check the products that you currently own, or intend
to purchase in the near future:

Product Own Intend to purchase 


Color TV 
VCR 
ICBM 
Hunter-Killer Satellite 
CD Player 
Air-to-Air Missiles 
Space Shuttle 
Home Computer 
Nuclear Weapon 

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? Check
all that apply:

__Communist/Socialist 
__Terrorist 
__Crazed (Islamic) 
__Crazed (Other) 
__Neutral 
__Democratic 
__Dictatorship 
__Corrupt (Latin American) 
__Corrupt (Other) 
__Primitive/Tribal 

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

__Cash 
__Suitcases of Cocaine 
__Oil Revenues 
__Deficit Spending 
__Personal Check 
__Credit Card 
__Ransom Money 
__Traveler's Check 

12. Occupation, You and Your Spouse:

Homemaker __ 
Sales/Marketing__ 
Revolutionary__ 
Clerical__ 
Mercenary__ 
Tyrant__ 
Middle Management__ 
Eccentric Billionaire__ 
Defense Minister/General__ 
Retired__ 
Student__ 

13. To help us understand our Customers' lifestyles, please
indicate the interests and activities in which you and your
spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:

Activity  Interest You Your Spouse 


Golf 
Boating/Sailing 
Sabotage 
Running/Jogging 
Propaganda/Disinformation 
Destabilizing/Overthrow 
Default on Loans 
Gardening 
Crafts 
Black Market/Smuggling 
Collectibles/Collections 
Watching Sports on TV 
Wines 
Interrogation/Torture 
Household Pets 
Crushing Rebellions 
Espionage/Reconnaissance 
Fashion Clothing 
Border Disputes 
Mutually Assured Destruction 

Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your
answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell
Douglas serve you better in the future -- as well as allowing
you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies,
governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write
to: 

McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION 
Marketing Department 
Military Aerospace Division 
P.O. Box 800 
St. Louis, MO 55500
"Lightning" Reflexes...
And how about the British Lightning that came by to arrange some
details for a squadron rotation? He flew in at 4pm, all our
pilots were standing at the side of the runway, watching him
come in. After four or five low and fast afterburner passes,
impressing the hell out of all of us, it was time to land. After
touchdown (200 mph) he popped the dragchute but it fell on the
runway, packed in it's holder.... OOPS Ok, so he started hitting
the brakes, 'cause he sure didn't want to get stuck in the cable
at the end. By the time he came by us the brakes were so hot the
first tire exploded with a loud bang. Not three seconds later
the second one went out...The aircraft started moving down the
runway like it was piloted by a drunk.....The fire brigade
started rolling after him (He's still going about 100 mph) He
shut the engine down as he approached the side of the runway. He
got off the side into the soft Dutch mud and half of the
aircraft digs into the dirt so deep that his right wing sat on
the ground. Fuel started spilling overboard and the fire started
as the fire brigade pulls up.....They parked right next to the
aircraft (these guys are the real heroes!) and put out the fire
with foam while dragging the pilot out of the cockpit.. After
the formalities the pilot came to the squadron bar where we
offer him an alcoholic beverage to overcome the shock. The
squadron commander welcomes him with a speech that starts out
with: Do you guys always land this way? How many aircraft are
you going to bring?? As a remembrance we gave him a picture of
his aircraft being hosed down by the fire brigade, using the
exploded tire as a frame. I don't think this picture was
displayed proudly in their squadron ready room!!!

 
These are actual lines out of OER (Officer Efficiency Report)
performance appraisal for the military

- Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

- Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

- A room temperature IQ.

- Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
together.

- A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary
ignoramus.

- A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

- A prime candidate for natural deselection.

- Bright as Alaska in December.

- One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.

- Donated his body to science before he was done using it.

- Fell out of the family tree.

- Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming.

- Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for
it.

- He's so dense, light bends around him.

- If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

- If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
week.

- If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.

- If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

- It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

- One neuron short of a synapse.

- Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

- Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

- Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

- Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

 

Fixed it?
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air
Force Pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews:

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement." 
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire." 

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough." 
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft." 

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't." 
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW." 

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit." 
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit." 

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing
gear." 
Solution: "Evidence removed." 

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud." 
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level." 

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield." 
Solution: "Live bugs on order." 

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm
descent." 
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground." 

Problem: "IFF inoperative." 
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode." 

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick." 
Solution: "That's what they're there for." 

Problem: "Number three engine missing." 
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search." 

A Stiff Upper-lip.
When the British military judges its officers, it sometimes does
so with the droll humour of a Noel Coward play. Here are some
excerpts taken from Royal Navy and Royal Marines fitness
reports. 

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity. 

I would not breed from this Officer. 

This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, more of a
definitely won't-be. 

When she opens her mouth, it seems only to change whichever foot
was previously in there. 

He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his
entire satisfaction. 

He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle. 

Technically sound, but socially impossible. 

This young lady has delusions of adequacy. 

When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny;
since then he has aged considerably. 

This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from
port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar. 

This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope--always
spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going
anywhere. 

Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started
to dig. 

She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them. 

He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age. 

This Officer should go far--and the sooner he starts, the
better. 

In my opinion this pilot should not be authorised to fly below
250 feet. 

The only ship I would recommend for this man is citizenship. 

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a
rat in a trap. 

This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 


There's a story about a C-124 and an F-4 on intersecting
taxiways at Rhein-Main long ago. The F-4 driver asked Ground
what the Globemaster's intentions were. It is said that the
C-124 pilot opened the clamshell doors in the nose and
announced, "I'm going to eat you." 

Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval
Operations 

#1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a
collision.
#2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to
avoid a collision.

#1: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.
#2: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. 

#1: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE
WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
#2: This is a lighthouse. Your call.


I heard this from my brother, who is a Search and Rescue pilot
at Canadian Forces Base Bagotville, Québec. It's an apocryphal
story that allegedly happened late one night during bad weather,
as heard over the tower radio: 

Helicopter Pilot: "Roger, I'm holding at 3000 over beacon." 

Second voice: "NO! You can't be doing that! I'm holding at 3000
over that beacon!" 

(Brief pause, then first voice again): "You idiot, you're my
co-pilot." 

I divide my officers into four classes; the clever, the lazy,
the industrious, and the stupid. Each officer possesses at least
two of these qualities. Those who are clever and industrious are
fitted for the highest staff appointments. Use can be made of
those who are stupid and lazy. The man who is clever and lazy
however is for the very highest command; he has the temperament
and nerves to deal with all situations. But whoever is stupid
and industrious is a menace and must be removed immediately!

General Baron Von Hammersteiner-Equord
Commander-in-Chief
The Reichswehr

From A Soviet Document: "One of the serious problems in planning
against Canadian doctrine is that the Canadians do not read
their manuals nor do they feel any obligation to follow their
doctrine." 
A German General Officer: "The reason that the Canadian Army
does so well in wartime, is that war is chaos, and the Canadian
Army practices chaos on a daily basis." 

Anonymous 1st Canadian Division Staff Officer: "If we don't know
what we are doing, the enemy certainly can't anticipate our
future actions!" 

RANK RECOGNITION MADE EASY 
General 
Faster than a speeding bullet. 
More powerful than a locomotive. 
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. 
Walks on water. 
Lunches with God, but must pick up tab. 

Colonel 
Almost as fast as a speeding bullet. 
More powerful than a shunting engine on a steep incline. 
Leaps short buildings with a single bound. 
Walks on water if sea is calm. 
Talks to God. 

Lieutenant-Colonel 
Faster than an energetically thrown rock. 
Almost as powerful as a speeding bullet. 
Leaps short buildings with a running start in favourable winds. 
Walks on water of indoor swimming pools if lifeguard is present. 
May be granted audience with God if special request is approved
at least three working days in advance.
 
Major 
Can fire a speeding bullet with tolerable accuracy. 
Loses tug-of-war against anything mechanical. 
Makes impressively high marks when trying to leap tall
buildings. 
Swims well. 
Is occasionally addressed by God, in passing. 

Captain 
Can sometimes handle firearm without shooting self. 
Is run over by trains. 
Barely clears outhouse. 
Dog paddles. 
Mumbles to self. 

Lieutenant 
Is dangerous to self and comrades if armed and unsupervised. 
Recognizes trains two out of three times. 
Runs into tall buildings. 
Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of life jacket
and water wings. 
Talks to walls. 

2nd Lieutenant 
Can be trusted with either gun or ammunition but never both. 
Must have train ticket pinned to jacket and mittens tied to
sleeves. 
Falls over doorsteps while trying to enter tall buildings. 
Plays in Mud puddles. 
Stutters. 

Officer Cadet 
Under no circumstances to be issued with gun or ammunition, and
must even be closely supervised when handling sharp pieces of
paper - staples are right out. 
Says: "Look at choo choo!" 
Not allowed inside buildings of any size. 
Makes good boat anchor. 
Mere existence makes God shudder. 

Sergeant-Major 
Catches hyper sonic armour peircing fin stabilized discarding
sabot depleted uranium long rod penetrators in his teeth and
eats them. 
Kicks bullet trains off their tracks. 
Uproots tall buildings and walk under them. 
Freezes water with a single glance; parts it with trifling
gesture. 
Is God. 

Are You a Prospective Intelligence Officer? 
Since the career panel may decide to administer written
examinations for candidates seeking certification as
professional Intelligence Officers, we are passing along these
sample questions to help you prepare for the ordeal. 

Typical Qualifying Examination 
Read each question thoroughly. Answer all questions. Time limit
- four hours. 

History 
Describe the history of all religions from their earliest
origins to the present day. Prove which is best in a manner that
will convince all others. 

Medicine 
You will be given a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle
of scotch. Remove your own appendix. Do not suture until your
work has been inspected. You will have 15 minutes to complete
this operation. 

Public Speaking 
2500 riot-crazed fanatics will be turned loose in a classroom
with you. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except
Latin and Greek. 

Biology 
Create life. You are required to estimate the differences in
subsequent human culture if this life-form had developed 500
millions ago, with special attention to the effects on our next
election. Prove who would have been our next prime minister and
why. 

Music 
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate it and perform it with flute
and drum. You will find a piano under your seat. 

Psychology 
Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate their emotional
stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of
the following: Alexander, Ramsesall, Gregory of Nicoa, Joan of
Arc, and Hammurabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from
each person's work, making appropriate references. It is not
necessary to translate. 

Sociology 
Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end
of the world. Construct a full-scale experiment to test your
theory. 

Management Science 
Define management and science. How do they relate? Create a
generalized algorithm that can be used to optimize all
managerial decisions. Design the systems interface and prepare
all software necessary to program this algorithm on whatever
computer may be selected by the examiners. 

Engineering 
The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle will be placed on
your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in
Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungary Bengal tiger will be admitted
into your room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be
prepared to justify your decision. 

Economics 
Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the National Debt.
Trace the possible effects on your planet, on the wave theory of
light, and on the overcrowding of citizens band radio channels.

Political Science 
With a quarter that you will be given, go to any pay phone and
start World War III. Report on its socio-political effects, if
any. 

Epistemology 
Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your
position. 

Physics 
Explain the nature of matter. Your answer must include an
evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics and
science, plus the possible effect of electromagnetic radiation
on global pollution and on the love life of radar operators who
spend long hours in that environment. 

Philosophy 
Sketch the development of human though; estimate its
significance. Compare this with the development of any other
kinds of thought. 

General Knowledge 
Describe everything you know in detail. Be objective and
specific. 

Extra Credit 
Define the universe and give three examples. 

Book of Armaments
Chapter 2, Verses 9 through 21
9. And Saint Antioch raised the hand grenade up on high saying
"Oh Lord bless this thy hand grenade with which it shall blow up
thy enemies into tiny bits, in thy mercy."

10. And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast on the
lambs, and carp, and orangotangs and breakfast cereals, and
fruit baskets...

...

17. And the Lord spake saying "First shalt though take out the
holy pin. Then shalt though count to three. No more, no less.

18. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number
of the counting shall be three.

19. Four shalt thou not count , nor either count thou two
excepting that thou then proceed to three.

20. Five is right out.

21. Once the number three, being the thrid number be reached,
then lobbest thou thy holy hand grenade of Antioch towards thy
foe, who being not in thy sight, shall suffer.



Back in the days of the glorious British Empire, a young officer
arrived at his first posting, the command of a tiny fort in the
middle of the desert, twenty miles from the nearest town.

His new second-in-command is showing him around the base, when
just outside the fort's walls they come across a decrepid,
flea-ridden old camel.
'What's this bloomin' camel for?' asked the officer?

'Well, sir,' his second-in-command replied, 'the troops, stuck
out here in the desert for months at a time, have certain...
er... manly needs, from time to time. And when they need to do
something about them, they use old Deirdre the camel here'.

The officer, rather embarrassed, says nothing, and continues
with the tour.

A few months go by, and the officer is beginning to feel those
'manly needs' himself. So he calls his number two and says:

'I feel I may... erm... require the services of Deirdre the camel tonight. 
Tell me, when the men...erm... use her, do they have her bathed first?'

'Yes, sir'.

'Well then, see to it that she is bathed'.

'They also have her flea-powdered, first, sir'.

'Very good, see that that is done, too. And I couldn't help but
notice that she is a rather tall animal. Tell me, do the men use
a ladder when they, erm... mount her?'

'Yes sir, always'.

'Very well, see to it that a ladder is provided'.

'Very good sir. She'll be prepared for you within the hour.'

After an hour, the officer is escorted to the side of the fort,
where Deirde waits, powdered, washed and with a ladder by her
side.

The officer moves the ladder to the back of the animal, climbs
it, drops his pants and begins furiously ramming into the backside 
of the animal. 
He motions to his second-in-command:'Tell me, is this how the
men do it?'

'Well, no sir, they normally ride the camel to the nearest town
and pay for a prostitute, sir'.

Buddy Hackett was recently reliving his days as soldier assigned
 to a motor pool unit.  One day he answered the phone.

"Soldier, can you tell me what equipment is available for use 
immediately?"  the voice commanded.

"Well, sir, we have two tanks, a half-dozen half-tracks, two 
armoured personnel carriers, couple of motorcycles, and Fat-Ass
 Johnson's command Jeep, sir."

"Soldier?  Do you know who you are speaking to?"

"No, sir."

"This is Major Johnson, your commander!"

"Uh, sir?  Do you know who you are speaking to?"

"No, I do not!"

"That's good.  Goodbye, Fat-Ass!"
A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle.  He 
looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it.  A genie 
appeared and thanked the man for letting him out.  The genie 
said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one."
 The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted
 to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid
 of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill.  So I wish for 
a road to be built from here to Hawaii." 

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think 
I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings
needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have 
to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the 
pavement that would be needed. And of course, just how 
unnatural that would be, the world might freak out! It could 
create a religious and scientific panic!  No, that is just too much 
to ask." 

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is
 one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be 
able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, 
why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get
 along with?  Basically, what makes them tick?" The genie 
considered it for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two 
lanes or four?" 

Below are excerpts from both U.S. and British officer
performance reviews. Nobody I know but they're a laugh.

Actual lines out of U.S. Millitary OERs (Officers Efficency
Report)

- Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
- Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching. 
- A room temperature IQ
- Got a full 6-Pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
together.
- A prime candidate for natural deselection. 
- Bright as Alaska in December
- Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming. 
- So dense, light bends around him.
- If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
- If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
week. 
- Was lift on the Tilt-a-whirl a bit too long as a baby.
- Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.


Actual exerpts from the Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness
reports:

...His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity. 
...I would not breed from this officer.
...He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his
entire satisfaction.
...He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle. 
...This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
...This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals
from port to port, amd my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
...Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has
started to dig.
...She sets low personal standards and then consistantly fails
to acheive them.
...He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
...Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like
a rat in a trap.
...This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMBAT

  • If it's stupid but works, it's not stupid.
  • Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
  • When in doubt, empty your magazine.
  • Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
  • Remember: Your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
  • If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
  • No well designed battle plan survives the first contact with the enemy.
  • All 5-second grenade fuses will burn out in 3.
  • Try to look unimportant. The enemy may be low on ammo.
  • If you are forward of your position the artillery will always fall short.
  • The important things are always hard.
  • The simple things are always simple.
  • The easy way is always hard.
  • If you are short of everything except enemy, you're in combat.
  • When you have secured an objective, don't forget to let the enemy know about it.
  • Incoming fire has the right of way.
  • If the enemy is in range, SO ARE YOU.
  • No combat ready unit ever passed inspection.
  • Things that must be together to work usually can't be shipped together.
  • Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support desperately.
  • Anything you do can get you shot, including doing nothing.
  • Tracers work both ways.
  • The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
  • Make it tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
  • If you more than your fair share of objectives, you will have more than your fair share of objectives to take.
  • When both sides are convinced that they are about to lose, they are both right.
  • Professional soldiers are predictable, just watch out for amateurs.
  • Murphy was a probably a miserable old cynic that needed a bit of cheering up.


  • If you have comments or suggestions, email me at sapperwatson@oocities.com
     

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