Hint about dealing with HU-MANS: never make them self-conscious about the way they look *at* *the* *moment*, or they will feel defensive or cornered and may lash out at you. Remember: HU-MAN BITE MUST BE TREATED WITH ANTI-BIOTICS IMMEDIATELY, AS THEY MAY HAVE THE FLESH OF BAC-TERIA BETWEEN THEIR TEETH.
Better alternative: next time you see the person without makeup, comment on how much better she looks *then*.
WRONG: "You know, I mean this in the nicest possible way, but that look you put together in order to spend the next few hours with me is pretty crappy. Shall we go?"
RIGHT (ON NEXT DATE): "Wow, you look incredible tonight. You look even better than on our last date. What is it? Oh, you're not wearing makeup. See, I like you much more when you're looking like this, because then I don't get crap all over my ass when I sit on your face."
NO, WAIT, I THINK THAT ONE WAS STILL WRONG.
WRONG: "Oh my God, it's Tammy Faye Bakker!"
RIGHT: "...I have got the *biggest* crush on her!"
Actually, I think that one is still wrong too, but for different reasons.
WRONG: "What did you do, just dump all of your cosmetics out and then smash your face onto the counter?"
RIGHT: "I am so hot for you right now, I just blew a blood vessel in my eye."
Subtle, but endearing.
WRONG: "Wow, that's a lot of makeup you're wearing. Funny, my wife has self-image problems too, but at least she has the hand-eye coordination to stay within the lines."
RIGHT: "Wow, if my ex-wife had ever looked as beautiful as you do tonight, I might never have killed her."
That last one shows your date that she has nothing to worry about, and your past history as a violent spouse murderer shouldn't cast a dark shadow upon your date as long as she remains quiet and doesn't try to signal for help. And last, but not least, always remember your manners:
WRONG: "UG. YOU LOOK UM PRETTY. GIVE BLOWJOB... NOW!"
RIGHT: "UG. YOU LOOK UM PRETTY. GIVE BLOWJOB... *PLEASE*."
Next lesson: Being Prepared. Why you should always keep a box of Handi-Wipes and a hairclip in your car.
-dp
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From: alt.religion.kibology
By: -David Pacheco
People are destroyed by confusion? Look out, I think Farrah Fawcett is about to explode.
Listen to me: the world is very simple, not at all confusing. We learn as we grow up to overlay sheets of confusion on the simple, stark mattress of reality, and become smothered by the pillow of chaos as we're poked in the back by the loose spring of over- encumbered metaphors.
Consider the futon: simple, practical and dual-purposed. Now imagine reality is that futon. The hinge where the futon folds to become a sofa is the equivalent of your mind: only when the mind bends is the second nature of the futon revealed. A brittle mind will snap, and plunge your mattress onto the floor in a shower of wood shards, possibly squashing your cat.
So, in conclusion: the futon = reality, the hinge = your mind, the wooden vertical slats are society's moral structure, horizontal slats are its ethical structure. Together, the vertical/moral, horizontal/ethical form the lattice of interaction and behaviour that supports the mattress that is society. While society can afford to lose any one slat, vertical or horizontal, perhaps even a couple of them, you wouldn't want to sleep on a bed that is missing too many. Why? It might affect your 'posture', which in this metaphor is the equivalent of the way you 'stand'.
The more slats you lose, the more you end up looking like a pretzel. Eventually, the structural integrity of the futon is compromised, and collapses faster than a Ponzi scheme-based economy.
The pillows are, of course, the Pope and Robert Vesco, who represent opposite ends of the morality/ethical/financial spectrum, and probably shouldn't be in bed together, especially since that key turning in the lock downstairs signifies the early return of Vesco's parents from the G8 Nation's dinner party, and the Pope can't find his pants anywhere.
Out the window goes the Pope! See Pope run! Run, Pope, run! But it is for naught, since Vesco's parents found your pants draped around the downstairs lamp, and have already caused a global recession and grounded Vesco for two weeks. Poor Vesco! Too late he had learned the lesson most of us Catholics knew since we were young: don't fuck with the Pope!
-dp
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