Title: Errata For My Life (So Far)
For "I", read "we".
The correct interpretation is "forwards toward the past".
The credit for the photograph should be "General George Westmoreland". The object in question remains unidentified.
In Fig. 2.3, the top line is actually longer than the bottom line.
By "never in a million years," the author means "yes".
On pages 200-231, all references to "Eurasia" should be replaced with "Eastasia".
The area identified on the map is not actually East Timor, but is in fact the author's nipple, and it's not really a map.
In Fig. 9-23a, no Satanic ritual is implied by the caption. We apologize to Mrs. Medford of North Tulsa.
By "this will hurt me more than it hurts you," the author means that it will hurt you more than it hurts him.
Due to a minor typo, it may not have been made clear that the author did, in fact, inhale, and also did have sex with that woman. On various occasions, both at the same time, and on at least one occasion under the direct supervision of the Majority Whip. If you know what I mean.
The author is not the King of the United States, as stated in various pages. He is also not the boss of you.
Please do not attempt any of the activities described while under the influence of reality. WARNING: REALITY HAS NOT BEEN APPROVED BY THE FDA.
As mentioned on page 56, it has not been proved conclusively that the world is being built in Claymation(tm). Members of the Senate are not required to "bow down before Gumby, our Evil Overlord" before each session of Congress, nor is it mandatory to kiss the giant replica clay phallus whilst screaming "ALL HAIL THE NEW FLESH!".
The author apologizes for any incontinence caused by these errors.
-dp.
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At age 0.9, "gaga" should read "mama."
At age 3.9, in Fig 2 the thought balloon should read "I'll use the downstairs bathroom tonight" instead of "I wonder what all the noise in my parents' room is."
At age 12.2, nervous, hesitant answer of "nothing, Mom" when queried about the nature of my furtive bedroom activities should read "nothing, Mom" in a confident, self-assured, non-suspicion- arousing voice.
At age 12.2, Fig 3 should show a collection of porn magazines fully hidden under the bed mattress, and not completely visible to rampaging parental unit (noted with arrow).
At ages 13.5 through 19.2, Graph 7.9 shows a level of hormonal activity that has been qualified by experts as "ludicrous." The author continues to assert his claim that "that's what it felt like at the time."
At age 16.3, Fig 5.5 showing shards of bone poking through the skin of a contorted leg should in fact be a picture of unblemished skin and a straight, unharmed leg.
At age 17, the paragraph that reads "and then I got into the car and drove straight into a tree" should read "and then I gave my car keys to a friend who drove me straight home."
Ages 19.2 through 20.4 (inclusive) cannot be corroborated by independent investigation, and so must be assumed to be fictitious. There is no record of a monument in Budapest honoring the author.
At age 21.3, the sentence that reads "No, I'm actually not going out with anyone right now" should read "GAAAAH! DEVIL WOMAN! IA! IA!"
At age 22.7, Fig. 4.7 shows me embracing a female companion not my significant other at the time. The caption should read "Platonic friends sharing an innocent non-sexual hug," instead of "I hope none of her friends see me."
At age 23.6, the graph shows a decrease in levels of sexual activity between March and October. This should in fact be a significant increase, with repeated spikes in April, May and July.
At age 24.1, correct response to "We will be escalating this issue to Human Resources" should be "I'm sure we can reach a mutually agreeable resolution to this problem without such extreme measures," and not "Escalate *this*, ASSHOLE!"
At age 24.2, graph 1.11 again shows a decrease in sexual activity that corresponds with a noted decrease in levels of self-esteem. This chart was in fact misprinted on its side, and should show arrogance bordering on the delusional along with scenes of sexual frenzy that can only be described as "Caligulantastic!"
Age 25.9 was re-printed by mistake from a completely different book. The author states categorically that he has never known anyone named "Trixie," and besides that she didn't mean anything to him. The publisher regrets this mistake, whilst winking lasciviously.
Ages 26.3-27.2 have been removed from this edition and all future editions. What's more, the manuscript has been burned, and those unfortunate copy editors who did get to read it before its destruction have been put to (merciful) sleep. The reader is advised to forget all about ages 26.3-27.2. FORGET! FOR- GET!
In age 28.7 and 29.5, for "unemployed," read "independently wealthy."
Similarly, at age 29.4, read "fabulous Beverly Hills mansion" for "under a bridge in Orange County." The author wishes to express regret to Jimmy No-Nose, Terry the Glue Freak and Mac "dirty raincoat" Silverman, as he now claims he has never met them in his life, nor does he owe Silverman a pint of whiskey.
At age 31.2, the title "Errata for my life (so far)" should read "Errata for my life (so far): As Published by Random House. Fourth Edition ($39.99)".
End of errata.
-dp.
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Bob Flaminio posted: OK.... so what'd I miss?
-dp replied: It rained, and then it got so clear you could see the mountains. Then we learned that it is no longer appropriate behaviour to suck the poison out of the wound if one is bitten by a rattlesnake. Now one must talk to the rattlesnake in a stern voice, that the rattlesnake may understand that it has done something wrong.
"No! BAD rattlesnake! NO bitey-bitey!"
We also learned that when pregnant women hear the phrase "beached whale", they automatically think that it refers to them. This applies even if one is actually standing on a real beached whale surrounded by signs that read "BEACHED WHALE: DO NOT CLIMB" and a tour guide yelling "Five dollars to see the beached whale!" while visiting the Beached Whale Amusement Park in Whale Beach, California.
It was also brought to our attention that the confusing roadside advertisement that I had been reading for days as "Now looking for more faster and adaptive parents" actually reads "foster" and "adoptive," which clears up a couple of questions I had, so I'll sit down and lower my hand now.
We also learned that you, the reader, are entirely made out of meat. Also, by watching certain TV channels we learned that it is now an entirely valid excuse to claim that you are sexually turned on *only* by police officers pretending to be 12-year old girls. This information, while completely useless to us, is nevertheless quite entertaining.
And then we were taught Extreme Feng Shui, the object of which is to whirl negative energy around the room to increase its speed like a particle accelerator, and then slam it into your opponent's chakras. Our teacher, Kato-san, apparently whacked a competitor once with so much negative karma that he was eventually re-incarnated as an IRS auditor. Also, he was a spider. And a slugworm.
A spider-slugworm tax auditor. Man, that's some bad karma. I hope he never becomes radioactive, because that's a super power NOBODY wants.
The class learned that the canonical name for the "~" character is the "Spock's eyebrow", and that despite its complete lack of usefulness it is still kept on computer keyboards in order to pay off a gambling debt the entire industry has towards members of the Spanish Crime Syndicate, the Gambiņo Family.
We learned that, collectively, we have the necessary qualifications to speak on behalf of Jesus. Jesus, as it turns out, is a little embarrassed by all the attention he's received over the past two thousand years, and says he never meant for people to take him that seriously.
"I never meant for anybody to take my life literally," said Jesus, through me. "Tell them to quit it." By "them", I feel that Jesus meant you, the guy in the brown t-shirt, and you, the ugly one with the weird glasses.
Personally, I learned that I can lose a finger if I ever do THIS again. Whoa, there goes another one! It's the damndest thing.
As a last point, we learned that due to the chronic electricity shortages in California, we are currently overstaffed with monkeys and under-funded to buy more typewriters. We have monkeys going idle, and a sadder sight I have never seen. Please give generously, and we thank you for listening during our pledge week. Operators are standing by, ready to add, subtract, divide and multiply.
Also, teacher said that you smell funny.
I wrote this post entirely by accident. I apologize in advance for any discomfort caused. If swelling persists, do something about the itching.
-dp.
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