(well, okay, pretty much ALL of those laughs)

-- have come at the expense of Tori Spelling, her family, her friends, her co-workers, her future husband (the lucky bastard -- I wish it was me!), the Tori-flex ® Corporation, and, of course, Don Knotts.

I honestly hope (against the vanishingly remote chance that any of those people will ever actually see these pages) that I haven't hurt anybody's feelings.

Least of all Mr. Knotts...

Okay, I'm sorry, that was a joke, too. But, really, I'm trying to be serious. Hurting Tori's feelings (even accidentally) is the farthest thing from my mind... I only kid because I love.

Y'see, Tori catches a lot of grief from a lot of boneheads (like me) on the nepotism front. Some is gentle-natured and friendly (like the phony "bio" found elsewhere in these pages), but too much of it is just plain crap: garbage flung at her by a misanthropic gaggle of losers for no better reason than that she's the big, hard-to- miss target.

Somehow, though, Tori manages to weave her way through that hail of abuse with the sort of grace, dignity, and -- above all -- fashion sense that should inspire those of us who love her and leave her critics feeling small and a little slimy.

To the continuing dismay of her detractors, Tori Spelling absolutely refuses to be what they claim she is. Instead, she chooses to be bright and beautiful, charming and decent, in a town -- and in an industry -- where those qualities are in conspicuously short supply.

I really do admire this girl -- and not just because she'd make such a TORI-fic mattress ornament.