The Committee has been meeting 'round the clock trying to come up with contingency plans for field personnel who may discover themselves in an untenable position while on active in-country duty.
We discussed the Russian method (blubbering like a baby and crawling on your belly)
The French alternative (dressing up like a woman and sneaking away)
The Italian counter-bluff (talking loud while waving your hands around wildly)
and the Canadian geste (never allowing yourself to be in this position).
The decision was made to go with the British tradition, since their forces have had the most experience in that country. We went to one of their experts and decided on his method, which you may be required to use if you continue at your current pace.
When you're wounded and left on Afghanistan's plains,
And the women come out to cut up what remains,
Jest roll to your rifle and blow out your brains
An' go to your Gawd like a soldier.
- Rudyard Kipling.
hopefully,
Agent X
PS: I am sending Scully's equipment requisition fulfillment with this courier, though I am unable to understand why she would need to wear black leather nether garments in the desert. The extra crate of K-Y for sand-storm protection is wise. -X
PPS: I am thinking of sending Agent Y to assist you in the field. Perhaps she could replace Agent S and gain valuable field experience at the same time? The moustache could be an asset when travelling incognito. -X
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Call off the fucking planes! You're hitting friendlies goddammit! It's raining Aussie body parts for chrissakes. Scully has fucking crawled into my pants (literally, not like she's supposed to). The Northern Alliance is --
HOLY FUCK! LOOKOU---
[NO CARRIER]
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Dear Agent Bahn:
This sort of attempt at deception would be far more effective if you would follow rule #1 of spydom and just "stay out of sight". As it happens the satellite surveillance photos show very clearly that you and Agent S were doing what appeared to be the "lambada" on the rooftop disco of the Jallalabad Best Western Motel at the "exact" same time as your faux message was being broadcast. Her need for the leather unmentionables has now become much clearer.
I can understand your desire to hold onto an experienced agent like Scully for as long as you can and that my suggestion that Agent Y would make a suitable replacement did not meet with your full approval, but this sort of schoolboy prank is not really an appropriate reaction.
Has Houston been in contact with you yet? Our records show that he traded in his direct flight ticket to Pakistan for one to Thailand, so he may be taking a circuitous route to throw off enemy agents. I remember last time I was in Phuket we went to a night club and there was this girl who did some amazing things involving ping-pong balls and bananas that I would have thought physically impossible.
I asked Scully if she thought we should make this part of the training schedule at HQ but she just gave me one of her patented "stares" and the subject was not broached again.
yours truly,
Agent X
PS: Agent Y will be arriving on a commercial flight into Khandahar sometime this week. Agent H was supposed to meet her but I don't know if he can. Could you re-arrange your schedule to accomodate her needs? -X
PPS: Those were "New Zealand" body parts, although I'll grant it is sometimes difficult to differentiate during crisis situations. -X
PPPS: Please try to avoid using expletives in your future communications to HQ. The ENIGMA people have a tendency to be easily aroused. -X
(CODING NOTE: YEAH BABY...OH YEAHHH, BAAABY! OH YEAH...OOOOH YEAHHH...LIKE THAAAAT, MOMMA!!!
-TH'ENIGMA TEAM)
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While we appreciate your efforts to kill innocent civilians in order to take out guilty parties, the information we gave you was for flight 578 and NOT 587. We suggest you skedaddle some agents over to Logan Airport before those 4 FBI moles get away.
--oTTo--
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-oTTo-:
Don't be so uptight dude, I mean...578...587...785... I mean, they're all just numbers, man. I mean...you're in a bag, guy, your agenda's been co-opted by The MAN...Mister Charlie. When it's your time...you go...all very Zen and shit. Besides...you're harshing my mellow...so chill. Did you meet Raoul in Kabul like I told you? Did he have a package for me? Send it along in the VERY next pouch, I'm twitchin' already. Yeah.
don't be a downer, whatever,
Agent H
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Shit. Did Scully send you a head or a bag of fine, light brown powder? She might be missing two tits before the night is over.
--oTTo--
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