On July 20 , 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" were televised to Earth and heard by Millions. But, just before he reentered the lander he made the enigmatic remark: "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space program. Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. In 1938 when he was a kid in a small midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
Despite acts of great heroism, three British soldiers returned from the Falkland Islands without being decorated. The captain called them into his office to explain. "Bit of a cock-up in the medals department, chaps," he said, "so the regiment has decided to give you ten pounds sterling for each inch of measurement between any two parts of your bodies. Private, which measurement for you?" "Tip of me toes to the top of me head, sah!" "That's 720 pounds. Well done, private. Corporal?" "Tip of one hand to the tip of the other, me arms outstretched, sah!" The captain took the measurement. "Six feet, two inches....740 pounds. Very good, corporal. Sergeant, how about you?" "Tip of me prick to me balls, sah!" "Very well. Drop your trousers, then." The captain put his tape measure at one end of the man's penis, then looked up and asked, "Where are your balls, Sergeant?" "Goose Green, Falklands, sah!"
Mutant Marsupials Take Up Arms Against Australian Air Force The reuse of some object-oriented code has caused tactical headaches for Australia's armed forces. As virtual reality simulators assume larger > roles in helicopter combat training, programmers have gone to great lengths to increase the realism of their scenarios, including detailed landscapes and - in the case of the Northern Territory's Operation Phoenix - herds of kangaroos (since disturbed animals might well give away a helicopter's position). The head of the Defense Science & Technology Organization's Land Operations/Simulation division reportedly instructed developers to model the local marsupials' movements and reactions to helicopters. Being efficient programmers, they just re-appropriated some code originally used to model infantry detachment reactions under the same stimuli, changed the mapped icon from a soldier to a kangaroo, and increased the figures' speed of movement.Eager to demonstrate their flying skills for some visiting American pilots, the hotshot Aussies "buzzed" the virtual kangaroos in low flight during a simulation. The kangaroos scattered, as predicted, and the visiting Americans nodded appreciatively... then did a double-take as the kangaroos reappeared from behind a hill and launched a barrage of Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter. (Apparently the programmers had forgotten to remove that part of the infantry coding.) The lesson? Objects are defined with certain attributes, and any new object defined in terms of an old one inherits all the attributes. The embarrassed programmers had learned to be careful when reusing object-oriented code, and the Yanks left with a newfound respect for Australian wildlife. Simulator supervisors report that pilots from that point onward have strictly avoided kangaroos, just as they were meant to. From June 15, 1999 Defense Science and Technology Organization Lecture Series, Melbourne, Australia, and staff reports.
If you tell the Army to secure a building, they will occupy it and forbid entry to those without a pass. If you tell the Marines to secure a building, they will assault it with heavy fire, capture the building, fortify it, and call for an air strike. If you tell the Navy to secure a building, they will turn out the lights and lock the door. If you tell the Air Force to secure a building, they take out a 3 year lease with option to buy.
1995 Darwin Awards Runner Up A pile of smoldering metal imbedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road, at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The folks in the lab finally figured out what it was, and what had happened. It seems that a former Air Force Sergeant had somehow got hold of a JATO unit, (Jet Assisted Take Off unit, actually a solid- fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra `push' for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert, and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed, and fired off the JATO! Best as they could determine, he was doing somewhere between 250 and 300 mph (350-420kph) when he came to that curve.... The brakes were completely burned away, apparently from trying to slow the car. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth, and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from the steering wheel.
"In a hurry are we, sir?" Two members of the Lothian and Borders traffic police were out on the Berwickshire moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up completely with an unexpected reading of well over 300 mph. The mystery was explained seconds later as a low flying Harrier hurtled over their heads. The 'boys in blue,' upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out that the damage might well have been more severe. The Harrier's target acquisition computer had locked on to the 'enemy' radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack. Luckily(?), the Harrier was operating unarmed.
How was that? A couple of TAC pilots were flying F-102's in escort with a B-36 bomber and were chinning with the pilot of the bomber to pass the time. Talk fell to the subject of the relative merits of their respective aircraft with the fighter pilots holding that their planes made for more interesting flying because of their manueverability, acceleration and the like. The B-36 pilot replied "Yeh? Well this old girl can do a few tricks you guys can't even touch." Naturally, he was challenged to demonstrate. "Watch," he tells them. After several minutes the bomber pilot returns to the air and says, "There! How was that?" Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots say, "What are you talking about?" Reply, "Well, I went for a little stroll, got a cup of coffee and went downstairs for a chat with the navigator."
Captain Kirk The loadmaster on a USAF C-130 was invited to take the engineer's seat for awhile. He started jabbering away, not realizing that he was trans- mitting on Uniform instead of over the ICS: LM: "Hey, this is great! I see why you engineers like this seat so much -- you can see everything from here! This is just like the starship Enterprise! All ahead, Mr. Sulu, warp factor ten!" Followed shortly afterward by: ATC: "You wanna get back on intercom, Captain Kirk? You're transmitting on my frequency!"
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"Lightning" Reflexes... And how about the British Lightning that came by to arrange some details for a squadron rotation? He flew in at 4pm, all our pilots were standing at the side of the runway, watching him come in. After four or five low and fast afterburner passes, impressing the hell out of all of us, it was time to land. After touchdown (200 mph) he popped the dragchute but it fell on the runway, packed in it's holder.... OOPS Ok, so he started hitting the brakes, 'cause he sure didn't want to get stuck in the cable at the end. By the time he came by us the brakes were so hot the first tire exploded with a loud bang. Not three seconds later the second one went out...The aircraft started moving down the runway like it was piloted by a drunk.....The fire brigade started rolling after him (He's still going about 100 mph) He shut the engine down as he approached the side of the runway. He got off the side into the soft Dutch mud and half of the aircraft digs into the dirt so deep that his right wing sat on the ground. Fuel started spilling overboard and the fire started as the fire brigade pulls up.....They parked right next to the aircraft (these guys are the real heroes!) and put out the fire with foam while dragging the pilot out of the cockpit.. After the formalities the pilot came to the squadron bar where we offer him an alcoholic beverage to overcome the shock. The squadron commander welcomes him with a speech that starts out with: Do you guys always land this way? How many aircraft are you going to bring?? As a remembrance we gave him a picture of his aircraft being hosed down by the fire brigade, using the exploded tire as a frame. I don't think this picture was displayed proudly in their squadron ready room!!!
These are actual lines out of OER (Officer Efficiency Report) performance appraisal for the military - Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. - Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching. - A room temperature IQ. - Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together. - A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. - A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. - A prime candidate for natural deselection. - Bright as Alaska in December. - One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests. - Donated his body to science before he was done using it. - Fell out of the family tree. - Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. - Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it. - He's so dense, light bends around him. - If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate. - If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. - If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change. - If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. - It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm. - One neuron short of a synapse. - Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled. - Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes. - Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby. - Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Fixed it? Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force Pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews: Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement." Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire." Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough." Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft." Problem: "The autopilot doesn't." Signed off: "IT DOES NOW." Problem: "Something loose in cockpit." Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit." Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear." Solution: "Evidence removed." Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud." Solution: "Volume set to more believable level." Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield." Solution: "Live bugs on order." Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent." Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground." Problem: "IFF inoperative." Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode." Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick." Solution: "That's what they're there for." Problem: "Number three engine missing." Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
A Stiff Upper-lip. When the British military judges its officers, it sometimes does so with the droll humour of a Noel Coward play. Here are some excerpts taken from Royal Navy and Royal Marines fitness reports. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity. I would not breed from this Officer. This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, more of a definitely won't-be. When she opens her mouth, it seems only to change whichever foot was previously in there. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction. He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle. Technically sound, but socially impossible. This young lady has delusions of adequacy. When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably. This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar. This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope--always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere. Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age. This Officer should go far--and the sooner he starts, the better. In my opinion this pilot should not be authorised to fly below 250 feet. The only ship I would recommend for this man is citizenship. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
There's a story about a C-124 and an F-4 on intersecting taxiways at Rhein-Main long ago. The F-4 driver asked Ground what the Globemaster's intentions were. It is said that the C-124 pilot opened the clamshell doors in the nose and announced, "I'm going to eat you."
Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations #1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. #2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision. #1: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. #2: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. #1: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW! #2: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
I heard this from my brother, who is a Search and Rescue pilot at Canadian Forces Base Bagotville, Québec. It's an apocryphal story that allegedly happened late one night during bad weather, as heard over the tower radio: Helicopter Pilot: "Roger, I'm holding at 3000 over beacon." Second voice: "NO! You can't be doing that! I'm holding at 3000 over that beacon!" (Brief pause, then first voice again): "You idiot, you're my co-pilot."
I divide my officers into four classes; the clever, the lazy, the industrious, and the stupid. Each officer possesses at least two of these qualities. Those who are clever and industrious are fitted for the highest staff appointments. Use can be made of those who are stupid and lazy. The man who is clever and lazy however is for the very highest command; he has the temperament and nerves to deal with all situations. But whoever is stupid and industrious is a menace and must be removed immediately! General Baron Von Hammersteiner-Equord Commander-in-Chief The Reichswehr
From A Soviet Document: "One of the serious problems in planning against Canadian doctrine is that the Canadians do not read their manuals nor do they feel any obligation to follow their doctrine." A German General Officer: "The reason that the Canadian Army does so well in wartime, is that war is chaos, and the Canadian Army practices chaos on a daily basis." Anonymous 1st Canadian Division Staff Officer: "If we don't know what we are doing, the enemy certainly can't anticipate our future actions!"
RANK RECOGNITION MADE EASY General Faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than a locomotive. Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Walks on water. Lunches with God, but must pick up tab. Colonel Almost as fast as a speeding bullet. More powerful than a shunting engine on a steep incline. Leaps short buildings with a single bound. Walks on water if sea is calm. Talks to God. Lieutenant-Colonel Faster than an energetically thrown rock. Almost as powerful as a speeding bullet. Leaps short buildings with a running start in favourable winds. Walks on water of indoor swimming pools if lifeguard is present. May be granted audience with God if special request is approved at least three working days in advance. Major Can fire a speeding bullet with tolerable accuracy. Loses tug-of-war against anything mechanical. Makes impressively high marks when trying to leap tall buildings. Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by God, in passing. Captain Can sometimes handle firearm without shooting self. Is run over by trains. Barely clears outhouse. Dog paddles. Mumbles to self. Lieutenant Is dangerous to self and comrades if armed and unsupervised. Recognizes trains two out of three times. Runs into tall buildings. Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of life jacket and water wings. Talks to walls. 2nd Lieutenant Can be trusted with either gun or ammunition but never both. Must have train ticket pinned to jacket and mittens tied to sleeves. Falls over doorsteps while trying to enter tall buildings. Plays in Mud puddles. Stutters. Officer Cadet Under no circumstances to be issued with gun or ammunition, and must even be closely supervised when handling sharp pieces of paper - staples are right out. Says: "Look at choo choo!" Not allowed inside buildings of any size. Makes good boat anchor. Mere existence makes God shudder. Sergeant-Major Catches hyper sonic armour peircing fin stabilized discarding sabot depleted uranium long rod penetrators in his teeth and eats them. Kicks bullet trains off their tracks. Uproots tall buildings and walk under them. Freezes water with a single glance; parts it with trifling gesture. Is God.
Are You a Prospective Intelligence Officer? Since the career panel may decide to administer written examinations for candidates seeking certification as professional Intelligence Officers, we are passing along these sample questions to help you prepare for the ordeal. Typical Qualifying Examination Read each question thoroughly. Answer all questions. Time limit - four hours. History Describe the history of all religions from their earliest origins to the present day. Prove which is best in a manner that will convince all others. Medicine You will be given a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your own appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You will have 15 minutes to complete this operation. Public Speaking 2500 riot-crazed fanatics will be turned loose in a classroom with you. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin and Greek. Biology Create life. You are required to estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this life-form had developed 500 millions ago, with special attention to the effects on our next election. Prove who would have been our next prime minister and why. Music Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate it and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat. Psychology Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate their emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of the following: Alexander, Ramsesall, Gregory of Nicoa, Joan of Arc, and Hammurabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each person's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate. Sociology Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct a full-scale experiment to test your theory. Management Science Define management and science. How do they relate? Create a generalized algorithm that can be used to optimize all managerial decisions. Design the systems interface and prepare all software necessary to program this algorithm on whatever computer may be selected by the examiners. Engineering The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle will be placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungary Bengal tiger will be admitted into your room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision. Economics Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the National Debt. Trace the possible effects on your planet, on the wave theory of light, and on the overcrowding of citizens band radio channels. Political Science With a quarter that you will be given, go to any pay phone and start World War III. Report on its socio-political effects, if any. Epistemology Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position. Physics Explain the nature of matter. Your answer must include an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics and science, plus the possible effect of electromagnetic radiation on global pollution and on the love life of radar operators who spend long hours in that environment. Philosophy Sketch the development of human though; estimate its significance. Compare this with the development of any other kinds of thought. General Knowledge Describe everything you know in detail. Be objective and specific. Extra Credit Define the universe and give three examples.
Book of Armaments Chapter 2, Verses 9 through 21 9. And Saint Antioch raised the hand grenade up on high saying "Oh Lord bless this thy hand grenade with which it shall blow up thy enemies into tiny bits, in thy mercy." 10. And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast on the lambs, and carp, and orangotangs and breakfast cereals, and fruit baskets... ... 17. And the Lord spake saying "First shalt though take out the holy pin. Then shalt though count to three. No more, no less. 18. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. 19. Four shalt thou not count , nor either count thou two excepting that thou then proceed to three. 20. Five is right out. 21. Once the number three, being the thrid number be reached, then lobbest thou thy holy hand grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being not in thy sight, shall suffer.
Back in the days of the glorious British Empire, a young officer arrived at his first posting, the command of a tiny fort in the middle of the desert, twenty miles from the nearest town. His new second-in-command is showing him around the base, when just outside the fort's walls they come across a decrepid, flea-ridden old camel. 'What's this bloomin' camel for?' asked the officer? 'Well, sir,' his second-in-command replied, 'the troops, stuck out here in the desert for months at a time, have certain... er... manly needs, from time to time. And when they need to do something about them, they use old Deirdre the camel here'. The officer, rather embarrassed, says nothing, and continues with the tour. A few months go by, and the officer is beginning to feel those 'manly needs' himself. So he calls his number two and says: 'I feel I may... erm... require the services of Deirdre the camel tonight. Tell me, when the men...erm... use her, do they have her bathed first?' 'Yes, sir'. 'Well then, see to it that she is bathed'. 'They also have her flea-powdered, first, sir'. 'Very good, see that that is done, too. And I couldn't help but notice that she is a rather tall animal. Tell me, do the men use a ladder when they, erm... mount her?' 'Yes sir, always'. 'Very well, see to it that a ladder is provided'. 'Very good sir. She'll be prepared for you within the hour.' After an hour, the officer is escorted to the side of the fort, where Deirde waits, powdered, washed and with a ladder by her side. The officer moves the ladder to the back of the animal, climbs it, drops his pants and begins furiously ramming into the backside of the animal. He motions to his second-in-command:'Tell me, is this how the men do it?' 'Well, no sir, they normally ride the camel to the nearest town and pay for a prostitute, sir'.
Buddy Hackett was recently reliving his days as soldier assigned to a motor pool unit. One day he answered the phone. "Soldier, can you tell me what equipment is available for use immediately?" the voice commanded. "Well, sir, we have two tanks, a half-dozen half-tracks, two armoured personnel carriers, couple of motorcycles, and Fat-Ass Johnson's command Jeep, sir." "Soldier? Do you know who you are speaking to?" "No, sir." "This is Major Johnson, your commander!" "Uh, sir? Do you know who you are speaking to?" "No, I do not!" "That's good. Goodbye, Fat-Ass!"
A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one." The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii." The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. And of course, just how unnatural that would be, the world might freak out! It could create a religious and scientific panic! No, that is just too much to ask." The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?" The genie considered it for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"
Below are excerpts from both U.S. and British officer performance reviews. Nobody I know but they're a laugh. Actual lines out of U.S. Millitary OERs (Officers Efficency Report) - Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. - Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching. - A room temperature IQ - Got a full 6-Pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together. - A prime candidate for natural deselection. - Bright as Alaska in December - Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. - So dense, light bends around him. - If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate. - If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. - Was lift on the Tilt-a-whirl a bit too long as a baby. - Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead. Actual exerpts from the Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports: ...His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity. ...I would not breed from this officer. ...He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction. ...He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle. ...This young lady has delusions of adequacy. ...This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, amd my officers to carry him from bar to bar. ...Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig. ...She sets low personal standards and then consistantly fails to acheive them. ...He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age. ...Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. ...This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
If you have comments or suggestions, email me at sapperwatson@oocities.com